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Authors: Neil Forsyth

Why Me? (8 page)

BOOK: Why Me?
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Yours,

Bob

----------------

NO REPLY

14
See
The Dundee Courier
, 1 April 1 2011:
‘Dundee Royal Infirmary “Overwhelmed” by Fool's Day victims'
and
The Dundee Courier
, 2 April 2011:
‘Dundee Divorce Lawyers See “Staggering' Spike”
. (‘All I'd ask him is “Was it really worth it?” said one middle-aged woman whose right foot had been crudely superglued to a metal bucket').

15
See
The Dundee Courier
, 3 April 2011:
‘Patients Fury at Royal Infi rmary's “Pyjama Timeshare” Scheme'
. (‘“I got afternoons,” complained one patient. “Who on earth wants afternoons?”‘).

5
Bob's Phone Number

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: A proposal

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Barrister Michael Christopher, a Senior Advocate and legal consultant in practice here in the Cook Islands. My client suffered a terrible violent death life alongside with his wife in a Beirut-bound charter jet plane crashed on the Monday, 9th January 2006, 12:12 GMT (details on Internet if required).

Prior to his death my client secured a contract worth millions of US dollars from the kingdom of Bahrain. As his personal lawyer and close confidant, all my efforts to locate any of his relatives whom i can present as next of kin has proved abortive. Therefore I am seeking for your consent to present you as next of kin and subsequently the benefi ciary of the fund. I will initiate this process towards a conclusion if you give me positive signals. I wait to hear from you.

Yours faithfully,

Mike Christopher

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: You're at it!

Mike,

The Cook Islands? You must think I'm stupid. Where do you live, Frying Pan City?

Give up.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: The Cook islands

Dear Bob Servant,

What is this you are saying? The Cook Islands are recognised province. Do you want to act as next of kin? The commission is very kind.

Yours faithfully,

Mike Christopher

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: I hold my hands up

Barrister Christopher,

I have just had a look at my atlas and would like to apologise, as the Red Indians say, ‘with reservations'.
16
I accept that the Cook Islands exist but I am also nervous about meeting new people from the Internet. I am an elderly man and also have a good few quid (don't tell the wife!) (I don't have a wife) and this makes me a target for likely lads and chancers such as this bunch below. They might be housewives' favourites, Christopher, but they're naughty with it!
17

Yours,

Bob

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: A proposal

Dear Mr Servant,

Yes I understand your worries but do not worry in this case because I am a Barrister of course so this is legal and just. This is excellent Bob and I can confirm you are now the front runner to be the main benefi ciary of this will minus our administration fees which as normal will have to be paid first. They are very low, only $200, OK?

Yours faithfully,

Mike Christopher

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Phone

Barrister Mike,

$200 is a drop in the bloody ocean. During Dundee's Cheeseburger Wars I'd earn that much by putting my shoes on and the same again for brushing my hair.

Listen, It might be quicker to talk over the phone. Would you mind calling me?

Yours,

Bob

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I will call

Yes of course I will call you at my expense Bob just send the number

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Phone Number

OK are you ready?

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Give me the number

Yes I am ready.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Here we go

0

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Here we go

Hello Bob I think that did not come through please send it again.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: RE: Here we go

0

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Not coming through

That did not come through again sorry Bob please send again.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Seems fine my end

4

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Not right

Bob this is not correct I am not getting the full number please check that you are sending it.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: RE: Not right

4

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Not right

Bob what is this? You are not sending your number properly I am only getting one number through a 0 and now 4s what is this?

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Eh?

I don't quite understand your problem, I'm sending it through. 0044 is the code for the UK. Next bit:

1

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Send the whole number

What are you saying to me Bob? You're sending me the number one at every time? Why would you do this Bob just send the whole thing.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Security

Mike,

As I told you I am worried about Internet security. Please give me the respect I deserve.

3

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Security

This is too stupid but OK. 004413 come on

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: 8

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Got it

0044138 OK more

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: 2

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: More needed

00441382 more

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: 2

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: send the rest now

004413822 more

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: 2

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: 2

0044138222 more

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Hang on

Sorry I've lost my thread a bit. I think I've gone a bit heavy on the 2s. Would you mind reading back what I've sent so far?

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK here

0044138222 send the rest.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Remember the security!

Sorry, can you send it one number at a time? It's safer.

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Remember the security!

Are you serious?

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: Good Question

What do you think? (be honest)

----------------

From: Mike Christopher

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Good Question

FUCK you if this is not true

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mike Christopher

Subject: RE: Good Question

4

----------------

NO REPLY

16
This is one of Bob's favourite jokes but has always struck me as a little obtuse. I once probed him at a corner table in Broughty Ferry's Stewpot's Bar on how exactly this selection of words operate as a joke. He replied, ‘A lot of people like Rolls Royces but do they know what's under the bonnet?' I answered that yes, those same people would be aware that under the bonnet of a Rolls Royce would be a Rolls Royce engine. Bob replied by asking if I thought the table had ‘a wobble'. I replied that it didn't. Bob then spent five minutes frowning and wobbling the table with his hand before leaving for a lengthy bathroom visit.

17
Along with this email Bob sent three photos to demonstrate suitable ‘housewives' favourites'. The photos were of David Jason in character as Del Boy, Ian McShane in character as Lovejoy and Osama bin Laden in character as Osama bin Laden. Unfortunately I cannot include the photos here as one of those three ‘likely lads' refused permission (to be fair, it wasn't bin Laden who did not cause the production of this book any problems at all).

6
The War at Home

From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Offi cial US Army

My name is Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser. I am a trusted operator in the US Army Marines and currently on deployment here in Afghanistan. I am from Illinios and have 19 years service. We are under constant attack here and I am able to get on only when things are not wild but I saw your profile and thought we could have a connection.

Please dear tell me of your life and I will tell you of yours.

BOOK: Why Me?
13.07Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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