Why Not Me? (13 page)

Anders Holm and I make out naked in a shower with thirty people standing two feet away.

So when I created
The Mindy Project
and I was suddenly acting in all these romantic situations, it never occurred to me to ask my scene partners if they minded tongue kissing. I just kissed as I would kiss naturally, and they always reciprocated. If they were psyched or felt bullied, I will never know, because no one ever mentioned it to me as an issue. So, if my math is correct, I have broken SAG rules about twenty-one times. And you know what? If they take away my SAG card because of it, I can only say: it was worth it.

THE SEXIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME

I’ve had the privilege of making out with dozens of actors on camera. Once I had to do a particularly involved make-out with an actor who happens to be a married acquaintance of mine. The shot was complicated and the director spent hours shooting it over and over. The sheer number of takes made me feel self-conscious about my ability to make out in an authentically sexy way. Between takes, in a moment of insecurity, I turned to my scene partner and whispered: “God, this is taking forever. Am I doing this terribly?”

He looked me in the eye, took my hand, and gently guided it to the front of his pants where I felt the unmistakable presence of an erection. My jaw dropped. He winked at me, said, “I think you’re doing just fine,” and dropped my hand.

We never spoke of it again. It is, to this day, the sexiest thing that has ever happened to me.

WHY ALL ACTORS MUST LIE

So why are all your favorite actors and actresses lying about enjoying sex scenes? Well, a couple of reasons:

1)
Creepiness.
Anyone who announces they love filming sex scenes is going to be perceived as some kind of weirdo who gets their jollies off at work. No one wants to act with them, as honest (and, frankly, as entertaining) as they sound.

2)
Vulnerability.
People don’t like to admit they loved shooting a sex scene, because, like sex, what if the other person didn’t like it that much? I once complimented my friend Seth Rogen on his on-screen kissing skills. Then later, while we were waiting during a lighting setup, I shyly asked him what he thought of mine, and he took a moment to think, and replied: “To be honest, I don’t really remember.” That’s what Seth Rogen thinks of my kissing. So good he didn’t remember it
fifteen minutes later
.

Seth Rogen: Great kisser, nice energy, beard not too scratchy

3)
Significant Others.
Actors are the only people in the world who are allowed to essentially stray from their marriages physically and
there are no repercussions.
Zero. In fact, if they’re especially good at sex scenes, thousands of people will want to steal them away. If you are the unlucky spouse of an actor, the last thing you want to hear is that, in addition to him getting to fake-cheat on you by virtue of the most unfair loophole of all time, he also really enjoyed it.

4)
Integrity.
In kabuki times, actors were literally prostitutes, and we have spent centuries trying to distance ourselves from that profession. Occasionally we have setbacks, like
The Bachelor
and
The Bachelorette
. But in general, it’s very important for us not to seem like we are being financially compensated for sex acts. People already think acting is the world’s easiest and most frivolous job, besides Miss Golden Globe. So we all have this tacit agreement to keep our traps shut about the world’s best job perk.

That is why I, a noted Hollywood bad boy with nothing to lose, must be the person to tell the truth. Sex scenes are the tits. You’re welcome.

COMING THIS FALL

I
’
VE BEEN IN
the television business for eleven years, which is a very long time. Not long by regular-job standards, but, at thirty-five, people around here are beginning to call me seasoned. “Seasoned,” for those of you not in show business, is the worst insult you can call a woman. It means a cross between “old,” “disagreeable,” and “only wears slacks.” TV is a young man’s game, like professional sports. And after eleven years, you’re not the rookie, you’re the old guy in the dugout talking about the old days and spitting into a tin can. That last part is the only part I actually do.

Every pilot season, the trade papers all publish loglines of the upcoming pilots that are going to be shot. I now can see certain tropes get recycled over and over. I’m not just referring to familiar characters you’ve come to expect on most shows (for example “boozy mother-in-law,” “candid black best friend,” “hyper-articulate child of dum-dums,” and “incomprehensible foreigner”). I’m talking about premises for entire series that seem to get reused perennially.

Much like my love for romantic comedies, I enjoy most television. I could only make this list because I have watched more TV than an angry thirteen-year-old child of divorce. The only thing I will not watch is reality television. “Watch how we pick a singer!” “Watch how we turn this old crappy house into a cool new one!” No,
you
do that! I don’t need to see the process. I
live
the process. Let me relax.

Here are the kinds of shows that networks seem to be clamoring for lately.

BOY-MAN MUST FACE THE ADULT WORLD

Carter can’t keep a job. His girlfriend left him for smoking too much pot. His dog ran away because he never went outside. He high-fives his African American roommate while they play Xbox. He lives in filth. He sometimes wears his pants inside out. This is the story of how he became the attorney general of the United States of America.

THE STAUNCH OVAL OFFICE DAME

This briskly paced show centers on our heroine, a tough, highly educated woman in a high-pressure job full of gross, sexist men. She is the very best person at her job, and she is so moral she would send her own husband to the electric chair if he was found guilty of shoplifting. But she harbors a terrible, humiliating, dark secret: she’s
dyslexic
. And, in the world of this show, that could get her impeached.

POOR MARIA

This is the charming tale of a lovely Latina “regular looking” girl (that is, she would be considered a perfect “10” if she were white). She has a heart of gold but is underestimated by everyone around her … except the handsome white CEO of the corporation where she sweeps the floors. Will he whisk her away like the dust particles in her bin? Or will he fire her when he finds out she is part of the Floor-Sweeping Union that wants their salaries to be raised to $4 an hour?

REMAKE OF GRITTY ISRAELI SHOW ABOUT TERRORISTS/INFIDELITY/MENTAL ILLNESS

This well-produced and depressing show will be the one you know you should be watching but just can’t make yourself do it. Let’s examine the best case here. You invest the time watching the show, you mention it at a party, and some guy tells you how much better the original Israeli version was. Ditto for British comedies about the workplace.

DAD! MOM!

You know that thirty-eight-year-old guy in your office who falls to pieces when his seventy-year-old parents get a divorce? Then Dad moves in and has to learn Internet dating? And Son reverts to behavior he did when he was ten! No? Well, you’re the only one, because there are usually five pilots about this very subject at any given time at every network.

THE ABANDONED SPINSTER CLUB

A confident workaholic woman named Marcia or Alex comes home to find her husband cheating on her in her own bed with his secretary. It’s always the middle of the afternoon and it’s always happening in her own bed. I find this little detail especially horrifying. It’s bad enough that it’s happening, but we need to wring out as much humiliation as we possibly can. “You know what would make the cheating even
worse
? If it were happening in her own bed
next to photos of their kids and stuff
.”

The rest of the series explores her journey to accepting a new life as a sex-positive fortysomething. She will have a really fun assistant who’s an expert on all the new, slutty dating techniques. Also, everyone on this show drinks wine while sitting on couches. And they’re in jeans and barefoot with one foot tucked under them. Think about it.

HOT SERIAL KILLER WHO’S KIND OF LITERARY

He leaves sonnets pinned to all the corpses. The murdered prostitutes all have the first names of Jane Austen heroines. The kindly police commissioner’s name is Chuck Dickens. The whole thing takes place in a tough housing project in Newark called Stratford-up-by-Avon. A melancholy English actor plays the lead in this mystery drama, and he uses his accent no matter what country it takes place in. This is everyone’s mom’s favorite show.

NEUROTIC SENSITIVE GUY IS ALSO SUPER UNHAPPY

Usually a half-hour cable comedy show. This wealthy L.A.- or NYC-based man, who makes his living doing something creative, is miserable despite having suffered no traumas or having any immediate health problems. If there are kids, they are only invoked to interfere with sex life. The pilot will always involve a child’s birthday party with a bouncy house, or a clown who breaks character when not around the kids. Deemed brilliant and hilarious, this show usually has no jokes.

SUPERHERO: BEFORE!

You know that famous superhero with his own franchise of blockbuster movies? He’s great, isn’t he? Wouldn’t you like to know what he was like when he was a kid, way before his cool powers took effect? No? OK, how about what his mom and dad were like? No, they don’t have any superpowers. It’s just an awesome, talky prequel, with lots of prophetic talk about what will happen in those movies you love so much.

TALKATIVE CHUBSTER SEEKS HUSBAND

A sexually unapologetic fashionista tries to find love in the big city … wait a second! This sounds like the premise of
my
show,
The Mindy Project
. But it’s not my fault. I didn’t come up with this format. Not many people know this, but
The Mindy Project
is actually based on a famous Venezuelan show called
Puta Gordita
, or “The Chubby Slut.”