Wigs on the Green (4 page)

The yokels immediately began to fade away. Already they paid two shillings a year to Lady Chalford towards the Conservative funds, and twopence a week for the Nursing Association; they failed, therefore, to see why any more of their hard-earned money should be swallowed up by the Malmains family. Jasper and Noel, on the other hand, snatched at this heaven-sent opportunity to ingratiate themselves with the heiress. They sprang forward and announced in chorus that they were anxious to be recruited. Eugenia’s face lit up with a perfectly radiant smile.

‘Oh, good,’ she said, coming down from her tub. She then began
hitching up her skirt, disclosing underneath it a pair of riding breeches, from the pocket of which she produced two recruiting cards and a fountain-pen. ‘You sign here – see? You have to promise that you will obey the Captain in all things and pay ninepence.’

‘I promise,’ said Jasper.

‘It’s all very well,’ said Noel, ‘I suppose that’s O.K., but look here, who is the Captain? Is he a nice chap? Couldn’t I promise to obey him in most things? He might want me to do something very peculiar, mightn’t he?’

Eugenia looked at him with lowering brow, fingering her dagger. ‘You had better be careful,’ she said gloomily. ‘That is no way to speak of the Captain.’

‘I’m awfully sorry,’ said Noel, nervously eyeing the weapon. ‘I’ll never do it again. Right then, here’s my ninepence.’

‘Lend me a bob, old boy,’ said Jasper.

‘Sorry, old boy,’ said Noel.

‘Don’t be a cad, you swine,’ said Jasper, kicking him gently on the shin.

‘Here, don’t kick me,’ said Noel.

Eugenia looked from one to the other. Her sympathies were clearly with Jasper. ‘Are you perhaps unemployed?’ she asked him, ‘because if you are it’s only fourpence.’

‘Am I unemployed? Is unemployed my middle name? Lend me fourpence, old boy.’

‘Sorry, old boy.’

‘I will lend you fourpence,’ said Eugenia suddenly, ‘but you will have to pay me back soon, because what I really came down for this afternoon was to buy two twopenny bars at the village shop.’

‘Bars of what?’

‘Chocolate, of course.’

On hearing this Noel was naturally obliged to produce fourpence for Jasper. Eugenia then persuaded him to pay for both their Union Jack shirts and little emblems as well. He thought that Fate, as usual, was being wonderful to Jasper, who was quite obviously top boy in Eugenia’s estimation, and who now capped all by suggesting that
they should repair to the village shop in search of twopenny bars. While Noel paid for the bars he realized that the credit for them was going to Jasper. He decided that he must return this old-man-of-the-sea to London as soon as might be.

‘I’ve never seen you before, do you live near here?’ Eugenia asked Noel, as they all emerged, munching twopenny bars, from the village shop.

‘No, we don’t, we are just staying at the Jolly Roger for a few weeks, or at least that is to say
I
am staying for a few weeks. My friend, Mr Aspect here, has to leave tomorrow, quite early. It is very unfortunate.’

‘Don’t you believe it,’ said Jasper shortly, ‘not now I’ve met you, I’m not leaving. No such thing.’

‘Oh! good,’ said Eugenia, ‘it would really be too sad if you had to go, just when you’ve joined the Movement and everything. You’re the type of young men I need in this village, keen, active, energetic.’

‘That’s me,’ said Jasper.

‘Besides, you won’t be busy doing other things all day. I have some wonderful members in my detachment, but, of course, they are all working boys, except my two Union Jackshirt defenders you saw just now dealing with that old female Pacifist. I thought they did it very bravely; she would have razored them up for twopence, no tricks are too filthy for that gang, it seems. Yes, what we need here is educated people of leisure like yourselves, for canvassing and platform work. That’s why I’m so particularly glad you’re staying on.’

‘I suppose you are Eugenia Malmains?’ said Jasper. ‘I used to see you riding about the village here years ago when you were under the age of – quite a kid you know. You lived alone with your grandparents then.’

‘I still do, worse luck.’

‘Always down here? Don’t you ever go to London?’

‘No, you see, T.P.O.F. (that’s what I always call my grandmother, it stands for The Poor Old Female) says that nobody would speak
to us in London if we did go. T.P.O.M. (The Poor Old Male, that’s my grandfather) used to go up to the House of Lords, before he had his stroke. As he was stone deaf it didn’t matter so much whether people spoke to him or not. It wouldn’t matter to me a bit, either, because I know the comrades at the Union Jack House would speak to me. T.P.O.F. has got a bee in her bonnet about it.’

‘Do you want to go?’

‘Of course I want to. I should see the Captain if I did, besides, I could march with the Union Jack Battalions.’

‘Who is the Captain?’

‘Captain Jack, founder of the Social Unionist Movement and Captain of the Union Jackshirts,’ said Eugenia, throwing up her hand in a salute.

‘Why don’t you marry and get away from here?’

‘Thank you, I am wedded to the Movement though. Oh! bother, here comes Nanny again, I must go.’ She put her hands to her mouth and called, on two peculiar notes, ‘Vivian Jack-son.’ A small black horse without saddle or bridle came trotting up to her, accompanied by an enormous mastiff. ‘This is Vivian Jackson, my horse,’ she explained. ‘My dog is called the Reichshund, after Bismarck’s dog you know. Goodbye.’ She swung herself on to the horse’s back, gave it a resounding smack on one side of its neck, and galloped away in the direction of Chalford Park.

‘Thank God for our English eccentrics,’ said Jasper. ‘Come on, old boy, they must be open by now.’

‘What’s the news?’ asked Noel. He came into the garden of the Jolly Roger feeling hot and grumpy after a long walk. Noel, when in the country, always took large doses of fresh air and exercise. He believed in looking after his health. Jasper, who believed in having a good time, sat smoking cigarettes and reading the morning papers, which, it seemed, could be expected to arrive in that remote village, together with the one post, at any hour between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

‘Another body has been found in another trunk and two fearfully pretty Janes turned up here late last night. It appears that they intend to stay several days – just what we needed.’

‘I don’t see why,’ said Noel petulantly. ‘We’ve got Eugenia.’

‘Don’t you just? Well it’s like this old boy, the more the merrier. You can’t have enough of a good thing. Many hands make light work. And so on. Rather nice about the body too, the one in the trunk I mean. In fact I’m very suited by this place altogether.’

‘Are you?’

‘I am. I also had three minutes’ conversation with Eugenia before Nanny got at us. Enchanting girl, I quite expect I shall marry her.’

‘Jasper, old boy, there’s something I must say to you. It’s not very easy for me, but I’ve known you long enough, I hope, to be able to speak my mind to you.’

‘That’s quite all right, old boy, don’t you worry. I’ve got some money coming in any day now – I shan’t be touching you for another penny I promise you.’

Noel sighed deeply. He might have foreseen that this old-man-of-the-sea would be hard to shake off.

‘So what had Eugenia to say for herself?’ he asked with some irritation.

‘A lot more about how we are governed by octogenarian statesmen’s mistresses. I’m bound to say it’s a shaking thought, isn’t it?’

‘Which are octogenarians, the statesmen or their mistresses?’

‘Oh, I see. I must remember to ask her that some time. Whichever it is they must certainly be got rid of. Ignominy or a Roman death for them. Good – here’s the beer at last – some for you, old boy? Two more beers please miss, and put all that down to room 6, will you?’

‘Room 8,’ said Noel. His room was 6.

‘Oh, dear, now you’re going to be mean,’ said Jasper. ‘Put two down to room 6 and one down to room 8, and put the newspapers down to room 6 – no good old boy, you’ll have to read about the trunk sooner or later you know. I must say I hate all this cheese-paring.’

‘So do I,’ said Noel eagerly. ‘Tell you what, Jasper, I’ll give you this for your fare back to London and pay your bill here when you’ve gone. How’s that?’

‘Exceedingly generous of you,’ said Jasper, tucking thirty shillings into his note-case and settling down to more grisly details of the trunk murders.

Later that day he remarked to Noel; ‘I say, there’s something very queer indeed about those new Janes. First of all they’ve signed the book here as Miss Smith and Miss Jones, both of Rickmansworth. Likely tale. Then they’ve taken a private sitting-room, which strikes me as odd. But the oddest thing of all is that the Miss Jones one spent her whole afternoon in the orchard picking ducal coronets out of her drawers and nightdresses. Bit fishy, the whole business I’m thinking.’

‘How d’you know they were ducal coronets?’

‘My dear old boy, I know a ducal coronet when I see it. You forget that my grandfather is a duke.’

‘Not a proper one.’

‘I imagine that proper is just what he isn’t anything else but. Not much chance for impropriety when one has been binned-up for thirty-five years, eh?’

‘That’s just it. I don’t count dukes that are binned-up same way I don’t count bankrupt dukes.’

‘Well, I mean, count him or not as you like. I’m sure he doesn’t mind.’

‘Go on telling me about Miss Jones’s drawers, won’t you?’

‘As soon as I made quite sure she was picking some kind of monogram out of them (I couldn’t see as well as I should have liked, through the hedge) I legged it upstairs to her bedroom, number 4, opposite the bath, and it’s full of ducal coronets wherever you look. On the brushes and combs even, the whole place is a regular riot of strawberry leaves. And the jewels she’s got lying about on her dressing-table! I managed to find two quid in cash as well, in the pocket of an old mackintosh – shouldn’t think she’ll miss it.’

‘You must be quite nicely off for cash now.’

‘Mm. But isn’t it extraordinary about Miss Jones. Is she an absconding duchess or a duchess’s absconding ladies’ maid or what? Anyway, I’ll stand you a drink at the Rose Revived. Eugenia should be round before long and I promised we’d meet her outside the twopenny-bar shop.’

Eugenia, however, was in the middle of a gruelling interview with The Poor Old Female, her grandmother, who had come to hear something of her recent activities.

‘My child I cannot have you running round the village like a kitchen-maid,’ T.P.O.F. was saying, sadly rather than angrily, ‘talking to strangers, worse than that, accepting sweets from them. Besides, I hear that you have been riding that pony of yours astride again – you are not a baby any more, my dear, and young ladies should not ride in that way. What must the village people think of you? I blame nurse for all this and I blame myself; I suppose I can hardly blame you, Eugenia. After all, your mother was a wicked sinful woman, and bad blood always comes out sooner or later.’

‘I’m not bad at all,’ said Eugenia, sullenly. ‘I never do sins, and I would gladly lay down my life for the Captain.’

Lady Chalford, who vaguely supposed that Eugenia must be
referring to the Deity, looked embarrassed. Religious fervour was, in her eyes, almost as shocking as sexual abandon, and quite likely to be associated with it. Many of the most depraved women whom she had known in her social days, had been deeply and ostentatiously religious.

She went to church herself, of course, feeling it a patriotic duty so to do, but she had no personal feelings towards God, whom she regarded as being, conjointly with the King, head of the Church of England. However, if the girl was really obsessed by religion, a tendency which Lady Chalford had never noticed in her before, and which she presumed to be of recent origin, it might yet be possible to save her from following in her mother’s steps. Lady Chalford considered whether or not it would be advisable to call in the parson. Meanwhile she forced herself to say rather shyly, ‘The Captain was always obedient to those in authority. Try to follow His example, Eugenia.’

‘I don’t agree at all,’ was the reply. ‘The Captain’s ideas are most revolutionary, most, and he doesn’t have to obey anyone, being a Leader.’

Lady Chalford knew herself to be unfitted for a theological argument on these lines. She decided that the parson would have to be called in.

‘Give unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s,’ she said vaguely. ‘I suppose if you follow Him you won’t come to much harm. But pray don’t let me hear of you careering about the village and speaking to strange men, or you will end as your mother did.’

‘How did she?’ asked Eugenia, with passionate interest. Lady Chalford refused to be trapped in this manner. It was not a subject which she considered suitable for discussion, still less suitable for the ears of a young lady whom it concerned so intimately. The ugly word ‘divorce’ would have to be spoken, even uglier words understood. Sooner or later, of course, Eugenia must be informed, but the news would surely come best from the child’s own husband, if Fate were sufficiently kind to provide her with one. Lady Chalford was haunted by sad forebodings on this subject, no nice man, she
felt sure, would wish to marry the daughter of Eugenia’s mother; different propositions were more likely to be made.

‘Go to your room now until dinner-time. I am extremely vexed with you.’

‘Stupid old female,’ Eugenia muttered under her breath. She obeyed, however. Indeed, until the Social Unionists had come to fill the void of boredom that was her life, she had always obeyed her grandparents in everything. It had never occurred to her to do otherwise.

So Jasper and Noel awaited her in vain outside the twopenny-bar shop. They were not, however, left without any distraction. Hardly had they taken up a position on Ye Olde Stocks (which had been placed on the village green by some enthusiastic lover of the countryside in about 1890, and had since constituted a lure for Americans) than the Misses Smith and Jones appeared in search of aspirins, soap, and a daily paper. The first two were procurable, the last was not. Miss Smith and Miss Jones emerged from the village shop loudly bewailing this fact. Jasper saw and took his opportunity.