Wild Roses (24 page)

The pain she knew she would have to deal with was already trying to claw its way through the lingering warmth of their lovemaking. She bit back the sudden urge to bare her heart to Harrigan. Even in the blind heat of their passion they had not spoken of love or a future together, only of need and of the beauty of what they shared. Speaking of love would change nothing, not even if Harrigan returned her feelings. It would only add to the pain she would feel later. What good did it do to know all she could have when she had to walk away from it?

For one brief moment, she considered staying with him if he would just ask her to, but everything within her cringed at the thought of remaining in Philadelphia. If Harrigan truly loved her, it might help, but she was certain even he could not cure her of the dread she had for the city. Philadelphia had brought her nothing but sorrow and loss. She knew it was not the fault of the place, that Harold had commited the crimes, but her pain and fear did not choose to be rational. Everywhere she looked she saw reminders of all she had lost, and of how close she had come to dying. She had to leave and she was not sure she would ever be able to return.

“Ella,” Harrigan whispered, propping himself up on his elbow, and kissing her cheek. “You've gone very quiet.”

“I was just realizing how late it's become. George and Louise will return soon. I think our little interlude of self-indulgence must come to an end.”

If he had not been looking at her, Harrigan knew he would have felt as if she had just slapped him. Her words were cool, a calm invitation for him to leave, but her eyes were dark with feeling. He had a sudden urge to tell her all he felt, but he quickly sat up, busying himself with getting dressed until it could be subdued. When he turned back toward her, Ella sat in the middle of the bed wearing a prim, white cotton nightgown. She looked very young and fragile.

“I shouldn't have come here,” he said as he stood up.

“Oh, I think it would be unwise for us to begin talking about regrets and mistakes.” She smiled sadly. “I think it's best if we just leave this simple. We fed the passion we seem to have no control over. To call it any more than that or to try to do some heart searching will do neither of us any good.”

“You're probably right.” He grabbed his hat and walked to the door. “Ella,” he said in a tight voice as he opened the door and looked back at her, “if you ever return to Philadelphia—”

“I know. And the same is true if you ever come out to Wyoming.”

“I hope you can find the peace you need.”

“And I pray you find the justice you need.”

Harrigan stepped out of the room and slowly shut the door after him. He stood in the hall staring at his hat and wondering why he felt so devastated. Only a door separated him and Ella and yet he felt as if she was already thousands of miles away.

He looked at the door and seriously considered marching back in there and saying all the things she had said they should not speak of. There was a deep need in him to know that she felt more for him than passion, that she had truly forgiven him. He took a deep breath and fought the inclination. It would be cruel. He could offer her no future, no promises. She needed to flee the place that had brought her nothing but grief and misery, and he needed to stay. He slapped his hat on his head and walked away, wishing that following the correct path was not so painful.

 

 

Ella stared at the door until her eyes stung. She knew he would not return, but a small part of her still hoped. As the minutes ticked by, the clock on the mantel sounding unbearably loud in the silence he had left behind, she felt that tiny hope die. A shudder went through her as she collapsed onto the bed. Her body was still flushed and warm from their lovemaking, yet she was utterly alone.

She knew she was going to cry and she fought the urge even though she was certain she would lose the battle. What she wanted to be was calm, accepting, and mature. She had loved and lost. It had happened to thousands of people. It did not have to destroy her. It was not fatal. As the tears began to roll down her cheeks, she clutched at her pillow, curled up into a ball, and decided that, for a little while, she could allow herself to give in to the pain. She just prayed that she could indulge her grief and then compose herself before her aunt came home. Although she loved Louise dearly, she didn't really want her aunt to know how big a fool she had been.

 

 

“Oh dear,” murmured Louise, stopping so abruptly that she caused George to stumble at her side.

George quickly regained his balance and unhooked his arm from hers just in case she decided to make another sudden, unexpected move. “Oh dear what?” he asked.

“That's Harrigan shuffling toward his office, isn't it? Just down the road on the other side?”

Looking at his friend, George grimaced as he saw Harrigan's bent head and hunched shoulders. “Ah.”

“You do have a way with words, George.
Ah
is right. Damn, I had hoped he would go to see Ella, but I thought it would go better than it obviously did.”

“Perhaps she decided she could not forgive him.”

“No, she had forgiven him, although she did want to hear him apologize and explain his actions.” Louise frowned and put her hands on her slim hips as she watched Harrigan disappear into his office. “I really thought they just needed to see each other again and talk to each other a bit. I thought I'd come home to hear about a wedding. Instead I think I will need to tend to one very upset girl.”

“There is one problem I believe you did not consider. Harrigan feels he needs to stay here. This is where his business is, where he can watch the Templetons in hope of bringing them to justice, and where his family is.”

“A family he feels deeply responsible for since he blames himself for the loss of their livelihood.” Louise muttered a curse and shook her head. “And Ella must leave here. There are too many dark, painful memories here. I should have left well enough alone. I've probably just caused Ella more pain.”

“You could not be certain how firm they would be in their decisions.” He took one of her clutched hands in his and brushed a kiss over her knuckles. “Maybe Ella doesn't love Harrigan, at least not as much as you thought.”

“Oh, she loves him, more than he deserves. She also desperately needs to get away from here. I was a little naive in thinking love was enough.”

“Will it be enough for you?” George asked softly.

Louise stared at him for a moment, completely forgetting her niece's troubles. “What do you mean?”

“If I come to you in Wyoming, I will have to start all over again. I will have nothing to offer you except love and a willingness to work.”

“Which is more than enough, George.” She placed her hand on his cheek and lightly kissed him. “Are you sure you can give everything up for a woman like me?”

“Very sure.” He took a small box out of his pocket and placed it in her hand. “I had hoped to do this slowly and as romantically as I could, probably over a quiet glass of wine.” He blushed a little. “I fear it is not a ring as I could not guess what size you would wear and now I fear you may be insulted.” His eyes widened as Louise gently touched one finger to his lips.

“Hush, George, and let me look.” Louise opened the little box, saw the small silver pin inside, and started to laugh. “A train. Why, George, I never knew you had such a delightful sense of humor. Here, pin it on me, and the answer is yes.” She laughed softly when he hugged her then fumbled as he pinned the little brooch to her dress. “I will treasure it.”

“I am not sure when I can come to Wyoming,” he said quietly as he held her hand. “I have to try to help Harrigan.”

“I understand. I'll wait.” She sighed. “I would love to share my news with Ella, but I do not think tonight would be a good time. I really believed those two belonged together.”

“Love may yet win out.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe Harrigan has to believe he's lost her before he realizes exactly what he wants and how badly he wants it. Perhaps, after he takes care of the Templetons, he will decide Wyoming could use his skills.”

“That would be nice.” She kissed him on the cheek. “I thought it'd be nice to spend this evening together since I might not see you again for months.” She idly smoothed her finger over her new pin, smiling briefly in spite of herself. “However, I think we each have people in sore need of a friendly voice and a strong shoulder.”

George gave her a slow, tender kiss then smiled when he saw her blush. “I will see you soon and maybe I will not be traveling to Wyoming alone.”

“Well, if that fool decides to come with you, let me know,” she said as she hurried toward the hotel.

“I suppose you plan to interfere.”

She paused in the doorway of the hotel and blew him a kiss. “Now, George, you can't expect me to just sit back and let nature take its course.”

Laughing softly, George shook his head and strode toward his office. Louise sighed and entered the hotel. Part of her was still delighted with George's little gift, a token of all they had promised each other. His word had been good enough for her from the beginning, but she knew she would always treasure the pin. For a while she had to put aside her own happiness, however, and try to help Ella.

The moment she stepped into the room and saw Ella's huddled shape on the bed, Louise prayed that George would bring Harrigan to Wyoming. The pain she could hear in Ella's sobs tore at her heart. She moved quickly to the bed and took Ella into her arms, wondering just how much more the girl could endure before she broke beneath the weight of it all.

Louise scowled as she stared out of the kitchen window at Ella, who was weeding the kitchen garden. “Two months we've been home and that girl still walks around sunk in gloom.”

Joshua rolled his eyes and took a sip of coffee, setting the cup back down on the well-scrubbed table with a distinct thud. “You staring at her all the time isn't going to cure her.”

As she walked to the table, Louise paused to give Joshua a light slap on the back of the head before she sat down across from him. Joshua was always the last one to eat his morning meal and, she thought fondly as she studied his slender build, always ate the biggest meal. Knowing how often he had suffered from hunger, she enjoyed seeing him eat so heartily. He was the first one she had taken in and they were close. She could not blame him for finding her incessant fretting over Ella an irritation. She did too. Time and time again she had tried to stop herself from worrying about the girl, for she knew it did no good. But for all that, she would quickly return to it, for she could not bear to see Ella so unhappy.

“You can't mend this wound, Louise,” Joshua said in a gentler tone of voice.

“I know.” Louise sighed and poured herself a cup of coffee.

“Ella's the one who fell in love with that Irishman and she's the one who has to stop loving him.”

“I know that too. I just begin to fear that she never will.”

“Ella's too smart to cling to a lost cause and too strong to let it beat her.”

“So I thought, but Ella feels things very deeply. She and I have talked, but I don't believe she's told me half of what she's feeling.” Louise studied Joshua for a moment as she nervously bit her bottom lip, then decided she could trust him to keep what she was about to say between them alone. “There is something else I worry about.”

“That will be a nice change.”

“Not really. It still concerns Ella. I think she may be carrying Harrigan Mahoney's child.” She smiled at the way Joshua gaped, then grew a little nervous when his shock gave way to look of hard anger.

“You just say the word, Louise, and me and the boys will ride east, hogtie the bastard, and drag him back here to marry Ella.”

“No, you can't do that. It wouldn't help Ella much at all. ”

“What are you saying? She needs a father for that child. Think about what people will say about her, how they will treat her, if she has a child but no husband.”

“Probably not much worse than they treat her or me now. We're two young, unmarried women living on a ranch with a dozen young, unwed men. It can't come as any surprise to you that most people in town have marked us as little more than whores.” She smiled faintly when Joshua looked uncomfortable, even blushing slightly.

“I had hoped that you hadn't heard any of that talk.”

“Joshua, there are always those women who feel it is their Christian duty to tell you what's being said. They claim they are just trying to get you to change your ways. I'm afraid Ella and I don't make things any easier for ourselves by responding to such nonsense with the derision it deserves.” She briefly laughed along with Joshua.

“Louise, all that does not change the fact that it would be best if Ella was married, if the child had a father,” Joshua said as he split the last of the coffee in the pot between his cup and Louise's.

“What Ella needs is a man who loves her. Harrigan has to come to her. Anything else will slowly kill her. Yes, it will be hard for her, but not as hard as living with a man who married her simply to slap a name on his child. Hell, he could even come to resent the child.”

“So, if we're not going to force Harrigan to the altar, why did you tell me about this?”

“Because she either does not suspect it yet or is trying to keep it a secret. I need someone to help me keep her from doing anything that could endanger her life or the child's. For instance, if she wants to go riding, she gets the old mare that probably wouldn't bolt even if a cougar popped up in front of it.”

“I understand,” Joshua said and nodded, then helped Louise clear the dishes from the table. “Sure she ought to be out there yanking weeds?”

“She's not working too hard, since she spends a great deal of her time staring off into the distance. And I intend to get her back inside the house before the sun gets too hot. Once I know for sure that she's with child, or once she tells me she is, we can be more obvious in our concern.”

“Agreed. Am I to keep this a complete secret?”

“If you feel you must tell one of the boys in order to keep Ella from doing something dangerous, go ahead and do so. However, I would like to keep this as much a secret as possible. After all, I could be wrong. What I see as signs of a coming child could simply be symptoms of a deep melancholy.” Louise suddenly smiled. “And it would deeply annoy Ella if she discovered that everyone knew her secret before she chose to tell it.” She laughed along with Joshua.

Ella blinked, wiped the thin sheen of sweat from her face with her hands, and looked around her bedroom. She then looked at Louise, who sat on the edge of the bed, and blushed when she finally met her aunt's steady, knowing gaze. At Louise's insistence, she had finally given up the chore of weeding the kitchen gardens only to walk into the oven-heated kitchen and faint. Her aunt had called Joshua to carry her upstairs, and a few snatches of conversation she had overheard as she had wavered in and out of consciousness told her that Louise had just recently shared her suspicions with the young man. Joshua had cheerfully complained about having had only a few hours to savor knowing something the rest of the men did not. It would be amusing if it were not so embarrassing, Ella thought. It was no real secret on the ranch that she had been Harrigan's lover, but Ella did not see why she must now be put into the position of constantly reminding people of her slip in etiquette.

“Well, that was a surprising turn of events,” she murmured, still hoping that Louise did not really know, but only suspected, and might still have a few doubts.

“Was it?” Louise drawled as she handed Ella a cool, damp cloth to wash her face with. “You don't eat enough.”

“I eat far too much.”

“You do too much work around here.”

“Not that much.”

“You don't get enough sleep.”

“Ah, well, I think I might have to agree with that one for, although I go to bed early and even nap in the middle of the day, whether I want to or not, I still feel tired.”

“That's because you are carrying Harrigan Mahoney's child. The symptoms are clear for any woman to see.”

Louise's blunt statement left Ella speechless for a moment. She struggled to think of something to say to deny what they both knew, then wondered why she was bothering. Denials and lies could not hide the truth for very long. It was also a little foolish to keep such knowledge, no matter how embarrassing, from a woman who would willingly and lovingly help her. Despite all that good sense, there was still a part of Ella that did not want to accept what was happening to her. Once she confessed it to Louise, she would have to.

“They could be symptoms of something else,” Ella said, her tone sounding sullen even to her own ears. “I have been through an exhausting ordeal. Maybe the opium still lingers in my body. Why, I could even have a summer fever.” She inwardly grimaced at the mild look of disgust Louise gave her. “Harrigan and I were lovers for only a short while.”

“And in that brief time, how often did you make love?”

“I don't know. I didn't keep a tally sheet.”

“It doesn't matter. It only takes one time. Hell, some women are so fertile they claim it only takes a twinkle in their man's eyes. But, if you wish to keep it a secret for a while longer, perhaps deny it for a while, that's your choice. I don't much see the point of it really, but if it pleases you—”

“It doesn't please me. None of this pleases me. It's all grossly unfair.” Ella sighed, struggling to rein in an anger that had nothing to do with Louise. “You must think I am incredibly stupid and thoughtless.”

“No.” Louise smiled and patted one of Ella's tightly clenched hands. “You are young, passionate, and in love.”

“And, as you so correctly guessed, with child.” Ella slowly sat up and began to tidy her hair. “I am also alone, unwed, and miserable.”

“If you really want a husband, I could send the boys after Harrigan.”

“Oh, God, no. Please don't. Yes, I would love to be married to the fool, but I don't want him dragged to the altar. The thought of having a child alone and unwed terrifies me. It breaks every rule I was ever taught. However, the thought of marrying Harrigan when he did not choose me himself, willingly, and because he loved me, terrifies me even more.”

Louise leaned closer and briefly hugged Ella. “I understand completely. We will take care of you and the child. In truth, the child will probably have more love and attention than it knows what to do with.”

“And what happens when George arrives?” Ella asked quietly, glancing at the little silver train brooch her aunt wore every day. “He is Harrigan's closest friend.”

“Nothing will change. I promise you.”

“He might insist on telling Harrigan and then I would have to deal with a man who only wants to do what is right.”

“George will say nothing. Don't look so doubtful. He may be Harrigan's friend, but he will be my husband. Now, what is of more interest to me is how you feel about this baby.”

“Right at this moment, if I answer that, I won't sound much like a mother. A part of me is deeply ashamed of all the harsh thoughts and bad feelings I have, but none of those are really aimed at the child. I don't want to destroy the child, I just wish it wasn't there. There's no doubt in my mind that I will keep this child, love it, and raise it, yet I wish to God it wasn't on its way. I am angry, and sad, and scared to death.”

“There's nothing wrong with any of that.” Louise stood up, took Ella by the hand, and tugged her to her feet. “Now, we're going down to the kitchen, where you will sit and have some tea and something to eat. And then we're going to make plans for this child, nice, happy, keep-Ella'shands-busy kind of plans.”

Ella laughed as she followed Louise to the kitchen. If anyone could make her look forward to the birth of her child with calm, hope, and love, it was Louise. There was one thing she had not told her aunt, but Ella suspected Louise knew that too. Upon her return to Wyoming, Ella had planned to banish Harrigan Mahoney from her mind. It both depressed her and infuriated her that now she would never be able to do that. Each time she looked at her child, she would be reminded of the tall, dark, and very distant Irishman who had fathered it. Ella prayed that somehow, in some small way, her memory would torment Harrigan.

 

 

Harrigan tried to smile as he watched his family celebrate. It had taken over two months since Harold's death, ten long weeks of constant work, but he had finally brought down the Templetons. People had grown braver once Harold Carson was gone, and the witnesses and information needed to crush the Templetons had been easier to obtain. Although it had galled him to have to pay Eleanor's family one copper penny for what they had taken with deceit, Harrigan had taken advantage of the Templetons' desperate need for money and regained the family business. By combining the hard-wrung savings of everyone in the family, there would be only a small loan from the bank left to repay. He was proud of what he had done, but he did not feel the joy the others did. Harrigan knew who was to blame for that—Ella Carson. No matter how hard he had worked, he had not been able to push her out of his mind or his heart.

He was abruptly pulled from his thoughts when his father Liam pushed a glass of whiskey into his hand. A quick glance around revealed that everyone else had quietly slipped away, leaving him alone in the parlor with his father. The way Liam was eyeing him as he sprawled next to him on the worn settee made Harrigan nervous. He was not sure he was prepared for a man-to-man talk, or that he wanted to indulge in any confidences. One look into his father's grey eyes, however, told Harrigan that he would be given no choice.

“Now, lad, I couldn't help but notice that you weren't as gleeful as the rest of us,” Liam said, his voice deep due to the emotion he was still swamped with. “You should be. We are all right proud of what you've done. I never thought I'd regain all I had lost.”

“All I had lost, you mean,” Harrigan said, a hint of the lingering guilt he felt roughening his voice.

“Aw, now, we never blamed you for that.” He laughed when Harrigan just cocked one dark brow and stared at him. “Well, at times, when things were hard and anger ruled o'er common sense, we might have, but our hearts weren't in it. We all felt shamed by the thoughts when the anger had passed.”