Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (10 page)

An article titled “Introduction of the Impostor Syndrome” details some narcissistic family dynamics.

High-achieving daughters with the impostor syndrome are at great risk for “generalized anxiety, lack of self-confidence, depression, and frustration related to inability to meet self-imposed standards of achievement,”
⁵
and cannot usually stop proving their worth until they work through a recovery program.

Even after extended and repeated experiences of success, the impostor feeling does not appear to lessen. This is the lasting power of internalized messages. Incredibly competent women share the following stories:

• Lillian wants to relax and rest on her laurels, but cannot. “I could never measure up as a kid. If I brought home a B, it was always ‘Where’s the A?’ If I cleaned the bathroom, I had to redo it because it wasn’t clean enough. Now as an adult, I am a successful screenwriter and should be able to finally feel some success, but I never give myself credit because I never know when the next shoe will drop. Something could happen that would make my proud self sit in shame once again.”
  
• Cassidy always questions herself: “I went to medical school and did very well. I have found deep passion in helping other people and love my job. People call me ‘Doctor’ and look up to me and ask for my help and advice. Even though I can see I have these important skills now, I wonder if I dare allow myself credit for all this hard work. I am a high achiever and always have been, but Mother always warned me, ‘Don’t get a big head.’”
  
• Lela, 59, makes certain that she takes care of herself, but though “I feel good enough at times, it never lasts long. My self-esteem can get shattered easily. Self-doubt is but a thought away. My husband often says to me, ‘Do you have any idea how awesome you are?’ I am truly astounded that I get awards. Why would they pick me? My résumé is about six pages long, but I can’t even say ‘You go, girl’ to myself.”
  
• Jeanie, 45, reports, “The odds were stacked against me. I had no support at home. I got validation at school. I would enter speech contests, I played sports, I was valedictorian. But inside I cried myself to sleep at night. From age 14 to 20, I was clinically depressed and didn’t know it. School was my outlet. That is where people would say I was smart and okay. I would accept my awards with my head down and hunched over. I covered myself with a lot of clothes in my teens. I had a nice figure, but I wanted to hide from people. No confidence really. I was so modest. I could not strut my stuff or Mother would have emotionally abused me. I still underplay myself to others. No one gave me any guidance. In business, I managed to go from nothing to making it in the corporate world. With no insight in how to do it, I am in public relations and a seasoned professional now. I know I have worked hard, but I always feel like a fraud, an impostor. Putting myself down. It is an exhausting way to live.”
  

The narcissistic mothers of these talented, seasoned, even wise and self-aware women hijacked their young accomplishments. But now they continue to do this to themselves. I find comfort and inspiration in this favorite passage by Marianne Williamson, and hope you will too. And I hope you will start the recovery process in part 3.

Does the Glass Slipper Fit?

If you find you fit the description of Mary Marvel, know you are not alone. Your path to recovery will become clear in part 3 of this book. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers got the message to do well—but not too well, because they might outshine Mom. I don’t want to give you a mixed message too, so let me say again that your accomplishments are truly a marvel. You have overcome great odds and are an amazing woman and now you need to care for yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve. Then you will be able to enjoy the marvel that you truly are and cherish yourself as you deserve.

THE SELF-SABOTAGING DAUGHTER

A
ll daughters of narcissistic mothers to some extent give up along the way. For each one of us was but a child, not a seasoned warrior, when we had to begin to fight battle after battle for our own identity. Not one of us has been able to fulfill our mother’s expectations. Those of us who did not become overachievers to prove our mothers wrong chose the polar opposite route and took our anger out on ourselves, unwittingly sabotaging our own efforts. Feeling angry at Mother for creating a no-win situation in which she will never approve of us, in effect we say to Mother, “See? I’m proving that I can’t be who you want me to be!”

The self-saboteur is the high achiever’s internal twin. Although they’ve taken different paths and created contrasting lifestyles, their internal landscapes and emotional issues are the same.

Are you a self-saboteur? Some of the traits include:

1. Giving up
   
2. Numbing the pain with various addictions
   
3. Staying stuck in self-destructive lifestyles
   
4. Underachievement
   

Here are some stories of self-sabotaging daughters of narcissistic mothers:

• Taryn always plays it safe. Rarely can she point out an instance in her adult life where she took risks for what she wanted. “I am an underachiever because of the ‘never feel good enough’ message. The fear of failure keeps me from doing the absolute best. If I keep on the middle road, I don’t have to deal with failure. I have big ideas and aspirations, but they are dreams rather than goals. I think, Oh, that would be nice to do, but I don’t do it. Maybe I wouldn’t be good at it.”
  
• Sandra readily describes herself as an underachiever. “I don’t feel the need to be great at anything I do. I was never good enough anyway, so why bother trying? I bought a flower shop at age 50, but I never really worked hard at it to make it successful. I never strived to be competitive in work. Just get the job done.”
  
• Sally always has an excuse for missing every opportunity, and says, “I tend not to get involved. I shy away from things. I am very smart, but not confident. I could have done more, but I was afraid and I was not encouraged. The main message I got was just to get married, and that’s what I did.”
  

Why do some daughters become high achievers and some self-saboteurs? I have found that, most times, the high achievers had someone special in their lives, a grandmother, aunt, father, or close relative who gave them positive messages to offset or confront the negative ones from their mothers. Many times this special person was loving, and empathetic, and nurturing. The self-saboteur often did not have someone like this to help her or, if she did, did not have him or her long enough to make a difference.

Why Self-Sabotage?

The self-saboteur’s patterns and emotional problems are usually a survival response to her unhealthy upbringing. Rarely does any one of us make a conscious choice to be self-destructive. If, however, a child lacks maternal support and nurturing, she will most likely have difficulty understanding and processing her feelings. If your mother denied her own feelings, then she would not have allowed you to have any of your own either.

Young children believe that Mother is the true source and has all the answers. If a mother dislikes her child, or thinks she’s not good enough, the child believes she’s unlikable and inadequate. If someone does not challenge this distortion and show the child that she is worthy and precious, she will internalize these negative beliefs and eventually decide that she cannot be different.

Let Me Numb My Pain

Left with buried and unprocessed feelings, the daughter begins to find defense mechanisms to cope with her unhappiness, sadness, and emptiness. She may become severely depressed or develop eating disorders, addictions to drugs or alcohol to attempt to self-medicate the pain and inadequacy she feels, or other emotional disorders that disguise or divert attention from the origin of her misery. This becomes a vicious cycle that keeps her numb and immobile. She maintains her inability to accomplish healthy things for herself and in turn reinforces her feelings of worthlessness. She pushes people away with destructive behaviors, which leaves her lonely and empty.

• Sherri’s behavior escalated over a period of several years. “I was into sabotaging my life. Lots of sex, looking for love. Started to drink alcohol in high school. I even became a kleptomaniac a couple of years ago, a great escape that went on for about a year. It was like drinking, except the focus was on stealing. I could get away from the pain. But such shame! I had turned on myself.”
  
• Unable to motivate herself to make changes in her life, Meredith, 28, is a classic example of low self-esteem. She went to college but didn’t apply herself, and eventually dropped out. She is aware of how she is hurting herself but can still accurately predict, “If I try to do something important, I tend to have severe panic attacks.”
  
• Athena and her sisters all have eating disorders. “My older sister is anorexic and I am bulimic. Another sister is both! We were all hospitalized for the eating disorders and had to have sessions with Mother. She always blamed it on the media, but she constantly puts people down who don’t look perfect. She says awful things like, ‘How can that woman eat like that? She eats like a pig. And look at that woman’s hair!’ At the beach she would make comments on people’s bodies and their cellulite. I am overweight now and probably always will be. I have given up.”
  
• Nelly, 35, tells me, “Since I was little, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I went through long periods of depression and was even hospitalized for it. Many times, just making it through the day was my goal. I often wanted to find the highest building and, you know, take a flying leap. I eventually figured out that I couldn’t get angry or have feelings. I numbed everything, good and bad. When I realized that something was wrong with how I was raised, I began to make some big changes.”
  
• Gail, having lived for years in a state of denial, just recently leveled with herself about what her life has become: “I’m a flippin’ alcoholic. So was Mom, and I swore I’d never be like her! The worst part of this is how destructive it is to my life. I can have great things happen and right before I reap the reward, I go get drunk and mess it all up. It is like I sabotage everything good, and I get nowhere!”
  
• Never able to measure up to what her mother wanted, MariAnn got into drugs early in her teen years and at age 26 is still fighting the addiction. “It has caused me a life of disaster,” she reflects. “I used to work for a doctor’s office and got in trouble for taking prescription pain medicine out of their cabinets. I thought it was cool until I got caught and was actually charged with a crime. I go to Narcotics Anonymous now and have become sober, but it took me a long time to realize that I was sabotaging everything good in my life. It makes me so sad to think about all the years I wasted.”
  
• Damaris is coming to terms with some painful truths. “Feeling unlovable has some devastating effects. I am always feeling like I will be rejected or not accepted, so I find I cannot be assertive with anyone. I just learned in therapy that I am passive and don’t stick up for myself. This passivity has cost me jobs, relationships, and even a baby that I gave up for adoption when I didn’t want to. It all makes me cry.”
  
• Candy has been working extremely hard in therapy to release herself from her mother’s legacy. “The irony of it all is that I don’t feel like I can start living until my mother is deceased. I call it ironic because she brought me into this world. I feel like I am connected to a ball and chain. My struggle for freedom and happiness will only happen when she is gone. Why do I feel like my life will begin when her life ends?”
  
• Christy tells me, “I was diagnosed as being clinically depressed two years ago and was floored by that reality. I discovered that my family dynamics and my mother’s behavior were the root causes. I can also see that my grandmother passed this down to my mom. I have two sisters, and they have both had to deal with their issues with alcoholism and overeating. I am hoping we can all resolve our emptiness inside. I also need help in understanding who I really am and what I want out of life. I am 43 and am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I am miserable in my current career.”
  
• Misty frequently uses the word “sabotage” in describing her efforts. She feels that she invalidates virtually every good thing that comes her way. “I know this is a result of something with my mum,” she says. “From an early age I’d created a kind of fantasy world in my mind where I was loved and talented because my mother always admired gifted children. Even in my teens, I’d play music and close my eyes and could be anything, usually a great singer, dancer or guitarist, in my mind. At 18, I had a few guitar lessons but was certain I could never be the player of my dreams so gave up. I also enjoyed line dancing until I observed the UK champion; then I thought, Well, what’s the point? I can never do anything for the pure fun of it, so end up flitting from one thing to another, getting nowhere. I flounder. Perhaps I am looking for a way to impress my mum before it’s too late. I’m not sure what I am looking for or even if I know my ‘true self.’”
  
• Deep down, Janice always wanted to have children. “I always wanted a family. I did marry someone with kids, but never had my own. I get quite sad seeing mums with their children, and I envy their closeness. It is a reminder that my own childhood was stolen from me, and I can never get that back. As a little girl and as a plain child, I was always compared unfavorably to other girls. My mother was a child-minder, and when I was about nine years old there was an incredibly pretty three-year-old girl she looked after. We’d all be out together and Mum would pretend to strangers that this child was hers and that the rest of us were those she minded. She always reminded me that I’d never amount to anything, being no ‘oil painting.’ Her favorite phrase was, ‘When you grow up, I hope you’ll have a daughter just like you; then you will know what it’s like.’ Having my own kids was just too scary. What if I turned out like that?”
  

As an adult, you
can
loosen the grip of crippling self-doubt and soften the fallout from your mother’s lack of love. In fact, you owe it to yourself to address these issues. You do
not
have to resign yourself to self-sabotage. To obstruct or hinder yourself is plain unfair. You are worth so much more. Do not become discouraged, for recovery is possible.

We All Do It

Do not feel alone if this chapter is striking some nerves. All daughters of narcissistic mothers have some self-sabotaging behavior. Although high achievers and self-saboteurs live different lifestyles, both types of daughters engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Remember: The internal issues of both daughters are the same; they just get played out differently in the external environment. One might be living at the country club and the other on welfare, but both often have issues with depression, anxiety, weight, addictions, health, stress, and relationship problems. Both have internalized the message that they are valued for what they
do
, rather than for who they
are
, and have to resolve the negating internal voices.

Searching for Substitute Caregivers

While it is common to find the high achievers living in nice homes and working in well-paid careers or professions, it is just as common to find the self-saboteurs living in an aunt’s basement, in prison, on welfare, and collecting unemployment checks. When children are not allowed to be dependent on their mothers, they search for substitute caretakers as they get older. They attempt to get friends, relatives, lovers, partners, even society to take care of them so that they can finally feel cared for and secure. This may be a way to fool themselves into believing that because they are being cared
for,
they are finally being loved or cared
about
. Yet they never
really
feel cared about.

You can see that this is another method of seeking external validation, just as high achievers seek validation through their accomplishments. But in order to heal and recover, both self-saboteurs and high achievers must find internal validation.

All of the following women are bright, talented, and capable, but not one of them believes in herself. They all report that they have given up, and feel they can’t measure up, so why try? They have found alternative methods to keep other people taking care of them in some unhealthy way.

• Peggy was just released from prison for drug possession.
  
• Sammie is on welfare, a single mother with little money and no car.
  
• Allie can pay for her apartment, but not food. She gets food stamps and, when starving, collects ketchup packages from fast-food restaurants to make her own tomato soup with water.
  
• JoAnn, now 45, still lives in her parents’ basement and cannot believe in herself enough to find a job.
  
• Joelle drinks every day.
  
• Shelly was just released from the hospital after her boyfriend broke her arm.
  

Self-sabotaging behavior is not a lack of talent or skill; it is an internal struggle within you. You clearly want to do something, but your internal messages say you cannot or should not. For example, Joelle, above, knows she needs to stay with AA and work on her drinking, but she gets discouraged and drinks anyway. Shelly knows she needs to get out of her bad relationship, but she doesn’t want to be alone. JoAnn has a degree in elementary education and could get a job, but feels she won’t be accepted so doesn’t take the time to fill out the applications. Allie could get a job and have enough food to eat. She just feels too inadequate to try. Peggy knows that drugs are bad for her, but has given up on herself because she feels she will never be loved. Sammie was a straight-A student and honors graduate but keeps getting involved with the wrong men and does not feel good enough about herself to move on. These women desperately want to change, and feel discouraged and trapped. Their internal negative messages are controlling their lives and emotions.