William Shakespeare: The Complete Works 2nd Edition (247 page)

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Authors: William Shakespeare

Tags: #Drama, #Literary Criticism, #Shakespeare

BOOK: William Shakespeare: The Complete Works 2nd Edition
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SIR JOHN I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE And what says she, I pray, sir?
SIR JOHN Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.
SIMPLE I would I could have spoken with the woman herself. I had other things to have spoken with her, too, from him.
SIR JOHN What are they? Let us know.
HOST Ay, come, quick.
⌈SIMPLE⌉ I may not conceal them, sir.
HOST Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.
SIR JOHN ’Tis, ’tis his fortune.
SIMPLE What, sir?
SIR JOHN To have her or no. Go say the woman told me SO.
SIMPLE May I be bold to say so, sir?
SIR JOHN Ay, Sir Tike; who more bold?
SIMPLE I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with these tidings. Exit
HOST Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?
SIR JOHN Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life. And I paid nothing for it, neither, but was paid for my learning.
Enter Bardolph, ⌈
muddy
⌉
 
BARDOLPH O Lord, sir, cozenage, mere cozenagel
HOST Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.
BARDOLPH Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire, and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
HOST They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans
 
EVANS Where is mine Host?
HOST What is the matter, sir?
EVANS Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen Garmombles that has cozened all the hosts of Reading, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
Exit
 
Enter Doctor Caius
 
CAIUS Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?
HOST
Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
CAIUS I cannot tell vat is dat, but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany. By my trot, der is no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu. Exit
HOST (to
Bardolph)
Hue and cry, villain, go! (To Sir John) Assist me, knight. I am undone. (To
Bardolph)
Fly, run, hue and cry, villain. I am undone.
Exeunt Host and Bardolph ⌈
severally
⌉
 
SIR JOHN I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened, and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I would repent.
Enter Mistress Quickly
 
Now; whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY From the two parties, forsooth.
SIR JOHN The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY O Lord, sir, and have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
SIR JOHN What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i‘th’ stocks, i’th’ common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.
SIR JOHN Come up into my chamber. Exeunt
4.6
Enter Master Fenton and the Host of the Garter
HOST Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is heavy.
I will give
over all
.
FENTON
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
HOST I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will at the least keep your counsel.
FENTON
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,
Who mutually hath answered my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish. I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at,
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter
That neither singly can be manifested
Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene. The image of the jest
I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine Host.
Tonight at Herne’s Oak, just ‘twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen—
⌈
Showing the letter
⌉
The purpose why is here—in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry. She hath consented.
Now, sir, her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the dean’ry, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her. To this her mother’s plot
She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor. Now, thus it rests.
Her father means she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended,
The better to denote her to the Doctor—
For they must all be masked and visored—
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribbons pendant flaring ’bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
HOST
Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
FENTON
Both, my good Host, to go along with me.
And here it rests: that you’ll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church ’twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
HOST
Well, husband your device. I’ll to the vicar.
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
FENTON
So shall I evermore be bound to thee.
Besides, I’ll make a present recompense.
Exeunt
⌈
severally
⌉
 
5.1
Enter Sir John Falstaff and Mistress Quickly
 
SIR JOHN Prithee, no more prattling; go; I’ll hold. This is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away, go! They say there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!
MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.
SIR JOHN Away, I say! Time wears. Hold up your head, and mince.
Exit Mistress Quickly
Enter Master Ford, disguised as Brooke
 
How now, Master Brooke ? Master Brooke, the matter will be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about midnight at Herne’s Oak, and you shall see wonders.
 
FORD Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?
SIR JOHN I went to her, Master Brooke, as you see, like a poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brooke, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brooke, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you, he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman—for in the shape of man, Master Brooke, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste. Go along with me; I’ll tell you all, Master Brooke. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me. I’ll tell you strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brooke. Follow.
Exeunt
 
5.2
Enter Master Page, justice Shallow, and Master Slender
 
PAGE Come, come, we’ll couch i’th’ Castle ditch till we see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter.
SLENDER Ay, forsooth. I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in white and cry ‘mum’; she cries ‘budget’; and by that we know one another.
SHALLOW That’s good, too. But what needs either your ‘mum’ or her ‘budget’? The white will decipher her well enough. (
To Page
) It hath struck ten o’clock.
PAGE The night is dark; lights and spirits will become it well. God prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let’s away. Follow me. Exeunt
5.3
Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Doctor Caius
 
MISTRESS PAGE Master Doctor, my daughter is in green. When you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the Park. We two must go together.
CAIUS I know vat I have to do. Adieu.
MISTRESS PAGE Fare you well, sir.
Exit Caius
My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of
Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor’s marrying my
daughter. But ’tis no matter. Better a little chiding than
a great deal of heartbreak.
MISTRESS FORD Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and the Welsh devil Hugh?
MISTRESS PAGE They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s Oak, with obscured lights, which, at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will at once display to the night.
MISTRESS FORD That cannot choose but amaze him.
MISTRESS PAGE If he be not amazed, he will be mocked. If he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.
MISTRESS FORD We’ll betray him finely.
MISTRESS PAGE
Against such lewdsters and their lechery
Those that betray them do no treachery.
MISTRESS FORD The hour draws on. To the Oak, to the
Oak I
Exeunt
5.4
Enter Sir Hugh Evans,
⌈
Disguised as a satyr,
⌉
and
⌈
William Page and others
⌉
children, disguised as fairies
 
EVANS Trib, trib, fairies! Come! And remember your parts. Be pold, I pray you. Follow me into the pit, and when I give the watch’ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib, trib! Exeunt
5.5
Enter Sir John Falstaff, disguised as Herne,
⌈
witch horns on his head, and bearing a chain
⌉
 
SIR JOHN The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love, that in some respects makes a beast a man; in some other, a man a beast! You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love! How near the god drew to the complexion of a goose ! A fault done first in the form of a beast—O Jove, a beastly fault!—and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl—think on‘t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think, i’th’ forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow ?

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