Willow Grove Abbey (17 page)

“Oh
Sophia, what a muddle we’ve made of our lives.” He brushed tears from his own eyes. “What are we to do? I don’t blame you. I quite understand how being desperate can drive one to do things that are not ethical. Not moral. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be much choice, does there?” Owen held his head down, and ran his hand through his hair.

“No, I suppos
e not,” I replied. “But, as is always the case, one lie leads to another, and another, and another until suddenly one doesn’t know which way to turn. That’s where we find ourselves now.”

“Are you serious about wanting an annul
ment? Perhaps we could continue on in this vein, since we both have needs that are met though the marriage?”

I
must admit that I was tempted. It would have solved so many difficulties. But I knew I couldn’t go on living a lie. I was ready to have the truth known,
and did not really care anymore what people thought. That included my parents. The only person I did not want to know the entire truth was Spence.

“No
, Owen. That won’t do. It was one thing when we were both playing a role, not knowing the truth that the other was hiding. I don’t intend to be difficult, and shall be glad to tell a Solicitor that I’m equally at fault. I don’t know if specific details will be called for, but I know that anything we say will be treated confidentially. There isn’t any reason for your parents to know the truth. “

He raised his head, and looked at
me with a wretched expression. “We both married as a cover to satisfy our family’s badgering about marriage. In my case, I also needed to stop tongues from wagging as I approached my forties, unmarried. In your case, you had a child to consider. What do you want to do about the baby? Surely you don’t want to admit that the child won’t be a Winnsborough?”

“I don’t know, Owen.
I honestly don’t care for myself. Truly I don’t. However, my baby should not have to suffer because of my foolish choices. You know the ramifications of producing a baby that society would label a ‘bastard’. I cannot bear the thought that this child should suffer because of my idiocy. The baby is my most important consideration. I shall do anything to protect this tiny life.”

“I have no desire to see that happen.
I’ll be happy to give the baby my name, “he said, in a matter of fact manner. Perhaps that will make up a bit for not telling you the truth about my sexual preference.”

I
was stunned. “Owen, how can you possibly say that? How could you want to do so, knowing full well that this child is not yours?”

“It’s really quite si
mple, Sophia. I’m a homosexual male. I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with a female or another sham marriage. I cannot live this way either. Yet, I
do
want an heir. I am the last in the Winnsborough line. My parents want that more than anything.”

“
But, my child would inherit from you... I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

“
How is that different than if I adopted a child? In addition, isn’t that what would be best for the baby? He or she would have the best of everything, always... would carry a fine name...would be well-respected.”

“Owen
, I feel as though I would be
selling
my child.”

“
No, no. I don’t mean to sound that way. Surely, the baby would have the same advantages if raised a Somerville. However, I strongly suspect that you
have
enjoyed the independence from your family that marriage has brought, whether you’ve been happily married to
me
or not. Also, if society thinks that this baby is mine, there will be no questions about who the
true
father is?””

“That’s true,”
I answered. I couldn’t deny it. My mind was whirling so quickly. I finally wanted to do what was
right.
However
,
I wasn’t at all certain what that was.

“What precisely are you suggesting, Owen?”

He sniffed, and wiped his nose on his sleeve. “I’m suggesting that we
do
go forth with an annulment after the child is born. I shall settle an appropriate amount of money upon you. You will never have to worry about being dependent upon your parents again. I shall give the child my name, with all rights and privileges. In return, I ask that you keep the truth about my sexual preference confidential between us. Sophia, I assume you know that homosexuality is a crime in England. If the truth were known, I could be arrested and even put to death.”

“
My God, Owen. Surely not. I didn’t know that. I’ve always been led to believe that it is an illness of some sort.”

“Yes, that’s the prevailing opinion, but I have known that I was not interested in the opposite sex since I was very young. And, I never liked the traditional
male pastimes, such as fox hunting, fly fishing, athletics of any sort. Actually I preferred quieter pursuits, like reading and playing card games. I don’t think it is an illness, at all. I feel a though I am a woman trapped in a male body. I think that I began life this way. Certainly, no person would
choose
a lifestyle that was considered so loathsome. You understand that, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course. But
, I have never thought of a preference for the same sex as ‘loathsome. I knew girls at school who were attracted to other girls, and they weren’t loathsome. You know how well read I am…how much I adore history…I’m certain you know that as far back as
Alexander the Great
, there were known homosexuals. In ancient Greece it wasn’t at all unusual. Some of the greatest artists and writers who have ever lived weren’t heterosexual. Perhaps I’m different in that respect. I really don’t know. But, of course, I would never have
purposely
entered into a marriage with you, had I known this. I’m sure that
you
can understand
that
. It just never crossed my mind, Owen.”

“Certainly. I should never have
married you. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind either, if my parents had just left me alone.”

“Owen, this
is all past history. Now, we’re at the point in time where we have to deal with what
is
reality, and I’m glad we’ve both been honest. We have to look forward, not backward, and I would never wish to place you in any sort of jeopardy. What grounds would you intend for the annulment?”

“So
mething innocuous. I’ll place the guilt upon myself. I’ll admit to marrying you under false pretenses. I’ll say that your money was the motivating factor.”

“Owen, nobody would believe that.
If anything, your family has even more money than mine, and certainly as much
blue blood.”

“I’ll think of so
mething. I need to refresh myself about the grounds that the Church of England allows for annulment. Couldn’t we say that I lied to you about something? Anything but the fact that I’m a homosexual?”

I
still felt a dreadful stab of guilt. It was bad enough that such a nightmare was unfolding. I hated the fact that Owen’s parents might spend the rest of their lives thinking that a grandchild had been the result our ill-fated union. “I don’t see how I could lie to your parents about the baby, Owen. That would be a cruel lie.”

“Would it,
Sophia? Is it better for them to know that they will never have a grandchild than to accept your child with joy? I understand what you’re saying, but don’t you think that it would be even worse to tell them that the baby they are so thrilled about is not any relation to them?”

“Perhaps we should think on this a bit
more. It has been a dreadfully unsettling night. I think we both need to sleep, and then we can discuss this again with clearer heads,” I answered.

“
Sophia, please don’t leave the flat. I shall go to my club. I don’t want you traipsing about London at this hour. If you are going to return to
Winnsborough Hall
, I shall ring you. I swear I’ll return within a few days. I want to see my Solicitor before I leave London. I shall figure a way to resolve this muddle. The important thing is that we agree the marriage should end, and that we get on with our lives. ”

“Yes, that’s
the important thing,” I answered. “And, I
shall
stay here tonight. I’m exhausted, and need time to sort through this mess. But, I
shall
expect you at
Winnsborough Hall
by week’s end.”
He leaned down and kissed me lightly on the cheek. Strangely I felt more comfortable with him than I ever had before. Perhaps that was because it was the first honest conversation we’d ever shared.

“Take care,” he
said. “I’ll think on all of this, and we’ll speak again at
Winnsborough Hall.”
Then, without another word, Owen left me sitting in the parlor of the flat. I put my head down and sobbed, out of exhaustion, sadness and relief.

I returned to
Winnsborough Hall
on the early morning train. Upon arrival, I rang Edwina and told her everything, including the truth about Owen’s homosexuality. I felt a tad guilty when telling her, as I had just promised Owen that the subject would be treated confidentially. However, I was not about to lie to Edwina, and I knew that I could trust her implicitly. It was not a great surprise to her anyway. In fact, she said that she’d rather suspected something of the sort. She asked if I wanted her to come over from Paris. I could see no reason for that, other than the obvious comfort that would result from not shouldering the burden alone. I knew that eventually when we were alone, I would explain everything further, and was just thankful that I had her.

W
hatever I’d expected, it wasn’t what I’d discovered in London. I was surprised that Edwina had thought such a thing. It was 1936, and those persons who had different sexual preferences weren’t able to live openly, nor be honest about their desires. After the admission of his homosexuality, I finally comprehended Owen’s behavior and lack of sexual desire. I suppose I felt somewhat better knowing there was nothing I might have done to make him want me. It was difficult to muster up outrage at this eye-opener, as I hadn’t been honest with him when we married.
Were his lies any worse than mine?
I knew that we would talk further, and was optimistic that we would find a solution. A myriad of thoughts ran through my mind as I tried to rearrange plans to adapt to the new situation. The fact that Owen knew when the baby was
due
certainly simplified everything. I would still have to go through the pretense of changing the date of birth, in order for both sets of parents to believe that the baby was Owen’s. Nevertheless, if I didn’t have to keep the
supposed
father from knowing the truth about when the baby was born, it would make the situation less complex.

Having
revealed my secret to Owen, my other concern was how to tell my parents about the end of the marriage. I knew that they would be terribly upset, primarily because of the family name. It was likely that I would be the one at fault. Mummy, in particular, thought Owen was a perfectly splendid fellow. I kept repeating to myself that these things
did
happen in life, and that my parents were not babes in the wood. Nonetheless, I felt embarrassed for Owen, as well as myself.
How could I foolishly not have seen the truth?
W
hy did society practice such ridiculous prejudices
toward a group of people who were not harming anyone?
Surely, Owen and I could find another explanation. I sincerely believed that we could come up with a story that was not painful for everyone concerned.

How
ever, three days later, all hope of such an outcome evaporated. I had just drunk a glass of warm milk, and was ready to retire for the night, when the telephone rang. It was authorities in London informing me that they had just pulled my husband’s body from the Thames River. I was extremely calm on the telephone. Then, I hung up and fell to pieces.
What had possessed him to do such a thing? Why? We had discussed everything. We were ready to come to an amicable solution. Why? Why? Why?
I sank down on the settee by the telephone table, and tried to think. Mrs. Whittaker found me there a few moments later. I must have looked white as a sheet.

“
Mum, are you all right? Is it the baby?”

“No, n
o, not that. But, something dreadful has happened. Lord Winnsborough has died. I must ring my parents and the Duke and Duchess. I shall need you to make certain the guest rooms are ready. I’m certain family will be arriving. I also think that we need to call the entire household together and tell them of this tragedy. Would you please ask Morris to come to me at once?”

“Yes,
Mum. Of course,” Mrs. Whittaker replied, tears welling in her eyes. “May I ask, Mum, what...what happened?”

“He was found in the Tha
mes, in London. I suspect he must have slipped and fallen. Perhaps he’d had a bit too much to drink,” I lied. Mrs. Whittaker wiped her eyes on her apron, and I stood, putting my arms about her. “It will be all right. We shall get through this. I’m going to need your help, so please try to be strong.”

“Yes,
Mum, I will. It’s what His Grace would want,” she sniffed, as she headed out the doorway of the room to seek out Morris, and to set about preparing guest suites.

A few
moments later, Morris appeared. Mrs. Whittaker hadn’t told him what had happened, and had simply asked him to report to me in the drawing room. I told him what had taken place, and he was very stiff upper-lipped. Naturally, he was devastated, but it was not considered proper form to show any such emotion. He assured me that the entire household would be assembled in an hour, and that I could then make my announcement.

In the interi
m, I picked up the telephone and rang my parents. I stared out the window at the dreary rain. Thank goodness, Papa answered the telephone, as I certainly did not feel up to dealing with Mummy. My father listened quietly, and then said that he and Pamela would be at
Winnsborough Hall
as quickly as possible. I silently blessed him for not asking a myriad of questions. Owen’s parents were next. I dreaded that call most, knowing it was going to devastate them. The butler at
Snow Hill
, answered, and I asked for the Duke. I knew that it would be wiser to tell Owen’s father, and let him tell Owen’s mother. There was a brief wait, and then his voice came on the line.

“Your Grace
, this is Sophia,” I began.

“Well,
Sophia, what a nice surprise,” he responded.

“I have such dreadful
, terrible news to give you,” I said, as I began to weep.

“What is it,
Sophia? Are you ill? Has something happened to the baby?”

“
No. No. The baby is fine. I’m fine. But, Sir, Owen... Owen... Owen is dead.” I had been standing by the telephone table, but I sank back down onto the settee.

“How can that be?” he asked, stunned.
“Was there some sort of accident? Was he out riding without his hard hat?”

“No.
He drowned in the Thames. Dear God, I cannot believe it.”

“Do you
mean to say that he drowned himself? Committed Suicide? My Lord, Sophia, is that what you’re saying?”

“No
... No one has said anything like that. The police in London called and told me that they dragged him from the Thames. They said nothing about suicide. They wanted to tell me where they were taking his body.”

“
Where is he? Where, Sophia?”

“
At the London morgue. He has to be officially identified, even though he was carrying identification. I suppose that’s their routine,” I responded, trying to gain control of myself.

I’ll take care of that, dear.
You don’t need that trauma.”

“Thank you, so
much. I appreciate that immensely,” I sobbed.

“
Sophia, what in the world happened, or do you know? Was he alone? Do you have any details at all?”

“No
t many. I don’t believe there was anyone with him. At least they didn’t say. I suppose he could have been accosted and robbed and... and... murdered”.
I did not even remotely suspect such a thing.
“On the other hand”, I continued, “I don’t know? Could he have somehow lost his footing? Might he have had too much to drink and slipped, you know?”

“
I have never heard of anyone slipping and falling into the Thames. You say that he had his identification. That would have been in his wallet, which seems to rule out robbery. Moreover, even if that were the case, Sophia, it is summertime and the water should be quite a decent temperature. Owen was an excellent swimmer. Of course if he were drunk... Well... That would be another matter.”

“Yes, “I
replied, not knowing what else to say. There was silence for a moment. I continued to weep.

“
Sophia, do you think he committed suicide? Tell me what you honestly think.”

“I think it’s
a distinct possibility, Sir,” I answered truthfully, though reluctantly.

“Do you have
reasons for such suspicions?” He continued. “Was Owen distraught?”

I
continued to sniffle. “Sir, I don’t think he would want me to tell you,” I murmured.

Sophia
let me make this easier for you. The Duchess and I have suspected for quite some time that Owen is…was…homosexual. We have suspected it for years, but I suppose we hoped against hope that he would outgrow it, or that marriage would make a difference. I do not think it has. Do you believe that this has something to do with what has happened?”

“Yes
... Yes,” I wept. “I do. I had just learned the truth... was in London two nights before, and surprised him at the flat with a young man. It finally explained many things to me. Our marriage has been most... strange. It hasn’t been... physical.”

“Did the two of y
ou have an argument that night? Was he terribly upset that you had learned the truth?”

“Of course he was ups
et, but no, actually, we didn’t have an argument. Unbelievably, we had a civil discussion. We were going to work it out... Not, of course, continue with the marriage, but obtain an annulment. There were not bitter feelings. He was to see his solicitor in London the next day, and then he planned to come home
,
where we were going to talk it all out.” I felt better telling Owen’s father the truth. At least a portion of the truth.

“I see.
Owen, of course, did not think that his mother and I knew about his homosexuality. I should have told him... should have told you. We thought that when you became pregnant it proved that he could change... wanted to change. Nevertheless, from the moment he told us of the baby, it was clear that we had made a terrible mistake in encouraging him to marry. It was apparent that he was not acting as a husband who was happily expecting his first child. He spent far too much time away from
Winnsborough Hall,
for no good reason. Now, he’s gone and we’ve ruined your life too.”

“
No, that isn’t the case. I don’t know what caused Owen to wind up in the Thames, and I may never know. However, I’m certain that it was not because I was going to have a baby. Yes, he was terribly worried that you would find out the truth, and I assured him that I would never say anything, so he couldn’t have been worried about that.”

“Well, I’
m dreadfully sorry Sophia... dreadfully. We loved him dearly. Of course, I am shocked. His mother will be broken-hearted. However, there are things that I must do. Can’t fall apart, you know,” he stated with firm resolve, while clearing his throat. “You and I shall speak again at
Winnsborough Hall
. I must tell the Duchess, and I need to make some calls, and a dashed trip to London. I assume you wish to follow family tradition, and have him interred in the cemetery on the grounds?”

“Yes
... Yes, of course. Whatever you think would be appropriate. In addition, do you think we should notify the newspapers before there is too much speculation?”

“Yes,
jolly good. I shall do that at once. Now, you just hold fast, until we are able to get there. Is your family coming?”

“
Yes, I’ve spoken to them, and they are,” I answered.

“Good show, then.
Brace up, Sophia. Owen would expect you to be strong. We shall be there by tomorrow at the latest.” I felt better when we rang off.

Next,
I rang Edwina again, and told her. There was a long pause after I said the words “Owen is dead.”

“Dead? Dear God,
Sophia, you didn’t kill him, did you?” she asked, sounding very serious.

“Oh
Edwina, don’t be absurd. Of course not. It is just horrible and I am all undone. My parents will be here shortly, and I need your advice and strength.”

“I’
m sorry, Sophia. I didn’t
really
think that. What in the world
did
happen?”

“He was found dead, floating in the Tha
mes. Drowned.”

“How grueso
me. You weren’t in London too?”

I
told her exactly what had transpired since my last call to her. When I finished, Edwina said that she quite suspected he had committed suicide.

“But why?
We talked it all out. I was not going to expose him. In addition, as it turns out, his parents have suspected this for some time anyway. His homosexuality was not a shock to them. Of course, he didn’t know that.”

“Nice of the
m to tell you,” Edwina sarcastically replied.

“I know,
Edwina, but, let’s face it; I wasn’t exactly honest with them, either. My greatest dilemma now is whether to let them go on believing that my baby is Owen’s. That is what he wanted me to do. He said that he wanted the baby to have his name, but I don’t feel right about it.”