Willow Grove Abbey (47 page)

“
Please lower your voice. Do you want the people in the next room to hear this discussion,” Blake said, in his most authoritative manner.

I
really don’t know what happened to me. I had no plans to say the words that came out of my mouth. I suppose a human being can take just so much in a lifetime, and I’d certainly taken my share from Blake and from my father. I was terribly angry, had a beastly headache, felt weak, shaken, and wondered if I could go on coping with everything that was happening. In any event, without even thinking, I turned to Blake and blurted out words that could never be taken back.

“Oh how very, very typical. We’re supposed to worry about whether or not the people in the next roo
m hear our conversation, but as long as things are done privately and secretively, then that’s just fine! You are exactly like Papa. It was fine for you to know that Papa did evil, wicked things to me when I was only a child of eleven. You were seventeen years old, Blake, and you didn’t care a whit what was happening to your little sister. I ran to
you
, Blake, after what Papa did while bathing me. I told you everything. And your answer to me was to get out of your room. Your exact words were, “
Ahhh, the poor guy... he never gets any affection.” I
n today’s world, Papa would be labelled a sexual abuser.”

Susan’s face drained of color. Turning to her husband she said, “Blake, what is she talking about?”

“Ah, she’s just trying to get back at Dad and me. She’s crazy. Don’t pay her any mind, Susan. It’s a pack of lies. ”

Susan had a stunned look, as though she didn’t know what to believe. It hadn’t been
my intent to hurt anyone. I’d never confronted Blake, and certainly not Papa about the hurt inflicted upon me. Yet, I had also never forgotten it. It had been with me every step of the way growing up, and had festered for a long time. At that moment, when emotions were running high, I erupted. Turning my attention to Susan, I apologized. I said it had nothing to do with her, and wished she could forget what I’d said. Of course, she couldn’t. I knew beyond any doubt, that I’d lost Blake for all time. He was so much like Mummy, and he worshipped the ground Papa walked upon. Making such an accusation toward Papa was as bad as making it about Blake. One simply
did not
confront him in such a fashion and then go back to having a normal relationship, as though it had never taken place. Even though he knew what I’d said was true, he would never admit it was so. If I hadn’t said it in front of his wife, we might have gotten beyond it, but I doubt it. Susan ran from the room, and Blake muttered that he would never forgive me if it ruined his marriage. I told him that I did not think there was any way that would happen. Susan loved him, and Papa’s sins were no reflection upon Blake’s character. The only thing I was criticizing Blake for was my having pleaded for him to help me, and his treating me like I was nothing but a bother to him. Because of the way he had reacted on that long ago evening, which was still seared in my soul, I never approached him or anyone else about the several other incidents I suffered at my father’s hands. It was abundantly clear that no one cared.

“You’re crazy, just like your
mother,” he screamed. Then, he strode out of the room, leaving me alone. I marched down the hall to one of the bedrooms, and gently knocked. Papa’s voice told me to come in. Blake must have been in the other bedroom with Susan, for Papa was alone. There was no way he hadn’t overheard the furor.
The expression ‘crazy’ was so completely overused, especially in our home, and it was so absurd. In truth, what he was really saying was that he didn’t like what I was saying.

“Well, this appears to be a fine kettle of fish. I’
m sorry, Papa. I should not have said what I did, but it
is
the truth. You know that. I would never lie about something like this. Edwina loves to wax-on eloquently about ‘unconditional love.” Well, Papa, if there has ever been an example of unconditional love, then it is my actions toward you. In spite of what you did to me, I have
never
confronted you with it, and have always shown great love for you. I’ve protected you, and kept your secrets. You know that’s true.”

“I know that,
Sophia. I know,” he murmured.

“Did you think because I was such a young girl, that I had forgotten about it? Or
had buried the memories?”

I suppose I hoped so, Sophia. You never gave any indication that you re
membered.”

“No, I didn’t. And if you re
member the incident, when it occurred, Mummy was out in the hallway when I screamed out ‘
Papa Stop’
. I quickly
lied
to keep you from Mummy’s wrath, and called back to her, lying, and telling her that everything was all right. I said that you had only been scrubbing my back too hard. How utterly amazing that at such a tender age, I would have been more concerned with protecting you, then in protecting myself. Do you remember that, Papa?”

“Yes, Sophia. I don’t like to re
member it, but I do. I always hoped that it would never be brought up.”

“Well, I’
m sorry, but it
has
been brought up. I don’t intend to tell Mummy, or to mention it again. But If I know Blake, he is going to try to turn the entire family against me, and tell all of the others that I am
crazy
, which they will be only too ready to accept. Papa, you know precisely what you did to me as a child. I pray to God that you will be decent enough to stand up to the rest of the family on my behalf, and for once in your life tell the truth. You needn’t get into specific details. I just want you to make it clear that Blake is the one who is lying. He is embarrassed now, and doesn’t want people to know that it was in his power to put a stop to it, and he chose to act as if it didn’t matter what was done to me. The only thing that mattered to him was that you were protected.”

“
I cannot take sides against my children”.

“Oh
Papa, how sad,” I continued. You are willing to let me be called a liar and a crazy person rather than admit that I’m merely being honest? Isn’t that taking Blake’s side? “

”I just want to have a relationship with all of
my children. I can’t take sides.”

“You can’t take sides? Can you tell the truth? There is a difference. You
made me into a victim once, Papa, and now you want to do so again. You know that everyone in the family adores you . . . even Mummy, in spite of present circumstances. Whatever you say has always been the Gospel truth. And in this situation, if this is told…
And it will be
…it will find its way to Drew and Annie…and undoubtedly even to Blake Jr. and Pippin. If you don’t admit that what I’ve said is true, there is no question that I will be shunned by my entire family. No one will believe that
I’m
telling the truth. Everyone will be carrying on about what an evil person I am to make such an accusation about you…and about Blake. How could you do such a thing to me?”

“Because I a
m a survivor, Sophia. Sometimes survivors have to say and do things that go against their grain?”

“
Survivor!
Perhaps more correctly a
sociopath,
with no conscious. In other words you would do anything to survive and keep your reputation intact, including lie about your own daughter, and if necessary let her be thrown out of her family?
‘That
is your definition of a survivor? In other words, you would rather put yourself first at all costs, and if that means stepping all over me, and ruining me, so be it”

“Sophia, all you need to do
, to stop any of this from occurring, is to say that you were angry, and said things that weren’t true. Tell Blake that what you implied about me is not true, and that it never happened. Then, apologize.”

“
In other words, lie! Apologize? What am I apologizing for? Telling the truth? Being honest? Having feelings? Finally blurting out the truth after a lifetime of holding it in, and letting Blake treat me like a piece of garbage? Oh. Papa, no. There was a time you probably could have talked me into something so vile. But, no more. I didn’t do anything wrong. Not when I was eleven years old, and not now.” I shook my head from side to side, as tears fell from my eyes. It hurt a great deal to know that my own father would not defend me. I don’t know why it surprised me as much as it did. After all, wasn’t that what he had always done?
No matter the issue.
All scales fell from my eyes. It was a devastating moment. I gathered my handbag, and put the papers I’d brought on the table, all the while shaking. “Well Papa, I’m sorry about all of this. If this family weren’t so thickly tangled in a web of lies, perhaps we wouldn’t have rows like this. Perhaps we might even have been a normal family. I’m beginning to wonder, Papa, if this affair with Edwina was the first in your life? Perhaps it’s just the first time you were ever caught? In which case, perhaps Mummy senses that, or has even known it all along, but her fear of abandonment has placed her in an untenable situation.”

“So
metimes it’s better to not be honest, Sophia. What is the sense in hurting people?

“Is that an answer to
my suspicions
? Have
there been other affairs? I suspect that I even know who some of them may have been. When I look back on your life, I see a pattern. You and Mummy would become very friendly with some couple or other. That couple was usually very unhappily married. Thus, the woman was extremely vulnerable to someone like you…a supposed fine man, handsome and titled, saying loving things to her. And I think it always worked. When you told them you wouldn’t leave Mummy and marry them, they eventually broke it off, or if they were too infatuated,
you
ended it. It was the same pattern with Edwina, only you got in way over your head.”

There was co
mplete silence from Papa. It was clear to me that I was correct

“Why not just love people unconditionally?” Papa responded?

“Oh Bollocks, Papa! Stop it! Unconditional love has nothing whatsoever to do with this. You know what you did to me, and I suspect what you’ve done to others. The amazing thing is that I
do
love Blake and I do love you, Papa. In spite of the ghastly situation you have caused due to your cheating and lying and . . . yes . . . abuse. My silence, and my protection of you
, is
unconditional love. Now, it is exceedingly clear that you will lie for Blake, and make me out to be a
crazy
person. God, I hate that word. It is so childish. Where is my unconditional love?” I was trembling from head to toe, and could feel perspiration break out on my forehead. I wondered if I might faint. I needed to end the conversation and get away from there. “You and Blake don’t have to worry, Papa. I have no desire to tell any of your secrets to the world.” I kissed him on the cheek, and told him to try to get some rest. “Our entire family has always suffered from so many secrets and lies. I am rather adept at keeping secrets,” I added. Without saying another word, I got up, and left the room to begin my journey back to
Willow Grove Abbey
.

When I arrived ho
me, Mummy was sleeping soundly, and everything seemed in good order, as contrasted with the melee I had been through. Isabella was home from school, and I went to the nursery to play with her. She was filled with chatter about school, and friends, and I was glad that her world seemed so unaffected by happenings around her. She was nearly five years, still small for her age. Still a beautiful child. Her hair was very long, reaching to her waist. It was a mass of ringlets. There were also wavy bangs scattered above her perfectly shaped brows, enhancing her wide, dark blue eyes. Her beauty always took my breath away. She looked so much like Spence.

“
Mama, Mama, we’ve had a letter from Papa. I’ve been waiting ever so long for you to come home so that we can open it,” she cried as she came bouncing to me. She was dressed in a checked gingham play dress, with a pink bow in her hair, and looked like a cherub.

“Well, bring it to
me, darling. Let’s see what Papa has to tell us today,” I said, sitting her upon my lap. Together we opened the letter, and I read it aloud to her.

“Now let’s see,” I
said. It begins
‘Dear Sophia and Isabella,
’

Isabella clapped her hands together in glee. Then, I continued;

“There is a shortage of pilots and, I have been flying more than I thought I would be, since my return. I can’t tell you where I’ve been, as it would only be cut by the censors. Just know that I am taking good care, and that I have painted both of your names on the side of my Spitfire. The other chaps joke with me, asking who ‘Sophella” is. I just laugh. I am already so lonely for both of you. It is hard to believe that I only said goodbye to you such a short time ago.

Isabella, I
miss you very, very much and think about you every day. Every night when I go to sleep, I say a special, little prayer that God will keep you safe from harm. Sophia, my darling, never forget that you are in my thoughts day and night, and that I only live for the day I can hold you in my arms again. Your letters are wonderful, and help so much to keep my morale high. They give meaning to why I am here. Keep writing darling, and take very good care of yourself and Isabella. You are both my world, and are all I need.