Willow Grove Abbey (6 page)

“Do you think so,
Sophia? My father was in the ship building business. I don’t know if he would have been particularly pleased that I chose the medical profession. I suspect he would have preferred that I follow in his footsteps.”

“Do you think
you would have?”

“It’s hard to know, isn’t it?
So often persons do what others expect of them. Most of the chaps I knew at school were following the family tradition. In that respect, perhaps I’m fortunate that I was able to make my own choices … Select my own path. Don’t misunderstand,” he smiled. “I’m certainly not fortunate to have lost my parents at such a young age. I would much rather have entered the ship building business and had my father, than have been free to follow medicine as a career. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you, Sophia?” ”

“
Of course, Spence. And that’s an interesting way to think of it. I wonder what my choices might have been if faced with a similar situation? Of course, women are so much more limited in their choices, aren’t they?”

“So
me are, some aren’t, Sophia. Look at Edwina. Going off to Paris to pursue a career, just as adventurous as any man I’ve ever known!”

We were still standing next to Spence’s desk, and I finally placed the fra
med photo back into its place. “Well... Edwina has always marched to her own drummer,” I laughed. “But, most women aren’t given
a lot of options.” From the time I started at Ashwick Park... actually from the time I was born... it was clearly understood that there was only one path that my life was to follow. I was to marry as quickly as possible after commencement from school. Certainly, the goal of the Season is to find a husband. You know that. I detest the way that sounds. It’s as though I’m telling you that I rather expect that you are to propose marriage to me. It isn’t supposed to be stated aloud, of course, but there it is.”

“
Sophia. You are a treasure. Not another woman in England would say those words. Frankly, I adore your attitude. It takes all of the game playing out of it. However, you told me early on that you wished you had more options... that you weren’t ready to think of marriage so quickly. What would you do if you had options?” he asked.

“I’
m not sure, Spence. I used to think I would love other options. I’m not certain of that anymore.”

“Would you run off to Paris with
Edwina? Share her flat, have scads of romances, learn to paint, or write grand novels?”

“
Me? Heavens no. London is quite adventuresome enough for me. I have never had any desire to live in France. I adore England. I especially adore London. Not necessarily to raise a family, but now, when I’m young. I think it would be smashing to be a part of it all. Rather like Annie and Drew are doing. They won’t be in London forever... just while he finishes Theology School. Then, they’ll return to a country setting... hopefully
Willow Grove’s
chapel.” As we talked, we moved to the small, slip-covered loveseat in his waiting area. We sat there and continued our conversation. Spence put his arm across the back of the sofa, and over my shoulders.

“Would you have a stylish ho
me in London, then, and throw lavish parties and Balls?” He was smiling at me now, as he knew that was not who I was, and that such an idea wouldn’t appeal to me at all.

“I don’t think so, Spence.
I’ve loved all of the parties and Balls during the Season, but I cannot imagine a steady diet of that sort of thing.” I paused. In a tremendously impetuous moment I murmured “
Perhaps I could be a country doctor’s wife in Twigbury.”
I murmured the words so softly that I couldn’t be certain that he’s even heard me. I shocked myself when I spoke them
. How could I possibly have said such a thing?
He turned and stared intently at me, wanting to be certain that he
had
heard correctly. He was looking at me very keenly. I caught my breath and my heart skipped a beat. “I’m sorry, Spence, That was very forward of me. Please forget that I was so audacious,” I implored, as color began to rise in my cheeks.

“
Sophia, that isn’t at all an audacious statement. You have only put into words what I’ve been longing to say. Nevertheless, there are impediments to my asking that question. I don’t feel that I have the right. There are many things to discuss. There are your parents, religion, and the differences in our social class. I need to speak with your father and I’ve only met your parents in the receiving line upon my departure from your Ball. They were both quite genial then, but that was before they knew I might become a serious suitor for their daughter’s hand.”

“I kno
w, Spence. I know.” My heart was actually hurting.

“
Sophia, I love you,” he said, very directly.

I
raised my eyes and looked straight into his. “Then nothing else matters, because I love you too.”

I
was in his arms and we were no longer speaking. It was all touching, kissing,
and holding. I could feel his arousal as he pressed himself against my body and caressed me. Surprisingly, that didn’t frighten me, as I’d always thought it might. Our kisses became more intense, and I had an overwhelming desire to have him touch me. Once again, there was that familiar feeling that I’d come to know as a mad desire for something
more.
He gently laid me down on the sofa, raised my skirt above my hips, and put his hand on the inside of my thigh. I was not at all embarrassed, which came as a surprise. I had always been very, very reluctant to let any man touch me in an intimate way, and had never done so. I’d listened to girls at
Ashwick Park
talk about sex, but, I’d never became involved in those conversations, other than with Edwina. Something about the subject was unseemly to me. Still, Edwina assured me that when a woman truly fell in love it made an enormous difference. I was snug against Spence, his mouth by my ear. Turning his head towards me, he whispered, “I want you so, dear Sophia.”

His
words seemed to be the final hurdle. Gently removing my undergarments, Spence groaned as his hand found the soft fur between my legs. I thought I would go mad with longing as he touched that forbidden place…. that place where I had never allowed anyone to touch me before. Spence caressed me gently, and I kissed him with reckless abandon. He then unbuttoned my blouse, unhooking my brassiere.  His lips were on my breasts. I began to sigh, and could hear my voice as though from far away. Suddenly, Spence broke away from me, and turned his head to the side, as though to clear his thoughts. As though to stop the mad rush of passion carrying us toward a firestorm.

“What is it?” I
asked him. Don’t you want me?” I was confused.

“Oh,
Sophia, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I’m just not certain that it’s right.”

“Spence,” I
cried, “We love each other. What can be wrong when two people are in love?” I had heard those very words from Edwina.

“Nothing,
darling Sophia, but I don’t want to hurt you or to do anything you might regret later.”

“You could never do anything to
hurt me, unless you stopped caring for me. I love you so much,” I whispered. He clasped me to his chest, and we kissed with fierce abandonment. He must have known that I was ready for him, in the way that only men
do
know such things. Suddenly, all hesitancy was gone, and he was clearly mad with desire. He shed the remainder of his clothing, and we lay naked together. Skin against skin. Ever so gently, he began to thrust, and each time, I felt myself more ready to receive him. Suddenly, my body welcomed his, and we were as close as two human beings can be. I felt a brief stab of pain, but ever so quickly, ecstasy replaced discomfort. Instinctively, I brought my hips up, to be as close to him as possible. He thrust repeatedly, until we reached a pinnacle of passion that I could never have imagined or described. We cried out to one another in joy, and were truly one.

When our
lovemaking ended, we lay quietly in each other’s arms relishing the serenity. I didn’t regret what had happened. I finally understood what my body had been longing for each time we’d kissed and held one another. I loved him. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else would ever matter. We lay there calmly, savoring the aftermath of passion. Spence was the first to break the silence. Lighting a cigarette, he propped himself up on one elbow.

“
Sophia, we need to talk, darling,” he murmured as he nuzzled my neck.

“Yes, I know,
” I answered, running my hand through his thick hair.

“I love you so, dearest.”

I love you too, Spence. So much.”

“But we have so
me things to work out. I have many things to talk to you about.”

“W
ell, is it the religion thing, Spence? Or, the silly class nonsense. I don’t care about either. What is it that you believe that I don’t, in terms of religion?”

“Oh darling, I’
m not sure there
is
very much we don’t agree on. The Anglican Church formed from the Roman Catholic, because Henry the Eighth wanted to be divorced to re-marry. If it hadn’t been for a tart named Anne Boleyn, there never would have been an Anglican church. Funny, how the entire history of mankind can turn on something so seemingly trivial. Who knows? Perhaps they were soul- mates too,” he laughed. “Pretty unlikely, however, since he had her beheaded, when he tired of her.” I joined in the laughter. “At any rate, the beliefs are really quite similar, other than the fact that the Anglican Church doesn’t acknowledge that the Pope is infallible. Of course the Catholic church doesn’t allow divorce.”

“I haven’t any intenti
on of ever getting a divorce,” I answered. “That isn’t even a concern. Would we have to marry in the Catholic tradition and would I have to promise to raise any children Catholic?”

“
Yes…Well, there are other things…Certain rituals. It would be best if you converted. Not totally necessary, but ideally.”

“I don’t know if I’d
mind that. I’m quite intrigued with the history and ritual of your church. Although I know so little about it, I have a keen desire to learn more. It appears to play such a significant role in your life.”

“But, what about your parents?
From what you’ve told me, there is not going to be a wondrously happy reception from them at the news that their daughter is seriously considering marriage to a Catholic.”

“They’d
mind, very much. Mummy would go into a gargantuan rage. I’ve no doubt.” I had described my mother’s rages to Spence, as my trust for him steadily escalated throughout the months of our dawning love. Being a physician, he knew and understood better than some might. Nevertheless, no matter how much he helped me to understand Mummy’s rages, I was still deathly frightened of them.

“When you say that they would
mind very much, do you feel that you could withstand their disapproval?”

“
Spence, I’ve never thought about that. Mummy is the one who terrifies me so. You know she rules Papa with an iron glove. Mummy has shut a child out for much less serious infractions. The position of
being Mummy’s favorite child has a high turnover rate, I’m afraid.” I ruefully laughed. But, I feel so madly in love with you that I believe I could withstand anything.”

“
I hate you having to face that, darling? I know you love them very much. Of course, I fully intend to speak to your father alone.”

“Don’t count on that, Spence. I don’t believe there is any way that
Mummy wouldn’t insert herself into the middle of any conversation that you had with Papa.

“
I’m not an easily intimidated man, Sophia. I’ll make certain they understand that I am there because I know how dearly
you
love them, and long for their approval. But, I intend for them to clearly understand that I dearly love
you
, with all of my soul, and that I’m not leaving without their blessing.”

“
I love them and hate them, Spence
.” I nearly shouted. I surprised myself with my vehemence. I’d never said such a thing to another soul; had never even said it to myself. I felt a bit of a traitor. No matter. It was true. “My parents’ don’t care a whit what I want from life. It seems that my entire purpose for existence has always been to please them in some manner. Everyone Spence,
simply everyone
, thinks Papa and Mummy the most charming couple on Earth. They
can
be so kind and generous. So charming. But they can also be. . . “

“I know,
Sophia. It doesn’t sound as if they’ve been ideal parents.”

“They haven’t
, “I replied. “Spence, they’re so terribly odd. Both of them. They
are
my parents, and of course I
do
love them. But I have yearned for their approval for as long as I can recall. If I didn’t love them, I wouldn’t care about their approval. No matter what I’ve ever accomplished, they’ve been snide and disparaging. I feel that I’ve spent my entire life doing cartwheels and backflips, hoping that they would show pride in me. I’ve never had any affection from either of them. Truly, never. My mother says some of the cruelest things imaginable. Really hurtful things. She’s told me that I am not pretty... perhaps a bit above average, but certainly nothing compared to how lovely she was at my age. She tells me that I shall be fortunate if I ever find a man who loves me. Papa believes that the only reason a man would want me would be because of my dowry. Papa has never taken my side against Mummy. I’ve already told you about Mummy’s ghastly rages. But, I’ve never really shared details. She smashes anything within her reach, screams, yells, and literally throws a tantrum. I have been slapped in the face more times than I care to remember. And…Spence…I’ve never said anything to you about
this…
in fact, have never told a soul…not even Edwina…but, when I was a young girl, Papa did some vile things to me. Really vile. Do you know what I mean?”