Winter Soldier (20 page)

Another incident I’d like to talk about was on Christmas Day 2003. I was at Baghdad International Airport and a CID officer was drunk, stumbling around our company area. He had a cup of vodka—I found him in this storage room on the side of our building alone, and he flashed me his badge. I just was like, “Why are you showing me your badge?” And he asked me, “Who can I fuck who will suck my dick?”

And at this point, I just was really just like, “Get outta here,” you know—“Just leave.” We tried to get rid of him, but he was the guest of a woman who was put into our company. We asked this woman to make him leave and thought he left, but apparently he didn’t. The next time we saw him, he was bleeding from his hand, and the story that we heard was that he cocked his gun and somehow caught his hand in it. I don’t know how he cut his hand, but that night there was a big investigation.

I want to read this memo to commanders in MEDCOM, Regional Medical Commands, and the subject is Military Treatment Management of Reported Alleged Sexual Assault Cases, Payment for Exams and Kits: “SAD kits”—SAD kits, which are rape kits—“are not included in TRICARE coverage. The Assistant Secretary of Defense is soliciting legislative changes to TRICARE benefit which will include these kits within covered TRICARE supplies. Until that occurs, beneficiaries may be liable for bills for these supplies. Some states may have victim assistance compensation programs which will pay for certain accommodations for victims of sexual assaults, including S-A-D kits.”

That’s how the military takes care of rape victims.

This is important not just because of what happens to people in the military. Think about Abu Ghraib, I mean, think about the way sexual objectification manifests itself and that’s what happening in Iraq to Iraqis, and it’s disgusting.

I joined straight out of high school. I was seventeen. My first experience with sexual harassment was with my recruiter. He was married and his wife was pregnant, and he used to make it a requirement for me to go with him and talk to other soldiers about joining the army in order to reel them in. One night he got drunk, and he had to stay at a hotel because his wife was mad at him. I drove him to the hotel and then he came on to me; I was able to weasel my way out of it and get out. That was my first brush with just the military and sexual harassment.

When I was in basic training, we heard stories of drill sergeants sleeping with trainees. When I deployed I worked in a clinic. I was a combat medic and had this interest in looking at gruesome things. I asked one of the surgeons there if there was a way I could go to the operating room and watch a case. He said, “OK,” and the next day he asked if I wanted to start working there.

I agreed and started the next day at seven in the morning, and through that whole deployment, I was harassed like every single day. I dreaded every day I went to work because this surgeon would catch me alone in a hallway and push himself against me with his hands behind his back. It’s extremely difficult to do your job proficiently, efficiently, and correctly when you have to look out for one of your own supervisors.

So basically what he was practicing was quid quo pro, you know, “I transferred you to the operating room, so therefore, you need to give me something back.” This person was in an extremely important position and he had transferred me over. All I kept thinking was, “If I speak out, it’s gonna be my word against him, and I’m just a specialist, so who are they gonna believe? Are they gonna get rid of the guy that’s making all the decisions and saving lives or me, the disposable specialist?” It never got to a physical point because he knew exactly what he was doing, and I never reported it because I knew the command wouldn’t do anything about it. It’s not easy to speak up—you’re looked at as a snitch for turning around and talking about your brothers and sisters and comrades that you’re working with day in and day out.

Some people point out that we do sexual harassment training. We do consideration-of-others training, but the type of training that goes on is check-the-box training. Which usually consists of an NCO in the front of a room giving a PowerPoint presentation and then we’re done, everybody goes home.

It’s really hard for me to sit here and kind of tell you all this because I joined trying to be patriotic. I joined to try to do something for my country, and the last thing I would’ve imagined would have been joining an organization where I would be harassed this way by my own peers, by my own comrades.

I began my duty at United States Coast Guard Station, Burlington, Vermont, on February 2, 2006. I was one of two females assigned to the base of around twenty-five Coast Guard members. On an almost daily basis I would hear comments based on my gender. One person told me females should never have been allowed to join the Coast Guard. A third class petty officer told me to go to the galley to mess cook because women belong in the kitchen. I was also told by a member of my command that I am not capable of doing certain things like being on an ice crew because I am a female and those jobs are for men.

While in the lounge watching TV with my shipmates a male seaman came and beat me with a rolled-up newspaper. No one tried to stop it and a few of my shipmates just sat there and laughed. I was upset and surprised and didn’t want things to escalate so I moved to my barrack room. The next day the chief and his second-in-command, the executive petty officer (XPO), found out what happened and I was called into the chief’s office where they told me that they were worried I would not be able to deal with pulling a floater from the water because I was weak. They told me I made a mistake by joining the Coast Guard and that I would need to get a psychologist’s evaluation. Our base was small and didn’t have any medical facilities, so they sent me to the Integrated Support Command Center in Boston.

I spent a few days in Boston and was then sent on to New London, Connecticut to meet with the psychologist at the Coast Guard Academy. His advice to me—ignore what my shipmates were doing, “sailors will be sailors.” He said their behavior was acceptable, cleared me, and allowed me to go back to Burlington.

While I was on base in Burlington many of my shipmates warned me that one of the male seamen was an abnormal character and advised me not to be friends with him. Due to my open mind and desire to be liked and get to know all my shipmates, I decided to befriend him anyways and gained his trust—we spoke often.

On May 30, 2006, the seaman called me and asked if I wanted to go for a drive. I was not doing anything so I agreed to go. We drove from Burlington and stopped for a hike. Along the hike we came upon a waterfall and a pond. When we got to the pond he mentioned that he wanted to take his clothing off and go for a swim. He suggested that I do the same. I told him it was too cold and I opted to sit on the grass by the water while he continued to remove his clothing and went for a swim.

When he finished swimming and came out of the water, he walked toward me and then positioned himself with his genitalia in front of my face and said “You know what to do.” I immediately said “no” and asked if we could leave. I remember feeling nervous because nobody else was there and I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I tried to get up but he pushed me down and pinned me with my wrists so I couldn’t move. I kept shouting to him that I wanted to go but he just wouldn’t listen to me. At that point I was begging him to let me go and said I didn’t want to have sex with him. It was at this point he forcibly removed my clothing and raped me.

I don’t remember walking back from the pond to his car. I was in absolute shock that a fellow Coast Guard comrade would do this. I went to the barracks, took a shower, and hid from him. Later that night I received a text message on my cell phone from my rapist and shipmate. He stated that he had a letter for me and he placed it under my door. In the letter he stated how much he loved me and how sorry he was for what happened. I submitted the original letter to the Coast Guard legal team upon their request. The Coast Guard later denied having that letter of his rape confession.

I did not report the rape right away and I didn’t get a rape kit done at the ER because of my earlier experiences. First I was beaten by my shipmate, and then the other incidents I was teased and blamed for. I figured I would be found at fault for this as well. I was scared of getting in trouble because I blamed myself for not being strong enough to stop the rape. I learned later that I was experiencing normal post-rape symptoms including denial, self-blame, and fear. I made the mistake of trying to put the entire incident out of my head.

I wanted to tell the executive petty officer. I was scared but I knew it had to be done. When I finally I started telling the XPO and within three sentences of what I said about my shipmate he told me “drop it.” Once he heard that I wanted to press charges against my rapist he told me to leave his office.

A friend of mine heard about the rape and went to officers in Boston and gave them a general summary of what was going on. The Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) officer called me and though I talked to him I didn’t have the courage to tell him everything. The XPO in Burlington somehow found out and called me into the chief’s office. The chief, XPO, and another first class petty officer stated that what I was doing was against Coast Guard policy and that I could get discharged if I talked to a petty officer who was not in my chain of command. They also found out that I spoken to the Equal Employment officer and suggested that I call him back and tell him that I would not press charges against the chief or the XPO.

They spent almost two hours trying to convince me that I should not be telling the EEO officer about what’s going on at the station because “they could lose their job.” They explained to me that the Coast Guard means more to them than their own family. They told me that they had wives and kids to support and tried to make me feel guilty for mentioning anything. The first class petty officer told me that this would end up going in front of the captain and that he would laugh when he heard a “non-rate trying to go against her chief.” He said that I was just making a fool of myself and in court he would side with the chief and the XPO because I am just a non-rate.

They asked me if I had anything planned because I would be at the station for a long time. I informed them about an appointment scheduled with my civilian therapist through the Coast Guard’s Employee Assistance Program and they said that I couldn’t go. I also was not allowed to go “upstairs to the barracks or change out of uniform.” I had to stay on the second deck and work until I told them that I would not be telling anyone about what happened at Station Burlington. I ended up having to clean off mud, shine all the metal in the mess deck, and other such jobs till late in the afternoon. Feeling defeated, I told the chief that I would not be telling anyone in Boston about my Burlington experience. I felt dismayed and realized that I would have to work under this command for the next few years. With that said, I thought it was best to not burn any bridges with them and just drop the issue even though I know what they were doing was wrong.

After this happened, I was in the process of getting boat-crew qualified and had all my requirements done except for a few that needed to be done while underway. The entire station was told to not allow me to go underway for no other reason but to punish me. I was forbidden to advance within the Coast Guard. Shortly after these incidents, my performance changed and command noticed and I was sent to South Portland, Maine to have a performance review done. While in Portland I worked really effectively because I was away from my rapist/shipmate, and when my fourteen days were up I received a good report and got all good reviews in Portland.

The chief in Portland called me into his office and said that I did a great job and that they would escort me back to Burlington and I started crying. I told him I couldn’t go back to Burlington. He figured out something was wrong because just mentioning the word Burlington alone made me cry. He eventually said he wouldn’t send me back but would send me to Boston because there would be a lot of people there that could help.

In Boston I was denied testing for any sexually transmitted diseases and for potential injuries that may have occurred during the rape.

My first weekend in Boston I was put on “restricted duty” and forbidden to leave the base. Even though I was showing obvious signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Military Sexual Trauma, I did not receive any treatment. The lieutenant who was put in charge of finding me medical care stated that due to TRICARE policies it was difficult to find a doctor that deals with sexual assault survivors in the city of Boston. It took four months after the rape for me to see my first psychologist about my trauma.

I was assigned to work at “Coastie Joe’s,” the on-base coffee shop. My duties included cashier and making coffee. I eventually was told I could no longer work there by a commander because I was a “slut and flirted with the customers.” When asked what he meant by flirting he said that I was “smiling and being polite.”