Winterkill (33 page)

Worse, I'd be leaving my pa to Brother Stockham. Tom won't realize his mistake until it's too late.

My chest aches. Tom was always trying to get me to believe my Stain didn't matter, to stop being so afraid of what people thought, and now his own fear will be his undoing—

My thoughts stop.

Tom was always trying to get me to believe . . .

I care more about my Stain than anyone else.

My pa. All this time I thought he was disappointed in me. Thought he was just tired of me being a burden. But each moment he looked at me that hopeful way, each time he was begging me to take his meaning, it wasn't Stockham he was asking me to accept . . .

I take a deep, shaky breath and hug my knees close. Images swim through my head: Edith's blue eyes drinking in my words, Andre showing me that arrow, Soeur Manon mending my dress, Sister Ann's understanding face . . .

Been so afraid of how I look to others, I was unable to see a truth that was right in front of me. There are people in the settlement who look at me less kind, sure, but they're afraid. And if fear has blinded me, can I fault the people around me for the same thing?

I can't just up and leave.

I press the palms of my hands to my wet eyes, trying to think.

Tomorrow afternoon, the second day of Affirmation will be in full ceremony. What might happen if we try to get back into the settlement? Watch might have orders to shoot anything that isn't Council, but . . .

But mayhap I can get to Andre first. Like that night I was out at the Crossroads; I know where he patrols. And if I can get to Andre, I can get in and then—

Then what?

Get my pa? Tell the settlement about Brother Stockham?

Will anyone hear what I have to say? Will they urge Council to listen to my Discovery, to accept the Lost People I've found?

I don't know. All I know is that I can't leave, and I don't have much time. Andre will help me get back inside. After that—well, we'll just have to see.

My dream comes flooding back. Watch standing on that hill, between me and the cabin, shooting Matisa down.

I shiver.

I think about Kane, standing outside the cave in the howling wind waiting for me. What has Stockham told Watch about him? Probably to shoot him on sight; Kane knows too much. And he defied Council and headed into the woods for me, so I'm not letting him risk his life again. No. I have to do this on my own. It's just . . .

There's no way he'll let me go back alone.

I close my eyes again, thinking.

Honesty, Bravery, Discovery
.

I want to be Honesty. But I need to lie just one more time.

Long minutes later I stand and push out of the spruce boughs, then I take Kane's waiting hand and lead him inside the cave.

Around the fire, I stare into the coals so I don't have to look at anyone. “I have to go back,” I say. “My pa's in danger and I can't leave him.”

Four pairs of eyes alight on me. “I have a plan.” I keep my voice steady to feign truthfulness. “I got someone to unbolt the wastewater ditch yesterday. Today when the Watch shift changes, I can get inside.”

Kane's voice is perplexed. “I thought you said Tom hung you to dry.”

“It's not Tom,” I say quick, “it's a Watcher.” I will away the flush creeping up my neck. I continue, “We'll need to get past the Councilmen in the woods, but I can get to that ditch unseen.”

“This is what you must do?” Matisa asks.

I nod. “I have to.” I stare at the coals and wait with my breath held. I can feel the four of them shifting, looking at one another.

“Leave the Councilmen to us,” Isi says.

Relief and gratitude fill me. “You have guns?”

He and Nishwa exchange a glance. “Not exactly.”

“What's that mean?”

Matisa smiles. “It means all Isi could steal from our
moshum
were a few gas masks. He has the weapons under lock and key, but we decided he wouldn't notice a few masks. The boys were worried about poison gas—the Dominion has been using it.”

Poison gas? Kane and I look at one another, confused. But the first part of Matisa's answer registers.
Masks.
The seed of an idea springs up, emboldening me.

“Never mind,” Matisa says. “We have Nishwa's twenty-two—a rifle. But it is mostly to scare away wolves.”

I look around at them. “I don't want you to get hurt.”

“We don't need guns, Emmeline,” Isi says. Matisa nods in agreement.

“All right,” I say.

Kane reaches over and squeezes my arm. “I'm coming with you.”

I force a smile.

That's what you think, beautiful Kane
.

“YOU SURE IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HEAD STRAIGHT
for
them?” Kane whispers to Nishwa.

Isi shoots him a look.

We're looking at the cabin from the top of the north hill. There's a Councilman standing outside it with a rifle—looks uneasy. I wonder how Stockham explained this cabin. A device of the
malmaci?
Built by people plotting to harm us? Another Councilman paces the ridge of the hill on the far side. He's being none too secretive, but I guess Councilmen aren't exactly trained in tracking and hunting. They've only ever had to tie up people for the Crossroads. My stomach lurches.

“We need to draw them as far from the settlement as we can,” Nishwa says.

“I know. It just seems a mite . . . dangerous.” Kane rubs his bare head and draws his hood.

“Isi checked the woods from here south to the fortification. The Councilmen are here or farther out,” Matisa says.

“What if they find the horses?” I ask. The beasts are tied to poplar trees a half-mile back.

“We hope they do,” Isi says.

I frown.

“It is part of the plan,” Matisa explains. “We left the horses in a perfect spot to ambush your Council.”

I don't know exactly what she's speaking on, but I decide I don't want to. They said they wouldn't kill the Councilmen, just restrain them. But what they'll do to get to that part . . .

“You should go,” Isi says. He's been looking at me different ever since we made a plan to get back to the fort. I can feel a blush on my cheeks. I clear my throat and nod.

Matisa steps forward and presses her forehead to Nishwa's and Isi's in turn. Then she turns to Kane and me. “Come on.”

“Wait. You're coming with?”

“Yes,” Matisa says.

A spike of fear pierces me. “That's not a good idea.”

“Why?”

“It's just not. I had a dream—”

“I had one too. And it told me to come with you.” She looks at me, not angry but impatient.

“Matisa—”

“I'm going.” She starts ahead of us, then pauses and looks back. “Are you?”

I swallow. I can tell by the look in her eye she won't be talked out of it. I think quick. It's not how I planned it, but mayhap her coming along is a good thing. At least if things go bad, she can get Kane back here safe. I turn to Isi and Nishwa. “The Councilmen have guns.”

Nishwa nods. “They will not see us to shoot us.”

I don't know how to thank them, so I put a hand to my chest in the Peace. Kane clasps their hands, each in turn. Then we start down the hill after Matisa.

When we get near the bottom of the hill, I hear that fluting whistle. It's the boys, talking to one another as they move into position. I send a quick prayer to the Almighty to keep them safe. We reach the bottom of the hill, skirt the gully, and head southwest through the rows of bare poplars. It starts to snow: tiny flecks dancing on the cold wind. Matisa and Kane set a steady pace, crossing through the ravine and up the other side. They're far quieter than me. I know Matisa would be even if I could walk normal. When we near the grove, I start to favor my bad foot and fall several strides behind them. They're out the opposite side before I enter it.

Kane turns back and watches me a moment. “You all right?”

“Fine,” I say, then make a show of biting back a cry of pain.

“Your foot's troubling you.”

“The river swim didn't help, but I'll be fine,” I say.

Matisa frowns at me, saying nothing.

We press on until we get to the dead scrub. Snow coats the top of the brush in a fine powder and the wind is quieter here. I take the lead but go excruciating slow on purpose, pushing aside bare branches careful-like and wincing with every other step. I'm heading east, toward the river. Finally we reach the willows just south of the Cleansing Waters. I labor onto my stomach on the cold forest floor. Matisa and Kane sink beside me, looking at my leg.

“If we head straight east in these willows, we'll come to
a part of the riverbank that's hidden from the Watchtower. Get over the edge and hug close to the bank until we can see the fortification. We'll wait for Watch to start their shift change. When they do, we make a break for the wastewater ditch. We'll have to move fast.”

Kane chews on his lip. His eyes are worried. “Emmeline, hate to say it, but you might be too slow, with your foot and all.”

My blood thrums in my ears and I bite my lip, pretending I'm thinking hard.

“How's about you wait here in the willows? We'll do exactly as you say—over the ridge, along the bank, and head for the wastewater ditch when Watch starts to change. Once we get inside, we'll come back for you.” His eyes are so sincere it near undoes me.

I look at Matisa.

She nods. “It is a good plan.”

I feel a wash of relief that she doesn't offer to stay with me. I pretend to think on it some more. “All right.”

Kane and Matisa raise themselves on their elbows to peer at the fortification. Then they flatten to the earth. He jerks his head forward. She crawls off through the willows.

“Kane,” I say suddenly. He turns back with a questioning look. Tears are springing up and I wipe my eyes quick, hoping he thinks it's the cold wind biting at them. “I love you.” I crawl forward and push my face into the space between his shoulder and neck. Breathe him in one more time. Woodsmoke, warmth.

He puts a hand on the nape of my neck and presses a kiss to my forehead.

“And I love you, Em.”

Then he's gone, disappearing through the willows on his belly, and I'm alone, listening to the whistling wind. I roll onto my back and watch the flat sky crying little flakes of snow.

But there was one young girl with a bad leg; she couldn't walk fast like the others.

The snow drifts and brushes my face—soft feathers that hint at the blistering ice coming on the wind.

That story's about paying what's due, that's plain, but I've always thought it's also about curses being secret blessings.

I swallow the guilt that threatens to choke me right there. I didn't want to lie, but I need to pay what's due and my secret blessing will make sure of that. Mayhap it was always meant to.

I tell myself I'm not afraid. My hands are shaking, so I tuck them under my arms. The snow whispers down onto my face.

I count a few beats in my head. Kane and Matisa are surely at the edge of the willows by now. In a few moments they'll be along the riverbank and waiting for Watch to change shifts. I roll over, crawl back toward the trees and stand. Listen to the woods a moment.

Silence.

I draw my cloak aside and put a hand to my
ceinture,
feeling the bulge of the Elephant Man mask beneath. If this plan goes bad, if I'm detained once I get inside the fort, at least I have the mask: people will start asking questions. Andre, surely. And if Tom hasn't turned in my pa yet, he can get help reading the book.

And if I'm shot on sight . . . well, same thing.

My throat gets tight. Regardless, they'll need to open the fortification to come out for me. There'll be a ruckus and Kane will be able to get away. Go with Matisa and the others, mayhap come back when it's safe—

I stop my thoughts there. That's only if it goes bad. And it won't. I got back inside the fortification once; I'll do it again.

I limp as fast as I can, pushing through the brush and heading for the west side of the fortification. By the time I've skirted the Watch flats the snow is swirling heavier, goose down landing on my eyelashes. I blink. The sun is hidden behind the great blanket of gray sky and I'm too far inside the trees to see the fortification, but I know I'm nearing the corner Andre patrols.

I told Kane and Matisa there was a Watch shift change in the afternoon. I said Frère Andre had told me that—said it was the best time to break for the wastewater ditch. But they'll be watching for that shift change forever, because it's not coming.

The wind whistles in my ears, the air is bitter cold;
La Prise
is showing her hand. And if I don't make it inside now, I might never have to take shelter again.

I crouch at the edge of the woods, inside the first line of trees.