With All My Love (42 page)

It is easier to be near work so I can spend as much time as possible with Briony. And, moving now is not as big a trauma for her as it would be if she had started school.

It’s very hard to say this, Lorcan, but I can no longer deal with Tessa’s anger towards me or mine towards her. I am making a complete break and intend never to return to Rockland’s. I said my goodbyes to Jeff at the grave this morning, knowing that his grave will always be looked after by his family, of which Tessa made sure I did not become a member.

I’m sorry, Lorcan. I know all this hurts you terribly and that is the last thing I want to do. I will always be in your debt. You will never know how much your strength, kindness and compassion helped me when I got pregnant and then when Jeff died.

I love you, Lorcan, and so does Briony.

With all my love,

Valerie xxx

Valerie read the letter, which bore no address, slid it into the envelope and sealed it. She wrote Lorcan’s name and address neatly, licked a stamp and stuck it on the envelope. He would be shocked receiving it, she knew that. But it was Tessa’s fault. The blame lay solely with her. On the phone, Lizzie had said bluntly that she was being spiteful, moving without telling them where they were going, and that Briony would suffer. And Valerie had said equally bluntly that Lizzie could look at it like that if she wanted to, but it had been hard enough dealing with Tessa when Jeff was alive; she was damned if she was going to deal with her now that he was dead, and if Jeff didn’t like it wherever he was, tough. He’d left them to their own devices. She would do what felt right for her, and she wasn’t going to talk to Lizzie about it again.

She’d been huffy when she’d hung up because guilt had niggled at her. She was taking Briony from loving grandparents, but her child was young; she’d adapt. There was plenty to keep Briony occupied in the city, and in time, the Egans would be a faded memory for both of them.

‘Come on, Briony,’ Valerie said to her daughter, who was putting Molly to bed in her cot. ‘Let’s go post a letter and then I’ll take you to the park for a swing. How would you like that?’

‘Yippee, swings.’ Her daughter jumped to her feet and Valerie laughed as she fastened Briony’s padded jacket, and pulled on a fleece herself. Hand in hand, mother and daughter walked out of their new home, into the crisp autumn sunshine, as the leaves skittered gaily around their feet and a white butterfly fluttered along in front of them.

C
HAPTER
T
HIRTY
-E
IGHT

The first few months in Dublin were the darkest and loneliest of Valerie’s life. Getting Briony settled in her crèche while she went back to work was strange and exhausting. Christmas was a nightmare. She felt she had to put up a tree and make a fuss, and pretend to be excited about Santa’s much-anticipated arrival. It was Briony and the familiar routine of work that got her through. Carmel had come up to Dublin on Christmas Eve and set about ratcheting up the excitement factor for Briony, keeping her occupied while Valerie slipped upstairs to her bedroom to cry muffled sobs into her pillow. She left to drive home to Rockland’s after Briony was safely tucked in bed with her stocking hanging from the bedpost and a carrot and glass of milk sitting on the fireplace for Santa and Rudolph.

Pretend it’s just another day, had been Valerie’s mantra that day as she cooked vol-au-vents and chips for their dinner, eschewing the traditional feast. Briony had tucked in happily, feeding her new dolly little titbits. She was ecstatically happy with her new dolls’ buggy and her nurse’s outfit. The sitting room had been turned into a hospital ward after lunch and Valerie lay on the sofa being attended to, with one eye on the TV, and gradually daylight dimmed to dusk and the glow of lights on the Christmas tree grew brighter, and the day that Valerie had dreaded with all her heart slipped away. It was with huge relief that she went back to work in the New Year, now that the ordeal of the first Christmas without Jeff had passed.

Three weeks later, she got a phone call at work from the crèche to say that Briony was running a temperature and could she come and take her home. She had to take three days of her precious annual leave to nurse her through an ear infection because Carmel was stricken with the flu and couldn’t come up to stay.

Being a working single mother wasn’t easy. Valerie lived in dread of phone calls from the crèche, or getting stuck in traffic and being late picking Briony up, but her friends in Dublin were kind, and Carmel could always be depended upon to help out in a crisis, so she muddled along. As the days began to lengthen and the winter turned to spring, although she mourned Jeff deeply, Valerie began to feel as though she had survived a violent upheaval and nothing could ever be as bad again.

In early summer she got an unexpected windfall. Back money from a wage agreement and a tax rebate came with her salary cheque and she told Lizzie about it during their Sunday night phone call.

‘Why don’t you come over for a few days? I’d love to see you,’ Lizzie urged. ‘I’m so lonely and homesick,’ she wheedled.

‘Chancer, you’ve been there nearly five years!’ Valerie laughed. ‘You told me you were starting to enjoy life in London.’

‘I’d enjoy it even more if you came to visit. Come on and see our new flat,’ Lizzie cajoled. She and Dara had moved from Kensal Rise the previous year.

‘I’ll think about it,’ Valerie said, laughing.

‘Don’t do that, be spontaneous and just come,’ Lizzie urged.

‘We’ll see.’ She put the phone down and tried not to remember when she and Jeff has spent several fun-filled mini breaks in London with their friends, and Tessa had looked after Briony for them. But it would be wonderful to be with Lizzie, and she and Briony deserved some fun.

‘Would you like to go on an airplane and see Auntie Lizzie?’ she said to Briony the next day when she was getting her ready for the crèche.

‘In the sky? Where Daddy is?’

‘Yes.’

‘Can I bring Molly?’

‘Yes, darling, of course you can,’ Valerie said, beginning to feel excited. Be spontaneous, Lizzie had said, so that lunchtime, having applied for annual leave, Valerie booked their flight to London for the following Thursday morning.

Lizzie flung her arms around them in Arrivals at Heathrow, hardly able to believe that her best friend and goddaughter were standing before her. ‘We are going to have such fun!’ she declared, cuddling Briony. ‘We’re going to fly a kite on a big hill where you can see all of London.’

‘Sounds good. Where is it?’ Valerie asked as her friend led the way down to the tube.

‘Primrose Hill. It’s quite near us; we can have a picnic. It’s very posh. You might even see a film star or two,’ she said jauntily, stepping onto the Heathrow Express.

‘Dara’s going to meet us for a quick coffee.’ Lizzie was still beaming when they reached Paddington, and she led them across the street to an elegant pub, The Pride of Paddington, while Briony stared around at the red buses and big black cabs with their light on top, fascinated at this new exciting place. Dara had embraced them in a warm bear hug and they’d sat for half an hour catching up before taking the tube to Swiss Cottage, where Lizzie took them down a tree-lined road full of neat red-brick houses off the Finchley Road, and to the flat she now called home.

The smell of strange spices and aromas filled Valerie’s nostrils as they climbed the stairs to Lizzie’s two-bedroomed flat. ‘An Egyptian couple live downstairs and they cook a lot of Arabic food. It rather perfumes the air.’ Lizzie threw her eyes up to heaven as she showed them into a bright airy flat, painted in shades of cream and white. Two sofas, and a huge TV filled the room, and the sun gleamed on the wooden floors, dotted with rugs.

‘We’re going for the minimalist look. Rather Swedish, don’t you think? Lizzie said, showing Briony her two bonsai trees.

‘Poseur!’ Valerie teased. ‘It’s lovely and so uncluttered. I’d never get away with that now. We could open our own toyshop.’

The kitchen was small and compact, with a selection of cupboards that didn’t quite match. ‘Dara think’s he’s a DIY expert. Wait until you see the wardrobes,’ Lizzie grinned, leading the way into their bedroom, which was decorated in shades of off-white with the wall behind the big double bed sponge-painted with pink daubs.

‘It reminds me of someone with the measles, but nothing would do him but to give it a try after seeing it being done on the TV,’ Lizzie said resignedly. ‘Just as well I love him.’

‘Interesting, though,’ Valerie said diplomatically, and they burst out laughing.

The break had been just what she needed, and she and Lizzie had sat up until the early hours, just like in the old days, talking about how their lives had changed, sometimes laughing, and sometimes crying.

Watching Dara race down Primrose Hill, a huge red kite trailing behind him, and Briony, yelling with excitement, running after him, Valerie had felt unutterably sad, wishing that Jeff had been there with them. Lizzie had seen the look on her face and wordlessly reached out, caught her hand and squeezed it.

Boarding the flight home on the Sunday, Valerie knew she would be back. This was the first of many such visits. It would be something to look forward to, something to keep her going when she was missing Jeff with all her might.

Tessa heard Lorcan’s car start up, the gravel crunching under the tyres as he drove out onto the road. She listened as the sound of the engine grew fainter and reached out for the cup of tea he had left on her bedside locker.

It was pelting rain. She could hear the relentless onslaught against the windows. She sipped the hot tea, then put the cup down and snuggled back under the bedclothes, letting them fold around her. She glanced at the clock. Just after six. The house was empty and silent, the loneliness, sorrow and despair seeping through the walls. ‘Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.’ She called his name and convulsed into sobs, weeping unrestrainedly, knowing she could not be heard, relieved that she could grieve without upsetting the rest of her family.

She wept until she was drained and then she lay exhausted, reliving the horror of that life-changing day when her son had died. She looked at the clock again, wishing she could sleep. Seven thirty. Her heart lurched. When it was her day to mind Briony, Jeff would arrive with her at half seven and the little girl would run into the house eager to see Tessa, ready for the adventures they would have and the games they would play. Tessa missed her grandchild greatly, now more than ever. Briony was their kith and kin, their last link with Jeff. It was cruel of Valerie to disappear the way she had, taking their grandchild with her. It was abduction, no more no less, Tessa raged. She had to confront her; there was no other way around it. Christmas, the worst of their lives, had come and gone, and Carmel had refused point-blank to take the Christmas presents she had bought for Briony or to give Tessa Valerie’s new address.

‘Please, Tessa, stop harassing me. I have to respect my daughter’s wishes. Please understand that. I feel terribly sorry for you and maybe time will heal, but for now leave me be,’ Carmel said wretchedly.

Tessa had felt like murdering her. She didn’t care if Carmel was upset with her – couldn’t the woman understand how
desperate
she was to see her grandchild? Remembering her grief and frustration during those dark days of the festive season, Tessa came to a decision. She would have to take the matter into her own hands.

She jumped out of bed, wrapped her dressing gown around her and hurried downstairs. She took the telephone directory into the kitchen and flipped the pages until she found the large entry for Dublin Corporation. She found the address for the department Valerie worked in and wrote down the address and telephone number. She made a mug of tea and took a map of the capital out of a drawer in the dresser, poring over it until she was familiar with the route she planned to take. For the first time since Jeff died, Tessa felt a sense of purpose. She showered and dressed, and just after ten she dialled the number she had written down.

‘Could I speak to Valerie Harris, please?’ she said to the girl on the switchboard, hoping her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she felt.

‘Just a moment while I put you through,’ the receptionist said pleasantly. Tessa’s fingers curled around the phone cord and her heart began to thump.

‘Hello, Valerie Harris,’ she heard a familiar voice say briskly. Tessa hung up immediately. Valerie was at work – that was all she needed to know. She grabbed her bag and car keys, locked the door and hurried out to the car, her fingers trembling as she switched on the ignition. She had to take a chance that the passage of time would have helped Valerie to realize just how unfair her actions were to Briony, Jeff’s family and Jeff’s memory. Tessa spun the steering wheel, slipped into gear and began her journey to Dublin, veering from sickening deep dread to wild optimism as the miles flew by.

She could eat lunch on the run and do her grocery shopping, Valerie thought, instead of doing it after she’d collected Briony from the crèche, when they’d both be tired. She hurried down the steps of her workplace, anxious not to lose a minute of her lunch hour, and failed to notice the woman in the black trench coat take a step towards her. She was mentally going through her shopping requirements when she became aware of her name being called and she turned, still preoccupied, and felt a sickening thud in her stomach when she recognized Tessa.

Dismay was swiftly replaced by fury. ‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded angrily, stopping in her tracks.

‘Valerie, we need to talk. It’s wrong of you to keep Briony away from us, from Jeff’s family. He wouldn’t want it. He’d be appalled. Surely you know that. Surely you know that you are not acting in Briony’s best interests, depriving her of a loving family unit. You are being thoroughly selfish.’ Tessa’s accusations were like a punch in the stomach.