With This Heart (22 page)

When Neil’s voice trailed off and the song ended, I stood there for a moment, gathering my resolve and tucking my grief away for now.

One moment it was silent and then in the next life carried on. Caroline’s mom welcomed everyone to her house for food and drinks, and people began standing up and chattering amongst themselves.

I picked up the cardboard cutout and my stuff, and then kept walking until I reached the last row of seats. Beck stood to greet me and I took in his handsome features. He ran his hand under his cleanly-shaven chin, taking me in from my kitten heels to my sad smile.

When our eyes locked, I exhaled a deep breath, letting it carry away everything: a pound of immense sadness, my worry that things with Beck had changed, and the nerves from speaking about Caroline while attempting to hold it together. It was the feeling you get when you fall face first into bed after a long day. That’s what being near Beck felt like.

He stepped toward me, stuffing his hands in the pant pockets of his form-fitting suit, and offered me a sad smile. People shuffled around us, making their way to their cars. But we stood there, communicating without words and letting the moment sink in. I ran my fingers through my long hair and tilted my head to the side.

“
I missed you,” he offered quietly.

I smiled despite the circumstances. “I kissed a gay guy and I judged a strip-off at a gay club.”

His features morphed from thoughtful repose to complete shock, mixed with humor in a matter of milliseconds.

“
Wow.” He cocked his eyebrows.

“
Are you mad?” I asked. My hand was still wrapped around cardboard Orlando Bloom.

He shook his head and stepped closer. “I’m
impressed
. That must have taken some skill. Was he a better kisser than me?”

I thought back. “His lips tasted like strawberries and I was just tipsy enough to convince myself that he looked a little bit like you.”

Beck rocked back on his heels and laughed. “So… he had brown hair?”

I mashed my lips together and nodded. “That was the only similarity it turns out.”

Beck squeezed his eyes closed and laughed harder.

“
But, no. He wasn’t better than you,” I clarified, looking away to find my parents, or so I told myself. They were making their way over with confused expressions. Oh right, I was communicating with someone from the opposite sex.

“
That was such a good speech, Abs. Caroline would have loved it,” my dad offered when they reached me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and tugged me closer, then looked up at Beck. There was an awkward silence for a moment before I realized I was meant to introduce everyone.

“
Um, Mom and Dad, this is Beck.”

“
Oh!” my mom clapped her hands together in recognition of his name. I guess it wasn’t hard to remember the one guy that had ever answered my phone.

“
Hi Mrs. McAllister, Mr. McAllister.” Beck offered his hand respectfully. I chanced a glance up to my mom to see her beaming from ear to ear.

“
So you’re the boy that whisked my daughter away on a secret road trip?” My dad joked, but his tone held an edge of sternness.

“
Paul!” My mother swatted my dad’s arm playfully.

“
Actually your daughter whisked me away on a road trip.” Beck shot me a private smile.

I just gripped Orlando Bloom and prayed that he would come to life and save us from this awkward moment.

“
Will you be joining us at the Pruett’s house?” my mom asked with a hopeful glint in her eye. Shouldn’t she hate him? Sure, maybe it wasn’t his idea to go on a road trip, but he was still a young guy who was most likely a bad influence on me.

His gaze flitted from mine toward my mother. “Actually, no, I have a family dinner, but I wanted to come and show my support for Abby.” His words were so sincere. I wanted to kiss him in front of my parents, at my friend’s funeral, with Orlando limply watching on.

“
Oh,” my mother answered, flitting her gaze between us, most likely trying to pin down what exactly was going on. “Okay, well it was wonderful meeting you. Abby, we’ll be in the car.” I loved my mother extra hard for dragging my father behind her and giving Beck and I one last moment of privacy.

“
You’re wearing the locket,” Beck noted. I hadn’t taken it off since the flea market. It rested around my neck, just above my scar.

“
I haven’t changed the photos yet,” I shrugged, playing down the fact that it was now one of my most favorite possessions.

“
I like it,” he murmured. I looked up at him from beneath my lashes.

“
Do you really have a family dinner?” I asked.

“
Just with my dad,” he answered with narrowed eyes.

I nodded. “You don’t seem so excited about it.”

“
He doesn’t know about my MIT transfer yet. I imagine it won’t be a very pleasant meal.”

I frowned, wishing I could help him bear the burden.

“
Do you want to take Orlando Bloom for support?” I offered him a half smile.

Beck dropped his head and laughed. “Nah, I’ll let you keep him. I don’t think my dad would get the joke.”

The conversation seemed over. I thought he’d turn and head toward his truck, but instead he asked, “Are we going to finish the trip?”

My mouth hung open as I waited for my brain to catch up. I didn’t know the answer to that. My grief over Caroline was a living thing. It grew and slept, dormant at times, and then wild and all-consuming when I least expected. Would she have wanted me to finish the road trip? Probably, but I didn’t agree with her logic anymore.

“
I’m not sure.” I stared at my Mary Jane heels.

“
It was just getting started, Abby. Think about it,” he answered before dipping down and kissing my cheek. I inhaled his scent and warmth before he turned and walked away.

…

I
did
think about it. I thought about it as I grocery shopped with my mom. I thought about it as I went to my weekly check-up. My doctor was reprimanding me about missing my appointment and then she mentioned something about increasing my medication dosage. My mom took notes while I thought about Beck’s question and stared at Dr. Pierce’s mahogany desk. When I’d come in for the appointment, I tried to find Alyssa, but I guess she wasn’t working that day. I still had the note she gave me tucked safely inside my wallet. It was taunting me. The fact that I had the address on me at all times. Maybe I’d never use it.

My mom dragged me back to the career counselor for another hour-long session. At least this time my counselor had the results from my career aptitude test. Apparently, I was most suited to be one of the following:

1. Park Ranger

2. Biomedical Engineer

3. Accountant

4. Writer

How in the hell she had arrived at any of those four jobs was beyond my understanding.

“
I’m not sure I want to do any of those,” I admitted, looking up toward Dr. Lucas.

She smiled knowingly toward me. One of those slow, condescending smiles that basically said
‘oh, sweet naive little girl
’.

“
Those are just starting points, Abby. From here, we’ll narrow down other career paths and then decide where you should apply for college.”

I zoned out and decided to spend the remainder of our meeting thinking of Caroline and Beck. They would have been good friends. They were both optimistic and friendly. I would have been the cynical glue that held the group together.

I texted Beck later that day.

Abby
: I’m apparently suited for one of the following jobs: Park ranger, writer, accountant, and some weird type of engineering…

Beck
: Who told you those were your career options?

Abby
: My life coach.

Beck
: Seems like the sort of thing you find out by living and trying different things out…

Abby
: Do you want to be my new counselor?

Beck
: Conflict of interest…

Abby
: Oh…

I smiled at the idea that he still liked me, but I wasn’t going to question it. Maybe the stars aligned perfectly when he walked into the funeral home and he was helpless to my alluring charm.

Abby
: How was dinner with your dad?

Beck
: He wasn’t too thrilled, but he isn’t paying for my school, so there isn’t much he could do about it. I know I’m making the right choice though.

Abby
: I’m glad you told him.

Beck
: Me too.

Abby
: Could you send me your address?

Beck
: Why?

Abby
: Reasons…

This time it would be different, I called my mom and told her what my plan was. She wasn’t comfortable with the idea of me road tripping around the state with a relative stranger, but she knew there was nothing she could really do about it. After all, we’d already done it once and survived.

I packed everything I needed, sans urn, and shoved it all into my car before heading toward the address Beck had sent over last night. The roads were empty since it was early on a Saturday morning. I’d planned ahead, thinking it would take me longer to get to his apartment, but when I pulled up next to his grandfather’s Camper it was barely seven am. Whoops. He was going to kill me.

I tried to pass some time, rearranging my CDs and making sure the iPod speakers would work sitting on top of my car. After the sun had fully risen and there was nothing left to do, I hit call and waited for him to answer. He didn’t pick up until the fifth ring.

“
Sorry that I woke you up!” I exclaimed into the phone before he had a chance to groan at how early it was. “I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t sleep and so I left my house earlier than I had planned, and there was no traffic.”

“
What are you talking about?” Beck laughed, but his voice still held tones of sleepiness.

“
Come outside after you put some clothes on.”

“
How did you know I wasn’t wearing clothes?”

My cheeks reddened at the thought. “You told me you slept in your boxers usually and I was guessing, but wow…now that I know that you’re naked...”

“
Did you call me at seven to have phone sex?”

I laughed an embarrassing laugh to cover up how much his question flustered me.

“
I’ll be out in a second,” he answered, and then hung up.

I scrambled out of the car and set up the speakers so that they would face his apartment building, then got ready so I could press play on the iPod as soon as I saw him. My heart raced. I was so nervous; I was putting my feelings on the line and if Beck laughed or thought I was a cheesy dork, I wasn’t sure how well I’d take it.

There was a thumping of feet on the stairs and I peered up to see him making his way toward the first-floor landing. I panicked and hit play as quickly as I could. John Denver’s guitar started streaming through the speakers followed swiftly by his soft melody. I reached over and turned the speakers up high right as Beck rounded the staircase and came into view.

His dark hair was disheveled and curling at the ends even more than usual. He’d thrown on a white t-shirt and workout shorts that hugged his solid frame. Once his eyes locked onto me, he dropped his gaze to my jean cut-offs and took his time taking me in. He grinned and his smile momentarily stunned me. There was something about him that seemed different as he stepped closer to me. He was more confident, more in control of his next step. The song kicked up another notch and Beck’s eyes flitted to the speakers resting on my hood. John Denver was in the middle of singing about saying goodbye.

“
Are you about to leave without me?” he asked, turning back to me with a sexy half-smile.

I wouldn’t make it two miles without him in the Camper with me. “No. I just think we started our last road trip off on the wrong foot,” I shrugged, and crossed my arms to wait for his next move.

“
So now you respect the power of John Denver?” he asked, stepping another inch toward me. I caught a whiff of his shampoo. He must have showered right before going to bed. I stared hard at his white t-shirt, willing him to close the remaining gap between us.

“
Maybe I do…”

I caught a glimpse of his smirk before he enveloped me in his arms and picked me up. We were standing in the parking lot of his apartment complex with his hands wrapped tightly around my waist. My hands clasped around his neck and my feet hung a foot above the ground.

“
Hi,” I said, looking into his eyes and trying hard not to smile like a buffoon.

“
When do we leave?” he asked. He was fighting a smile as well and I thought it was so silly that we were attempting to play our attraction off as anything less than clothes-tearing, soul-stealing, gut-wrenching madness.

“
Right now.”

“
Now?” he asked, quirking his eyebrows.

“
Well, after you pack and go pee,” I smirked.

“
Ohh, are you not going to make any stops for me?”

“
Depends on how good you are at begging…” My cheeks flushed after those words slipped out. I was
not
a flirt, and the fact that my brain seemed to momentarily forget that had my cheeks burning bright red. “Um, you’re still holding me, you know,” I muttered quickly, trying to change the subject.