Within These Walls (33 page)

“I had everything to do with this,” I replied, pulling away from her. “I’m the reason you didn’t get that first transplant, Lailah. I’m the reason you’re still here, waiting for one.”

Her head turned to the side. “I don’t understand.”

“Megan,” I answered. “Megan was supposed to be your heart. You said it happened three years ago on Memorial Day weekend. That was when the accident happened. Megan’s parents wanted to donate her organs—or the ones that weren’t damaged. She was severely brain damaged, but her heart was in perfect condition.”

“No, it’s not possible,” she said, her voice distant.

“Yes, it is. They knew she was gone, but I didn’t. I begged and pleaded with them to reconsider. I told them they were killing her. I said I could bring her back. I did everything I could to change their minds. It worked, Lailah. I’m the reason you didn’t get that transplant.”

I didn’t know how long she sat there, staring at the stitching of the comforter, as I waited for her to say something, anything.

“Please, Lailah, yell at me, scream at me, tell me to get the hell out. Do something, anything but give me silence,” I begged.

Her eyes met mine, and they nearly cut me in two.

“When you came to my room, did you know who I was?”

Falling down on my knees in front of her, I took her hand. “God, no, I had no idea. I didn’t put it all together until later.”

“Was I some sort of project? A way to get rid of your guilt?” she mumbled.

“Jesus, Lailah,” I cursed as my head fell to the mattress. “No…maybe…I don’t know.” I lifted my head. “At first, yes. Maybe I felt responsible and acted out of guilt, trying to make amends for what I’d done…but not anymore,” I said. “Not anymore.”

Her long hair moved back and forth as her head shook against her palms. “I don’t know what to think anymore.”

Crawling up beside her, I took her hands in mine, holding them against my beating chest. “Know that I love you. Know that this is real—what I feel for you. Know that you must fight for it. Fight for us, Lailah. Don’t give up.”

“It’s not giving up to want to spend the rest of my life with you,” she said softly. “Regardless of how we met or what brought us to this moment, I want to spend every minute I’ve been given with you, Jude. That’s not giving up. That’s living.”

“It is giving up when that life is being cut short! Don’t you get it, Lailah? Don’t you see? You’re my fucking life. I might have survived Megan’s death, but if you leave me, it will obliterate me. Life—it doesn’t go on without you.”

Tears poured down her cheeks as she met me halfway. Our kiss became frenzied and lacked any sort of finesse. It was raw and powerful. As our clothes hit the floor and our bodies became one, I looked into her eyes, into her soul, and I begged her to stay with me, begged her not to leave me in ruins.

I didn’t know why I awoke, but a few hours before dawn, I came to with an overwhelming feeling of dread. Looking around the room, I felt around the bed until I found Lailah’s sleeping form. She was lying still, a little too still. Her breaths were shallow and short.

“Lailah,” I said, shaking her.

Her eyes slowly opened, and that was when I began to panic.

“I don’t feel good,” she said, clutching her chest.

“Where’s your oxygen tank?” I asked, jumping out of bed to flip on the overhead light.

Her tank was in the corner, and I quickly set it up, positioning the mask over her head.

“My heartbeat is erratic,” she said through the plastic covering her mouth.

“I’m calling Marcus,” I announced, grabbing my phone from the nightstand.

Five seconds later, she passed out.

“Shit! Lailah!” I yelled, punching 911 into my cell.

I stayed calm and collected, my training kicking in, as I cradled her in my arms. She was thankfully breathing, but it was slight and not nearly enough.

“Come on, angel, stay with me,” I pleaded before kissing her pale lips.

I waited for the paramedics to come. Within minutes, the ambulance arrived, and we were being transported to the hospital. I held her hand the entire way as they started her IV and took vitals.

Marcus met us at the entrance of the ER, having rushed in after my panicked call. They let me follow her back into a room, but I was quickly left alone when they wheeled her away for tests.

Hurried footsteps came toward the door, and I looked up to see Molly standing there, breathless.

“Where is she?”

“They just took her back for some tests.”

She nodded, stepping forward to take the empty seat next to me. I was honestly surprised that I wasn’t being bitched out. I fully expected to be blamed for this entire event. Looking back on the evening, I worried I might have pushed her too much—dinner and shopping, the lack of sleep, all combined with the way we’d torn into each other just hours earlier.

“What happened?” Molly asked quietly.

“I woke up, and I just felt petrified. I looked over and heard her shallow breathing. I woke her up, and as I was calling Marcus, she passed out.”

She shook her head and dropped it into her hands. “It’s my fault, telling her about the transplant. It was too much stress. I never should have told her.”

“No, she deserved to know.”

“It’s just so hard not to protect her from everything,” she said softly.

“I know,” I answered.

We sat there in silence, waiting for her to return. The cheap plastic clock slowly ticked by the seconds on the wall, reminding us exactly where we were and why we were here.

“I wanted to hate you,” Molly said suddenly.

I turned to her and watched her brows furrow together.

“When you first showed up, so young and slick-looking, I thought you would break her heart. No one could possibly understand the cost of loving a girl like Lailah. Yet, you stayed, and I realized something yesterday. You just want the same exact thing I do.”

“And what is that?” I asked.

“To keep her here, no matter the cost.”

I placed my hand on hers. “We’re not going to lose her. No matter what, I promise you that.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but the door swished open, and a woman appeared, wheeling Lailah behind her.

“Hey,” she said weakly.

That one word was like a precious blessing from heaven.

She was awake.

“Hey back,” I answered, rising from my chair to take her hand. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. Been better, but I’ve been a ton worse, too. Marcus said I probably just overdid it—maybe a bit too much salt for dinner and lack of sleep—but he’s running some tests just in case.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I shook my head. “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. We should have stayed in.”

“We’re not playing the blame game, Jude. This is how it goes with me. Sometimes, I have bad days, and yesterday was just one of those. It’s going to happen more often since…”

My head jerked up as my eyes widened.

She couldn’t possibly still be considering it—not after last night, not after I’d spilled my soul. Looking over at Molly, she glanced at Lailah and then to me. Her head tilted to the side as she tried to figure out what was going on.

“Jude, could you give my mother and me a minute?” she asked.

My gaze wandered back and forth between her and Molly, I finally settled back on Lailah and gave her one final silent plea.
Please don’t do this
, I begged with my eyes.

I drifted out of the room in a daze and walked to the other side of the hallway where I let my body slide down the wall until I hit the floor. Staring at the closed door, I waited, wondering what she was saying, what she had decided.

Three minutes later, I had my answer.

Loud wailing sobs echoed through the hallway as Molly had been delivered the devastating news of Lailah’s decision to forgo any further attempts at an appeal.

Sitting on the floor in a lonely hospital hallway with my back pressed against the wall, I felt my life ending—for a second time.

Irony is a bitch.

She can’t do this. Screw her and her sense of independence. I made a promise to keep her alive, no matter the cost.

No matter the cost.

Jumping up, I reached into my side pocket. Pulling out my cell, I dialed the one number I never thought I’d need again.

It rang three times before the bastard picked up.

“Hello?” the familiar deep voice answered.

“Roman, it’s me.”

“Jude?”

“The prodigal son returns,” I replied through clenched teeth.

“Does this phone call mean you’re ready to come crawling back?”

I could hear the sneer crystal clear over the airwaves.

“I’ve seen the news, jackass. Don’t act like you don’t need me.”

“Listen, little brother, you left us high and dry. Dad’s mind has gone to shit in the last two years—early onset dementia. The board members are calling for my head, so please excuse me for not groveling at your fucking feet.”

“Dad is sick?” I said.

“Yeah, asshole. You would know this if you bothered checking on your family.”

“Why isn’t it in the news?” I asked.

“Because I’ve kept it out of the news,” he spit.

Of course he did.

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t call and check on things. I was fucked-up, but I’m ready to come back.”

“Don’t do us any favors, Jude. I don’t need a visit. I need someone who is willing to go the distance. If you’ve seen the news, you’ve only seen half of it.”

I took a deep breath. “I’ll come back—for good. But I have stipulations.”

“I’m listening,” he answered.

“We’re going to run things my way this time. What I say goes. Do you understand?”

“If you can save this company and keep everyone employed, I’ll fucking make your coffee in the morning, brother.”

His concern for the employees surprised me. Maybe my brother had actually grown since I left.

“And I want access to all my accounts—immediately. No questions asked,” I said.

“Done.”

“Good,” I breathed out in relief as I braced myself against the wall currently holding me up. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

“You’re making the right decision, Jude,” he said.

I hit End, severing the call before I had the chance to change my mind.

There was no right or wrong decision here. Either way, I was fucked.

Lailah would live. I’d just guaranteed that.

I just wouldn’t be here to see it.

“She can’t know,” I pressed as Marcus and I sat in the dark cafeteria.

“All this time,” he said, looking at me in a completely different way. “I should have known. You never belonged here.”

“I was exactly where I was supposed to be,” I answered.

He nodded, pain etching his tired features. “She’ll never believe it. The insurance company would never grant an appeal, not now. She knows that. Why do you think she’s given up?”

“Make her believe it, Marcus. I don’t care what you do. Lie, call it an act of God, say you called in a personal favor. I don’t give a flying fuck. Make her believe the impossible happened. And Molly—”

“I’ll take care of Molly,” he said. “She’s stubborn as a mule, but when it comes down to it, she’ll do what it takes to save her daughter.”

He placed his coffee on the table and looked up at me. “Why don’t you just tell her?”

“She’d never let me go through with it. I saw the conviction in her eyes last night, Marcus. She’s made peace with it and accepted her fate. I can’t allow that.”

“What if you destroy her in the process?”

“You and Molly will be here to pick up the pieces,” I choked out. “And she’ll be alive.”

“You know we can’t stop her from going after you once she’s recovered.”

I shook my head, my stomach churning in disgust. “You won’t need to. After tomorrow, she won’t want to see me ever again.”

TELLING MY MOM had been harder than I thought.

Seeing her break down in front of me, knowing I’d caused it, had nearly torn me in half. I’d been her world for as long as she could remember.

Keeping me alive had become her life.

And I’d basically just thrown that in her face and said,
No, thanks
.

I knew they all thought I was giving up, and in a way, I guessed I was.

But it was my choice.

Mine.

I was done being coddled and given half-truths. I was a grown woman, and it was time I started acting like one. If I had only a limited time left on this earth, I would choose how to spend it.

Me.

Not anyone else.

In the short time I’d known Jude, he’d given me a taste of what life could be like if things had been different, if I had been born normal. It was bittersweet, knowing what kind of life we could have had, and my soul ached, knowing it was something we’d never have. But growing up abnormal, apart from society, I knew I had to be thankful for the time I had been given.

And I wanted to spend that remaining time with Jude, not fighting for something that was never meant to be.

A knock on the door pulled my attention upward, and I watched as Jude walked in, reminding me of all the times he’d done so in the past. I had been moved upstairs, back into the cardiology unit, and even though I was in a different room than I had been previously, it still brought back fond memories to see him enter.