Without a Doubt (17 page)

WHEN I WOKE up and realized Emerson wasn't in bed, I didn't think much of it. I nearly fell back asleep. But then, he didn't come back and twenty minutes had passed. I got out of bed, only to find him talking softly on the phone, saying, “I miss you.” Then he said her name. Everything I've been fearing reared its ugly head. I'm confused, hurt, and hoping like hell I didn't catch the tail end of a reunion. While I knew it was a risk, I was really hoping I'd never have to face it.

The emotions on Emerson's face don't give me any hope. He looks so
guilty
. I can barely stand it, and my heart already hurts, the ache spreading in my chest painfully. I take a quick breath and push it aside for the moment.

“What are you doing?” I ask warily, eyeing the phone in his hand.

“Come here. There's something I need to tell you.”

Oh, God. This is it. He's about to break my heart. My feet seemingly move on their own accord. I go to sit next to him, but he pulls me to straddle his lap, confusing me even more.

“I want to be able to look directly at you and to touch you,” he explains. Emerson rests his hands on my hips, flexing his fingers as if to make sure I'm here. I expect him to ask me what all I heard. I expect him to apologize and break up with me immediately. Emerson does neither. “Do you remember how I said things didn't exactly end well between Kelly and me?”

“Yes. Are y'all trying to change that and fix things?” I don't think I can wait for him to explain without him first answering that question.

Emerson shakes his head. “Let me start at the beginning, okay?” His eyes search mine and I can see how desperately he wants me to listen. I nod. He takes a deep breath before beginning his story. “We were inseparable since we met in kindergarten. She was my best friend, always was. She was the person I went to before anyone else. We started dating when we were in high school.”

Even though he's looking at me, he seems far away. “She was my everything. I loved her,” he says simply. “God, I loved her so much. I just knew she was it for me, that we would spend our lives together. You couldn't have told me otherwise. Back then, my life, past, present, and future, revolved around Kelly. We were going to different colleges, but we planned our future together. Nothing was going to hold us back or keep us apart.

“And then, something changed a month before I was supposed to leave for college. Looking back, I can see it better now than I could then. During our last week together, she came to me and asked for a two-year long break. Kelly thought it would be good for us. We could see who we were without the other because we had been with each other for so long. We could grow up some more. She wanted us to see other people.

“We argued about it for days. I didn't want to do it. I didn't understand why, and I didn't see the point. But she wore me down, reminding me of how I always said I would do anything for her, and I agreed.”

Emerson seems to snap back to the present as he gently squeezes my hips. “For my first semester, I tried to talk to her. I tried to see her when I went home, but Kelly avoided me at all costs. My second semester, I decided I needed to do everything I told her I would. I started seeing other people and stopped trying to contact her. It was hard to do without it feeling wrong or without feeling guilty. It didn't matter that she'd told me to. It felt like I was cheating on her.

“Slowly, it got easier, but I was always biding my time until the two years was up. The end goal never changed. Then, I met you and started seeing you. I started thinking that maybe her break was really a break up. I've thought about telling you, but I didn't know how or what exactly I would say to you. Being with you,” Emerson shakes his head as if it's indescribable. “You make me happy, something no one has done for me since Kelly. I was finally moving forward and then she called me the other week.”

I gasp. I can't help it. This isn't the first phone call? My heart sinks some more. So, is he just telling me because I overheard? Did Glen know?

“I didn't talk to her but for a minute or two. You were having a bad day—”

“I was here?” I interrupt, my voice betraying me by raising an octave. My gut churns. I don't like where this is going. I had sex with him soon after that. Glen must not have known because he said he didn't know of anything new. Would I have still slept with him had I known she called him a few days earlier?

Emerson's eyes are sad as he nods. “You were in the shower. I got off the phone before you walked into the kitchen. She said she missed me and wanted to see how I was. I told her if she wanted to talk, she could call me back. She didn't until tonight.”

He stops to let that sink in. My mind has so many questions. His sigh that night, was it because he was thinking of her? I asked if everything was okay and he said yes. “You were thinking about her while we were lying on the couch, weren't you? That's why you sighed?”

Emerson nods. “I stopped after you asked if everything was okay. Remember when you said you thought how it ended with Kelly bothered me and I said it sometimes did? This is why. She left things so open ended.”

Why can't
he
just officially break things off with
her
? Why does she have all the power? I don't get to ask before Emerson continues.

“The only reason I didn't tell you sooner was because she didn't call back and there really wasn't anything to tell. We were friends first, so I thought maybe that's what it was, a friendly call. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I told her yes. We're not talking about getting back together, Eva. We caught up like old friends.”

I look at him, unsure about how I feel. He's finally talking to me about her and I'm wishing he hadn't. Stupid, I know. It's good he is, but it's doing nothing for my worries. Why is she suddenly talking to him now? She must want him back. They may not have talked about it this time, but that could be because he told her about me. What if she doesn't want to wait until their two years is up and she wants him now?

“Say something,” Emerson pleads, his eyes seeking answers in my own.

“Why didn't you call her back?” It's the first thing I can think of to say.

His fingers dig into my hips. “I wasn't going to call her back because I'm with you and it wouldn't have felt right. She hasn't tried to talk to me until now and the ball was in her court if she wanted to talk to me.”

It's like with every good thing he tells me, there's something following to counteract it.

“Do you want her?” I whisper, terrified of his answer.

My question hangs in the air between us. Every second he doesn't answer, invisible ropes tighten around my heart in distress.

“What I felt toward Kelly used to be so straightforward. The more time we spend apart, the more time I spend with you, the more confused I am. There's so much wrapped up in her and what we were. I don't want to hide anything from you, even a catching up kind of phone call. The only thing I know with certainty is that I want you.”

He watches me for a long time as I sort out my thoughts. I've learned a little more about Emerson tonight. Most importantly, I've learned where he stands. At least, he appears to be standing on the side where Kelly is his past. What's a phone call or two to catch up? He's not running back to her, which calms my nerves. I'm not completely satisfied though.

“What did she say when you told her you were seeing me?”

“'Oh.' That's all. I think she was really surprised. She didn't ask anything else and I didn't offer to share.”

“What if she's calling because she wants you back?”

“She didn't say she did,” he points out.

“Would you had she told you she was seeing someone? If the situation was reversed?” His mouth opens, but I get one more question out. “I want to know what will happen if she calls again and says she wants to get back together. Are we pointless because you two getting back together is inevitable?” There. I asked the only question that truly matters.

Emerson doesn't say anything right away. He takes his time as he gathers his thoughts. “We aren't pointless, Eva. She could call back right now, tell me she wanted to get back together, and I would tell her I'm sorry, but I can't. Do I want to talk to her and maybe figure out what she was thinking in the first place? Yeah. Do I want to let you go? No, I do not.” His words seem so final and sure.

“Okay,” I finally say. “Thank you for telling me, Emerson.”

His eyes widen with shock. “Okay? That's it?”

“Yes, that's it. Plus, it's late. If I want to talk about anything else, I'll bring it up again. Can we go back to bed now?”

Emerson seems disbelieving. “You don't want to walk away?”

Then, as his fingers tighten on my hips, his jaw locks, and with his eyes focused on me, I see his fear. My heart does funny things as I realize he's truly afraid to lose me. Slowly, I shake my head. A puff of air leaves his chest in relief. He cups my face, bringing it to his so he can kiss me. It's not a hot, desire-filled kiss like he gave me earlier. It's not a simple, sweet kiss either. With every brush of his lips, he's emitting his gratefulness and his happiness.

Breaking the kiss, I say, “Let's go to bed. One of us needs the beauty sleep, remember?”

Emerson laughs and carries me back to bed. His situation with Kelly is complicated at best. Emerson says he wants to be with me. I want to believe him wholeheartedly, but their history scares me. For now, all I can do is trust Emerson, trust in what we have and may have down the road. And I do.

He covers us up with our individual comforters, but pulls me against him. I smile. Emerson doesn't want me out of reach.

“Morning, sunshine,” Emerson whispers in my ear.

“You're still not funny,” I mumble, wiggling closer to him.

“What do you mean?” He sounds so innocent.

“Calling me sunshine when I'm anything but that in the morning.”

He kisses my temple with a chuckle. “It's all in the perspective, and in mine, you're sunshine in the morning.”

I melt against him like ice cream on a summer day. “Well, I can't argue with that.” Everything that happened last night slams into me all over again. I've never thought of myself as insecure, but then again, I've never really been put in a position like this. I push those thoughts away and lean back, blinking sleepily at Emerson. “Do I look like I got enough beauty sleep? Say no so I can go back to sleep.”

He squints his eyes as he inspects me. “I don't think you got enough,” he says seriously.

“What? You can't really tell me that!”

Emerson laughs. “I see it's too early for jokes still.”

I narrow my eyes. “The funny adjective is mine, remember?”

“I remember. Take advantage of me being comfy for a few more minutes, then we have to get up.” He tugs me back against him and holds me until my grouchiness is gone.

Our morning is like any other I've stayed over. We have breakfast, we get ready for the day, and then we go our separate ways to school. Catherine and I have a class together, so I meet up with her outside our classroom a little earlier than usual.

“Pretty soon he's going to ask you to move in,” Catherine says when I walk up to her.

I laugh. “He is not. I do have other news though.”

“Oh, what juicy details do you have for me?” Catherine perks up as we walk over to the vending machine for something to drink.

“He told me about Kelly. She's apparently called him twice within the last two weeks, one of those being in the middle of the night last night.” Her eyes widen as she glances at me before feeding a dollar into the machine. “He told me the entire story, what they talked about, and he let me ask any questions I wanted.”

“And? What now?” Catherine steps aside for me to get a drink.

“I don't know really. He says if she called and asked to get back together, which she didn't do, he would tell her he didn't want to. He said he doesn't want to let me go.” I crack open my Gatorade and wait to see what she thinks.

“So, what happens if she calls again? Is he going to talk to her? Are you comfortable with that?”

I shift my weight from foot to foot as I take a sip of my red drink. “She knows he's seeing someone, so I don't know if she'll call again if her end game is getting back together with him.” I sigh. “I think he'll talk to her because he wants closure for how their relationship ended. She didn't give him that when she asked for this stupid break.” A stupid break I'm thankful for because it led him to me. “And of course I'm not comfortable with it, but I won't ask him to not talk to her. I trust him to be honest with me. The person I don't think I trust anymore is Glen.”