Worlds Apart (10 page)

We got it.

I forgot about the cold, then wriggled my toes but couldn’t feel them. A part of me wanted to get moving to warm up, but another wanted him to carry on talking to delay the physical training.

Wright glanced at his watch. ‘OK, ladies, tonight we’ll just do a warm up. Let’s go.’

He ran out of the barracks’ gates and the girls filed out after him. I was the last one out. The heavens suddenly opened and it poured down. I blinked the rain out of my eyes and ran after everyone onto the King’s Road. Wright was at the front setting the pace.

I was second to last running up to Sloane Square station when the girl behind me whizzed past, saying something under her breath about getting a move on. I recognised her from earlier in the changing room, where she had kept staring at me. She had long frizzy hair tied back and looked like her face would crack if she smiled.

My breathing got heavier. I thought I was a good runner; I did OK on a treadmill, but running on hard ground with these girls… I was gasping for air, we’d only been going a few minutes but it felt like ages. The girls were now way ahead, becoming dots in the distance.

The rain was coming down in buckets, making it difficult to dodge the people on the narrow pavement. I weaved between lampposts and parking meters, squinting through my screwed up eyes and trying not to lose sight of them.

Jesus! When do we stop?

Through the black puddles I splashed. My T-shirt was drenched and heavy around the chest, and the
beginning of a stitch in my side was excruciating. I wanted to stop but instead pressed a finger down on the side of my waist.

‘Widen your strides.’ Taylor was suddenly behind me, breathing down my neck loudly.

Out of fear I stretched my legs, taking deep breaths to keep the stitch away. But it wasn’t working. The girls ducked into a subway that looked miles away and disappeared. Taylor didn’t leave my tail and I knew he wouldn’t until I caught up with the rest of them. A few passers-by beneath brollies flitted eyes between me and Taylor, trying to figure it out. I crossed the junction of Brompton Road with Knightsbridge and finally joined the group inside Hyde Park. It was pitch black and deserted. The girls were on the ground doing press-ups.

I tried to calm my breath down and wiped my runny nose with the back of my hand before getting down and joining them. But then they all got up, throwing dirty looks my way. It suddenly dawned on me that Wright had them doing press-ups while waiting for me. I felt terrible putting this burden on them, and worried it would happen each time I was last in.

Wright called us over to where he stood at the edge of a steep bank. ‘Two groups, single file.’

I watched the girls quickly form two lines and I followed, shuffling fourth into one of them.

I couldn’t think straight or hear what he was saying with all the heavy breathing going on around me, and the rain bashing on my forehead was giving me a headache. I glanced at my watch, hoping the hand had moved on to the next number.

‘Go!’ Taylor screamed at the first two girls, who jolted into action and sprinted up the bank.

They were powerful, charging up with wide strides. They sprinted around the two trees conveniently located at the top of the hill and ran back down, arms furiously swinging by their sides.

‘Go!’ Taylor screamed again.

The next two were off before the others got down. I shuffled forward, heart pounding as I watched the first two join the back. Their shocked faces made my stomach churn. I realised how much they had underestimated the short sprint.

‘Go!’ Taylor’s voice rang in my ear.

I sprang forward as fast as I could. My trainers slipped uncontrollably on the muddy bank from the deep footprints left by others. I could feel myself slowing down after the second stride and pressed the palms of my hands down on each thigh to help me up, but the burning sensation in my legs was too much.

‘Ahmed!’ Taylor shouted from behind. ‘What are you doing up there!’

Desperately I tried to catch my breath, closed my eyes and tried not to think of the pain. What were these girls made of? I thought. I pushed my body up, using shorter strides, feeling another stitch coming on as I swung around the tree, where I wanted to collapse in a dizzy spell. Going back down, I suddenly lost control of my feet and fell on my bum. I clutched blades of grass to stop myself slipping as the girls continued running up and dodged around me. I got to the bottom feeling relieved, but also embarrassed, and joined the back of the queue. Within seconds, I was at the front again.

‘Go!’ Taylor was shouting in my ear.

Two strides up, my legs turned to jelly. I couldn’t go on.

‘Don’t stop!’ Taylor shouted after me. ‘You’ve got another eight to go.’

Taylor ended the exercise with a run around the field, leaving me wheezing and wanting to die.

‘Right you lot, in pairs. Now!’

I hobbled over to the group and could feel vomit rising up my chest, which I swallowed back down.

‘You!’ he growled.

My eyes shot open thinking he was talking to me, but it was someone over my shoulder.

‘Had enough? Go on, piss off … waster… The rest of you, on piggy back, now!’

I looked round and watched a girl jog across the field and disappear into the darkness. Before I could figure out which one it was, I felt a crash of weight hit my back. My knees buckled beneath me as I tried to pull the girl’s thighs round my hips, but they were so big I could hardly get my hands round them. Somehow she stayed on, but my lower back took all her weight. I squinted at the blurry bench in the distance, which was our target, and dragged one foot in front of the other.

Taylor’s voice tannoyed behind, hurling a string of abuse as we raced forward.

Focus. Just focus. Come on.

After a few metres, my legs stopped but my body was still moving forward. The girl on my back thumped my shoulders telling me to hurry up. I recognised the voice from the girl who’d whizzed past me earlier and told me to get a move on – Frizzball. My hands desperately grabbed the flesh of her thighs but it was too late, I fell flat on the ground with my face in the mud, my rib cage crushed by her weight. Frizzball, who I later found out was called Adele, suddenly grabbed a fistful of my T-shirt, pulled me up and swung me over her back. Relieved by the rest, I clamped my arms round her neck, my body jiggling furiously as she ran back to the start point, her pace so powerful I thought I was going to slip off.

We made it back, she let go of my legs, and I dropped in a heap on the ground. I checked my watch; only half an hour had passed. Next, we were ordered into press-up position. I stared down at the blackened grass, inches away from my nose, fingertips dug deep into the cold mud. I had never done press-ups with legs straight before, always with bent knees on a mat in the gym.

‘Don’t stop.’ Taylor’s voice was directly above me.

I lugged my body down then back up. One … two – the tips of my trainers were sliding away below – three … four – then my arms began to burn.

I could hear heavy breathing and groaning, not sure if it was me or the girls around – everything blurred into one.

‘Shut it! This is not a maternity ward!’

Up … down … up … down…

‘And keep your arse down.’ Taylor’s foot suddenly pushed down over my buttocks.

I froze.

‘Faster!’ His face slammed down to my level.

My arms jolted into action, sending shooting pains up them. This wasn’t training, I thought, it was torture. A part of me wished I’d left when the other girl had.

We were called to our next exercise. I pushed myself up off the ground and staggered over, stopping at the nearest tree to throw up. My eyes watered and it left a
sour taste in my mouth. Adele pushed past, sending me flying in the wrong direction. I should get to the front, I thought, picking myself up and following her.

Taylor had been watching me like a hawk all evening and I knew he had it in for me. He’d said he would get rid of half of us tonight and I had to be on his list because I kept coming in last.

We stood in a semicircle, some with our heads between our knees trying to recover from the ordeal, others trying to act normal as their expressions told a different story.

Wright looked at us with a bored expression. ‘Listen, ladies, when I tell you to come over, you don’t walk. You won’t get special treatment when you join the lads.’ He pointed across the park at some gates in the distance. ‘Leopard crawl to me.’

I watched him run across the field. I couldn’t figure out what he meant and looked round at Taylor whose eyes were almost popping out of his head.

‘What are you waiting for!?’ He screamed at us. ‘Move it!’

The girls dropped to their knees, then lay flat on the grass and began to slither like lizards. My heart slumped as I joined them.

‘Keep your arse down, Ahmed!’

I dropped my bum as much as possible and dragged
my numb body along the cold, muddy surface. Strands of hair fell over my face out of my ponytail, blinding my vision. I could smell dog poo, and it was strong. I wasn’t sure if it was on me but it was following us and making me heave.

Liz passed my left, her muscular arms and legs gliding skilfully across ground.

‘They call this a warm up!?’ I whispered breathlessly.

She looked round, her face dirty and exhausted. ‘You haven’t seen anything yet.’

‘W
alking to the station?’ Liz held the changing-room door open for me.

I swung my sports bag over one shoulder and followed her out. I didn’t want to walk with her. I needed time on my own. The door slammed close and the noise from the girls inside cut out. My hair was still wet from the cold dribble of a shower, one of my big toes was killing me for some reason and I was walking like a geriatric.

We headed out of the main gates in silence. Usually in these sorts of situations, I would say something to fill the gap but tonight I couldn’t. The last two hours had felt like three days. I overheard one girl talking about
going back to Hyde Park tomorrow to do the same circuit. This place was full of nutters.

‘Good night, ladies.’ The security guide smiled at us both as we passed his Portakabin. I recognised him from earlier. He was the only person who smiled around here.

I wondered about next week and how I would get through another torturous session. Who could I talk to about it? We were ordered not to talk to anyone about this training, but I guessed a few of the girls had told their boyfriends or family. My friends wouldn’t believe me, let alone understand if I told them I’d joined the army and signed up for this training. As for my family, there was enough going on there without this to complicate matters even further.

‘Fancy a drink?’

Liz’s offer took me by surprise. I began thinking up an excuse but it was too late, she was already crossing the road.

I followed behind, dodging the traffic. ‘Are there any coffee shops round here?’

‘Coffee?’ Liz rolled her eyes. ‘You’re really pushing the boat out.’

We headed into Blushes Café opposite the barracks and grabbed a table at the front. I checked my phone; no missed calls from home or from Shazia. I didn’t want to call any of them to apologise. I hadn’t done anything wrong.

The waitress placed a cup of coffee down in front of me and a large glass of red wine for Liz. I gulped the warm liquid, staring across at Liz slowly sipping her wine and looking out of the window, watching the other girls leave the barracks and head up to Sloane Square. I thought about telling her what I’d heard Adele say earlier in the changing rooms when I was coming out of the showers: ‘That Asian is a slacker’, said loud enough for me to hear. But I didn’t want to come across as weak and moany in front of Liz, so decided not to say anything.

‘When will they let us know if we got through?’ I asked.

‘You did,’ she assured me, ‘and whoever else decides to turn up next week. Female selection is voluntary withdrawal, which is harder than being kicked out.’

I thought about it for a moment and realised she was right. I remember an incident when I was about ten when Dad challenged me to carry a sack of rice upstairs for fifty pence. After the second stair, my body couldn’t take it but I kept going for an hour. Not for the money but because I didn’t want to be seen as a failure by anyone, most of all myself.

The waitress came over with another glass of red and swapped it for Liz’s empty one. ‘What do your parents think of you joining the army?’ Liz asked, holding my gaze.

I looked away, wishing I’d gone home now. I knew this would come up because my surname was Muslim. What was I meant to say? They don’t know and I never intend telling them? I didn’t want to get into a full-blown debate about religion, women and culture. I was sick of having to justify what I did in life because of the family I was born into. Why couldn’t people take me at face value? Why did everyone seem to think there was some big drama attached to anything different that I did? I didn’t want to be a special case with the army and give them an excuse to tell me I was useless.

‘They’re fine about it,’ I lied. ‘I just didn’t say which unit I was in.’

Liz went on to ask a ton of questions; where my family lived, what my parents do, whether any of my siblings were in the army.

She was sizing me up, I concluded. I wasn’t a ranking officer, had no military experience and didn’t speak with a posh accent. The only thing I could do was to glamorise my dad’s time in the British Indian Army by describing him as an officer, although I had no idea if this was true. I quickly changed the subject by asking if she was joining the others at Hyde Park.

‘I’ve got to work,’ she replied looking around the room. ‘But you should go.’

She was right, I had to get fitter – much fitter – but I
wasn’t going to gatecrash the girls’ club. I had to devise my own training regime.

The evening ended with Liz giving me a rundown of the unit and what she knew about female selection. The colonel heading the training turned out to be the man I’d met at my interview. I suddenly realised how lucky I was to be a part of all this. Everything I’d achieved over the years wouldn’t come close to this if I got through. It was the chance of a lifetime and I had already decided I would be going back next week.