Worth It (36 page)

Gah!
I’m thinking too deeply again. I need to stay in the here and now.

Today is Saturday, and I’ve taken the day off from work. My Teacher’s Test was this morning, and I’m positive I nailed it. I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone, but shit, it feels good when I do something well. It’s like I did something right for a change. Jed and I just left the hotel where the rehearsal was, and he’s driving us to the rehearsal dinner at his friend’s place. At the hotel, where the ceremony will take place, I didn’t need to speak with anyone as I stood off to the side, but now my palms are starting to sweat because I’ll have to be social at the dinner.

I get so scared that people won’t like me that I become socially awkward. There’s a reason I have a small group of friends, and I never really expanded on it. If I’m lucky, I can get past my discomfort enough to have a conversation, but it doesn’t usually go further than that. It’s very difficult to let people in. Sometimes, I’m floored at how fast Jed snuck into my heart. I glance over at him while he’s driving, and I admire his masculine profile. He must feel me watching because he peeks at me, and he smiles before returning his eyes to the road.

I take a deep breath and let it out. He makes me happy, and I feel cared for, maybe even loved. I think I love him. The only reason that I say
I think
is because we haven’t been together that long.
It’s been five or six weeks. Surely, I can’t love someone in that amount of time. But don’t they say when I find it, I’ll know it?

As I dwell on it, my heart pounds, and my palms sweat. Jed looks at me curiously, but I just smile back. I decide to take the plunge and acknowledge reality. I love him. Deep inside me, I know it’s the truth, so I grasp on to it firmly. I fucking love him. I think I really have
finally
found my happily ever after.

A nagging voice in my head is telling me that I’m being stupid.
How can I trust someone so fast and so easily? Haven’t I been burned enough to learn that lesson?

I tell that nagging bitch to shut the hell up and let me be happy for a change.

We’ve been at Mark and Maggie’s for about two hours, and I’ve been stuck to Jed like glue, at least at first. I am surprised at how well I get along with everyone, especially Maggie. She is so freaking sweet and genuine that I find myself drawn to her in a very non-lesbian way. She’s funny and warm, and I think that I might just be able to open up my friendship circle a little wider to accommodate her.

When I ask her about her wedding, we sneak off into her office. She shows me her wedding dress, and I totally gush over it. It’s, like, totally amazing. I know I sound like a valley girl, but Maggie’s enthusiasm is contagious. The dress is stunning and will complement her trim figure perfectly.

After the dress, we talk a little bit. She tells me that she’s known Jed for almost five years since she started dating his roommate, her current fiancé, their freshman year of college. She goes on to sing Jed’s praises, saying what a great guy he is, and then she tells me that she’s so glad he found me because we seem perfect for each other. I can’t contain the face-splitting smile at hearing her say that we’re great together.

I’m really starting to believe that fate had a hand in all this awesomeness that is my relationship with Jed. If I had never moved in with Sam, I wouldn’t have been late, then fired, and then forced to find a new job. I never would have met Jed. In truth, if I hadn’t been with shitbags, would I truly appreciate how great Jed is? I mean, anyone can see with her own eyes how delicious he is on the outside with his strong, trim, lickable muscles, chiseled manly face, and a smile that would melt the panties off a nun.
Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yes.
I might not fully appreciate what’s on the inside—a truly caring, affectionate, giving, understanding, protective, masculine man. The man I love.

Maggie and I talk a little more about ourselves. It’s mostly superficial stuff, like our jobs, my major, some music we like, and movies, which leads to quotes. For the first time in a long time, I find myself really laughing with another woman besides Shannon or my siblings. A half an hour later, we head back to the party. I’ve stolen her time long enough, and it is her party after all.

“Hey, do you mind if I use the bathroom before I head back out?” I ask her once we leave her office.

“Sure. It’s around the corner, the second door on your left.”

“Thanks.”

I find the bathroom easily, do my business, and wash my hands. When I open the door, I walk right into someone, and I glance up to see a very pretty leggy blonde who I haven’t met yet.

“Oh hey. Sorry,” I apologize.

“No problem. I don’t think I’ve met you before. I’m Jed’s girlfriend, Danielle.” She stretches her hand to shake mine.

My world stops.

I must have heard her wrong. She must mean girl friend as in a female buddy from college.

Yes, that’s right. She couldn’t have meant
girlfriend
. Right?

When I don’t immediately take her hand, she must notice my stunned expression, and her face falls. “Oh my God. Are you Anna?”

My head jerks up and down in a
yes
motion, but I remain mute because shock has rendered me speechless.

“Oh, sweetie, I can’t believe he brought you here. He said that he was going to break things off soon.” She frowns sympathetically.

I’m not hearing her right. I can’t be.
I can’t breathe, and my heart is beating furiously. Panic makes my palms start to sweat, and I feel the telltale tickle in my nose, signaling the onslaught of tears.

I clear my throat in order to keep my tears at bay, and I shake my head, still unable to speak.

“Yeah, sorry, hon. I’m so sorry you found out this way, but we got back together last Friday when we were all here together.”

Last Friday? The fucking night after I bared my secret to him? After I let him into a place I’ve never let anyone? I trusted him enough that I revealed that painful part of me, and he does this? When he was supposed to be here with his guy friends? Son of a bitch!

Betrayal sears through me setting my heart on fire.
Why would he do this? Was he really disgusted with me and didn’t want to hurt my feelings? So, he lied and went off to find someone more mentally stable right away?
I’m breathing faster, and I’m getting light-headed. I think I might be hyperventilating. The duplicity and rejection are eating at my gut, and I think I’m having a panic attack.

“Yeah, see, here’s a picture of us in bed together after we…you know.” She holds out her phone.

I don’t want to see that shit, but morbid curiosity wins. I can’t stop myself from leaning over and looking at a selfie of Jed lying on his back with his arm slung over his eyes and this fucking supermodel in front of me sprawled across his chest, wearing something skimpy, as she’s smiling big at the camera.

Any shred of doubt I had vanishes with that picture. I think part of me held out hope that she was lying, but they’re very obviously snuggled up, nice and cozy. I can’t breathe. My pulse thuds in my ears, and my hand start shaking.

He cheated on me.

He definitely cheated on me.

He definitely fucking cheated on me.

That motherfucker!

And I fell for it.

Goddamn it.

Part of me wants to tear this bitch’s face off, but really, she didn’t cheat on me. She didn’t hold my heart and then shove her dick into someone else. I don’t want to cause a scene and draw attention to myself. I don’t want everyone here to know that I’ve been played and I’m not good enough. So, with the whole shitload of practice that I’ve had, I’m able to shove this
whole
fucking situation into a box. I just need to make it until the end of the night, and then I can walk away and try to find a way to heal.

I knew this shit was too good to be true.

Something inside me snaps, and the anger builds that wall back up, a fucking concrete and steel castle wall with a blazing hot lava moat around it.

I am never, never doing this again. I can’t fucking believe this shit.

See what happens when you hope, Anna? See what happens when you hope for something, and then foolishly believe you’re finally worthy of receiving what you wished for? You get beat, kicked, run over, and stuck in meat grinder.

Lesson officially fucking learned.

I give her a jerky nod and brush past her. I’m unable to say anything for fear that I’ll bust her pretty little face in and get blood all over Maggie’s carpet—or I might burst into uncontrollable sobs. She calls out an apology as I make my way down the hall, but I don’t bother to reply.

What the hell would I say? No problem?

I scurry the end of the hall and tuck into a corner, so I can compose myself. I do not want anyone to see me struggle not to crack. I don’t need any more embarrassment.

I wonder when he planned on ending it. When we got back and he could fuck me one more time?

God-fucking-damn it!

You know what? Fuck this shit. My trampled, bloody, black-and-blue heart can’t take this shit anymore. I want to walk right up to Jed, tear his fucking head off, and shove it up his ass.

How dare he make me trust him.

Fuck!

I try
really
hard to suppress the anger while also blocking the tears. I will not cry over this lying asshole. I won’t. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.

It takes me another minute or two before I feel collected enough to return to the party. I try to avoid Jed, and I saddle up next to Maggie. I do my best to smile and nod at the conversation, but I have no idea what they’re saying. For all I know, they could be talking about rainbow-colored unicorns farting glitter.

“Are you okay?” Maggie asks quietly.

I plaster a smile so fake that I’m sure I look crazy, and I just nod. She narrows her eyes at me, but then her eyes widen when she glances over my shoulder.

“Oh crap. Excuse me, Anna.” She walks over to whatever is behind me.

I turn around, and I clench my jaw when I see Danielle smiling up at a scowling Jed. I wonder if she told him that he was outed. He’s whispering harshly at her, and I watch as Maggie walks up to them. Then, they are all speaking in hushed tones. He glances over at me with a hard jaw, and he looks pissed.

Pissed? Fuck you, asshole.

I walk over to the coat closet and grab my jacket and purse. I walk—well, I storm outside to his truck. It’s childish, I know, but I’m not going to stand there and be betrayed and humiliated any more. The truck is locked, so I just wait in the cold for Jed to come out. I might be out here for a while. He might want to get in a quickie with that bitch before he takes me home. Actually, I don’t even know if he’s going to take me home. No, I think he’ll at least do that much. What the fuck do I know though? I thought I knew him, I thought I loved him, but for all I know, he’s an alien from Mars.

I lean my head against the window of his truck and bang on it lightly. With my arms crossed over my chest, I clench my teeth together so hard that my jaw aches.

How does this keep happening? How?
This one might hurt the most because I didn’t even see it coming, not even a little. I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched by a Mack truck.

“Hey, you okay?” Jed asks softly as he wraps his arms around me.

I sidestep him, still keeping my back to him. He must be out of his ever-lovin’ mind if he thinks he can touch me when he knows full well he’s been outed. But I guess it’s possible he doesn’t know. I don’t care. I just need to get home before I break down.

“Can you take me back to my car?” I say coolly.

He doesn’t say anything for a second, but then he finally says, “Sure.”

He unlocks the door and holds it open for me. I want to roll my eyes, but I refrain as I climb into the car. As mad as he got about my other asshole exes, at least they didn’t really pretend to be sweet.

He climbs in the car and starts it to get the heater going, but he doesn’t put it in gear.

In my peripheral vision, I see him turn to me. I swear to God, he better not say anything right now. I don’t think I can hold back if he does. I don’t know if it’ll be tears or anger that comes out, but either way, it’s not going to be pretty.

“Did Danielle say anything to you?” he prods softly.

I swallow hard, trying desperately to hold on to that last thread. “Can you just please take me back, Jed?” I say as evenly as I can.

“I will, but I need to know what happened in there.”

That’s it!
I turn to him. Anger it is then. “Fine. You want to do this now?” I shout. “Yes, I ran into your
girlfriend
,
and she informed me that you guys were
together
last Friday.”

He flinches at my tone. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve never had a confrontation like this with a boyfriend.

“You don’t really believe that, right? I told you about her and how crazy she is. I’ve told you I would never do that to you. I meant it. I would
never
cheat,” he says as calmly as he can.