Worthy of Redemption (3 page)

She sighed and looked at me with some compassion. “Kyle, I know how hard it was.”

“Do you really?” I asked darkly and set my fork down.

“Yes, I do. I know it seems like I don’t know you, but…” she bit her lip and shook her head. “Never mind. I get it though. So that’s all that really matters.” She sat back in her seat and pretended to focus on her game again.

“But what?” I pressed. “Finish your thought.”

She looked at me carefully for a few seconds. To my surprise, she began to blush, and when she spoke again, she didn’t meet my eyes. “I know it seems like I don’t know you, but I know you more than you know me. I’ve been watching you since that very first night you came in.”

I watched as she shifted uncomfortably in her chair, and then her words really hit me. I couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth.

“You like me,” I said. “I mean…you have a thing for me?”

“A
thing
?” She rolled her eyes, but still didn’t look at me.

“Oh,” I said stupidly. “You never said anything.”

“And why would I say something?” she asked and finally met my eyes. She gave me a look that told me I should have known better than to say what I said. “You had two serious girlfriends and one of those girlfriends happened to be my boss and
she
had a boyfriend. You’re right. I should have
totally
spoken up.”

She put her phone down and got up from the table. As she walked towards the powder room by the door, she turned and walked backwards and with a smirk said “And because guys like you
totally
dig girls like me.” Before she went into the bathroom I saw her smirk turn into a frown.

I sat there staring at the rest of my potato in a stunned silence.
Lily wasn’t the first woman to be attracted to me, obviously, but at the moment she seemed the most significant. I was sure that I was rarely on my best behavior when I was inside
SHOTZ
. My relationship with Emmy was as volatile as it was passionate. How many times had she witnessed me being a possessive and controlling dick to Emmy? How many times had she witnessed me say distasteful things to Mayson? Probably more times than not. The fact that she
liked
me – or whatever it was – after witnessing me at some of my worst moments was indeed significant, but I didn’t know what to do with the information. I was very much in pain over losing Emmy and as cliché as it may be, I couldn’t imagine ever loving someone else again.

Then there was the obvious, what
Lily herself had pointed out. Guys like me don’t typically ‘dig’ girls like Lily. I was very well aware of my tolerances, good and bad, and I wasn’t sure if I would be the guy that could look past her appearance.

The bathroom door opened and
Lily walked out yawning.

“Are you done?” she asked as she reached in front of me to take my plate.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Take your aspirin and finish your drink,” she said and ca
rried the plate into the kitchen.

“Thanks, Mom,” I said.

“Oh. Was that a joke?” she called.

I swallowed the aspirin with the rest of my drink as she had commanded. I got up and carried the empty bottle to the kitchen where
Lily was washing the plate and fork I had used.

“I
am
capable of humor,” I said.

“I don’t think vomiting on my sneakers and showing me your dick is humo
rous,” she said dryly. Her eyes grew large as did the smile on her face. “Actually, the second part was humorous.”

“Is that some kind of jab at my manhood?” I asked.

She gave a noncommittal shrug as she dried her hands on a dishtowel.

“Wow,” I said as I followed her back into the dining room. “I thought
I
was the asshole.”

“I never claimed I
wasn’t
an asshole,” she said as she plucked her phone off of the table.

I followed her into the living room and said “I don’t think you’re capable of being an as
shole.”

Her smile faded almost completely. “I guess it’s a good thing you really don’t know me,” she said quietly. Before I could comment, she spoke again. “How are you feeling?”

I raked my fingers through my still damp hair. “Physically or emotionally?”

“Well…both really. Emotional pain can be physically painful,” she said and for a few seconds her eyes were focused on some point in her past. “How are your hangover symptoms?”

“I think once I lay down I’ll be fine.”

“Your drug craving?”

She didn’t even blink while asking. It didn’t seem to faze her, which made it easier for me to discuss.

“Not as strong as it was an hour ago,” I said with a sigh. “But it’s still there.”

“It will always be there,” she said softly. “You’ll just have to find ways of pretending it’s not. I’m not even going to ask about the emotional stuff. It’s going to hurt for a very long time.”

“Was that supposed to make me feel better?” I frowned.

“No, but I’m not going to bullshit you about it. I’m not going to tell you that you will feel better after you get some sleep, or that in weeks from now it won’t still be your first thought when you wake or the last thought before you fall asleep.” She looked at the floor between us. I saw her swallow hard before speaking again. “It can be…two years later and you think you’re fine, but you can wake up one morning and boom…there it is again. Feeling just as fresh as it did the day everything fell to shit.”

I’ll never forget that moment. It was the very moment that I really did see through
Lily’s appearance and saw the hurting human woman. I never argued that I was a dick, but I wasn’t heartless. I couldn’t overlook Lily’s pain when we were the only two people in the room having a very candid conversation. Seeing her pain, however magnified my own, and my anger flashed.

“So, you’ve been heartbroken,” I snapped. “Though you won’t say so. But I’m sure that you didn’t beat a helpless pregnant woman while you were fucked up on meth and alcohol. I’m sure that you didn’t break that same woman’s wrist while in a rage because she tried to purge you from her system by trying to fuck another guy. I’m sure you didn’t force that woman into a dy
sfunctional relationship with you out of selfishness, stretching her thin, wearing her down, and fucking her up piece by piece. You’re only brokenhearted, Lily. My heart is
shattered
and on top of that I have to carry the fucking enormous burden of my own guilt and self-hatred!”

She stared up at me with her eyes wide in shock and her mouth hanging open.

“I don’t even know if her baby is okay,” I pushed on, though I shamefully felt my voice trembling. “I could have
killed
him – both of them!”

I was the one who just yelled, but
Lily was breathless when she spoke. “Did…were you on drugs when you broke her wrist?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t excuse it,
Lily,” I growled.

“No,” she agreed in a whisper while shaking her head. “It doesn’t excuse it.” She turned away from me, but not before I saw two tears slip down her cheek.

“Where are my keys?” I demanded.

She turned back to look at me with a startled expression. “Why?”

“Because they are my damn keys and I want them.” I held my hand out. She looked at it like it was diseased.

“I’m not giving you your keys.” She looked at me dubiously.

“This is the last time I’m saying it, Lily. Give me. My fucking. Keys.”

She narrowed her teary eyes. “No.”

I closed the distance between us with two strides. I stood so close to her, I could feel her hurried breathing as her chest rose and fell against mine. She boldly met my eyes and stood stock still as I ran my hands over her generous hips and over the front pockets of her jeans. To be thorough, I pushed my hands into her pockets in search of my keys. Her breath hitched, but she didn’t look away from me. I pulled out what felt like a small wad of cash, probably her tips for the night. I let it fall to the floor and reached back in and pulled out what must have been her license and maybe a credit or debit card. Her other pocket was empty. I slowly moved my hands back over her hips to her ass. As I ran my hands over her back pockets, I boldly squeezed her ass with both hands. She inhaled sharply and I heard her swallow hard, but she still didn’t look away from me. I slid my hands back up her ass and into her pockets, but only produced a pack of gum from one pocket and several small pieces of paper and a few business cards from the other.

I broke eye contact first. I felt her blow out warm air onto my chest in relief, but it was short lived when I held up the papers and business cards.

“Someone is busy collecting numbers during her nights at work,” I said mockingly.

“I’m ‘brokenhearted’. Not celibate,” she bit back.

“Oh, so you’re not looking for romance with any of these men. None of them are me,” I smiled without humor when she winced slightly. “How about a compromise, Lily. You give me my keys and I’ll fuck you.”

Her mouth fell open and she started to pull away, but I snaked my arm around her waist and pulled back to me.

“That’s why you have the numbers isn’t it?” I asked. “Isn’t that what you want? Just sex? Give me my keys, and I’ll prove to you that what you saw earlier wasn’t my best.”

I can’t say that I was very surprised when her hand cracked across my face in an open slap, but I
was
very surprised when she shoved me away just far enough to throw a punch
and
hit her mark. I put my fingers up to my mouth as I glared at her. I was again shocked when I saw that she had drawn blood. A lot of blood. This little Lily did
not
hit like a girl.

She stood a few feet away from me, breathing fire. If I weren’t already full of so many co
nflicting emotions and desires, I would have thought she looked mighty hot right then.

“So, is that a no?” I asked before pulling off my shirt. I held it to my bleeding, split lip.

“Would you like me to repeat myself?” she asked as her fists clenched at her sides.

“I only wanted my damn keys!” I yelled, taking a step towards her.

“You only wanted your damn drugs!” she yelled back.

“You would have gotten something out of it,” I said bitterly.

“Here’s a newsflash, Kyle,” she said putting her hands on her hips. “Just because I admitted that I kind of liked you doesn’t mean that I’m ready to jump into bed with you and your half-mast dick.”

Half-mast!

“I wasn’t aroused!” I yelled.

“Yeah, I get that!” she yelled. “Because I’m not Emmy or Jessyca, or any other woman you’re attracted to. You don’t have to continue to remind me that you find me completely una
ttractive.”

I stared at her like she had just grown a third tit on her forehead. “I never said you weren’t attractive!”

She used her fingers to make air quotes and said “
You’re just a barmaid in a small bar in the suburbs, Lily. Maybe you need a new tattoo or a new piercing, Lily. You’ve never seen a dick that wasn’t pierced, Lily. You’re incapable of finding a guy who will want to fuck you, Lily.
”

“Hey, I didn’t say that last part,” I pointed a finger at her. “And you completely took ever
ything else out of context.”

“How can I take ‘you’re just a barmaid’ out of context, Kyle?” She growled in frustration and pulled on her hair. “You’ve made it pretty clear you find my tattoos and piercings and probably my hair unattractive.”

“I
never
said that, Lily,” I said, already getting tired of the argument.

“No, but you implied it. Thank goodness you didn’t actually
say
it; because that would have hurt a little bit more I’m guessing.”

She kicked off her sneakers, muttering about ‘stupid vom
mity sneakers’ and started to walk away.

“Where are you going?” I asked, unsure if I should follow her or not. I didn’t want to get punched again.

“To find a warm bed!”

“Where are my keys,
Lily?” I asked, with much less urgency than I did earlier. The long ass day seeking Emmy, the drinking, the emotional turmoil, the argument and punch in the kisser suddenly weighed down on me. I didn’t want meth as much as I wanted to just also find a warm bed, but if she gave in and produced my keys, I would probably wake up pretty fast.

“You can’t have them!” she screamed from what sounded like my bedroom.

I sighed heavily before going through the apartment turning off lights. Out of curiosity, I opened the closet next to the bathroom. Lily’s jacket hung there, welcoming me to dig through her pockets.

“They’re not in there!” she called from the bedroom.

Out of spite, I went through her pockets. I found her keys and more numbers.

“How many fucking numbers did you
get?” I yelled.