Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (2 page)

So, in spite of what I wrote a couple of paragraphs back, you have actually made a very wise decision to purchase this book. Aside from the trademark Lennon/Garant wit we’ve seen in movies like Vin Diesel’s
The Pacifier
and the Queen Latifah/Jimmy Fallon vehicle
Taxi,
this is the most practical, no-nonsense, and useful book I’ve ever read on what it really takes to make it as a writer in the movie business.

John Hamburg

New York City

November, 2010

Quit now, or you might just get rich!

So you want to write movies for fun and profit?

By now you’ve noticed that the words “fun and” have been crossed out from the title of this book—and for good reason: this is not some fruity Robert McKee screenwriting guide that’s going to help you “crack” your story—this book is not for “fun.” It is the guide to
writing hit movies that make you and the studio piles of money
. Period. Yes, we know there was a period at the end of the sentence, but we added the word “period” too, to show you how very serious we are, exclamation point.

Now, if you want to write “art-house” films, please put this book down immediately and go gaze longingly out the window. We have no practical information for you on how to write Atom Egoyan films or the kind of films that they show at the Angelika Film Center in Robert
McKee–loving Greenwich Village. We do have an appreciation for art-house films, especially the ones where you see Helen Mirren’s boobs.

This book is not about screenwriting “
theory.
” As Grandpa used to say:
Screenwriting theory and a MetroCard will get you a ride on the subway.
This book is full of the practical information that nobody else can tell you about surviving and conquering the Hollywood studio system. This is information you need to know, and you will find it only here. And in case you don’t believe us, with our screenwriting we’ve made: and counting at the box office.

Yes, three commas mean billion, people. And people often get confused. A billion is ONE THOUSAND MILLION, not one hundred million. Grandpa used to say: “One hundred million dollars and a Metro-Card, and you can buy your own train. Like those two dudes in
Wild Wild West.
”

In this book, you will learn everything you need to know about how to sell and write your own GIANT, FOUR-QUADRANT BLOCK-BUSTER!
(Hell, yes, we put “selling” before “writing.” Any crusty old film school professor can tell you how to write a script—but if they knew how to sell one, they wouldn’t be working at some crappy film school!)

You’ll learn how to pitch, why to write a spec, when to shut up and nod, and what to do with the giant mountains of cash you’re going to earn writing movies in fabulous Hollywood, California!

“How do I get an agent?” “What’s a producer do?” “How do I format my script correctly to turn it in to 20th Century Fox?” “Should I use Windex or soap and water to clean the see-through glass hood on my new Lamborghini?”

You’ll learn all this and more in this easy-to-read guidebook to making millions and millions of dollars the old-fashioned way—writing movies for some giant Hollywood studio! (We even include a few complimentary
samples of movie treatments and outlines—yours free with the purchase of this book!)

So what are you waiting for! Turn the page and dive in—a wonderful world of fun and profit awaits!

R. B. Garant & Thomas Lennon

(Dictated, but not read)

If you don’t sell it, it’s not a screenplay.
It’s a stack of paper for the recycling bin.

As the title of this chapter implies: YES—you need to be in Hollywood, California, if you’re going to make even TINY piles of money writing movies. Once you are rich and established, THEN, and only then—can you move into a fabulous brownstone next to Ethan Hawke in New York’s independent-movie-loving West Village. But until you’re a huge success, you need to be in Los Angeles. Period. Exclamation point.

“Why?” you ask. “I’m a writer, I can write anywhere.” Well, guess what:

If you’re serious about screenwriting, you must be in Los Angeles, California. It is the world headquarters of the movie industry. (Outside of India, which is the REAL world headquarters of the movie industry. They make so many movies it’s ridiculous.)

You need to have access to the studios all the time, and they need to have access to you. You
have
to live in L.A. so that you can go to the
studios and meet face-to-face. At any time. Movies take YEARS to get made—it could take eight to ten YEARS to get a movie going. Stars will get attached, fall out … your star will pick up a “tranny” on Santa Monica Boulevard, go to rehab, punch a cop, impregnate a nanny … or the worst fate imaginable: their level of fame will cool off the tiniest bit.

You NEED TO BE AROUND the people who are making the decisions.

You need to be on their radar.

You need to be in L.A.

You need to be there, doing punch-ups and round tables and sometimes REWRITING ALL OF ACTS I AND III after a horrible table read. (This happens more often than you might imagine.) There’s also almost always a writer or team of writers on call for movies that are in production. You need to prove to the studios that you can be a hero to them by: Coming up with new scenes, dialogue, gags, structure. Being available. And figuring out a way to make their ideas work.

There is, quite simply, ONE THING every studio executive wants.

“TO MAKE SUCCESSFUL FILMS?” you ask.

No. TO NOT GET FIRED, dummy. Successful films are a bonus, but the turnover for executives at the studios is fast, and “not getting fired” is the immediate goal around town. Many executives won’t last the length of a whole movie’s production at a studio. THEY WANT TO STAY AT THEIR JOBS, and you need to help them.

BE THE PERSON WHO HELPS THEM NOT GET FIRED.

That means you
need
to be around.

1. The Right Tools

The industry standard for all scripts is a computer program called Final Draft (
http://www.finaldraft.com
). You must write in this program; there is no other accepted format. It’s also a really great program and phenomenally easy to use. It’s also a little bit expensive, so save your receipt and use the program to GET RICH QUICK. If you already have Final Draft (which,
if you’re holding this book, is quite likely), learn how to properly format your script (See
chapter 6
, “Idiot Check.”). The vast majority of scripts are formatted WRONG.

2. An Agent or Manager

Yes, you need an agent. And to get one these days, you must be creative. Simply sending out your script is perhaps the LEAST likely way to get one. Sending out your script unsolicited is about as appealing to agents as a cold call from a discount butt sandwich company. A method that will have a much higher success rate would be to write a short script, funny, scary, or touching, and SHOOT IT. Get it up on YouTube or FunnyorDie (or the hundred other sites like those). BE CREATIVE. Do a reading, put up your play, enter a screenwriting competition. Try ANYTHING. You will have to. But the absolute fastest way is to HAVE SOMETHING PRODUCED. Something concrete they can point to and say, “There’s talent.” Even if it’s thirty seconds long and only on the internet, a finished product gives you a huge advantage over a script on paper. If you don’t know any actors, take a class at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Los Angeles; you will meet tons of actors. (They have a theater and school in New York, too, but you already know YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN NEW YORK, DUMMY.)

Remember, the movie software that comes FREE on any Mac computer has better editing programs than ever existed for most of the history of the movie industry. If Orson Welles were alive today, he would be thrilled and amazed at the moviemaking power of a flip camera and the simplest laptop computer.
*

So—

Why do you need an agent or manager?

For SEVERAL reasons.

Most studios will not take unsolicited material. They won’t even look at your script unless an agent or manager hands it to them. And it has to be a rep (“representative”—that means agent or manager) whom the studio has done business with in the past. (Your buddy Rick can’t just print up cards that say “Agent Rick” on them and expect to be able to get your script into a studio.) The studios do this to weed out the riffraff.

You need someone to negotiate your deals for you. To negotiate well, your reps need a LOT of information (what deals have been negotiated similar to yours and for how much money, how much cash does the studio have at the time, etc.). They need information, negotiating skills, the charm of a diplomat, nerves of steel, and the balls of a great white shark.
*
The negotiations can get REALLY nasty. (Especially as you get more expensive!) Your reps and the studio will really play hardball as your quote gets higher and higher. You don’t want to be the one negotiating for yourself; you want to be the “good guy.” Let your reps be the pricks.

Some writers not only have an agent and a manager, they also have an ENTERTAINMENT LAWYER. (We have all three. And our lawyer is the scariest one on our team. He’s a nice guy and all … he’s just ready to chew your heart out and spit in back in your face at the drop of a hat.)

An entertainment lawyer? Really?

YES! His job is JUST to negotiate deals. He’s usually the one guy on your negotiating team who doesn’t have a buddy-buddy relationship with the studio. Because he’s NOT the one who’s out there every day, schmoozing and getting jobs for his clients. He’s a lawyer—his job is to be hated/feared. AFTER
your reps
have gotten you in the door and
you’ve
gotten the job, the LAWYER swoops in to help negotiate the deal. He usually gets us 25 percent more cash than we would have gotten without him.

Back to managers and agents:

So they get your script in the door, they negotiate your deal—and …

Good reps have relationships with people at the studios. They’re usually pretty gregarious people. They go to a lot of parties and are friends with people in every area of the business—“talent” and studio execs and producers. They know which exec, at which studio, is buying what kind of scripts at any given time. If you have a spec, they have a good sense of which studio or producer might want it. And they are always sniffing around to find you work and to set you up with people who might hire you.