Written in the Stars (34 page)

‘Bum-Bum-Bea,’ she says, trying to get me to roll over so she can insert something in another crevice.

‘BEA!’ I hear Loni shout as the music is turned down momentarily. ‘There’s someone who wants to see you!’

‘BEAAAAA, come downstairs!’ Loni calls again.

‘OK, OK, don’t get your yoga pants in a twist,’ I mutter and I descend the stairs slowly, freezing to the spot when I see who is standing at the front door.

‘Kieran?’ I glance at Loni and then at Kieran nervously. ‘I – I didn’t expect to see you here!’ My smile is fixed on my face as hordes of people swirl around us in the corridor, talking, laughing, looking at Kieran, staring at me.

‘I’m full of surprises,’ Kieran grins, his evergreen eyes boring into mine.

‘You certainly are,’ Cal pipes up, stepping out of the crowd and onto the bottom stair protectively, creating a barrier between us. ‘Still don’t have a home to go to, huh?’

‘Cal!’ Loni chastises, eyeing me warily as I push my brother out of the way and walk towards Kieran. ‘That’s no way to treat a guest of Bea’s. Come in, Kieran, please, and you’re welcome to stay for Christmas dinner if you like.’ If she is surprised or displeased to see Kieran she isn’t showing it. Maybe after the chat we had on the night of my birthday she realises that things are different this time and that being with him is helping me, healing me almost.

‘Come in, grab yourself a glass!’ Loni says warmly. I smile at her gratefully.

I take Kieran’s arm – mostly in a show of defiance to Cal. I know he’s just trying to protect me, but he’s judging Kieran only from his experience of him in the past. Doesn’t he realise that people change; everyone deserves a second chance. After all, not all of us can be Superheroes like Cal.

I can feel Kieran bringing out my rebellious streak again. I should be anxious about him being here, but I’m not; I feel invigorated. He makes me feel like I’m living my own life. Not everyone else’s version. He makes me feel brave. Defiant. In control.

I lead Kieran through the crazy, bustling house, squeezing past Loni’s cronies who are laughing and chatting at the top of their voices. Out of the corner of my eye I see Cal shake his head, like I’m some sort of errant child.

‘I didn’t mean to interrupt your Christmas dinner,’ Kieran says with an apologetic smile.

‘Most people have eaten by 8 p.m. on Christmas Day,’ I laugh. ‘But then again, most people don’t have Christmas at Loni’s.’ He slips his arm around me and I flinch a little at his touch. It feels too intimate somehow, even though the last time we were together we were almost naked in the sea. Despite that, we still haven’t kissed. I had panicked and run out of the water, desperate to find the shore.

‘I thought I’d left it late enough. I just really wanted to see you. It’s been too long. I hated going back on the ship. I’ve spent every moment in the last six weeks wanting to be back here, with you.’ He starts to take off his coat.

‘Oh, no don’t bother taking it off!’ I say quickly.

A flicker of hurt flashes across his face. ‘Oh, right, yeah, sorry. I’m not staying . . .’

I tut and smile, touching his arm gently with my hand. He’s always been oversensitive. ‘No, that’s not what I meant. Look!’ We walk into the conservatory where the glass doors have been pulled back, letting floods of cold, wintry air into the room. Heat lamps are blasting out hot air and some sensible guests are huddled around them, but the rest don’t seem bothered by the cold. They must have been at the yoga disco. It is bonkers being outside like this but it is also incredibly beautiful.

A line of trestle tables leads all the way out into the cold, frosty garden. Fairy lights are draped all around the conservatory and the garden beyond so the whole place twinkles like stars. About thirty or forty people are milling around, wearing festive hats with their coats and scarves. In the centre of the line of tables is a turkey, a gigantic ham hock and a suckling pig, as well as a heap of knives and forks, loads of bread rolls, home-made chutneys, apple sauce and cranberry sauce, along with five different salads and four different types of potatoes. A wintry wind is whistling around us, but everyone is so well inebriated no one seems to care. Loni always says each season should be celebrated and that feeling the cold air on our skin helps us feel alive. In one corner is a giant urn of mulled wine, there are bottles of home-made elderflower wine and a vat of Loni’s special sloe gin-and-rhubarb punch. There are no chairs, just a stack of paper plates and cups.

‘Welcome to A Very Crazy Loni Christmas,’ I smile as we grab plates and pile food upon them. We watch as Loni, dressed in a full fake fur over an Aztec-print pantsuit, circulates, hair spiralling in the wind, her peals of laughter bouncing off the trees.

‘So what happens now?’ Kieran asks. I’m not sure if he means right now, or with us. I go with the most comfortable version.

‘It’s Christmas, and you’re at Loni’s so there is only one thing to do.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Get drunk, of course!’ I lead him over to the urn of mulled wine.

‘Sounds good to me,’ he grins.

We jump as Cal calls for silence by banging a giant Indian drum and Loni is lifted up on the shoulders of a man to shouts, cheers and applause.

‘Who’s he?’ Kieran asks, nodding towards him as he takes a sip of warm wine.

I shrug disinterestedly. ‘He’s been to several of Loni’s retreats. He’s called Roger, I think.’

‘Well, Roger looks like all his Christmases have come at once,’ Kieran drawls and he nudges me.

‘Attention, please, everyone!’ Loni shouts, waving her arms. ‘I just wanted to take this moment to say a few words of thanks for what we all have – and what we’re about to receive . . .’ Everyone bows their head.

‘A prayer?’ Kieran scoffs. ‘Really? I didn’t know your mum was religious.’

‘She’s not,’ I reply somewhat defensively.

I think of Adam and how he never questioned Loni’s weird ways, he just accepted them, even though they were as far removed from his own upbringing as they could possibly be.

‘Merry Christmas, everyone,’ Loni says as she ends her prayer. ‘Now, let’s have some fun!’

‘Oh God,’ I groan as there is a whoop of excitement as Loni starts a conga.

‘Let’s go somewhere quiet.’ Kieran slips his arm around me and he nods towards the swing seat at the bottom of the garden.

I look at him and he is staring at me with such intensity and devotion and a kind of desperation that I know that, even though my instincts are telling me not to, I can’t resist. I have never been able to resist Kieran.

Chapter 56

We sit next to each other, clasping our warm mulled wine as we observe the party in silence: the dancing, laughing people, the twinkling lights, the stars blinking above us, the fire blazing in the fire pit, the guy with the guitar who is playing folk songs. Kieran’s hand is next to mine and slowly, slowly, he curls it around mine until our fingers are entwined. I don’t move, or breathe. I can’t. I feel as if the last eight years have fallen away. I remember how being with him always felt illicit, dangerous, exciting, just like it does now. I’m not being the good girl any more.

But does it feel good?

I glance across the garden and see Loni standing in the doorway of the conservatory. She rests her head against the doorframe and I stretch my neck, trying to see why. It isn’t like her to be on the sidelines. Then I see someone next to her, placing his arm around her shoulder. And she leans into him for a moment. It’s Roger.

Kieran follows my line of vision.

‘Looks like your mum may not be so anti-relationships after all,’ he says, nodding at Loni just as Roger whispers something to her. She shakes her head, and pushes him away gently. I’d told Kieran how worried I was about Loni’s tiredness, her lack of interest in the house, or work, the fact that she’d lost weight. If she didn’t look so well I’d have taken her to a doctor by now. ‘She’s not ill,’ Kieran continues, a mischievous tone to his voice. ‘She’s in love.’

‘No,’ I say quickly, more to myself than to Kieran. ‘She couldn’t have fallen for someone after all these years. Loni doesn’t do love.’

‘What about you, Bea? Do you do love?’ Kieran says huskily, turning me to face him.

I look down, unable to return his intense gaze and wanting to look back at Loni who I’m more preoccupied with right now. ‘I – I don’t know, I mean, I just . . .’

‘Bea,’ Kieran says, lifting my chin gently so I have no choice but to look at him. ‘I can’t go on like this much longer, being with you and not saying how I feel. I know you’re scared and uncertain, I know being with me is an enormous risk but I came back because no matter how hard I tried I’ve never been able to forget you. I’m not the same guy that left all those years ago and I hope you can see as clearly as I can that even though I’ve –
we’ve
– both changed there is still something very special between us.’

I’m trying to breathe, but I feel like there’s no oxygen left. I feel dizzy with confusion. After all, this is everything I spent years wanting to hear but now he’s saying it I feel like I’m submerged in a sea of doubt.

‘I need to know where I stand. I need you in my life and I need to know if you feel the same.’

‘Kieran.’ I manage to say his name but then stop. It feels like a dream. All of this feels like a dream. As if there is another version of me, one who never left Adam, who is happily married and settled and who isn’t here, obsessing about my long-lost dad and seriously contemplating being with my first love again even though it went so tragically wrong last time . . .

‘I know you’re very confused,’ Kieran adds quickly. ‘And I know I’ve brought back a lot of painful memories you wanted to forget. We both stayed away from each other for so long because of them. But no matter where we go, or who we’re with, or how far we try and pull ourselves apart we’re always going to be drawn back to each other again. We’re meant to be, babe.’

I open my mouth to reply, but as I do, Kieran lowers his lips to mine and I realise that he is going to kiss me. It is a moment I’ve waited so long for and yet, now that it’s happening, I know that it signifies an ending, not a beginning. He kisses me with such longing that I know in this one moment he is transferring all of his feelings of – not love, it doesn’t feel like love – pain, loss and regret to me. I understand. Finally I understand. As we kiss I feel as if our lives, our worlds are reshaping, merging until what has been is no more. The darkness that shrouds us both is circling and joining, as if it is burying us. I realise that this is what I’ve always been running away from, this darkness that is known only by Kieran and me. And as I pull back from him my world re-forms. I open my eyes and I see Kieran looking at me and feel that my path is completely illuminated and for the first time I know exactly what I want and where I want to go. The past is gone, there is only now left.

I pull away and jump up from the swing seat as two figures appear out of the gloom. I squint when they call my name.

‘Milly! Jay!’ I gasp. ‘Oh my God. I thought you guys were in New York!’ I step towards them and glance guiltily back at Kieran. They’re standing looking between me and Kieran, clutching a bundle of perfectly wrapped gifts. Milly is wearing a bright red swing coat that emphasises her bump. Her beautiful, newly rounded face is a picture of shock, annoyance, disbelief and disapproval.

‘Cal said he saw you come down here. Is everything all right?’ She looks at Kieran and then at me.

‘Everything’s fine!’ I exclaim, standing up and throwing my arms around her. ‘I didn’t know you were coming!’

‘I can see that,’ she says coolly.

‘Hi.’ Kieran waves at Milly and smiles at her charmingly. But she ignores him. Kieran does the same to Jay, but he ignores him too. Credit to Kieran, his smile doesn’t waver but he does drop his hand.

‘Milly, you remember Kieran.’

‘I do. Unfortunately.’

‘Milly!’ I say warningly.

Kieran steps forward and slips his arm around me again. I flinch slightly – especially when I see how angry Milly looks. ‘I should probably go,’ he says.

‘There’s a surprise,’ Milly murmurs. He glances at her and I see a flicker of annoyance in his eyes but then it is gone.

‘Merry Christmas, Bea. I’ll see you soon, yeah?’ He kisses me lightly on the lips. I smile weakly and then watch as he heads off into the darkness.

Milly and Jay’s disapproval is weighing heavy in the night air and I know I shouldn’t let them see that I’m watching him go, but I can’t help myself. I feel like I’ve just made a momentous, life-changing realisation.

‘Are you going to tell us what the hell is going on then?’ Milly snaps.

I turn to face her wearily. ‘No, Milly, I’m not.’ I don’t want to have to defend myself any more. I know what I’m doing. At last.

‘Why not? We’re best friends – you should tell me everything, right, Jay?’

‘I think I’m going to leave you girls to battle this out on your own.’ He backs away quickly and then heads over to the heaving table of alcohol.

‘I can’t believe you’re seeing him. When are you going to give up on this crazy version of your life you’ve opted for that exists entirely in the past and instead get back together with the one person who is right for you?’ Milly’s voice has become ear-piercingly high-pitched. I look at her, astonished by her vehemence.

‘I threw away my chance with Adam a long time ago. You need to stop obsessing about the past and move on.’

‘Like
you
have? With him?’ She jerks her head round to where Kieran disappeared into the darkness.

‘Like we
both
have. Adam’s travelling, having a great time, meeting people, I’m sure he’s forgotten all about me . . .’

‘That’s where you’re wrong!’ she continues, her brown eyes shining passionately. ‘No matter where he’s gone or what he’s done, he’s never forgotten you. In fact, he’s been waiting for you, giving you space to come to your senses as well as trying to make everything better for you!’

I shake my head, unable to deal with this version of events.

‘He’s left his job, Bea, he’s changed his entire life for you, and not only that, he’s spent the last few months trying to find your dad for you. And he’s done it too – look!’