xanth 40 - isis orb (14 page)

They started off in single file. Hapless saw the others enter the mountain before him. When he got there he found that there was a faint glow of the path so that they could follow it without banging into a wall.

He had expected the caves to be dark and gloomy, but glowing moss illuminated their walls in assorted colors and they were somberly lovely in their fashion. There were chambers linked to chambers, each with its own descending stalactites and rising stalagmites. Portions were wide avenues, but the path chose to twist deviously through obscure connections. They followed it, trusting the enchantment to know what it was doing. Tight as it squeezed in places, there was always room for them to pass, including Zed, their largest member.

The map indicated that they were approaching a goblin trail. Their path paralleled it. They increased their caution.

Quin raised his hand in warning. They halted in place, silently.

There were sounds. A gob of goblins tramped through the main section of the cavern, carrying bags of air potatoes evidently harvested from the surface. They were on the other side of a line of stalagmites, and did not see the Companions. In three and a half moments they were gone.

Hapless breathed. The enchantment had protected them from discovery. If the goblins had seen them, what then? Would the gobs have been balked, as monsters had been on prior paths? Maybe, but that would have alerted the goblins to their presence, and they might have moved or killed their captive. The parameters were uncertain.

Parameters: there was a sophisticated word, he thought as they resumed motion. It meant variable boundaries that shifted depending on circumstances. If the party was unobserved, they could probably reach the prisoner without difficulty. But if they were discovered, they might have to follow a different, more complicated course. There was no single perfect route; it all depended on multiple factors.

Their passage spiraled generally downward, wending through large and small caves. One contained a collection of bats hanging from the ceiling. Spooked, the bats dropped into the air and flew rapidly through a hole in the wall, surely heading for the outside night.

They came to an underground pool. Something lurked in it. “Kraken weed,” Zed whispered. “We don’t want to mess with that.”

“But the path leads across that water,” Feline whispered.

The others looked at Hapless. “Trust the path,” he whispered back.

Feline set foot on the water. The kraken was immediately alert, focusing on the spot. But its tentacles did not penetrate the space reserved by the path.

The water dented, but held. Feline walked across it, and the others followed, as they had walked across the air before. The kraken reached for them with a hundred tentacles, entirely surrounding the space that was the path, but could not get inside it. They walked through the tunnel of tentacles unharmed.

“I am impressed,” Quin murmured. This was evidently his first venture on an enchanted path.

“If we are pursued, on our return, the kraken will be a good barrier,” Zed whispered.

Farther along, there was a nest of giant spiders. They looked, approached, but could not touch the path or the folk on it. Still, it was nervous business, passing their gnashing mandibles.

Another cave was evidently the haunt of a troll. He was sleeping, and did not wake as they passed through. If he had awoken, and spied them, would he have made a commotion? Would that have changed their chances? Parameters, again.

Then they came to a den of tigers. They must have strayed from Mundania and found refuge in the mountain. They saw the intruders and approached, looking annoyed.

Feline changed to cat form. She stood there for a long moment, almost a moment and a half, one striped cat silently facing down others. Then she reverted to human form. The big cats turned away, acknowledging her right to pass with her party. It seemed that cats did not interfere with cats, even crossbreeds.

Finally they reached what seemed to be the lowest level. The path tunneled through a wall, and there were two individuals, a female goblin and a male harpy. The harpy was bound to the floor by a shackle on one leg and a chain.

The goblin opened her mouth to scream. Zed reached down to pick her up, clapping a hand over her mouth so that she could not warn the other goblins. She was helpless and silent.

“Hardly Harpy, I presume?” Feline said to the male. “We have come to take you away from all this.”

“Who are you?” Hardly demanded suspiciously. “What trick is this?”

Hapless stepped forward. “I am Hapless Human, and these are my Companions of a Quest.”

“I don’t believe you. It’s just another tease the goblins arranged.”

Quin was in dragon form. He changed to harpy form. “I am Quin, harpy/dragon crossbreed. You may know of me.”

“I do. There can’t be two of you. But what’s your interest in rescuing me? Or are you here to kill me, so you can have all the hens to yourself?”

“I want to join the Quest so I won’t have to mess with the hens,” Quin said. “But I can’t ethically depart until I get them a better replacement. So we really are here to rescue you.”

“Come with us,” Feline said. “We have an enchanted path.”

“Put Glenna down.”

“The gobliness? She’ll scream to alert the goblins.”

“No she won’t. Let her go or I won’t go anywhere with you.”

Hapless glanced at Zed and nodded. The centaur set the lady goblin down and let her go. She didn’t scream.

“Glenna, I have to go,” Hardly said.

“I know,” she said. “I’ll miss you.” A tear crossed her cheek.

Hapless realized that the goblin was not so much a guard as a friend. Maybe both.

“Come with me.”

“I would only be in the way. The harpies would never let me stay.”

“True,” Hardly said. He stepped onto the path and walked through the wall.

The others followed. The wall became solid as Hapless brought up the rear. They were safely on their way.

“I love you, Hardly,” Glenna called.

Hardly froze. “She never said that before.”

There was a harsh cry by a male goblin. “He’s escaping! This is your fault, Glenna!”

Now Glenna screamed. They were going to take their rage out on her.

“Rescue her too!” Hardly said.

Hapless tried to reason with him. “She’s a goblin. We really can’t—”

“I’m not going without her. I won’t let her be tortured to death.”

“But—”

“Now!” Hardly stepped off the path toward the wall.

Hapless looked at Zed. “Can you—”

The centaur went to the wall where the hole had been, turned around, and delivered a two-hind-foot kick. The stone was blasted apart. He spun about and plunged through, Hapless following.

Two goblin males were holding Glenna and a third was facing her, obviously about to rape her before they killed her. Goblins did not pussyfoot when it came to brutality.

Hapless conjured a tuba and blew into its mouthpiece with all his might. BBLUURRPP! It was the most horrible sound, stinking of flatulence and vomit.

The goblins fell back, stunned, Glenna among them. Zed reached down, picked her up again, and plunged back through the gap in the wall. Already the goblins were regrouping. Hapless blasted them with another foul smelling note, then threw the tuba at them and leaped after the centaur.

Hardly and Glenna were hugging, his wings around her body. “I love you too,” Hardly told her. Then they kissed. Little hearts floated around them.

“We have to get out of here,” Hapless said. “I don’t know if the path remains intact.”

“We’ll soon find out,” Feline said grimly as goblins poured through the gap.

Hapless conjured another tuba, but before he could play it, the goblins were piling into them and bouncing off the invisible wall surrounding the path. They had made it.

“I couldn’t tell you before,” Glenna told Hardly. “I knew you wouldn’t want to be with a goblin.”

“I always liked you, but I thought you were just taking care of the prisoner.”

“That, too,” she agreed. They kissed again, generating more hearts.

“Get on the centaur,” Hapless told them both. “We’ll sort this out later.”

They got on Zed’s back, and the group moved out while the goblins grabbed at them without connecting. Hapless played another stench on the tuba and the goblins fell back, unable to handle its awfulness.

They came to the tiger den. The big cats formed an impromptu phalanx and marched on the goblins, who grimly stood their ground. “MAAKE MMYY DAAY!” the lead tiger growled. The goblins retreated.

“Thank you,” Feline said to the tigers. “That was a truly catly deed.” Then, to Hapless: “Cats like music. I wonder if we could thank them better with a nice tune?”

Hapless, seeing that the cave was now free of goblins, agreed. He conjured instruments, and the others played an impromptu predatory cat medley for the tigers. They loved it.

The troll was still sleeping. They passed through his cave without waking him, again.

Then the spiders. They played a buzzing melody that sounded like a swarm of giant flies. The spiders appreciated it.

And the kraken. They scored with a sound like the rushing sea. Music did not have to be melodic in the human manner to be effective.

Finally they emerged to the nest. They had rescued Hardly, but there was a complication: he had a girlfriend.

“Oh, Hardly, they’ll never accept me,” Glenna wailed.

“We’ll see about that,” he said resolutely. “I will settle this in the morning.” He stroked Glenna’s shoulder with a wing. “I regret I will have to be untrue to you, dear, but I think you understand the situation.”

“I do,” she agreed bravely.

They settled down for the rest of the night in the crowded nest. Feline was jammed up against Hapless. “Sorry I can’t give you more room,” she said.

“I’ll survive.” They both knew she could have made room by assuming cat form.

In the morning Hardly, smudged by repeated kisses, assumed control. “Let me settle my business with the harpies, so you know you are free to go, Quin. Then we’ll part company, amicably. I do appreciate being rescued.”

Hapless was not at all sure how this would play out, but was satisfied to let the harpy handle it.

Hardly pursed his lips and made a shrieking whistle. Immediately there was an answer. In three and a third moments a flock of harpies flew in toward the nest and hovered. They were every bit as dirty as reputed, with stringy soiled hair, battered wings, ugly faces, and smudged bare jugs that would have challenged any halter to beautify. It was clear why they were not popular birds.

“What’s this?” one screeched, spitting as she spoke. It seemed that the screech was the normal harpy mode of speech.

“These members of a Quest rescued me from the goblins,” Hardly announced evenly. “Mark them carefully. You will treat them with courtesy and respect, now and in the future.”

They looked, and did not argue, foreign as these concepts might be to them. It was plain that he
had
been rescued, saving them a mountain of gold or worse. It was also plain, as Quin had said, that he was his own man, taking no guff from the dirty birds.

“And this is Glenna Goblin,” he continued, gesturing to her. “She succored me when the goblins threatened to abuse me, at serious risk to her own welfare. She stayed with me throughout, taking care of my needs without asking anything in return. She has now been banned from her kind, because she helped me escape. I am grateful, and I love her. We will stay together, and you will treat her with respect.”

Hapless looked from the wretched filthy harpies to the lovely little goblin girl. It was plain why even a harpy male preferred her.

There was outrage. “No way!” a harpy screeched.

“She will be my girlfriend,” he continued inexorably. “You will be my harem. It’s a package. You can’t have one without the other. Take or leave it.”

The harpies were silent. They knew it was this deal or nothing.

“I’m sure other harpy flocks will be happy to accept these terms, if you don’t. Shall we depart?”

They hesitated. Hardly spread his wings as if to fly away. That much was a bluff, because Glenna couldn’t fly, but it accented the point.

The harpies hastily caved. They knew it was the best offer they were ever likely to get. At least Hardly understood them.

Hardly faced the members of the Quest. “I thank you for your service. If you should return this way, the harpies will welcome you.” He glanced at a harpy who was opening her mouth, and she quickly closed it. “And I thank you specifically, Quin, for enabling this outcome. You have been a true friend.”

“You are welcome,” Quin said. Hapless knew it was heartfelt, because Quin would have been stuck for it otherwise.

“Now we shall proceed to our apartment in the mountain,” Hardly said. “This way, my dear.” They left the nest and went to a hole in the mountain. In two thirds of a moment they were gone.

“I am relieved,” Quin said.

“So are we,” Hapless agreed. It was an understatement.

Chapter 7:

Faro

They had not gotten a full night’s rest, but they were eager to move on before any further complication could find them. Hapless opened the box.

There was a picture of a female winged centaur, with the name FARO.

“Well, now,” Zed said.

Hapless agreed. Lady centaurs were well endowed, and normally did not wear clothing. If Nya was interesting in this respect, Faro was more so.

“Ahem,” Feline murmured.

“She has nice hair,” Zed said. “We appreciate it.”

She did have nice long brown tresses that curled from her head through her mane and down around her front. Hapless was happy to leave it at that.

“Isn’t that a boy’s name?” Feline asked.

“Yes, normally,” Zed said. “But names are fickle; they don’t always remain with their original genders. This one means ‘I do well,’ and there’s also a card game.”

“Well, let’s go recruit her,” Feline said with resignation. “She’ll be able to fly with you dragons.”

The new path proceeded to the mountain, then straight down it at an impossible angle. “We can’t follow that,” Feline said. “We’ll fall off.”