Yesterday's Heroes (Consortium of Chaos Book 1) (43 page)

Vaudeville sighed, cutting off
Cynic’s paranoid tirade.  “Yeah, I’m just not feeling this one, guys.”

Harlot tried to play a trump card. 
“The TV stations might be there.  You could get on TV again, Cory.”

Vaudeville stared at her a beat,
and then took on an overly sarcastic “thinking” tone.  “That’s
true
.  I
have
been looking into making a triumphant return to television, and I’ve narrowed
down my options to either doing
Dancing with the Stars
, or dying
horribly while trying to save the world from utter destruction.”  He paused. 
“I’m still thinking it over; it’s a
super
tough decision…”  He pursed
his lips in thought.  “Dying IS fun…but I
can
dance a mean
paso doble
. 
Hmmmm…”

The Mortician gave a bark of
laughter.  “Yooou want us tooo be heroooes, Harlooot? 
Really?
 I make
zooombies.
 
Tell me hooow that poooower can pooosibly have heroooic applicatiooons?”  He
shook his head in disbelief.  “Yoooou ever hear oooof a gooood zooombie?  They
aren’t knoooown fooor their civil pride.  Moooostly just fooor eating brains.”

Cynic shrugged.  “I don’t know, man. 
That zombie Michael Jackson you used that one time to recreate the
Thriller
music video was a pretty fucking good dancer…”  His smile faded slightly.  “…Till
he started eating those tourists in Times Square…that distracted him and the
backup dancer zombies had to carry his performance until he was done…”  Cynic’s
smile returned as he thought back on the cherished memory.  He took another sip
from his juice box.  “But say what you will, he still HAD IT, man!  Not even
death
could stop the epic moves of the
King of Pop!
  OW!”

Troubadour immediately started
playing
Thriller
on his electric guitar and Vaudeville did his best
impression of the zombie dance on the table top.  Cory was
surprisingly
good at it actually.  An entirely inappropriate time to be showcasing his
talents, but still…

Roach shook his head.  “I didn’t
spend eight decades of my life fighting Capes, just to let the
Reds in the
door now!
”  He gave several dry hacking coughs and then readjusted the
oxygen mixture on the tank strapped to his wheelchair.  “I’ve said it before
and I’ll say it again; saving peoples’ lives is
COMMUNISM
.  The rest of
you soft little turds can go commie if you want, but the last time I checked, I
was still an evil
AMERICAN!” 

Holly ignored the rather odd
statement, and leaned to the side so that she could see Harlot around Cory as
he continued to dance on the table.  “I’m in.  No one blows up my town but
me. 
I say we decorate the office Christmas tree with their
balls
.”

Stacy made a face.  “Ick.  Thanks
for
THAT
image, Holl.”

Troubadour ended his
Thriller
cover and took a long thoughtful drag of his cigarette and started another song.

“I’ve robbed every bank in this city

Made the widows and the orphans all cry

I’m out of new crimes, mores the pity

So might as well give heroics a try.”

Stacy starred at him.  “You’re only
going to help because you’ve run out of new crimes to commit, and now you’re
bored?”

He took another puff and smiled.

She shook her head in disgust.  “Wow. 
Cold, Gabe.  Cold.”  She looked over Harlot.  “Of COURSE we have to go!  We’re
the frakkin’ HEROES, and the VILLAINS are attacking the city!  I don’t even
know why we’re
discussing
this.”  She bobbed her head decisively.  “The
Linemen are in; I haven’t talked to my brothers about it, but they’ll go if I
tell them to, and I’m going to tell them to, so they’ll go.”

Gurrier swore savagely for some
reason.

Tyrant rolled his eyes.  “Yes,
that’s certainly a relief.”  He took a sip of his wine.  “No mission could
POSSSIBLY
succeed without having the
Bell children
along; they’re like the underworld’s
answer to the Von Trapps.”

Stacy flew from her seat in anger. 
“Well at least I don’t take fashion advice from
Sauron, the Dark Lord!”

“I do not recognize this person.” 
He took another regal sip from his goblet.  “Since it is YOU that I am speaking
to however, I will assume that this is a reference to a character from either
an insipid, poorly animated Japanese cartoon show, or a book series about perky
fourteen year olds who solve mysteries while
babysitting.
”  He put his
drink down then disregarded her and arched an imperial eyebrow at Harlot.  “But
to answer your shrill and exceptionally rude question, girl; yes, I will take
part in this operation.  It only makes sound strategic sense for me to do this. 
I will join with the weaker force and take out the stronger.  When this is
over, I will be in a better position to act against the weaker and achieve my
destined conquest of this dimension and its people.  I can…”  He stared down at
the cage on his belt as it jingled, and he scowled.  “Well, too bad!  You are
my
captive so you will go where I tell you to go and do what I tell you to do! 
And
I
say we’re going to fight the heroes!  You forget your place,
Princess!  Once you were a powerful ruler of a kingdom of millions, secure in
the endless expanse of your enchanted weald; and now you are merely a pretty
little
object
I use to decorate my armor, because seeing you brought so
low
pleases
me.  You are a TROPHY; your humiliation simply a way to
momentarily divert myself from my
far
more important endeavors, and
remind myself how superior to my enemies I truly am.  I am your
MASTER!  I
OWN YOU! 
You’re not in your palace any longer, you’re in a cage;
MY
cage and are my
PROPERTY!” 
He smashed down a fist so hard that it
knocked off the armrest of his chair.  “You will be silent and
OBEY ME!”

Marian pulled out her receipt
book.  “Tyrant
,
I am making a notation here and taking the cost of repairing
one Anderson executive-style command chair model number AA23…”

Tyrant ignored her completely as the
angry jingling continued.  He nodded at whatever his prisoner was saying,
talking right over Marian’s complaints.  “Yes, I’m sure you could…or at least
you would
TRY
.”  Jingle.  “No, YOU listen to
ME
, because I’m…” 
Tingle.  “…That has nothing to do with it, and it’s not something that a lady
should even be…”  Tinkle.  “I know what I’m doing because mine is the greatest
genius this world has
ever known
and….”  Buzz.  “YOU don’t tell ME to
shut up!  I tell YOU to…”  Tinkle.  “…I’m not even going to talk to you while you’re
like this.”  Buzz.  “…But
I can take care of us!
  Who could POSSIBLY
pose me any threat?  I’m unstoppable; my power without equal and beyond all measure. 
I…”  Tingle.  “
STOP INTERUPTING ME
!”  Buzz.  “…I grow weary of your
impertinence; I will go with them, and am taking you with me, no matter
what
you say.  Now sit in your bower, and be
quiet
.”  Tingle. 
“I command
you to be silent!” 
Chirp.  Tyrant’s voice became a shrill parody.  “
But
Ty!  But Ty! 
Don’t you ‘
but
Ty
’
ME
, insect!  You will
address me by my FORMAL title, and do not question my decisions!  I am unmoved
by your…”  Jingle.  Tyrant stopped and considered something his prisoner said,
and then looked over at Harlot.  “How long is this exercise expected to take
exactly?”

Harlot opened her mouth to reply,
but the Princess said something else to him first, and the argument continued.

Mortician’s brow winkled as if in
deep though.  “Yoooou knoooooow…Cynic’s right…that Michael Jacksoooon
zooooombie really was a HELL ooooof an entertainer.  Hooooney Badger never shooould
have squashed his brain like that…Such a waste…”

Librarian raised her hand.  “I will
go.”

“Nice speech, Libs.”  Cynic nodded
with fake admiration.  “Really inspirational; choked me right up.”  He looked
over at Harlot and shrugged.  “Sorry, babe, but all my hats are black.  I’ll
help you take out the heroes, but that’s as far as I go.  I don’t know the
first thing about being a hero, anyway.”

Librarian glanced over at him.  “It
should not be hard for you to understand how to be a hero, Mr. O’Probrian; just
do the exact opposite of what you
normally
do.”

“Wow!”  He threw his head back and
laughed.  “Libs FINALLY makes a joke!  And…”  He trailed off as he saw that the
woman was entirely serious and had not meant that to be amusing.  He frowned in
frustration, and looked across the table at Henchman, trying to change the
subject.  “Hey Hench; you get in contact with Pak and tell him to get his
frozen ass back here, because we need him to go on a suicide mission with us?”

Silence.

Cynic whistled loudly.  “Hench! 
Hey!  Space Command to Major Asshole!”

The other man jumped in his seat,
snapping back to attention.  “Wait, are you talking to me, Cynic?”

Cynic rolled his eyes.  “No, I’m
talking to my imaginary friend who’s ALSO named ‘Hench.’  Of
COURSE
I’m
talking to you, dipshit!”

Roach cleared his throat.  “I had
an imaginary friend once…”  His voice took on a dreamy quality.  “…Name of
Winkles
…Winkles
and me did everything together; the best of friends…”  He shook his head.  “…
Such
good friends
…Then in the summer of ’38, I had to put an icepick through his
eye…”  He stared down at the table as if in a daze.  “He knows why…
He knows
why
…”

Blackguard squinted over at the
older man for a moment trying to understand what any of that meant, and then shook
his head to clear it.  “Folks; I’m gay, black, and a super-villain.  I can’t
think of
anyone
society wants saving them LESS than me.”  He shrugged. 
“But what the hell.  I’ll go, just to see the looks on their faces when we roll
up to save the day.”

Jamie leaned back in his chair, a
smile crossing his face.  “The Narrator laughed.  Yes, he decided that he would
go, as well.  That would make an excellent chapter in his book.  Unexpected
drama for Act Three.”

Infernal sighed.  “Do I at least
get hazard pay for this or something?”  She looked at Librarian.  “Overtime? 
Anything?”

Marian shook her head.  “It is a
pre-existing duty of your employment here, and thus, you will receive only
standard criminal compensation, which, given the charitable nature of the
endeavor, will likely be minimal.”

Infernal swore.

Poacher raised his hand, looking like
he needed a clarification.  “So…if we go…we’d at least be killing people
though, right?”

Harlot glanced down the table at
him.  “We would need to do whatever was necessary to…”

He cut her off.  “I’m with any
fucking plan that requires me to kill people I hate; I’m in.”  He stood up from
the table, and started walking towards the door.  “I’ll be in the car. 
MOVE
YOUR ASSES PEOPLE!  We’re heroes now, so
let’s go be heroic and shit!
”

Enmity continued to carefully burn
what appeared to be someone else’s family photos, then waived a dismissive hand. 
“Pfft.  Jesus.  If you’re going to go, GO!  Shut up about it already. 
Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla!  You’re giving me a headache!  I swear, the city’s going
to be dead in the ground from old age by the time you get off your asses.”  She
threw a picture of someone’s baby into the glass, and smiled as she watched it twist
and burn.

Amity carefully folded her hands in
her lap, and gave her twin a disapproving look.  “The good Lord put us on this
planet to help each other; to care for our brothers and sisters.  They need
help, and it would be cruel of us not to come to their aid in this their hour
of need.  Although they may not have understood us in the past, they’re such
lovely
people, and will be ever so grateful for our assistance now.  I truly believe
that this is an opportunity for a greater understanding between our beloved family
and the general populous.  Not that their gratitude is the reason why we should
go to help them.  Virtue, charity and continence are their OWN rewards, and
thinking about any other personal benefit is selfish and prideful.”  She paused
and tried to take her sister’s hand.  “I’m so very proud of you for your independence,
though, and respect you for standing by your beliefs, Em.  You’re such a strong
and forthright young woman.”  She smiled at her sweetly.  “My dear sister, I do
love you ever so much.”

Emily swore and tore her hand
away.  “
Goddammit!
  Why do you have to be such a fucking Girl Scout all
the damn time, Aim?  Huh?  You’re KILLING me here!  If YOU go, that means that
I
have to go, and I don’t
WANT
to go!  I’ve spent YEARS hoping those
fucking people would die, and now that it’s
finally
happening, you’re
making me go save them with you?  Dammit.”  She sighed, obviously feeling her
own pain.  “How about you, Adam?  You want in on this idiocy too?”

The sisters turned to their
brother.  Apathy shrugged indifferently.  “Meh.”

Wyatt ran a hand through his hair,
clearly upset.  “I literally can’t believe what I’m hearing.”  His eyes scanned
the assembly, his face filled with something between frustration and sorrow.  “You
people are insane.  You’re throwing you lives away.”

Harlot blinked at him.  “W-w-what? 
I figured you’d be the one MOST behind this plan?  It’s the right thing to do.”

“Funny thing about the right
thing?  It usually gets you killed.  If you think I’m just going to stand here
and watch you suicidal idiots do something
this
stupid, you’re
wrong. 
I’ve been down this road before, and it doesn’t go anywhere good.
 
Villains
don’t
risk their lives to save an ungrateful populous.  We’ve been over
this.  I don’t know why you seem to be having trouble understanding the concept
of ‘villainy’ all of a sudden, but it’s going to get you killed.  Bad things
happen.  If
we
caused them, we’re happy.  If we
didn’t
cause
them, then we stay out of it, and we’re
still
happy.  That’s villainy
101, people.  If the city is going to get destroyed, it has nothing to do with
us, except for the fact that we’ll be RIGHT there to laugh in the faces of its
citizens as that machine drowns them all.”