You Are My Air: Breathless Book 1 (29 page)

"There's nothing wrong with being afraid, David," Syd said in a gentle tone. "Who could blame you, after what you've been through?"

I nodded yet again. She only knew part of what Paige had done to me. No one knew the whole truth but Paige and I. My fear was deep and overpowering; the pain I still carried with me fed it every day that I was with Natalie. I had shoved it aside for so long, pretending that it couldn't control me, that I could defy it by ignoring it. However, now I feared it was going to keep me from moving on, from taking my life back. I was afraid it was going to keep me alone for the rest of my life.

"Does she know about Paige?" she asked.

"I told her," I answered her. "She knows I've been hurt badly."

"Then give her the benefit of the doubt." Sydney said. "Would she still be here if she wasn't willing to wait for you?"

"What if I'm not worth waiting for?" I whispered. I'd never admitted aloud to the insecurities that had been festering inside me since Paige's rejection. The only reason I said it now was because I trusted them completely. After all the personal things they had shared with me, I owed them honesty about my own messed up head.

They both stared at me in shock for a moment, then shared a look of concern with each other. Sydney reached across the table and took my hand in hers. "David, you are a good man, and any woman would be lucky to have you," she said vehemently. "Just because Paige was too stupid to see that, doesn't mean Natalie won't. Paige was the one who wasn't worth it, not you."

I wished I could believe her. Part of me wondered if she would still think that if she knew the whole truth. I almost decided to tell her, but my mouth went dry with fear, and I knew I couldn't do it. I had enough pity for myself; I didn't need it from them too.

"I'm not a good man; I'm just a pathetic coward," I said as pain welled up inside me.

"That's enough of that fucked-up shit," Jensen growled out as he dropped his fork onto his plate with a clatter and glared at me. "I'm not going to fucking sit here and let you talk about yourself like that. I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you.
Sydney
wouldn't be here if weren't for you. I owe everything I have to
you
, so I don't want to hear that bullshit. You know it's not fucking true."

"But..." I began.

"Shut up! I'm not fucking finished," Jensen interrupted me angrily. "You were willing to help me even though I was a fucked-up mess and a complete stranger. You believed in me when I didn't think I would ever get better. You forgave me when I lied to you. You didn't put up with any of the bullshit that I tried to throw at you when things got hard. I yelled and screamed at you, and you never flinched, not even when I started flipping coffee tables and acting like a fucking dumb ass. You are the bravest man I know. So don't fucking sit here in my home calling yourself a pathetic coward when we both know that you're not."

Sydney and I both sat there staring at him in shocked awe.

"I think you missed your calling," I told him with a wan smile, once the shock of his reaction wore off.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked with a scowl. Sydney smirked at her husband.

"You would have made a great therapist," I said. "Minus the swearing, of course."

A slow smile spread across his lips. "It's not therapy, just a little tough love, brother."

Their belief in me made me feel better and the irony of two of my patients turning into my therapists was not lost on me.

"I know you told her to be patient with you, David," Sydney said softly. "But you need to be patient with yourself too. When the time is right, you'll tell her how you feel, and if she's smart, and she really loves you, then she'll wait. Everything will work out. You'll see."

I nodded, still not completely convinced, but feeling better about this situation then I had before I came over here tonight.

Sydney changed the subject after that, and the rest of our evening was calm and relaxing. They both gave me a hug as I walked out, and I felt grateful for their friendship. At least something in my personal life was working for me. When I got home around nine-thirty, I went straight to my room, intending to crawl into bed and call Natalie before I went to sleep. My phone started ringing in my pocket, just as I pulled my shirt off. It was Natalie of course. An idiotic grin spread across my face.

"Natalie," I said affectionately when I answered the call.

"Hi," she said in that sexy alto voice that made my chest tight, and my cock twitch.

"I was just about to call you, sweetheart." I sat on the edge of the bed. "Did you just get home?"

"Yeah," she said with a sigh. "I'm exhausted. It was a long damn day."

"I bet," I told her. "Did your day go well?"

"It could have been better," she replied. "I'm going to have to work late again tomorrow, so we won't be able to have dinner like we planned. I'm sorry, David."

"That's okay," I said, disappointment coloring my words. "I understand."

"We could reschedule for Friday night," she suggested.

"I've got Andy's bachelor party to go to that night," I said. "I'm sorry."

"A bachelor party, huh?" she said suspiciously. "Does that mean you'll be hitting the strip clubs?"

"I'm afraid so, sweetheart," I answered her. "Does that bother you?"

"That depends," she answered in an ambiguous tone. "Are you just going to watch or are you into lap dances?"

"The only lap dance that I'm interested in, is with you straddling me with my cock inside you," I told her in a low growl. "Those girls won't hold a candle to you, Natalie."

"You are a very smart man." I could hear the smile in her voice.

"Why should I pay to get teased by a skank, when I can have the real thing with you?"

"Another great answer."

"And I'm cheap," I added with snorted laughter. "It'll take more than a couple of fake breasts to get me to part with my hard-earned money."

Her answering laughter was enough to make me hard, and my jeans started to feel tight. I still couldn't believe the things this woman did to me.

I heard her yawning over the line, and I knew I couldn't drag this call out much longer. She needed to sleep if she was going to have another long day tomorrow. "I'm going to let you go so you can get some rest, sweetheart."

"Alright," she said in that pouting tone that I found almost irresistible. The deep feelings I had for her welled up inside me.

"I..." I tried to say those three words again, but the fear hit me, and my tongue suddenly felt thick and heavy. I still couldn't say it. I squeezed my eyes shut and bowed my head in defeat. "I...I'll call you tomorrow night."

There was a pause before she spoke. "I miss you," she said, and I swear she sounded disappointed and sad.

"I miss you too, sweetheart," I replied. "
Ty moe povitrya,
my Natalie." I gave her what I could, trying to make up for my shortcomings. I hoped it was enough.

"Goodnight, David," she said, her voice warm and filled with love.

"Goodnight, sweetheart." My heart ached with guilt and shame. I ended the call and flopped back onto the bed, laying my arm across my eyes and wishing that I had met Natalie first, instead of Paige. Then I wouldn't be this pathetic man who couldn't even tell the woman of his dreams that he loved her.

**********

"Really?" I asked Jensen incredulously. "A stretch Hummer limo?"

"He insisted," he replied with a shrug. "I didn't really have a fucking choice."

Jensen and I were standing next to the behemoth black vehicle, staring at it. Jensen had parked his truck a little way down the street from Andy's house, and we had paused next to the limo on the sidewalk out front.

"Are we riding in that?" I heard an excited male voice announce to our left. I glanced over to see Ben coming up the sidewalk from the opposite direction.

"I'm afraid so," I told him.

"This is so awesome." Ben said as he stopped next to me and eyed the limo with a huge grin.

"At least somebody thinks so," Jensen mumbled next to me in resignation. I felt the same way, which a few weeks ago would have surprised me. Before Natalie, I would have been just as excited as Ben, but she had changed everything, and that deluded promiscuous moron was gone. I didn't want him to come back, ever.

A commotion by the front door of Andy's house made all three of us turn in unison. Andy was laughing as he came out with four other men whom I didn't recognize.

"What do you think of our ride?" Andy asked with a wicked grin. He was dressed in black jeans, a gray T-shirt, and a black leather jacket.

"It's a bit much, don't you think?" Jensen commented with a scowl.

"Come on, brother," Andy said in a cajoling tone. "If we're going to have an epic night, we need an epic ride."

"Yeah," Jensen added with a smirk. "It's epically awful."

"You," Andy pointed at Jensen and glared at him, "are so fucking boring."

"And you are fucking insane," Jensen replied with a smile.

Andy's glare cracked around the edges, and a wide grin spread across his face. "Yes, I am," he admitted unashamedly.

"We'd better go," Jensen announced to all of us. "I'm being charged by the hour for this fucking beast."

"You heard the man," Andy said. "Regulators, mount up!"

"Really?" I asked him with a smirk. "A
Young Guns
reference? What, are you forty?"

"Don't disparage the classics, dude," Andy warned me with a scowl that didn't hide his amusement at all.

Andy made some quick introductions; the other guys were his co-workers. We all piled into the limo, and Andy was already into the wet bar before the vehicle even pulled away from the curb. I had a feeling someone was going to be getting married with on hell of a hangover tomorrow. By the time we reached the first strip club of the night, all of us but Jensen had already had a few shots of tequila, and we were feeling pretty good. Jensen looked a little green as he watched us down the tequila, and I couldn't really blame him, since the last time he drank the stuff he had ended up throwing up in Andy's drive-way. I was happy we weren't drinking vodka. The last time Jensen had that, was the night he tried to commit suicide. He didn't need a reminder of that tonight.

The limo pulled to a stop by the entrance to the club, and we all climbed out laughing and carrying on. There was nothing like a little tequila to loosen us up. We all walked in through the doors, the pounding dance music assaulting my ears. It was an upscale strip club with a large stage on one side of the room and a bar on the opposite side. The decor was dark and opulent with lots of small tables with leather chairs in the center of the room. We headed for one of the large U-shaped leather couches near the stage that Jensen had reserved for us.

A scantily-clad waitress came over and introduced herself as Candy, and took our drink orders. She was curvaceous and attractive with dark hair and eyes, and had enough cleavage for a couple of women. She didn't do anything for me though. My idea of the perfect woman now was tall and slender with a narrow waist and full breasts that filled my hands perfectly. I felt a pang of longing for Natalie. I hadn't seen her since Tuesday night, and the withdrawal was killing me. Suddenly, I didn't want to be here at all, but I sucked it up and put on a happy face for Andy.

We drank and watched the strippers on stage for a while. When some of the girls came over and started giving lap dances to Andy, Ben, and a couple of his co-workers, Jensen and I politely declined. The girls quickly left us alone when they realized neither of us were interested in them nor in giving them any of our money.

After an hour or so, I was feeling pretty buzzed and decided to head outside to get some air. I stepped out of the front door, reveling in the crisp autumn air. Out here I didn't have to pretend that I was enjoying myself. I didn't have to pretend that I wasn't in turmoil over my feelings for Natalie and my inability to voice them. I was feeling pathetic again, and even though I knew the alcohol probably had a lot to do with how melancholy I was; I still stood there wallowing in it. I stood there for a long time, lost in dark thoughts and rubbing absently at my beard.

"Are you alright, dude?" a familiar voice spoke to my right. I looked over to see Andy standing there with a cigar in his hand.

"No, not really," I admitted with a sigh. I watched him light the cigar carefully and take several puffs of the acrid smoke. I couldn't hide my look of disgust.

"What?" he asked with a wry smile. "It's a special occasion."

"You celebrate special occasions by sucking on a smoking turd?" I asked sarcastically. Wow, I
was
kind of drunk. I was starting to sound like Jensen.

"Yes, I do," he answered with a wink as he tipped the cigar toward me. "What's going on with you, brother? You look miserable tonight. I thought you of all people would be eating this shit up."

"I met somebody," I told him with a small smile. "Those strippers don't do anything for me."

He looked at me suspiciously as he took another puff on his cigar. "There's something else going on isn't there?" Damn, even a drunk Andy was entirely too observant.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked in irritation.

"If you know what to look for," he answered in a more serious tone. "Come on, dude, spill it. Maybe it will make you feel better. Maybe I can help you." His tone turned wry. "I am a problem solver, you know."

I sighed as I considered his offer. Andy and I were friends, but we had never discussed anything this deep before. He was a pretty smart guy, and maybe his advice was just what I needed. "I was engaged over a year and half ago," I began as Andy's eyes widened in surprise. The only David he knew was the self-deluded guy who had been sleeping around with any willing woman he could find. "She dumped me about a month before the wedding. I haven't been the same since."

"Is that why you ran away to the Ukraine?" he asked with a knowing glance.

I snorted as his perceptiveness. "Yeah," I agreed. "I was pretty messed up and had to get away from here for a while. That's when I started sleeping around. I was trying to drown my sorrows in meaningless casual sex."