You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About (9 page)
Authors: Dave Barry
Common Sentence Mistakes to Avoid “Run-on” Sentences
These are sentences that keep on going past the point where you should have ended them:
I don’t think you look fat in those pants any more than usual.
Upon graduating from college with honors I was hired as a sales associate by a major brokerage firm and quickly rose to the position of district manager before a time-traveling flamingo ordered me to kill my supervisor.
Sentence Fragments
Sentence fragments occur when you leave out an important grammatical element that is necessary to fully understand the sentence:
Wrong | Right |
Thou shalt not kill. | Thou shalt not kill unless thou hast an expensive legal defense team. |
We show your flight departing on time. | We show your flight departing on time, but we are lying. |
I’m afraid the biopsy shows you have cancer. Ha-ha, April fool! You should see the look on your face! But seriously, all kidding aside, it turns out you have leprosy. |
Answers to Common Grammatical Questions
Q.
What is the difference between “your” and “you’re”?
A.
Many people are confused by this because the two words are so much alike, and these people have the intelligence of corn meal. Grammatically, the difference is that “your” is used in expressions of remunerative culpability:
As the bridegroom your responsible irregardless of whomever physically shot them urinals.
Whereas “you’re” is used in connubial imprecations:
You cheating bastard, I hope Jasmine cuts you’re pecker off.
Q.
When do I use “infer” and when do I use “imply”?
A.
These two words are often used interchangeably, but, in fact, they have entirely different meanings, as we see in these examples:
Duane inferred that Clark was packing Nutella in his Speedo.
Duane implied that Clark was packing Nutella in his Speedo.
Q.
What is the correct use of “decimated”?
A.
It is correctly used in arthropodic phrases, such as:
Tina was totally decimated when she sobered up and realized there was nine legs on her forehead spider tattoo.
Q.
What about “affect” and “effect”?
A.
You should never use either of these words.
Q.
What is the proper use of the expression “moot point”?
A.
Its proper use is to defeat your opponent in an argument, as follows:
You:
Abraham Lincoln was our first Jewish president.
Your Opponent:
Lincoln wasn’t Jewish.
You:
That’s a moot point.
Your Opponent:
Very well then, I concede.
Q.
When should I use “it’s” and when should I use “its”?
A.
This depends on whether you plan to use an apostrophe somewhere else. Under international grammar rules, there can only be o [can totne apostrophe per sentence, as we see in these examples:
The dog licked it’s personal region.
Its not my fault those mango’s exploded.
A good way to remember the apostrophe rule is to memorize this simple poem:
To get it right with ease
Simply count the apostrophes
If more than one is there
Something something beware
Q.
Is there any way to tell the difference between “they’re,” “their” and “there”?
A.
Not at this time.
Q.
What is the correct usage of the word “literally”?
A.
Grammatically, it is an infractual correlative and as such it must always be preceded by the parabolical phrase “would of.”
Wrong:
I literally would of shit a brick.
Right:
I would of literally shit a brick.
Also right:
I would of shit a literal brick.
Q.
When should I use quotation marks?
A.
They are used in four situations:
1. When referring to fried foods:
Try our “delicious” squirrel fritters.
2. When identifying organized criminals:
Police arrested Joseph “Joey Two Sternums” Patchouli in connection with the rash of submarine thefts.
3. In sanitary exhortations:
All employees “must” wash they’re hands before returning to “work.
”
4. When something suspicious is going on:
“Get into my windowless van little girl you’ll be safe I won’t hurt you,” said “Uncle Bob.
”
THREE “TIPS” FOR EFFECTIVE WRITING
1. Avoid stiff, unnatural, outdated language. Don’t be afraid to sound like yourself, or even use humor where appropriate.
Wrong:
As a motivated individual, it is my sincere desire to obtain the position of employee within you’re company.
Right:
As a motivated individual, it is my sincere desire to obtain the position of employee within you’re company LOL.
2. When writing fiction, make sure your first sentence “grabs” your readers and makes them want to read more.
Wrong:
“Hurry!” said Jack.
[locem"
Right:
“Hurry!” said Harry Potter to the
Hunger Games
woman.
3. Be concise and to the point, especially when writing to busy people such as are found in Internet comment areas.
Wrong:
I respectfully disagree with you, and here are some facts supporting my position.
Right:
Your a fascist
.
S
o you’re planning to take an airplane trip. Good for you! Every year, millions of people “take to the skies” for business or pleasure, and statistically only a small percentage of them are killed.
Nevertheless, if this is your first flight, or you haven’t flown in a while, or you’re simply one of the many stupid people found in airports, you’re probably unsure about what to expect. So let’s review the basics:
Q.
I have an infant or small child. Are there any special preparations I should make for flying?
A.
Definitely. Before you leave home, gather together whatever toys, books or games you will need to keep your child occupied. Then remain home, occupying your child, until he or she is a minimum of sixteen years old.
Q.
When should I leave for the airport?
A.
You should already be at the airport.
Q.
Should I check my luggage?
A.
That depends on several factors, the main one being: Do you ever want to see your luggage again? Also, how much spare money do you have? Most major airlines are bankrupt, so they now charge hefty fees for checking your bags and other “extras” such as food, oxygen and keeping all the engines turned on for the entire flight. The notable exception is Southwest, which has remained profitable by avoiding costly “frills” such as using professional pilots.
Q.
So who is flying the Southwest planes?
A.
English majors wearing pilot hats.
Q.
What are the “do’s” and “don’ts” of airport security screening?
A.
We’ll start with a “do”: Relax! Airport security is handled by the Transportation Security Administration, which is an agency of the federal government (Motto: “A Gigantic Bureaucracy Working for You”). Some TSA procedures may seem ridiculous, but remember this: There are real terrorists out there and it’s the TSA’s job to make sure that these terrorists do not get on an airplane until they have fully complied with TSA procedures.
FACT:
No terrorist has ever boarded a domestic flight with more than 3.4 ounces of toothpaste, as far as we know.
Make sure your carry-on luggage does not contain any prohibited items, including liquids, gels, gases or solids. If you plan to wear underwear, wear it on the
outside
of your other garments so that it is clearly visible to the TSA agent ^>
The heart of the screening procedure is when you go into the “scanner,” which sounds scary, although, in fact, it’s nothing more than a giant microwave oven that bombards your body with atomic radiation. But there’s no need to worry: The scanner is completely safe for humans as long as (a) you do not remain in there longer than the recommended eight-tenths of a second and (b) TSA agents have remembered to change the power setting from
POPCORN
back to
HUMANS
after their break.
The scanner serves a vital security function: It “sees” through your clothing and captures an image of your naked body, which is transmitted to a room where specially trained TSA agents decide whether to post it on Facebook. If you would prefer not to have this happen, simply ask to have an agent grope your genitals manually. It’s your right!
The main “don’t” of airport security is:
Don’t make inappropriate jokes.
TSA agents are responsible for your safety, so they must take every possible threat seriously; if you engage in inappropriate humor, they have no choice but to shoot you.
Q.
How do I know what humor is inappropriate?
A.
You should refer to the official TSA guidelines:
TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION CHECKPOINT HUMOR GUIDELINES
Inappropriate | Appropriate |
“I have a bomb in my backpack.” | “I have a bomb in my backpack. Ha-ha! I am just joking around with you in an appropriate manner.” |
“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Anita.” “Anita who?” “Anita catch a plane, you morons.” | “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Anita.” “Anita who?” “Here is my government-issued photo ID.” |
Q. How many TSA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Five. One to screw in the bulb, and four to strip-search an elderly paraplegic woman for no apparent reason. | Q. How many TSA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. That so-called “elderly paraplegic woman” could be concealing an illegal quantity of toothpaste. |
Q.
What do I do if I make it through security?
A. You should check an airport monitor to determine the status of your flight. If it says “DELAYED,” your flight is delayed.
Q.
What if it doesn’t say “DELAYED?”
A.
Then your flight has been canceled.
Q.
What is the procedure for boarding an airplane?
A.
Most airlines board planes by income level, starting with wealthy people and working down the income ladder to the homeless. Make careful note of your boarding group, which will be printed on your boarding pass. Shortly before boarding time, a gate agent will make an announcement telling passengers that to facilitate the boarding process they should not approach the jet bridge until their group has been called. This is the signal for everybody within two hundred yards, including people who are not even on that particular flight, to charge toward the jet bridge as though the plane is the last chopper out of a city overrun by zombies.
You must join this charge
or you will not get an overhead luggage space and they will have to check your suitcase and you will never see it again.
Q.
How do I know which seat on the airplane is mine?
A.
It will be the one directly in front of the screaming infant.
Q.
When the flight attendant announces for the third time that all cell phones must be turned off immediately or the plane cannot leave the gate, does that mean I should turn my cell phone off?
A.
That announcement does not apply to you.
Q.
I’m a little nervous about flying. Is this normal?
A.
Absolutely! Believe it or not, even many airline crew members admit that flying gives them the “jitters.”
Q.
How do they handle this?
A.
They smoke crack.
Q.
What if something goes wrong with the airplane while it’s flying?
A.
There’s nothing to worry about! The pilot will simply land the plane on the Hudson River, where it will float until rescue boats arrive.
Q.
What if we’re not flying over the Hudson River?
A.
Then you will die. Basically, you should restrict your air travel to flights between New York and Albany.
Q.
But I don’t want to go to Albany.
A.
Good, because that flight has been canceled.
Q.
How do airplanes actually fly, anyway?
A.
It may seem like magic, but it’s really just basic physics. A fully loaded 747 weighs around 800,000 pounds, which sounds like a lot until you realize that it’s actually the same as just 1,231 grand pianos. Scientists tell us that to get this weight off the ground, two forces are required: engine “thrust,” which moves c wh pithe airplane forward until it is going 150 miles per hour, at which point it develops “lift” and rises into the air.
Q.
So you’re telling me that if I got a grand piano going 150 miles per hour, it would rise into the air?
A.
I’m
not telling you that.
Scientists
are telling you that.
Q.
Do you believe them?
A.
I believe they travel by train.
