You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About (4 page)

8. Gather flammable wood to make a fire. The best kind of wood in this situation is the “fire log,” which is easy to identify because it comes in a box of six.

9. Check your pockets to see if you have matches or a cigarette lighter, which of course you will not. You would not dream of smoking cigarettes because you are a modern, crunch-doing, health-conscious, risk-averse individual.

10. A fat lot of good that’s doing you now with the wolverines closing in.

11. Fortunately, there are other ways to start a fire. Position yourself over your fire log and, with a quick motion of your wrist, strike a piece of flint against a piece of steel to make a spark.

12. Just kidding! If you had flint and steel, you would not be the kind of nimrod who gets lost in the forest in the first place.

13. An old Indian trick is to rub two sticks together rapidly to create friction.

14. This method has never once, in human history, resulted in an actual fire.

15. It’s just one of those things that Indians enjoy tricking white people into doing.

16. Other examples are canoeing, face painting and “hominy.”

17. Since there will be no fire, your only hope of surviving is to stay up all night making noises that will keep animals away. Most leading wilderness survival experts recommend that you sing the “Macarena,” which goes as follows:

Something something something something something something something something,

Something something something something something something something something,

Something something something something something something something something,

Hey Macarena!

 

18. You should also do the hand motions because carnivorous animals can see in the dark. You may feel silly, but consider: Not one single person has been killed in the wilderness by animals while doing the “Macarena” since the National Forest Service began keeping records on this in 1902.

 

19. If you are still alive in the morning, carefully note the direction in which the sun rises. This will be either east or west, depending on what hemisphere you are in. Using this information, you can determine which way north and south are and, from there, you can calculate the time of day to within roughly two hours.

 

20. Another option is to look at your watch.

 

21. Carefully scan the horizon, noting landmarks—a river, a hill, a valley, a Motel 6 sign, etc. Use these to create a “mental map” of your current position.

 

22. Keeping all of this information in mind, calmly, and without panicking, run in a random direction, throwing your hands into the air and shouting, “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”

 

23. If you are anywhere in North America, within twenty minutes you will come to a Starbucks.

 

24. There, you can purchase emergency scones while the staff calls for help.

 

How to Sail a Sailboat

 

1. Figure out where you want to go.

 

2. Whichever way it is, do NOT aim the sailboat in that direction.

 

3. Aim the sailboat in some
other
direction.

 

4. Trust me, this is the way sailboaters do it.

 

5. They are heavy drinkers.

 

How to Dress

 

1. Get hold of the Sunday
New York Times
.

 

2. Turn to the Men’s Fashion section and make note of what it says the Modern Man is wearing.

 

3. Whatever it is,
do not wear it
.

 

4. EVER.

 

5. Exhibit A is “capri pants.”

 

6. A man should not wear capri pants.

 

7. This is not a matter of “taste” or “style.” This is a matter of
scientific fact
.

 

8. A man who puts on capri pants, no matter how suave and attractive he is otherwise, immediately transforms himself into a Category 5 douche.

 

9. Yes, there are foreign countries where many men wear capri pants.

 

10.
Nkqu10. one of these countries has ever won a war.

 

11. Yet for decades now, the
Times
has been trying to get American men to wear capri pants.

 

12. I don’t know why the
Times
does this.

 

13. It just seems to have a men’s capri pants bee in its bonnet.

 

14. Or perhaps the men’s capri pants industry has obtained photographs of the
Times
men’s fashion editor in a compromising situation with an underage Shetland pony.

 

15. But whatever the reason, every six months or so, the
Times
declares that capri pants are the “Hot New Trend for the Modern Man.”

 

16. Of course the vast majority of American men are not stupid enough to fall for this.

 

17. Tragically, however, there are a pathetic, desperately insecure few who do.

 

18. We call these people New Yorkers.

 

19. Another example is scarves.

 

20. There are times when a man
should
wear a scarf.

 

21. For example, if he is competing in the Iditarod.

 

22. But a man should never wear a scarf in warm weather, or indoors.

 

23. Nevertheless, several years ago—we assume the
Times
was also behind this—thousands of New York men suddenly started sporting long, flowing scarves everywhere they went, including probably the shower.

 

24. It was like a mass audition for
Lawrence of Arabia
.

 

25. Fortunately, the Scarf Trend ended, although it was followed by the Hipster Ironic Fedora Trend, which was actually worse.

 

26. As a general rule, do not wear “ironic” clothing unless you wish to make the bold fashion statement: “I’m still living off my parents.”

 

27. Also, be aware that there is an appropriate time to wear a tank top and that time is not when you are in a restaurant or airport.

 

28. People do not go to those places in hopes of catching a glimpse of your armpits.

 

29. Finally, never wear any designer clothing on which the designer logo is taller than the actual designer.

 

30. I am looking at you, Ralph Lauren.

How to Order a Bottle of Wine in a Restaurant

 

1. Look at the wine list and tell the waiter which wine you want.

 

2. When the waiter brings it to you, take a sip.

 

3. If it’s OK, say it’s OK.

 

4. Then shut up about the wine.

5. Don’t talk about the wine anymore.

 

6.
Nobody gives a shit how much you know about wine, OK?

 

7. And, for God’s sake, don’t keep holding your glass up and sloshing the wine around and looking at it as if it’s magical unicorn blood.

 

8. It’s
wine
, for God’s sake.

 

9. In an hour it will be urine, same as Bud Light.

How to Jump-start Your Car When the Battery Is Dead

 

1. Obtain a working car from somewhere and park it next to your car.

 

2. Or, if the owner isn’t around, you could just take off in the working car.

 

3. No, that would be wrong.

 

4. On both cars, locate the hood, which is a big flat piece of metal in the front with bird poop on it.

 

5. Open both hoods. There will be a button or lever inside the car on the driver’s side that you need to push or pull, and then a latch somewhere under the front of the hood that you need to reach in and release. So your best bet is to use a crowbar.

 

6. Locate your car’s battery. It will be a black box partly covered with a whitish-greenish fuzz. This is car leprosy.
Do not touch it.

 

7. Obtain some jumper cables from somewhere.

 

8. Call 911 and let them know there might be an emergency soon.

 

9. Do this next part VERY, VERY CAREFULLY OR YOU WILL DIE.

 

10. Connect one end of the
red
jumper cable to the
positive
terminal (also called the ignition or carburetor) on your car’s battery. Then connect the other end of the red cable to an electronic part such as the radio of the opposing car. Repeat this process
in the opposite order
with the
black
jumper cable, taking care to reverse the polarity.

 

11. Try to start your car. If the engine explodes in a giant fireball, something is wrong.

 

12. Maybe you should have somebody else try to start your car while you go get coffee a minimum of 150 yards away.

 

13. If by some miracle your car actually starts,
do not turn it off ever again
.

 

14. When you drive, be alert for further signs of trouble such as a flickering of your headlights, which is an indication of a problem in your electrical system; or a collision with a building, which is an indication that you forgot to put the hood back down.

How to Ride a Horse

 

1. Always approach the horse from the southwest at an eighty-degree angle, bearing in mind that the horse hates you, and with good reason, because it knows you intend to sit on it.

 

2. Then e#9;2.&# horse would like nothing more than to kick you in the head and then poop all over your unconscious body.

 

3. Establish dominance by making eye contact with the horse. This is not a figure of speech: You should literally press your eyeballs against the horse’s eyeballs. This lets the horse know that you are just as crazy as it is.

 

4. Mount the horse by firmly grasping the fetlock, inserting your foot deep into the bridle and, with a thrusting motion, raising yourself until your thighs are straddling the horse’s loin quarters.

 

5. At this point, it is perfectly normal for both of you to be sexually aroused.

 

6. The way you get the horse to start moving depends on whether you are riding “English” or “Western” style:

 

English style:
Gently flick the reins.

Western style:
Discharge your sidearm into the air.

7. Steer the horse by tugging on the reins, which are attached to its mouth. This signals to the horse that you enjoy inflicting pain on it.

 

8. Note that in English-style riding, a
left
tug will turn the horse
right
.

 

9. Keep riding the horse until you think it is too tired to bite you, then stop it by steering it into a hedge, or, if you’re riding Western style, a saloon.

 

10. To get off the horse, give the command “Kneel!” If the horse fails to obey, you will have to stay up there until help arrives with a ladder.

 

11. Western riders may use their sidearms to signal distress.

How to Perform Emergency First Aid

 

1. Making a conscious effort not to whimper, evaluate the overall situation. Is anybody actually hurt? If nobody is, you probably do not need to perform emergency first aid, although for legal reasons it does not hurt to slap on a few tourniquets just in case.

 

2. If there is a victim, determine whether he or she is conscious by singing a few bars of the Barry Manilow classic “Copacabana.” If the victim is conscious, he or she will try to hit you.

 

3. Keep the victim calm by administering several brisk facial slaps and shouting, “CALM DOWN, DAMMIT! DO YOU WANT TO DIE??”

 

4. Very Important: Before attempting any treatment, find out whether the victim has insurance or is planning to pay with cash.

 

5. Determine what specifically is wrong with the victim by looking for medical symptoms such as paleness (which can indicate hominy), dilated pupils, shortness of breath, a knife handle sticking out of the victim’s eye socket or a major limb such as a leg lying detached more than fifteen feet away from the remainder of the victim.

 

6. Check for fractures by giving all of the victim’s remaining limbs a hearty yank. The victim will let you know which limb is fractured.

 

7. Whatever the problWeser the em appears to be, apply direct pressure. Everybody agrees on this.

 

8. Also remember the “ABC” rule of first aid:

 

A

B
one

C
oming out through the skin is very bad.

9. If the victim appears to be woozy or “out of it,” you will need to perform immediate brain surgery. Every second counts, so
do not wait for the paramedics
. Using a sterilized surgical saw or clean sharpish rock, carefully cut around the circumference of the victim’s head just above the ear line and lift it off the top of the skull to expose the brain. When you see what the problem is, apply direct pressure to it.

 

10. If the victim is feeling bloated, use a six-foot length of bamboo to administer a field enema.

 

11. To induce vomiting, force the victim to watch an episode of
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
.

 

12. Often you can lure a tapeworm out of the victim by placing tapeworm treats
*
on the ground in the vicinity of the victim’s butt, then loudly making statements such as, “We’ll just leave these treats here unguarded!”

 

13. If the victim is choking, the most likely cause is either something blocking the victim’s airway, or an alien creature about to burst out from the victim’s chest. Whatever you do,
do not let it get into the escape shuttle
.

 

14. When the ambulance arrives, ask the paramedics if you can operate the siren.

 

15. Be sure to apply direct pressure.