You Know You Love Me (15 page)

want her again. It wasnt just any girl whod sew a gold heart into your clothes. He had
that right.

Serena had to pee desperately, but she couldnt face being in the bathroom at the same time
as Blair. After Blair and Nate had been gone for five minutes, though, Serena couldnt hold
it any longer. She stood up and headed for the ladies room.

Familiar faces gazed up at Serena as she passed their tables. A waitress offered her a
glass of champagne. But Serena shook her head and hurried down the marble hall to the
bathrooms. Quick, heavy footsteps smacked on the floor behind her, and she turned around.
It was Cyrus Rose.

Tell Blair to hurry if she wants dessert, will you? he told her. Serena nodded and pushed
open the door to the ladies room. Blair was washing her hands. She looked up, staring at
Serenas reflection in the mirror over the sink. Cyrus says to hurry if you want dessert,
Serena said abruptly, walking into a stall, and banging the door shut. She pulled down her
underwear and tried to pee, but she couldnt, not with Blair in the room. Serena couldnt
believe herself. How many times in the past had she and Blair gone to the bathroom
together, talking and laughing while they peed? Too many times to count. And now Serena
felt so uptight in Blairs presence she couldnt go? It was a total mindfuck. There was a
quiet, awkward pause. Dont you just hate awkward pauses? Okay, Serena heard Blair say
before she left the bathroom. The door swung shut and Serena relaxed and started to pee.

Cyrus caught Nate in the mens room. You and Blair have a fight? Cyrus asked. He unzipped
his pants and stood at the urinal. Lucky Nate. Nate shrugged as he washed his hands. Kind
of, he said. Let me guess, it was about sex, right? Cyrus said. Nate blushed and pulled a
paper towel out of the dispenser. Well, sort of . . . he said. He really didnt want to get
into it. Cyrus flushed the urinal and joined Nate at the sinks. He washed his hands and
began fussing with his tie, which was bright pink with yellow lions heads on it. Very
Versace. Read: tacky. The only thing couples really fight about is sex and money, Cyrus
observed.

Nate stood there with his hands in his pockets. Thats all right, kid. Im not going to give
you a lecture or anything. This is my future stepdaughter were talking about. Im sure as
hell not going to tell you how to get into her pants. Cyrus chuckled to himself and left
the bathroom, leaving Nate to stare after him. He wondered if Blair knew Cyrus was
planning on marrying her mother. Nate turned on the tap and splashed cold water on his
face. He studied himself in the mirror. Hed been up late last night with the boys, playing
stupid drinking games to Tomb Raider. Every time they saw Angelina Jolies nipples, they
had to drink. Hed tried to drown his thoughts of Blair and Serena in as much booze as he
could swallow, and now he was paying for it. His face was pale, there were brownish-purple
circles under his eyes, and his cheeks were hollow. He looked like shit. As soon as this
damned brunch was over, he was heading into the park for a smoke in the sun and couple of
tall-boys. The perfect cure-all. But first hed have to flirt with Blair a little bit.
Enough to make her want him again. Atta boy.

Instead of going back to her table when she left the ladies room, Blair wound her way
across the room, looking for Kati and Isabels table. Blair! Over here! Kati called,
patting the empty chair next to her. Their parents and friends were working the room,
socializing, so the girls had the table to themselves.

Here, Isabel said, handing Blair a glass full of champagne and orange juice. Thanks, Blair
said, taking a sip. Jeremy Scott Tomkinson just came over and tried to get us to come to
the park with him, Kati said. She giggled. Hes kind of cute, you know, in a Waspoid kind
of way.

Hey, cool word! Isabel turned to Blair, rolling her eyes. Isnt this boring? Hows your
table? Dont ask, Blair said. Guess who Im sitting with? The other two girls sniggered;
they didnt have to guess. Have you seen that billboard of her? Isabel asked Blair. Blair
nodded and rolled her eyes. Whats it supposed to be, anyway? Kati said. Her belly button?
Blair still had no idea. Who cares? She has no shame, Isabel ventured. I actually feel
kind of sorry

for her. Me too, Kati agreed. Well, dont, Blair said fiercely. Grrr.

Nate pushed open the mens room door at exactly the same time that Serena pushed open the
ladies. Together, they walked down the hallway back to the table. Nate, Serena said,
smoothing her new brown suede skirt over her legs. Can you please explain why youre not
talking to me?

Im not not talking to you, Nate said. See, Im talking to you right now. Barely, Serena
said. What happened? Whats wrong? Did Blair say something to you about me?

Instinctively, Nate reached into his jacket pocket and fingered the flask of whiskey that
was hidden there. He looked down at the marble floor, avoiding Serenas beautiful sad eyes.
We should get back, Nate said, speeding up.

Fine, Serena answered, trailing after him slowly. She had that sour salty taste in the
back of her throat again, the taste of tears. Shed been holding them back for too many
days now, and she could feel a tidal wave coming on. All of a sudden she would start
sobbing, and she wouldnt be able to stop. When Nate and Serena took their places at the
table, Chuck smirked at them knowingly. How was it? his face seemed to say. Serena wanted
to hit him. She ordered another cup of coffee and dumped four teaspoons of sugar in it and
stirred and stirred, like she was trying to stir a hole through the cup, the saucer, the
table, and the floor, burrowing her way into some old pharaohs tomb where she could cry
and cry and no one would find her. Nate ordered a Bloody Mary. Bottoms up! Chuck said
cheerfully, banging his glass against Nates and taking a big gulp. Blair was back at the
table. She had already devoured her cr�me brulŽe and was working on her mothers. It was
full of chicken abortions, but she didnt careshe was going to throw it all up in a minute
anyway. Hey Blair, Nate said softly, causing Blair to drop her spoon with a clatter. He
smiled and leaned across the table. That looks awesome, he said. Can I have a bite? Blairs
hand fluttered nervously to her heart. Sexy Nate. Her Nate. God, she wanted him. But she
wasnt going to give up that easily. She had her pride.

Blair regained her composure and pushed her plate toward him, reaching for her drink and
downing the rest of it in one big swallow. You can have the rest, she said, and stood up.
Excuse me. Then she clacked away in her heels to stick her finger down her throat in the
ladies room.

Some lady.

Disclaimer: All the real names of places, people, and events have been altered or
abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me. hey people! I thought S looked cute in
her picture in the Sunday Times Styles section. Although her teachers probably werent
thrilled to see her double-fisting martinis on a school day. To tell you the truth, Im
kind of over the whole thing. I mean, isnt it enough that we have to see that picture of
her every time we use public transportation? Obviously youre not over it yet, though.

Your E-mail

hey gg,i went to the show at the gallery and looked for ur picture. very sexy. i like ur
column too. u rule.Bigfan

Dear Bigfan, As long as you are not a stalker, I guess Im flattered. GG

Dear Gossip Girl, When I saw S s picture in the paper, I had an idea!! Are you S ? If you
are, you are very sneaky. Also, my dad loves you and wants you to write a book. Hes got
lots of connections. If you tell me who you are, he can make you famous. JNYHY

Hey JNYHY, You are very sneaky yourself. And not to brag or anything, but Im already kind
of famous. Infamous is more like it. All the more reason for me not to tell you who I am.
GG Sightings

D was seen returning a gorgeous Armani tux at Barneys and renting a much less gorgeous one
at a formal store. His sister J was seen buying underwear at La Petite Coquette, although
she chickened out on the thong. N was seen buying a big bag of pot in Central Park. Tell
me something new. B was seen in the J. Sisters salon getting another Brazilian wax. The
old one must have started to itch. S was seen with her feet out her bedroom window,
letting her toenails dry. I dont think shes ever spent this much time at home in her
entire life. Maybe she should get a cat or something. Meow.

TWO QUESTIONS

First: If you knew about a party that you werent invited to, wouldnt you go, just to piss
people off? I would.

Second: If youd made up your mind to go to the party, wouldnt you want to really rub
peoples noses in it by looking completely gorgeous and stealing everyones boyfriends?
Definitely. But who knows what S will decide to do. That girl is full of surprises. . . .

At least Ive given us all something to think about while were getting our pedicures,
plucking our eyebrows, and squeezing our zits. See you at the party!

You know you love me,

Ugly, ugly, ugly, Serena said, wadding her new black dress into a ball and tossing it onto
her bed. A gorgeous Tocca dress? Come on, how ugly could it be? Each day that week, Serena
had dressed in her maroon uniform, gone to school, come home, watched some TV, eaten
dinner, watched some more TV, and gone to sleep. She even did some homework. She spoke to
no one except her parents and her teachers and maybe a passing greeting to the girls at
school. She was beginning to feel only half-there, like the shadow of her former self, a
girl people had known once, but couldnt quite remember anymore. And for the first time in
her entire life, she felt ugly and awkward. Her eyes and hair looked dull to her, and her
beautiful smile and cool demeanor had been roped off until further notice. Now it was
Friday, the night of the Kiss on the Lips party. And the question she couldnt answer: to
go or not to go?

It used to be, before fancy parties like this, Serena and her friends would spend half the
night getting dressed togetherswilling gin- and-tonics, dancing around in their underwear,
trying on crazy outfits. But tonight Serena rummaged through her closet alone. There was
the pair of jeans with the rip in the leg where shed snagged them on a barbed-wire fence
in Ridgefield. There was the white satin dress shed worn to the Christmas dance in ninth
grade. Her brothers old leather jacket. Her moldy tennis shoes that should have been
thrown out two years ago. And what was this? A red wool sweaterNates. Serena held it to
her face and smelled it. It smelled like her, not him.

Toward the back of the closet was a black velvet flapper dress that Serena had bought with
Blair at a vintage store. It was a dress to wear while drinking and dancing and lounging
around decoratively in a huge house full of people having a good time. It reminded Serena
of the good-time gal shed been when she bought the dress her old self, the girl shed been
up until two weeks ago. She let her robe drop to the floor and slipped the dress on over
her head.

Maybe it would give her back some of her power. Barefoot, she padded into her parents
dressing room, where they were getting ready for their own black-tie affair. What do you
think? Serena asked, doing a little twirl in front of them. Oh, Serena, youre not wearing
that. Tell me youre not, her mother exclaimed, fastening a long rope of pearls around her
neck. Whats wrong with it? Serena said. Its an old ratty thing, Mrs. van der Woodsen told
her. Its just the sort of dress my grandmother was buried in. Whats wrong with one of
those outfits you bought with your mother last weekend? Mr. van der Woodsen suggested.
Didnt you buy anything to wear to the party? Of course she did, Mrs. van der Woodsen said.
She bought a lovely black dress. That makes me look like a fat nun, Serena said grumpily.
She put her hands on her hips and posed in front of her mothers full-length mirror. I like
this dress. Its got character. Her mother sighed disapprovingly. Well, whats Blair
wearing? she asked. Serena stared at her mother and blinked. Under normal circumstances
she would have known exactly what Blair was wearing, down to her underwear. And Blair
would have insisted on going shoe-shopping together, because if you bought a new dress,
you had to have a pair of new shoes. Blair loved shoes. Blair told everyone to wear
vintage, Serena lied. Her mother was about to respond when Serena heard her phone ring in
her bedroom. Was it Nate calling to apologize? Blair? She raced down the hall in her bare
feet, scrambling to pick it up. Hello? she said breathlessly. Yo, bitch. Sorry I havent
called in a while. Serena took a deep breath and sat down on her bed. It was Erik, her
brother. Hey, she said. Saw you in the paper last Sunday. You are crazy, arent you? Erik
laughed. What did Mom say? Nothing. Its like I can do whatever I want now. Everyone thinks
Im like, ruined or something, Serena said, fumbling for the right words. Thats not true,
Erik said. Hey, whats up? You sound sad. Yeah, Serena said. Her lower lip started to
tremble. I sort of am. How come? Whats going on? I dont know. Theres this party Im
supposed to go to that everyones going to. You know how it is, she began.

That doesnt sound so bad, Erik said gently. Serena propped her pillows against the
headboard of her bed and wriggled under her comforter. She rested her head against the
pillows and closed her eyes. Its just that no ones talking to me anymore. I dont even know
why, but ever since Ive been back its been like I have mad cow disease or something, she
explained. The tears began to fall from underneath her closed lids. What about Blair and
Nate? Those guys must be talking to you, Erik said. Theyre your best friends. Not anymore,
Serena said quietly. Tears were streaming freely down her face now. She picked up a pillow
and dabbed it against her cheeks to ebb the flow. Well, you know what I say? Erik said.
Serena swallowed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. What? Fuck em. Totally. You
dont need them. Youre like, the coolest chick in the Western Hemisphere. Fuck em, fuck em,
fuck em, he said. Yeah, Serena said dubiously. But theyre my friends. Not anymore. You
just said so yourself. You can get new friends. Im serious, Erik said. You cant let
assholes turn you into an asshole. You just have to fuck em. It was a perfect Erikism.
Serena laughed, wiped her runny nose on a pillow, and threw it across the room. Okay, she
said, sitting up. Youre right. Im always right. Thats why Im so hard to get ahold of.
Theres a huge demand for people like me, he said. I miss you, Serena told him, chewing on
her pinky nail. I miss you too, Erik said. Serena? Were leaving! she heard her mother call
from out in the hall. Okay, I better go, Serena said. Love you. Bye. Serena clicked off.
On the end of her bed was the invitation to the Kiss on the Lips party that Jenny had made
for her. She snatched it up and tossed it in her wastepaper basket. Erik was right. She
didnt have to go to some stupid benefit just because everyone else was going. They didnt
even want her there. Fuck em. She was free to do what she pleased. She carried the phone
over to her desk and shuffled through a pile of papers until she found the Constance
Billard School student directory, which had arrived in the mail on Monday. Serena read
through the names. She wasnt the only one skipping the party. She could find someone else
to hang out with.