You Make Me (9 page)

“Argh,” I said out loud. I had a phone case that had Van Gogh’s starry night on it and I flipped my phone face down so that was what I saw instead of the screen. I didn’t want to stare at it, willing him to reply.

Then I opened my door. It was a perfect way to invite a distraction. With an open door, any of the other girls walking by would talk to me, at least for a minute or two. Almost immediately Janice stopped to tell me that her boyfriend was being a dick. While she leaned on my desk, I tried not to fidget when I heard my phone buzz, not once, not twice, but three times. Three texts in rapid succession. I looked at it, knowing I couldn’t reach around Janice and grab it.

She paused in the middle of bitching that Pierre, her Canadian hockey player boyfriend, had told her that her butt was juicy.

It was. There was no denying it. But it was the good juicy. I could see how perfectly her butt perched on my desk and there was no doubt in my mind he had meant it as a compliment.

“Do you want your phone?” she asked. She reached behind and grabbed it and handed it to me.

I had a moment of panic when the screen was right side up but she never even glanced at me. I took it, saw it was Heath then folded my arms with it tucked under by my side. I would read it in a minute. “It was totally meant to be a compliment, Janice. He probably meant he wants to get some of that. Like he thinks your butt is delicious.” That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say, but I was distracted. I was usually more eloquent. “You have a great ass, seriously.”

“So why didn’t he just say ‘hey, I love your ass?’ That I would have been okay with.”

“He was probably trying to be romantic.” She had my sympathy. “You are dating a hockey player. They’re not known for being Romeo.”

She sighed. “I’m going to go to the store and buy some ice cream. Might as well really make my ass juicy. Want to come with me?”

“No, thanks. I have to study.” And check my phone. The second she left.

“Okay, cool. I’ll catch you later.” She peeled herself off the desk and started towards the door.

I whistled. “Nice butt!”

She laughed. “Thanks, Caitlyn. It’s like Mastercard- everywhere you want to be.” She did an exaggerated sexy walk out the door, capping it off by smacking her own ass.

Normally, I loved hanging out with my sorority friends. But tonight the minute she was through the doorframe I gave an audible sigh and unlocked my phone without taking the time to go and close my door.

I’ve been better.

I’ve been worse.

How are you?

It wasn’t much, but then again, I’d asked him a hugely generic question. I was just relieved he’d answered and it wasn’t to tell me to go to hell.

I started to write ‘bored.’

That wasn’t true. Besides, I didn’t want him to think that I was the type of person who just texted every guy in her phone when she was bored.

So I told the truth.

I’ve been thinking about you.

Good or bad thoughts?

Good. Confused thoughts. Can we be friends, do you think?

I ached for that. To be able to sit with him and laugh. To have someone in my life besides Tiffany, who had been like a younger sibling at the time, who knew me back home. Before college. Before my father died. When I had lusted for life and the need to get out of Vinalhaven. When I had rolled my eyes at what people thought, not constantly striving to meet a certain standard.

We will always be something. Come downstairs and let’s talk about it.

I frowned at my phone. Was he in my sorority house? Was he hanging out with someone I knew? A hot nasty wave of jealousy crashed over me.

What do you mean?

Look outside your window
.

Uh… I went to the window and moved the blinds so I could see outside. I saw him immediately on the sidewalk near the driveway of the house next door. Just standing there, staring up at my window. I felt his eyes on me. Like he could actually see me inside my room, behind the slats of the blinds, like our eyes were meeting.

What are you doing?
I asked.

Sometimes I walk at night. And sometimes I might walk by your house.

It should have been weird, creepy. Maybe it was. But I couldn’t deny that I felt a certain excitement, a thrill that he was looking for me the way I was looking for him. I had no excuse to walk by his apartment but I had been scouring the campus for him, hoping I would see him, knowing I wouldn’t. Unless he was with Darla, and I absolutely did not want to see them cuddling up together, holding hands or whatever.

He felt the same pull to me I had always felt to him.

Or at least that’s what I wanted to believe.

I’m coming down
.

Good.

I pulled on boots and my coat and a knit hat. I wasn’t sure how long we would be outside. I wasn’t even sure what I was doing, exactly. Running down the stairs I stuffed my keys and phone in my pocket and made my way down the walk. He had moved further down the street, away from the house. He was protecting me from prying eyes. Or that’s what it seemed like. Either way, it was a good thing. I didn’t need questions or gossip. I hadn’t been talked about since high school and I didn’t want a return to those days, being those of girls that everyone looked to hate on.

“Hi,” I said, when I finally caught up with him. I felt eager and reserved at the same time. I had contacted him, but now I didn’t know what to say. Or rather how to explain to him my feelings.

“Hi.” He gave me a searching look. “Friends, huh? Is that what you want?”

I fell in step beside him, not sure how to answer that. We had been friends, but we’d been so much more than that. It was a weak term to describe how we should feel about each other, but I didn’t know another one for it. “Yes. I don’t want to know you’re ten minutes away and I can’t ever talk to you or see you.”

He didn’t speak for a second. When he did, he didn’t acknowledge what I’d said. “Where is frat boy tonight?”

I expelled air through my nose, frustrated that he brought up Ethan first thing. “He’s in Boston for the weekend.”

“Is that why you’re texting me? Because he’s gone?” His tone was casual, but there was a bite behind it.

Heath was walking next to me, but there was no closeness between us. He was being remote, treating me with a certain amount of disdain. I knew why but I still hated it. It felt very strange to be near him but not be allowed to touch him. To know his facial expressions, his gestures, his body so intimately, yet have to maintain distance. It seemed natural to touch, unnatural not to reach for him.

“He knows that I have communicated with you. I’m not hiding that.”

“Well, good for you.” He might as well have rolled his eyes.

That made me put my hands into my pockets, withdrawing even more. “Don’t make me feel bad. I’m trying to do the right thing.”

He made a sound of frustration. “I know. I’m sorry. I just didn’t… shit, Cat. I mean, sure, I figured at some point there would be a guy. I didn’t think you were sitting at home alone, not when you’re you, and guys would be interested, chasing you.”

That seemed a ridiculous exaggeration, but I just made a sound of disagreement, waiting for him to continue.

“But I didn’t think it would be
the guy
. One that you would want to marry. How would you feel, honestly, if I were engaged to a girl? Or married?”

The thought made my mouth dry. I chanced a glance at him. He was only wearing a sweatshirt even though the temperature was in the thirties. The darkness hid some of his expression, but I knew him well enough to know he was asking in seriousness, not spite.

“I wouldn’t like it,” I admitted. “I would be hurt.” A lot. Unimaginably so.

“Yeah,” was all he said. “So that’s why I’m not sure about the whole friends thing. I don’t know if I can pretend that it’s all okay. I don’t think I can see you.”

The urge to slip my hand into his was so strong that I buried both deeper into my pockets. “I can’t accept that. I just can’t. You owe me that after the way you left.”

He stopped walking and stared at me. “Cat. I’m not stupid enough to stick around just so you can punish me.”

Flustered, I shook my head. “That’s not what I mean. I’m not trying to punish you. I just can’t…” Be without him again. But that seemed too melodramatic to say.

He worked his jaw for a minute, then he sighed. “So if we’re friends I guess we should talk about friend things. Like I should ask you what you’re studying. Art education like you always wanted?”

Swallowing hard, I shook my head again. “No. I’m studying economics. The plan is to be a mortgage broker.” I had almost forgotten I’d wanted to be a teacher and a cross country coach, or at the very least had shoved it to the back of my mind.

“Are you kidding me?” He sounded appalled. “What the hell made you decide to do that?”

“It’s practical.” I sounded defensive. I felt defensive.

“It’s boring,” he said emphatically. “And totally not you. I cannot see you sitting in an office in a fucking blouse.”

“A blouse?” I snorted. “That is an uptight word.” Definitely not his usual vocabulary.

“It’s an uptight job.”

He had a point, but I didn’t have to admit that. I was the one who was going to have to pay rent and a car payment and pay back the student loans I was living off of. I was planning a realistic future, not dreaming.

“So what are your plans?” I asked. “Are you going to enroll at UMaine?” Heath had never talked about any particular ambitions. Mostly he had talked about not being poor. Not being beholden to anyone but himself.

“No. I’m only here for one reason.” He glanced over at me.

I sucked in a breath at the intensity of his gaze.

We had reached the end of the block and were standing under the branches of a huge oak tree on one side, a streetlight on the other. He narrowed his eyes at the sudden light. I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure how I would feel if he gave the wrong answer. I wanted to hear that he was there for me. But I was afraid it had nothing to do with me at all, so I said nothing. I just waited for him to expand.

He did. He lifted his hand and tugged a little on the front of my knit hat. “You look cute in this hat. I came for you, you know. It’s the only reason I’m here.”

It was the right answer. But I wouldn’t have expected it to be as painful as it was. It hit me like a fist in my chest, leaving me breathless. I suddenly wanted to cry. It wasn’t fair that he was there and yet I couldn’t have him.

Because there was no question that I wanted him. I had always wanted him. I didn’t remember time before wanting him.

But I wanted Ethan too.

Which made no sense at all.

“Does that mean you’re leaving soon?” My voice was wobbly. If he hadn’t got what he came for, he might not stay, and that seemed as unpleasant a possibility as him being there while we tried to manage an awkward friendship.

“Not until spring.”

Relief made me sigh, shoulders dropping. “Then what?”

“Going back to Vinalhaven. I’m going to work for Reggie. Eventually get my own boat.”

Reggie was his former boss. So Heath was going home to be a lobster fisherman. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. But he had never felt the same way about the island that I did, like he needed to leave and prove something. “Wow. That’s great, Heath. I’m happy for you.” I meant that, sincerely.

If we couldn’t be together, somehow it helped to picture him home, on a boat.

“That’s a goodbye,” he accused. “A dismissal.”

I wasn’t sure if it was or not. Maybe it was protective. Like I knew he was leaving and that would be it for us. It was already it for us, but as long as he was close by I could pretend. Indulge in seeing him. Like eating cookies in the dark until they’re all gone. “Not a dismissal. But I don’t plan on going back.”

“I don’t get that. You loved growing up on the island. You loved the freedom.”

I couldn’t deny that. I had definitely loved being barefoot in summer, bundled up in winter, away from prying eyes, out on my own, throwing sticks and climbing rocks. “I was a tomboy, wasn’t I?”

He gave me a smile. “Nothing boyish about you at all. But you were free spirited.”

A shiver made me jerk a little, but it was from the wind. That’s what I told myself. I started walking again. “It’s cold tonight, we should keep moving.”

It was an obvious change of subject. He didn’t let me do it.

“Why do you want to force yourself into a town, into a job, into a life that’s nothing like who you are?”

There was a niggle of fear in the back of my mind that he was right, but it was the smarter thing to do. Jobs were scare back home, rentals hard to come by. Plus everyone knew me in Vinalhaven, good and bad. Not to mention Ethan would never concede to live where he’d have to take a ferry to get to work. “What would I do back there? There’s no point in getting a degree if I’m going to just go home.” It wasn’t an exact answer to his question, but it was a truthful response.

“Then yes, it’s goodbye.”

Everything in me screamed no. That wasn’t how this could end. It was so unsatisfying after everything. It was so… muted.

“Do you love me?” I asked before I could stop myself.

The question felt more important than anything else.

I had to hear him say it loud. Just one last time. To hold to me forever.

Chapter Eight

I wasn’t even sure why I said it. I knew it wasn’t fair to ask. I knew that I was only hurting him and myself. He’d already admitted he’d come back to see me.

He reared back, burying his hands in his hair. “Fuck. Don’t do this to me. Seriously. Don’t. You know I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I was sniffling, and his face blurred in front of me from my tears.

“But you’re not in love with me
enough
. Or if you are, you’re not willing to risk your perfect world for me.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks. “It’s not that simple.”

“Everything is simple.” His tone was angry. “You either want to be with me or you don’t and I’m not stupid enough to stick around and watch you marry what’s-his-nut while you keep me in your world with some lame ass friendship. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”