You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (28 page)

Your main goals should be to improve your work relationships and limit the time you spend in interactions that are difficult for you. You may decide that you can and should make some behavioral changes. You may decide
that you should change your job or career. You may decide that you’ve already made the correct choices and are happy with them.

If you decide that some changes are in order, move slowly and thoughtfully. Although you need to base your decisions on your individual strengths and weaknesses, don’t forget to include your family in the decision-making process.

Maintaining friendships, surviving in
group encounters and interacting on the job aren’t easy tasks. But developing intimate relationships can be even more challenging. In the next chapter, we’ll turn to the Art of Relating, Acts IV and V. We’ll watch some scenes taking place in dating and family relationships. These higher-risk relationships share some elements with the ones we’ve already examined. But they are unique in their depth
and complexity and require special care and nurturing. We’ll offer some specific ideas you can use to make them work successfully.

Chapter 8
The Art of Relating: In the Dating Game and the Family

T
he “rules” of dating and family relationships are similar to those of group and one-to-one relationships. The level of complexity and emotional investment is very different, however. And the stakes are much higher if the relationships fail.

Act IV: The Dating Game

Sharon and Brad

Sharon returns from work to the four messages Brad
left on her answering machine. She told him last week that she doesn’t want to see him anymore, but he is unwilling to accept her decision. He’s sure that she doesn’t really mean it.

He drives to her apartment complex late each night and leaves notes under her windshield wipers. He calls her at work several times a day and shows up at her door with flowers and gifts. Brad is heartbroken because
he knows that Sharon is the only woman with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life. Sharon doesn’t know it, but she is Brad’s third “only woman I’ll ever love” in the past year. Brad falls deeply in love—again and again.

Angela and Simon

Angela and Simon spend every waking hour together. They are truly in love, and Simon is planning the perfect time and place to propose to her. He met Angela
just a few weeks ago but wines and dines her almost every day.

As weeks turn into months, Angela begins to orchestrate some conflicts that prevent her from seeing Simon. When they are together they have a wonderful time, but Angela is beginning to feel a bit closed in. One afternoon she asks Simon to stop by her house. When he arrives, another man answers the door. He tells Simon that Angela
is busy and can’t see him now.

Notes: Act IV

With the exception of Sharon, all the actors in the preceding scenes have ADD. We can only speculate about why Brad, Angela and Simon feel compelled to behave as they do.

Brad may approach his new relationship as he approaches projects at work—with intensity and impulsivity. He may be accustomed to making quick decisions and getting things done in
a hurry. Unfortunately he doesn’t understand that he can’t control the women in his life the way he does the facts and figures on his sales plans.

Brad’s problems with his relationships may also result from his battered sense of self. He may be one of the walking wounded, believing that he can be emotionally whole only when he has a “better half.” Men and women alike can have unrealistic expectations
about being saved by a relationship.

Angela’s behavior reflects her insatiability. Although she genuinely enjoyed Simon’s company during the first months of the relationship, she became bored. She has an ADDer’s tendency to become absorbed quickly in relationships and to become bored by them just as quickly. As the initial, intense stimulation
of her romance has dwindled, so has her interest
in it. Although Angela probably doesn’t chart her conquests, she may leave a trail of discarded partners, including Simon, as souvenirs of her frequent, intense affairs.

Simon’s impulsivity may also play into the demise of his relationship with Angela. He drives the relationship with his need for closeness. Angela’s insatiability aside, she may be terrified that Simon will “swallow” her individuality.
Given time, it’s possible that her love for Simon would win out over her fears of closeness. But she never gets the chance because Simon’s intense need for closeness tips the precarious balance of their relationship much too quickly. Angela would rather lose her love than her identity.

Synopsis: Act IV

It sounds pretty gloomy, doesn’t it? Is it time to head out to a hermit’s hut? Well, if you’ve
been paying attention—sorry, we couldn’t help it—you know how we feel about doom and gloom. It’s fine for disaster movies on the big screen but it’s counterproductive to your recovery.

Dating relationships are vulnerable to an ADDer’s intensity and impaired communication skills. His enthusiasm or sparkle can be a strong magnet that initially attracts his love interest. But over time, his level
of intensity can suffocate his lover. She’s left gasping for breath and backing away to get some space. The ADDer, comfortable with the intense pace, may not recognize his lover’s need for a gradual progression to closeness.

In a romantic or sexual relationship, an individual risks revealing himself big-time! The risk can be greater for the ADDer who has failed so many times and in so many different
ways. His generalized feelings of inadequacy, born of differences he’s never understood, can explode when he bares his soul and body to a partner. When he dares to reveal himself to a lover who subsequently rejects him, he can suffer a serious blow to his fragile self-worth.

Some adults experience ongoing difficulties in intimate relationships because they regard them as safe ports from their feelings of inadequacy. Even with our changing society, many families still condition their daughters to believe that the roles of wife and mother will protect them. An ADD woman’s life of negative experiences can reinforce this myth. She may believe that the only escape route
from her demanding life is through a wedding ring and then a diaper bag. She comes to view a partner as a lifeline or safety net and may scare suitors away with the weight of her clinging dependency.

We didn’t use these stories to illustrate what
will
go wrong in your relationships but what
might
go wrong. An ADD adult’s differences can contribute to problems in maintaining intimate relationships.
By understanding the dynamics of your disorder you will have taken a step in the right direction. If you’re aware of potential hazards, you can be prepared the next time you meet someone special, to stop and think before you act.

Having clarified our message—an important part of positive communication—we’ll look at some ways to avoid the pitfalls and improve the quality of your relationships.
Here are a few pointers on successfully playing the dating game.

Survival Tips: Act IV

Play Hard to Get:
It is not a good idea to utter the words “I love you” after just a few dates! Watch your partner’s signals for clues about the progress of the relationship. Use the dynamics of approach and withdrawal behaviors to your advantage. Even if you immediately set your sights on your new love interest,
play hard to get for a while. This keeps the desire and fear of closeness in proper balance until the other person has time to catch up with your willingness to make a commitment!

This approach may sound somewhat manipulative but it doesn’t have an evil intent. Let’s face it, an ADD adult has to carefully plan many aspects of his life to make them work. Why should relationships be any different?
After all, the hard-to-get approach is just a variation of learning to stop, think, act and reflect, right?

Monitor the Relationship:
Spontaneity is a lovely thing but ADDers can get in trouble when freedom reigns. To a certain extent, you’ll need to approach intimate relationships as you do everything else—with careful planning and ongoing monitoring. Keep your finger on the pulse of the relationship.
If your partner seems skittish, back off and lighten up! When the intensity level is too high, be less available for a while.

Don’t swing too far in the other direction either. You can chase a love interest away with your apparent indifference. Relationships require continual work and maintenance. The challenge for an ADDer is to sustain attention to the relationship over the long haul.

Work
at your communication skills. Remind yourself to listen to your partner, ask questions to draw her out and pay attention to moods and nonverbal clues.

Don’t Lose the “Me” in “We”:
Be sure to maintain your usual interests when you begin dating someone new. This will help you keep a reasonable distance from the relationship, to prevent your total immersion in it. This will also help you maintain
your own identity.

Watch Your Impulsivity:
Impulsive behavior can create an assortment of problems in an ADD adult’s life. In a sexual relationship, it can cause life-threatening trouble! In this day of serious sexually transmitted diseases, more than emotional well-being is at stake. It’s wise to wait a while before beginning any sexual relationship.

You may need to make some rules for yourself
to prevent impulsive decisions. Talk to a trusted friend who seems to be in control of his life. Ask for his advice. How long does he think a person should wait before having sex, saying “I love you” or living with a new romantic interest? Ask how long he thinks a person should know a lover before marriage.

Use this information to make a vow to wait X amount of time before taking any of these
steps. Enlist your friend’s help with your vow. In many support groups, a sponsor helps the individual stick to his
program
. Your friend could become the sponsor you call on when you’re having trouble sticking with your program—that is, your rules for dating behavior.

Stop and Think:
If you’re feeling restless just thinking about such an unbearably slow pace of a relationship, use your imagination
and consider this: Visualize a
whole lifetime of restlessness
with a spouse who bores you to death! Visualize a giant vise systematically tightening down and squeezing out all your hard work at recovery and rebuilding your sense of self. You are
worth too much to throw away your progress by impulsively hooking up with someone who is wrong for you. The consequences of an impulsive marriage can
be heavy, particularly if children are involved.

Act V, Scene 1:
The Art of Relating in the Family

Now we’ll examine the most complex kind of relationship. We’ll introduce you to the Baker family to help us explore the unique issues of family interactions. The family includes Jan, Tom and their three biological children, Amy, Zachary and Jennifer. Each of the five members of the family has ADD,
although each has slightly different problems associated with it.

Tom

A successful real estate broker, Tom is extremely restless, hyperactive and irritable. He earns a good living but the family experiences ongoing financial crises. Everyone in the family spends the money as quickly as he can earn it. Tom has a Jekyll and Hyde personality that changes at the drop of a hat. He flips back and
forth from an enthusiastic, fun-loving man to an irritable, withdrawn grouch. Jan and the children are always a bit afraid of him.

Jan

Jan isn’t particularly moody or hyperactive. She is more of a gentle space cadet. She has trouble organizing the household and disciplining the children. She is so overwhelmed by the demands of life that she just lets them wash over her. Having few reserves of
energy to gain control of her life, she manages to do little more than survive each day.

Amy

The oldest daughter, Amy, is an extremely bright, chronic underachiever. She has always been a maverick. She has problems following rules and fitting in with other children. She’s continually in trouble at home and at school. Amy shares her dad’s
symptoms of moodiness, impulsivity and hyperactivity.
At thirteen, she’s becoming increasingly rebellious, refusing to take her Ritalin and hanging out with a group of kids who take drugs.

Amy and her dad have an explosive relationship since they both regularly fly off the handle. She and her mom don’t argue a lot but they have a tenuous relationship. Amy treats Jan with contempt, not even attempting to hide her low opinion of her mother. She can’t
understand why Mom is so wishy-washy about everything.

Zachary

Ten-year-old Zachary is quiet and rather passive. He doesn’t make waves. He struggles in school and receives only mediocre grades despite putting in long hours doing homework. He’s anxious most of the time and has a number of health problems including asthma, severe allergies and frequent stomachaches. He’s shy and has trouble making
friends.