You Might Be a Zombie . . . (14 page)

THE FIVE MOST FREQUENTLY QUOTED BULLSHIT STATISTICS

EVERY
once in a while, we hear a statistic so startling we can’t believe it’s true. Our first impulse is to repeat it, because knowing interesting things tends to make people like us better. That’s why facts tend to survive based on how interesting they are, rather than whether they’re true.

The five most quoted “too awesome to be true” stats that are as fake as they sound:
5. YOU ONLY USE 10 PERCENT OF YOUR BRAIN

You’ve heard it since you were a child: We only use 10 percent of our brain. Just think what we’d be capable of if we could tap into the rest! It’s appealing because it means that if we worked hard enough, we’d be able to set fires with the power of our minds.

Why is it a load of crap?

The parts of the brain are specialized, so trying to use all of it at once isn’t going to make you smarter, just more confused. That’s like trying to become a better writer by using every key on your keyboard all at once.

A series of neurologists over the past few hundred years figured out that a human can survive when parts of the brain are removed, which over time was misinterpreted to mean that the brain uses little of its potential, and the 10 percent statistic was born.

Who was fooled?

Not only do people still believe it, in 2006
Psychology Today
even ran an article on how to access the lazy 90 percent of your gray matter.

One of the tips was to replenish the brain with nutrients, but we’re assuming we get plenty with all the spiders we’re eating every night. Oh, you didn’t know?

4. YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOW APPROXIMATELY EIGHT SPIDERS A YEAR

This commonly believed statistic has been fed to us by countless Internet chain emails: When you sleep, you open your mouth to breathe and supposedly this is the ideal window of opportunity for all the spiders who hang out near your bed, hoping to be eaten alive.

Why is it a load of crap?

Back in 1993,
PC Professional
columnist Lisa Holst decided to prove that you could make up anything on the Internet and people would believe it.

She did this by putting together some utterly ridiculous “facts,” the spider myth (taken from a col ection of insect folklore that dates back to the 1950s) among them, and unleashing them on the world in the form of an email.

As Holst’s email was forwarded from inbox to inbox, it began to evolve. The spider thing stayed, but somewhere along the line someone just “happened” to forget to include the fact that these facts were completely fake.

Who was fooled?

In 2006, the UK’s
Daily Mirror
warned that “the average person will swal ow anything from eight to 20 spiders before they die.”

The
Mirror
then upped the ante by adding, “A spider is also likely to drink from your eye at least
three
times in your life. Some experts have suggested they are attracted by the vibrations of snoring and the smel of undigested food—a good reason to floss your teeth before bedtime.”

Real y, is that what it takes to get the UK to worry about dental hygiene?

3. MEN THINK ABOUT SEX EVERY SIX SECONDS

As we all know, men do nothing but think about sex with their girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or friend who happens to be a girl/friend’s sister. It fol ows, then, that on average men think about sex every six seconds, right?

Why is it a load of crap?

Hey, fel as, when you were reading the spider-eating segment, did you think about sex? Were you imagining a massive spider orgy? If so, you’re alone (obviously). According to the Kinsey Institute, close to half of the men they surveyed said they don’t even think about sex every day, let alone every six seconds. Even if men did think about sex that frequently, how would they be able to break it down to such a precise rate of perversion? Hook electrodes up to some dude’s head and count how many times the sex lobe lights up in a week?

Who was fooled?

About half of us believe this fact, according to a 2007 pol conducted by mencanstoprape.org. It seems like common sense would have squashed this one even before it got started. Let’s say you watched a four-hour marathon of
Matlock
, a show during which it is physical y impossible to think about sex. To make up that average later, you’d have to think about sex every, what, two seconds? So for the rest of the day your brain would just turn into a spinning kaleidoscope of titty.

2. AFTER EATING YOU MUST WAIT THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE SWIMMING

For some families, the harsher “hour” rule was used. If you broke the rule, the fear was that you would get cramps, drown, and die. This statistic is apparently based on the assumption that water-to-skin contact will cause the food in your bel y to explode.

Why is it a load of crap?

Because you’re not a gremlin. As you may have already guessed, water does not bear properties that form a food-related cramp of death. Getting into the water after eating will have no more effect on your body than going for a walk.

This one’s just an old wives’ tale that slowly became popular over time. Supposedly, your stomach is using oxygen to digest food that your muscles need to swim. In actuality, the amount of oxygen your body needs to swim is more than satisfied, whether or not you’ve eaten.

Who was fooled?

Plenty of books and websites offer swimming tips that still buy into the thirty-minute rule. Go to any pool party with children, and we guarantee you’l hear

someone’s mother squawking about it.

1. CHRISTMAS CAUSES SUICIDE

It might be true that Christmas has become commercialized, but people general y seem to enjoy it. Aside from the stress, family you hate, travel, and the junk lying around the house, of course. And the music.

When we hear that suicide rates jump during the holidays, it’s easy to believe. Especial y if you’ve ever spent a Christmas drunk and alone, eyes tearing as you sat in your apartment watching your favorite Christmas movie from childhood (
Die Hard
).

Why is it a load of crap?

According to Canada’s Centre for Suicide Prevention, the suicide rate actually goes down significantly around the holidays.

While it’s depressing as hel to be alone on Christmas, the truth is that most of us aren’t. It’s hard to commit suicide when there are people around constantly trying to get you to wear ugly sweaters. Depressed or not, most people aren’t big enough dicks to let the kiddies find them hanging over the Christmas tree with a note pinned to their chest.

Who was fooled?

Just about every newspaper in the country tends to climb on board. In 1999, a press release was issued to major newspapers warning against reporting the myth. During the holidays that same year, the Annenberg Public Policy Center found that two-thirds of newspaper articles mentioning the word
suicide
cited the mythical stat.

In the general population, whether or not you believe this stat tends to depend on how much you hate Christmas. When we’re miserable, we like to project it on other people and assume they’re all miserable too. And if thinking that other people are suicidal makes you feel a little less suicidal yourself, then go for it.

NATURE
inspires mankind’s greatest ideas. The vivid colors of the setting sun might be reflected in an abstract masterpiece. The simple, rugged lines of a mountain range could serve as inspiration for an architectural wonder. The gentle caress of ocean waves lapping on the beach may be heard undulating in the symphonies of Mozart.

Or we could just shove nature into a gun and kil people with it. We do that a lot too.

4. BALL LIGHTNING CANNON

What is it?

Bal lightning is a phenomenon that usually occurs during thunderstorms and is often mistaken for fire or, in the South, a UFO. It’s quite similar to ordinary lightning, but it’s much rarer, lasts longer, and comes in a playful bal shape, presumably just to mess with your head. Science really doesn’t know a ton about it, beyond the fact that it’s astoundingly dangerous and notoriously unpredictable. So obviously scientists started trying to weaponize it the moment it was discovered. Nobody’s gone public with how successful they have actually been, but Dr. Paul Koloc has been working on it for at least thirty years.

Koloc’s not one of those PhDs with pretentious fake goals like “advancing understanding” or “doing good”—no, his goal is now and has always been to create a functioning plasma cannon. He cal s it the Phased Hyper-Acceleration for Shock, EMP, and Radiation, or PHASER, because he’s a triple-threat guy: deadly, bril iant, and a giant nerd.

A bal lightning-based weapon would theoretical y destroy man and machine alike. It would be useful for shutting down electronics, shooting down missiles, stopping car engines, or just barbequing square-jawed do-gooders while the operator laughs maniacal y and screams electricity-based puns from atop a giant robot spider.