You Only Live Once (9 page)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

BACK TO BAD

As soon as we flew back from South Africa I had to rehearse intensively for my appearance at the Horse of the Year Show in early October. I only had two weeks to prepare when ideally I would have liked at least two months! But I hadn’t been able to ride for over six weeks after my surgery, plus we’d had the South Africa trip. It was a lot of pressure because I had a dressage piece along with two other riders to learn from scratch. Admittedly I wasn’t competing, as this was only a showcase, but it would still be a test of my riding abilities and I would be judged on it. Of course, I only had myself to blame as it had been my idea in the first place. We were doing a stand for my KP Equestrian range and a signing at the Horse of the Year Show and I had suggested that I perform a dressage showcase. I wanted to prove that I was a serious rider who was passionate about the sport. But now, as time was so tight, I was almost regretting my big mouth!

I chose the music for the piece, and included the track ‘Mysterious Girl’ as I wanted Pete to feel included. I even asked him if he wanted to come and sing live while I performed. The event was going to be live on SKY and I thought it would be a good opportunity for both of us to show off what we could do. I knew Pete was dying to perform his music live. OK, it was a song that he had sung many, many times over the years and he wanted to move away from it, but it was still a chance to sing live. And after our time away in South Africa, I thought this would be a great opportunity for us to work together, to show that we supported each other, and to hold on to that closeness that we’d rediscovered. But Pete didn’t want to perform the song.

I don’t think he realised what a huge event this was in the horse world – it was the biggest show of the year and so it was a big deal that I was going to perform there. To me this was like a dream come true – it’s what every rider dreams of doing. It was one of those moments when you wish you could meet your teenage self and say, ‘Just look what I’m doing now! Can you believe it?’ I had to go to the stables every day, often twice a day, to practise my routine for hours at a time. Sometimes I would have to go in the evening because I was working during the day. I had to rehearse with Andrew and with another rider called Henry Boswell, who were both performing the showcase with me. Our timing had to be spot on – there was no margin for error. But while I was happy to be working on this routine and getting it as near-perfect as I could, back home it was a return to the tense atmosphere. I hated things becoming like this again when we had been getting on so well together.

I was feeling hurt and worn down by the constant rows, getting sick and tired of living like this. There was no fun or sparkle in my life. If it wasn’t for my riding I don’t know what I would have done. It was my one escape. The only chance I had to be me.

And the press were yet again saying that we were splitting up. They were full of stories saying that I was being cruel to Pete, mocking his music, putting him down . . . but that was all complete crap. We were still convinced that someone close to us was selling stories to the press, but we didn’t know who. All these things piled on the pressure.

But I was given a boost when the organisers of the Horse of the Year Show told me that they had sold out of tickets for my showcase. Dressage rarely features in the press so I felt I was helping raise its profile and showing that it didn’t matter what background you came from, you could still be a good rider. All my family and friends supported me whole-heartedly and were proud of me, but I was still getting that negative vibe from Pete.

I travelled up to Birmingham the night before the show with my very own support entourage of my mum, dad, sister, Gary, Phil, Michelle and Jamela. I’d wanted Pete to come up with us too, but he didn’t. I don’t know why.

Although he did drive up on his own the following day, I can’t say the atmosphere was any better between us. Then it was time for my big moment: the showcase. Both Andrew and Henry are exceptionally talented and experienced riders, and I will most likely never reach anything like their standard, but I was determined to do my best. I did feel extremely nervous before I went out into the arena on Jordan’s Glamour Girl. It was packed with some eight thousand people – not that I knew that then, I found out later – and there was a great sense of anticipation and excitement coming from the audience. It was the first time I had ever performed a dressage showcase and it was the first time for my horse as well. I had no idea how she would react in front of the crowds. Initially she played up a little and I had to really fight to get her under control. She is sixteen hands three inches which, take it from me, is big, but I managed and I think people respected me for that.

Our routine was five minutes long, which doesn’t sound much but, believe me, feels like for ever when you’re in front of thousands and are being filmed and going out on live TV. But it went well and I got great feedback from the crowd, who seemed to love it. I knew my performance wasn’t perfect but I was still proud of it. I’d only been learning dressage for six months. To me, performing a showcase at the Horse of the Year Show felt like one of my biggest achievements ever. Though I don’t just want to do showcases, I want to compete too. I know that I am never going to be a top dressage rider – I would have to dedicate my whole life to it, which I can’t do, and I would be fooling myself if I thought I could ever be the best as there are some amazing riders out there who have been doing it most of their lives. So reports that I was going to be in the Olympic team were wildly exaggerated! But I do want to compete, just for myself, to see how much I can improve. And I can’t wait for the day when Junior and Princess compete in horse shows – I will be the proudest mum there!

After the showcase I had lots of press interviews to do, not just with the tabloids but also the broadsheets, and the following day there was really positive coverage about the event. I had made all the nationals and the organisers were very pleased. So pleased that they asked me to perform in the finale on Sunday. Whether people liked me or not, I felt they should at least be pleased that I was bringing dressage to public attention because usually it is overlooked. I did come in for a bit of stick for wearing a glittery jacket and my full glamour girl make-up, but I wasn’t competing so I felt I could. At least I was wearing dark colours. The organisers should count themselves lucky I didn’t come out wearing pink! After the Horse of the Year I received lots of offers to do other showcases but I don’t want to be seen by people in the horse world as someone who just performs showcases. I want to compete alongside everyone else.

I had hoped that Pete would be pleased by my success. After my performance and interviews we all went to get something to eat. There was large group of my friends and family, plus Andrew and Polly and Henry and his girlfriend. This should have been a chance for us to celebrate together, but as Pete and I weren’t getting on it put a downer on the occasion. It had been such a big achievement for me, and I’d got such a buzz from it, but as soon as I saw Pete looking so moody, I thought, ‘Fuck, why can’t we just celebrate my success?’ I felt so angry.

I ended up turning to him and saying, ‘You may as well go if you’re just going to sit here and be negative.’ I didn’t want him to but he was bringing me down and ruining what should have been a fantastic experience. To me, appearing on Horse of the Year had been brilliant. I had loved it and felt on such a high. Why couldn’t Pete get that? Unfortunately he took me at my word and ended up leaving. What the hell was happening to my marriage?

After he left I had to get on with the signing for my equestrian range. It was actually a relief that Pete wasn’t around any more. I’m afraid more and more of my marriage had become like this. There were still good days but there were many bad days. All too often Pete and I would be having a go at each other. At one point I noticed that my dad and Nicola had left and wondered where they had gone but thought no more about it. The signing went well. As ever it was great meeting my fans. Then I happened to check my phone and discovered a text from Pete that really worried me. He didn’t sound like himself at all.

Then Mum told me that he had suffered a panic attack on the way home, and that my dad and Nicola had had to pick him up and drive him home as he was in such a bad state he wasn’t able to drive himself. Pete had suffered from panic attacks in the past before I had met him, and when he was recovering from meningitis he had suffered from them again. I’ve suffered from them myself in the past and know how frightening and overwhelming they are. I felt terrible because I had told him to go. I’d had no idea that this was going to happen. I phoned Pete but he couldn’t answer as he was still in such an emotional state. So I texted him to tell him that I was sorry about the attack, that I loved him and I wanted our marriage to work out. That was what I always said to him throughout this time. I just wanted him to realise how much we had going for us – we had a great life together, beautiful children, we lived in a big house, we were so lucky. We had everything we wanted, didn’t we?

* * *

It was during the autumn of 2008 that I noticed a change in Pete, which all my friends and family commented on as well. He seemed to have a new air of confidence about him. By then he knew that he was going to record his album in LA in the New Year and was very focussed on that. He began working out regularly at a gym – we had already signed up to do the London Marathon the following April. He also started getting in contact with his old friends again, including some of the dancers he had worked with in the past, and would invite them over to the house. I was fine about having people over, but it was quite a change for him as he hadn’t asked them over before. Then he started to go out a little more at night, which was very uncharacteristic of him. He even went clubbing once or twice and he’d always claimed he hated clubbing. It felt to me as if he was saying, ‘It’s my turn to be in the spotlight now, Kate, so step back.’ And while I wanted him to do well with his music, I couldn’t help feeling that he wasn’t being very nice about it. He just wasn’t being the Pete I knew – the one who was such a lovely, open and easy-going guy.

I was starting to feel by then that we had lost some of the spark between us. And it was so sad. I couldn’t help feeling that we were growing apart and I hated it. I felt that we no longer had the closeness we’d always shared. I would know that when I came home after work and walked in the door, Pete wouldn’t look pleased to see me and my heart would sink. You want to come back to a happy home, don’t you? Not a miserable one.

But however bad things got between us, I never considered walking out on him – I really did want us to try and make it work. I would only have considered ending our marriage if he was unfaithful or if he walked out on me.

CHAPTER TWELVE

LA BLUES

In early November we flew to the Maldives for a week with Princess. Although things had been tense between us, we both wanted to put things right. As we knew that we had got on so well on our recent trip to South Africa, we hoped that this trip also would help. The press made out it was a last-minute bid to try and patch things up in our marriage, but I was still hopeful that things hadn’t got nearly as bad as that.

We chose the same resort we’d been to on our honeymoon, which had such happy memories for us – the five-star Conrad Maldives Rangali Island – and stayed in the same villa. I love it out there; it really is as close to paradise as you can get. We were staying in a luxury waterside villa which you reach by a little wooden walkway, so you’re surrounded by the calm, turquoise blue Indian Ocean as far as your eye can see and behind you is a beautiful white sand beach. I always feel I can relax out there.

Once again we didn’t take our phones. Although that was good for our stay as it meant we didn’t have any distractions, it wasn’t so great when we were ten minutes away from Heathrow and Pete realised he hadn’t got his passport with him and we couldn’t call anyone to bring it to us! So we missed our flight.

But when we finally got there, a day late, it was brilliant. We completely relaxed, had some lovely times with Princess, ate good food, sunbathed, swam and had treatments. I’m surprised I wasn’t rubbed away by the number of treatments I had! We also trained in the gym for the Marathon and it was good to do something together that wasn’t about work or being filmed. Because Pete had been working out so regularly he was pleased that he was losing weight and toning up and I was pleased for him, though as I’ve said before I really didn’t think he needed to. Back then I always thought he was gorgeous even if he didn’t have a six-pack. I still felt quite wary about having sex, after the surgery, but we did. I felt as if we were getting close again, and we planned to come back the following November and bring all the kids with us. It seemed whenever we were away together and there were no cameras on us and no one else around, away from everything, we got on really well. Sadly, in just over six months I would be back in the Maldives, but this time on my own after Pete had left me . . .

Practically as soon as we returned home, there seemed to be tension between us again. Pete was spending more and more hours at the gym, and the rest of the time working on his music. I could see that our marriage was changing and not for the better. We were drifting apart. The press continued to write negative stories about our relationship. There was one saying that we didn’t want to be together any more but realised that we couldn’t break up as we were a business and a brand. It was unbelievable – I would only stay with someone for love. Fame and money are nothing to me compared to that.

The next big work commitment we had coming up was our trip to LA in January 2009 to film the latest series of our reality TV show –
Katie and Peter: Stateside
. By then I was so unhappy with the lack of control I had over filming and the fact that I played no part in the running of the production company. In fact, I hadn’t wanted to sign the contract for the latest show. But I knew Pete would be devastated if he couldn’t record his album in LA, he had been working so hard on his music and I didn’t want him to lose out, so reluctantly I did end up signing it. I think I had stayed with our management CAN because Pete was with them and had known them for so long. I was worried about the impact on him and me if I ever left them, and that our diaries might not be coordinated then, which might cause further tension. But, increasingly, I had come to see that I did need to take action and make some changes to the way I was managed.

We were going to be out in LA for three months filming the show and I had very mixed feelings about that. For a start it was going to be hard for me and Pete to sort out our problems because the cameras were going to be on us. ‘Maybe a change of scene will help us,’ I tried to convince myself. But it was no good, I was already apprehensive about the trip. Apart from the Maldives holiday, we’d been getting on so badly that the thought of being away from home, and from the support network of my family and friends, was stressing me out. In contrast, I think Pete was looking forward to the trip as he was going to be recording his album. And he knew that I would be away from Andrew.

There was so much we needed to plan first. My top priority was getting the right school for Harvey. He was so happy and doing so well at his school in the UK, I really wanted him to have an equally great experience in the States. We could have got him private tuition at home but I wanted him to go to school so he could socialise with other children. I knew that there would be so much he would like about America, from the flight over – because he absolutely loves planes – to swimming in the pool in the sunshine. I always used to worry about taking him somewhere different, but increasingly as he got older I felt excited about seeing how he would respond to a new school and hoped that he would make good progress there. My mum, who does so much for Harvey and me, was brilliant at researching American schools and found one which seemed perfect: the Junior Blind of America School.

It was very important to me that Harvey went to a school which didn’t involve a lot of travelling, and that would really determine where we lived in LA. Of course, location was important for our work as well but to me Harvey was the most important factor. It was easier planning for Princess and Junior as we decided that they would go to nursery a couple of days a week and on the other days get involved in playing golf and tennis, the same activities that they do in the UK. And I wanted Princess to take up ballet and tap – if she wanted to. I’ve never been one of those pushy mums who want their kids to do activities all the time, but I do think it’s good for them to try different things.

I was happy that Pete would finally be able to finish recording his album. Music has always been his passion and I wanted him to have a successful music career again. I also hoped that there would be further work opportunities for me in the States as well. Our management were coming out with us and staying for three months and Claire assured me that we would be doing lots of interviews and shoots with the celebrity mags to help raise our profile. She also said that she had contacted chat shows to try and get us on, and I was especially pleased when she told me that she had contacted Oprah and hoped to set up an interview for me where I would appear with Harvey and talk about what it was like being a mum to a disabled child.

I was especially keen to do the interview with Oprah as Pete had discovered some really despicable chatroom sites in the US which were commenting on our imminent arrival and writing vile racist abuse about Harvey and abuse about him being disabled – calling him among other things ‘a disabled black c***’ and ‘monkey boy’. I was absolutely shocked to the core to think that anyone could be so cruel and vicious about an innocent child, and that made me even more determined to have Harvey with us in public and show everyone that he is a lovely little boy. Yes, he can be hard work but he’s adorable when you get to know him. I’m not ashamed of him; in fact, I’m incredibly proud of him and everything he has achieved, and I’m not going to hide him away.

I certainly didn’t think that I was going out to try and ‘break’ America, whatever some of the UK press made out. So many stars from this country have tried that and failed. Of course, deep down I would like to be successful out there. Who wouldn’t? And I had all my existing business ventures and products which had sold very well in the UK, and was keen to see if I could make something of them in the States. I had even put together a portfolio detailing all my books and products, so that I could hand it out to the relevant people in business and the media in the US.

As our departure date grew closer I started to feel a bit more optimistic. Everything seemed to be falling into place. Our management said that they had found us an amazing house, Harvey’s school was sorted, our nanny was coming out with us, along with my mum, to help settle Harvey into school. I hoped that we would all be able to enjoy the experience and get something out of it. I also hoped that Pete and I would be able to do some fun things together, like go to some film premieres and meet up with some of the celebrities that I know out there, including Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra. So I did go out with an open mind.

However, from the moment we arrived in LA things went wrong. The first problem was with the house we were staying at. Our management had rented us a huge Italian-style villa in Malibu. Although I had been to LA many times before I had tended to stay in the heart of Beverly Hills, which I love, and had not actually been to Malibu and so had no idea how far from Beverly Hills it was. It was an hour’s drive. It was an amazing sevenbedroomed mansion with a gym, cinema and games room, swimming pool and incredible views, but I didn’t want to spend all my time there. I couldn’t help feeling stuck in the middle of nowhere.

But the house was just the tip of the iceberg! I hated my time out in Malibu. They were three of the worst months of my life. It was there that the filming really got to me. I had had enough of it. Pete was so taken up with his album that I hardly saw him, and when I did see him we argued because I was so stressed out by the constant filming.

I wanted to work and get the most out of my time in LA, but I ended up doing a lot less than I had expected in the three months we were there. Apart from filming our reality show we just did a couple of shoots for magazines over there and a shoot for
OK!
, plus some radio and TV interviews. I also appeared on a chat show in New York and on some TV show about plastic surgery. Nothing ever came of the idea that I should appear on
Oprah
. Claire tried to reassure me that I shouldn’t worry. She’d arranged for the buggies and cribs from my planned baby range to be sent over from the UK together with my new perfume, perhaps to reassure me, and show me how much I had going on.

But, of course, when Pete left me, I lost the baby range and the perfume, and it took over a year for me to bring out my new ranges . . .

This lack of work and new opportunities really got to me. I have worked since the age of seventeen and am not used to sitting around doing nothing. And it wasn’t as if we were on holiday, because the cameras were on us practically all the time it felt. The house in Malibu was supposed to be a home for Pete, me and the kids, but we would often find the camera crew wandering in without knocking, as if it was a film set. As I’ve already said, I didn’t get on with them and was sick of being filmed. I think it’s true to say that I had lost all trust in the crew. Whenever I knew they were trying to film me in the house, I would deliberately go a different way so they couldn’t . . . which is one of the perks of staying in a mansion!

They always wanted to get my reaction to everything and I hated that, it seemed so fake to me. For example, if they had done up the house, and I hadn’t seen it, they would want to catch me going, ‘Oh my God! Look at that! Isn’t it amazing?’ But instead I’d just walk in and pretend nothing had changed, so they couldn’t get their reaction shots. When I appeared on two TV shows in the States, the crew were waiting to film me afterwards and would say to me, ‘What was it like?’ And I knew they wanted me to gush about my feelings so I would reply, ‘It was fine,’ knowing full well that I hadn’t given them what they wanted. But
I
wanted to say, ‘Fuck off! You know what it was like because you’ve just filmed it!’ I didn’t click with that particular crew at all, which makes it very hard when you’re filming a reality show.

And Claire would want to set up new activities to film with Pete and me and the kids, like suggesting that we should all play together in the pool as it would make a good scene. And I’d reply, ‘No! I don’t fucking want to get in the pool! This is supposed to be a reality show, I don’t want to fake playing with my kids. It’s the Katie and Peter Show not the Katie, Peter and Kids Show.’ My view is that if the kids happen to be in a scene, then OK. I didn’t want scenes to be engineered around them.

Because there were no work commitments to film us going to, apart from Pete in the recording studio, Claire would set up activities for us to do, such as going bowling or roller-blading, but to me that just seemed fake. I would never usually do those things, so why film them? And roller-blading was a nightmare because of the paps who followed us everywhere, trying to get their shots. It wasn’t fun at all. I was more concerned with trying to breathe in than with learning to skate, as you would be if you had all these cameras clicking away at you, knowing that a shot of you looking dodgy could easily end up in a mag.

Oh, yes, and the weather was shit. It rained and was chilly! I was trapped in this bloody mansion, in the middle of nowhere, when we should have been out there enjoying ourselves. I had hoped that when we were in the States Pete and I would actually be able to spend some time together, go out and do some fun things. But we were hardly ever alone and we hardly went out. Practically the only time we got to be on our own was when we went running, in training for the Marathon. My only friends were the nannies – and thank God for them! They would tell my mum that they felt sorry for me, stuck out in Malibu, with nothing to do and Pete giving me a hard time.

I can count on one hand the number of times we went out, including the night when we both went to the Elton John Aids Foundation Oscars party. And not even that went smoothly as the dress I had chosen in London got stuck in customs and it was a rush to get another one for the event. There was a report in the press about some designer not wanting to lend me something to wear because I didn’t have the right image for her. Well, bollocks to that. I didn’t even ask to borrow one of her dresses because I hadn’t ever heard of her! And anyway I was lent a pair of £400,000 diamond earrings, which beats a borrowed dress any time. I can’t exactly say it was a great night as Pete was watching me to make sure I didn’t drink so I didn’t even have a glass of champagne, even though everyone else was. And I only wanted one glass; I wasn’t going to get caned!