Your Love Is King (22 page)

As I washed my face, there was a knock at the bathroom door.

“Marli, are you all right in there?” It was Chris’s mom.

I opened the door. “Yes, ma’am. I think I have a bug or something. I hope I don’t give it to Chris or Tiffany,” I said and then turned back to the sink.

“Are you sure you’re not pregnant,” she asked.

I spun on my heels. “What?” I hadn’t even considered the possibility of being pregnant. It just hadn’t occurred to me. I never felt this sick when I was carrying Tiffany.

She raised her eyebrows. “Well, I assume that you and Chris have been together, you know,
in the Biblical sense
. Could it be possible that you’re pregnant?”

I shook my head. “No,” I lied. I just couldn’t deal with that right then.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, ma’am. I should go. Chris is already upset.”

“Okay, well, we’ll be over with Tiffany after a while. We’ll call when we’re on our way.”

“Okay, thank you.”

I left the Kings’ house and made a stop at the drugstore before heading home to Chris.

Twenty-Three

“In Another Time”

I arrived home to find Chris right where I’d left him—sitting on the couch. But now there was a duffel bag sitting on the floor beside him, and he was fully dressed. He’d even shaved.

I stood by the door for a few minutes and tried to get my head together before walking into the living room. “I’m home,” I said. “You going somewhere?”

He looked up at me and smiled. It was the first time I’d seen a smile on his face since Russell died. It was a wonderful sight to see.

He stood up and kissed my cheek. “Yeah, I got a call from Herb Gentry. He wants me in his band.”

My eyes widened. “
The
Herb Gentry? Of the Herb Gentry Ensemble? I didn’t know you knew him. You never mentioned it.” The Herb Gentry Ensemble was a world-renowned jazz group known for its soothing, jazz tunes and flawless, live performances in small, intimate venues. It would be an honor for anyone to be chosen to play with them.

“Well, he saw The St. Louis Kingsmen perform in Memphis awhile back, and he approached me, said he liked our sound. He took my number and said he’d be in touch. I thought he was calling for the whole band, but he just wants me. Can you believe it? He wants
me
to perform with his ensemble.”

I shook my head. “All of this happened just in the time I was gone?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Amazing, huh?”

I looked away from him. “So you’re going?”

He placed his hands on my arms and laughed. “Well, yeah! Baby, this is the chance of a lifetime. How can I say no? His people have already booked a flight for me and everything. My plane leaves in a couple of hours. I really think this is what I need. I think I’ll feel better if I can get away for a while.”

I looked down at the floor and wondered what I should do or say at that point.

“What’s wrong? You look upset,” Chris said.

I looked up at him and blinked back tears. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you to stay. I’ll… I’ll miss you.”

He pulled me close to him. “Baby, I’ll miss you, too. But I’ll only be gone for four months.”

“Four months?” I backed out of his arms and shook my head. “Four months is too long.”

He frowned. “Too long for what?”

I wiped the tears from my cheek. “Nothing. Go ahead. It’s what you wanna do.”

“Marli, what do you mean it’s too long?  Are you saying that you won’t wait for me?”

I sat down on the couch. “I don’t know if I
can
wait, Chris.”

He kneeled in front of me. “What are you talking about? It’s only
four months,
baby. I’m no good to you here right now. I need to get away and clear my head, and when I get back, we can go ahead and get married. I’ll be able to be a husband to you.”

I stared down at my hands in my lap. “What am I supposed to do in the meantime, Chris? I quit my job and I’m miles away from my home. Am I just supposed to sit here all by myself and wait?”

I looked up to see a shocked look on his face. He was quiet. I had a feeling he wasn’t sure what to say.

I looked him in the eye. “You haven’t even considered me in all of this, have you? You just expect me to say okay and go along with this and sit here in
your
condo and wait for you, don’t you?”

Chris sat down beside me. “I… I’m not trying to hurt you, and I don’t wanna lose you, Marli. I’m not leaving
you
. I just need to get away for awhile. I thought you’d understand.”

Tears began to crowd my eyes again. “I
do
understand, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. You don’t need my approval, you don’t have anything tying you to me, and you don’t owe me anything. Just… just go ahead.
Leave.
”
You were gonna do it anyway. Everybody does.

He placed his hand on my cheek. “Will you be here when I come back?”

I rubbed my finger across his lips and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

He shook his head. “I don’t wanna go unless I know you’ll be here when I get back.”

“I can’t promise you anything, Chris. All I can say is, if we’re meant to be together, we’ll be together.”

He leaned in and kissed me softly. “I love you, Marli.”

“I know you do, Chris. I know you do. I love you, too.”

He stood from the couch and picked up his duffel bag. I watched as he walked toward the front door and then turned and looked at me. “Please wait for me, Marli.”

I looked at him but didn’t reply. After he walked out the door and shut it behind him, I leaned back against the sofa and cried like a baby. I should’ve told him that I might be pregnant. I knew I should’ve, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear the thought of him sticking around only for that reason. The last relationship of mine that was based on an unplanned pregnancy had ended disastrously. I just couldn’t go through that again.

I sat there for most of the night and listened to my phone ring over and over again. I ignored the calls from Chris, Tiffany, Chris’s parents, and Carla. I sat there and tried to figure out what to do.
Should I actually stay here in Chris’s condo and wait for him? Should I go back to Arkansas? Or should I just leave for someplace else altogether new?
I had enough money saved up to start a new life anywhere I wanted to.

Finally, I left Chris’s place and drove to the club where I’d first met him. Disregarding the possibility of being pregnant, I ordered a drink, sat at a corner table, and nursed my sorrows. When a tall, average-looking brother approached me, I let him sit at my table and woo me with a bunch of corny come-ons and pick-up lines. And when he invited me to his hotel room, I readily accepted.

In his room, I let him kiss me and caress me and undress me while I closed my eyes and pretended that he was the man I loved. I tried to feel Chris’s touch in this stranger’s hands. I tried to feel Chris’s lips in this man’s kisses. I tried to feel Chris’s love through this man’s lust. I tried, but I failed. As the man continued on his quest to consummate our one-night union, I gently pushed against him to stop him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in a voice that was not Chris’s.

My answer was to grab my purse and excuse myself to the bathroom. I sat my purse on the side of the tub and stared at myself in the mirror. My purse tumbled into the tub, spilling its contents, and as I grabbed my personal items and shoved them back into the purse, I noticed the small drugstore sack. Then I heard Chris’s voice echo in my mind:
“You’re worth so much more than that.”
That’s when I snapped out of it. That’s when I realized what I was doing.

I clutched the bag and sat on the toilet and sobbed loudly. Jerry or Barry, or whatever he said his name was, knocked on the door and asked me if I was okay, and I just kept crying. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, I apologized to him, redres
sed, and quietly left the room.

Twenty-Four

“Somebody Already Broke My Heart”

I smiled as I walked out onto the back deck of my rented cabin and took a seat at the patio table. I brought my cup of decaf coffee to my lips, took a sip, and opened the newspaper. I took a deep breath and breathed in the cool, March morning air. I’d always wanted to live in Hot Springs, and shortly after Chris left, I packed my things and headed back to Arkansas. In no time, I found a nice
cabin located right on Lake Hamilton and moved in. Now, three months later, I remained there—alone, but content.

I looked out across the lake and then down at my growing belly. I never wanted to raise another child alone, but I was actually excited about this new baby. It felt like a fresh start for me in a lot of ways. I would be able to raise this baby without any interference from my family, and that alone made me feel better about the whole situation.

I spoke with Chris’s family from time to time, but I hadn’t told them about the baby. His mother was especially upset about how things had turned out. After he left St. Louis, he’d grown even more distant from everyone in his family. They barely heard from him at all.

He did manage to call me from time to time, but I never answered. I just didn’t see the point. He’d made his decision. After promising to never leave me and begging me to stay with him, he’d left. There wasn’t much I felt we needed to say to one another at that point. When the baby was born, I’d tell him because I knew he had a right to be a part of his or her life, but other than that, there was nothing between us except for some beautiful memories. That’s all there would ever be between us.

Tiffany was still doing well at Spelman, but she’d changed her major to art history. As it turned out, she’d always dreamed of being a museum curator but was afraid of disappointing me, my father, and the rest of our family. I was thrilled she decided to pursue a career that
she
chose instead of one someone else chose for her.

The unexpected buzzing of my cell phone stirred me out of my thoughts. It was Carla. She and Bryan were still working hard to salvage their marriage, but things didn’t look too promising for them.

“Hey, girl,” I said.

“Hey! Just checking on you and the little one. How’re you feeling? How are things there?”

“We’re good. Everything went well at the doctor’s yesterday. And I’ve found a really nice church here, met some great people. I even have a prayer partner now.”

“Good. And how are you otherwise?”

I knew what she was getting at. “I’m good, Carla. Really I am.”

“Okay…”

“Okay, huh?”

“Well, I just don’t understand why you won’t tell Chris, that’s all.”

I sighed. We’d been over and over that subject time and time again. “Carla, I have my reasons. You know that.”

“Well, I’m just saying, Marli, the man was in pain. He’d just lost his son. You can’t hold his actions against him.”

“Carla, I’m not mad at him, and I’m not holding anything against him. I know Chris. If he knew I was pregnant, he’d come right back to me—he wouldn’t have left in the first place.”

“
Duh
, then why won’t you tell him?”

“Because if he comes back for the baby, I’ll never know if he really loves me or if he’s just with me out of some sense of duty.”

“Of course he loves you. You know that.”

“Do I? I mean, he left me, remember?”

“Marli, look. You’re making this whole thing be about you. Remember how you told me I was being selfish back when I was on that sexual bender in St. Louis? How I was making what Bryan did all about me?”

“Well, yeah, but this is hardly the same thing.”

“
Yes, it is.
You’re being selfish, only considering your own feelings. It’s got to be the pregnancy hormones that have you acting like this. The man lost his child, Marli.
His little boy
. Neither you nor I can even begin to know what that feels like. He couldn’t have known how to cope with that. You should’ve stayed your behind in that condo and been waiting there with open arms for him when he finished that tour. No,
actually
, you should’ve married him long ago instead of punishing the man for being rich. Who does that? That is just about the craziest thing I’ve ever seen or heard.”

I sighed heavily. “Haven’t we been through this? I wasn’t punishing him, Carla. And it wasn’t about him being rich; it was about him keeping it from me. And besides, I apologized for that.”

“Yeah, you did, and now you owe him
another
apology. I’m telling you, he is a good man—one of the best I’ve ever known. You never should’ve left St. Louis.”

“Carla, I couldn’t stay there and wait for him. What kind of relationship would we have if I did that? The future would’ve been full of cycles of him running away every time things got difficult, and he would’ve always expected me to stay and wait for him. I can’t live like that.”

“Okay, maybe you’re right, but what are you gonna do, Marli? Raise another baby on your own when Chris is out there and you’re still in love with him?”

I opened my mouth to reply and then shut it. There was no use in denying the truth. I
did
still love Chris… and I missed him.

“Uh-huh, you know I’m right. You need to call him, Marli. Or at least answer his calls. And you need to tell him. He has a right to know about this baby,
his baby
.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Honestly, Carla, at this point I’m scared to tell him.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m afraid he’ll be angry with me for keeping it from him.”

“The longer you wait, the more likely he’ll be angry.”

“I know… but what if he’s so angry he won’t want anything to do with me?”

“That’ll never happen. I have it on good authority that Chris King is still crazy about you. Call him, Marli. At the very least, put him on child support. Hell, he’s rich.”

“
Carla
…”

“Okay, okay, I’m kidding. Call him so the two of you can be together again.”

“Carla, can I tell you something?” I asked in a tiny voice.

“Yeah, you know you can tell me
anything
.”

I released a ragged sigh. “I
do
still love him, and I’ve wanted to call him. I’ve wanted to answer his calls, too. I’m just scared, Carla. I’m scared of being hurt again.”

“Marli, are you any better off being without him and still loving him? Are you any less hurt?”

“No.”

“Look, I almost let my pain over Bryan’s cheating cause me to lose not only my family, but my soul. I deserted my own kids, and I was committing more sins than I could keep track of because being in pain can make you do some really stupid stuff. Now, we might never truly work things out, but I love Bryan and my sons enough to try. If you don’t pull yourself together, you’re gonna lose Chris forever. Don’t be stupid.
Call him
.”

“What if it’s too late? What if he has someone else?”

“It’s not and he doesn’t. Call him. As good as he is? You’d be a fool to just let him go.”

I nodded as I wiped a tear from my cheek. “Okay, I will. But there’s something I need to take care of first. Something my prayer partner and I are working on.”

“Don’t wait too late, Marli.”

“I won’t.”

“And Marli, you deserve to be happy. Don’t ever forget that.”

“Thank you, Carla.”

~*~

I closed my eyes and followed the directions of my prayer partner, Jeanine, regarding Theophositc prayer. I wasn’t sure if it would work, but I was definitely willing to give it a try. At that point in my life, I was willing to give most anything a try.

I tried to remember the very first time I felt like I wasn't good enough—like I was unlovable. I thought back to when I was a little girl, to all of the times my mother and father said hurtful things to me, to all of the times they used my flaws to hurt one another. I remembered the times I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough.  I could hear my parents’ critical words ringing in my ears. I could feel the inadequacy as it pierced my very soul.

I felt so alone then—so abandoned, so hurt, so unloved. I remembered the little girl that I was then. I could see the sadness in her eyes, feel the sheer loneliness that she felt. I wanted to hug her and to tell her that she was a good girl—that she was good enough for love, that she
deserved
love.

And in that moment, I understood
me
for the first time in my life. I understood why I made the decisions I made in the past. And I understood that I deserved much better than I’d ever given myself.

Then, as instructed, I offered a prayer to God:

“Dear Lord, please take all of the hurt and pain I felt then, and still feel today, and bind it with Your love. Heal the broken pieces of my heart, Lord, and make me whole. Take the lies that the enemy has convinced me are true from my mind.

“The enemy says I am not good enough, but You say I'm good enough to die for. He says I'm ugly, but You say I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He says I'm unlovable, but You say Your love for me endures forever. He says I'll always be messed up, but You say You have forgotten my sins and will never remember them again. He says I have no future. You say You have already made plans for my future—
good
plans.

“Thank you, Lord, for loving me and forgiving me. I will never forget Your truths and I will no longer believe the enemy's lies. In Jesus' name, amen.”

I took a deep breath, released it, and smiled.

~*~

It was a month to the day after my conversation with Carla that I finally dialed Chris's number. I was ready to talk to him. I was ready to tell him about the baby,
our baby
. And if he would still have me, I was ready to be his wife.

The phone rang a few times, and then his voice mail picked up.
This is Chris. Leave a message.
The sound of his voice pricked at my heart. It was a voice I’d grown accustomed to hearing all the time. I’d missed hearing it.