You're Gone (Finding Solid Ground) (36 page)

It was a nice day for a picnic, Charleigh had to admit. She just wasn’t in the mood for one, though. But because her Nana and Pop were only going to be in town for just a little while longer and that was where they were going once church was over, she supposed she should go spend as much time with her grandparents as she could. Besides, Grant was driving, and she had to go in whichever direction he pointed the wheel.

After Pastor Wilkerson finished his sermon, Charleigh sat on her scooter at the bottom of the wheelchair ramp and waited for her grandparents to exit the church. Mellisande was such a social butterfly; she liked everybody. Had probably never met a stranger, Charleigh assumed of her Nana.

“Hey, Charleigh,” Gavin called, coming over to her. He smiled. “How ya feeling?”

“Hi. Pretty good, actually.” she smiled back and fanned out her arms in the same way that Vanna White and the Barker’s beauties introduced a new prize. “How do you like my new wheels?”

“Swanky,” Gavin laughed. “Are you coming out to Gram’s ranch for lunch?”

“Yeah, just as soon as Nana gets out here,” Charleigh said just as old Mrs. Mason cruised by on her own Hover Round. Overhearing the conversation, she gave Charleigh a displeased look. “Hey, Missus Mason. Whenever you want to race, just let me know.”

The comment was met only by a head shake.

“What’s with her?” Gavin asked, trying to sustain a laugh. It came out in a snort.

“She thinks I’ve crossed over to the dark side, just like all the rest of those holy rollers,” Charleigh replied with a shrug. Others opinion of her didn’t bother her anymore. “She’s probably waiting around the corner to douse me with Holy water or use a crucifix on me. Something. Whatever happened to it not being Christian to judge others, and leaving it up to the Father?”

“Beats me.” Linda, holding Breah, called to her son from the parking lot. “So, I’ll see you at Gram’s,” Gavin said and walked toward his mother and daughter.

“Bye,” Charleigh called after him, and waved to Linda.

The woman smiled at Charleigh, whispered something to the little girl, and they both waved back. Once Gavin reached the car, he took his daughter and turned to put her in the car seat.

After looking at her watch, Charleigh turned and looked back toward the front doors of the church just in time to see Grant and Mellisande walk out. Her grandmother was wearing a lavender-colored dress, with a floral scarf draped over her shoulders. She immediately smiled, seeing Charleigh, as they came toward the ramp.

“Are you ready to go, cowgirl?” Grant asked when they reached the bottom.

“Yeah, I’ve been sitting out here, enjoying the smell of exhaust fumes and having dust thrown all over me,” she replied, and winked at her Pop.
“You can go back in for a little while longer if you like. I’ll just be right here.”

“Well, I
was
meaning to ask Gloria about her mother’s gallbladder surgery.” She looked from her husband to her granddaughter, shrugged a shoulder. “Oh, I’ll ask her this evening. Besides, we should head out to Madie’s for the picnic. I am famished.”

The early
spring breeze tousled Charleigh’s hair as they sat in Madie’s backyard, enjoying the lively conversation, and Chris’s barbecued ribs. Lordy, Charleigh loved Chris Matthews’s ribs. It was like nothing she’d ever tasted before. The homemade barbecue sauce made her mouth water with anticipation, just thinking about it. It was a special recipe that Chris himself had come up with. It had just the amount of sweetness and spiciness. Charleigh had even offered to buy and bottle the stuff, but even though her Uncle Josh’s best friend said that he would keep the recipe a secret, he promised to bring her very own bottle of the delicious concoction.

After a while, the food had been devoured. There was little to nothing left. All of the kids seemed to amble in several different directions. A few were playing softball in the pasture.

Sitting at the table across from Madie as she told a hilarious story, Charleigh only listened half-heartedly as she picked at the desserts on her plate. She was full of food and was starting to feel sleepy. Carrying around thirty-five extra pounds and two other people, no matter how tiny they may be, was exhausting.

“Charleigh?”  Madie said from where she sat across the table. With heavy eyes, it took all Charleigh had just to raise her head and look at the old woman. “Why don’t you go lie down for a
while? I bet you could use a nap,”

The mere mention of sleep made Charleigh yawn. She nodded. It sounded like an excellent idea.

Cordell stood up, helping Charleigh free herself from the picnic table. She smiled at him and headed for the backdoor.

She had thought about lying down in the den, but people would be streaming in and out. What Charleigh really needed was quiet, so she decided to go up to Jamie’s old bedroom.

Taking the backstairs one at a time, Charleigh made her way up to the second floor. Here lately, if felt as if one of the babies’ heads, or maybe even both, were resting right on the other side of that crotch bone, whatever it was called. Charleigh’s brain was so boggled at the moment, she couldn’t even think straight.

Opening the door, she was met by the smell of stale air. Charleigh wondered if the room had even been opened since Jamie died. The bed was made with the same hand stitched quilt and the blue and white striped sheets, as always.

It occurred to Charleigh that nobody had probably slept in it since Jamie moved in with her. She went over to the far side of the bed, the one that faced the window, and sat down. The memory of that morning when she came to tell Jamie that she’d accepted his proposal filled Charleigh’s mind as if she were still standing in that doorway and watching him sleep. It seemed like so long ago. Years. But Charleigh could still remember how sexy he’d looked sleeping there. She closed her eyes and lay back on the bed.

***

Lying in the quiet, Charleigh had the sensation--- the warmth and closeness, the pressure --- of someone lying there next to her, with their arms holding her close. Maybe it was just Charleigh’s imagination. Her subconscious. A memory of the last time she had lain in this bed with Jamie.

Or maybe it was something else. Something from beyond the world of the living. Could Jamie’s spirit really be there, holding her at that moment?

Charleigh breathed deeply and snuggled closer into the pillow as she exhaled. She could almost swear she felt Jamie nuzzle the back of her ear with his nose, the way he always used to.

It was only when the sound of squeaky hinges startled Charleigh that she realized that she'd fallen asleep. She propped her head up on one arm and looked towards the person who peeked in through the cracked doorway.

“I didn't mean to wake you,” Gavin whispered, coming into the room. “Gram just wanted me to come and check on you.” He sat down on the foot of the bed.

How long had she been asleep? Peeved that she’d been woke up, Charleigh groaned and
wiped the sleep from her eyes. She didn't speak, just laid her head back down on the pillow and stared at the ceiling.

“Aunt Lenore mentioned that Cordell has stayed a few nights with you since Doctor Emerson put you on bed rest. If you ever want me to come and stay, just give me a call.”

“Nana and Pop are here to stay until a few days after Easter, but thanks for the offer,” Charleigh said a little more tartly than she intended.

“Well, you don't have to be so grumpy. I was just saying that I’m here to help,” he snapped back.

“And I was just stating a fact that I wouldn’t be needing anybody to stay with me for another week or so.”

“Ok, then.” He nodded. After a moment, Gavin asked, “What happened with me and you?”

Another groan escaped Charleigh’s throat.
Not this again.
“Do we really need to rehash the past? Can't we just say that it didn't work and leave it at that?”

“But I’d like to feel like I didn't let you down in some way.”

What was it about his affair with her cousin that Gavin had to justify? Charleigh wondered if it was more about relieving his guilt than actually having her forgive him. She had just let it go, being the one whom had been cheated on in the first place. So, why couldn’t Gavin? It was frustrating when he wouldn’t drop the subject and chalk it up as a mistake.

“I’m fine, Gavin,” Charleigh told him, a little aggravated.

“I just want to get back to where we used to be, Char.”

“Where exactly would that be? We’ve already agreed to be friends again. What more do you want from me?” She looked at him, waiting for an answer.

The sheepish look on his face told Charleigh more than she wanted to know. To go back to being romantically involved? That wasn’t going to happen. Too much had happened, and they couldn’t go back and be the same two people that they used to be. For one, they had children, by two different people other than each other. Breah would be cousins with her children, but
not
their sister, step-sister, or anything else.

“Friendship, Gavin, is
all
that I have to offer you. My heart belongs to someone else.”

“Jamie’s dead, and I’m alive. I think that I have a lot more to offer you than he does right now.”

Charleigh closed her eyes. She wanted to cry. The tears were bubbling closely under the surface, but they were outweighed by the urge to slap Gavin. He thought that he had the upper hand, just because Jamie wasn’t alive? Did he honestly think that made a difference?
How dare he!
Tightening her fists, she opened her eyes and looked at Gavin.

“I don’t see myself being with anyone else. Jamie was it for me,” Charleigh spoke. But she had to be realistic. “Maybe one day down the road, but not anytime soon. And not with you, either. Not again.”

“With who then? Cordell Allen?” Gavin jumped up off the bed.  He stood with his hands on his hips, staring at her.

That question was so ridiculous, she had to laugh. Before speaking, Charleigh sobered up and cleared her throat. “Cord is taking care of my horses right now since I can’t. Somewhere along the way, we became friends, which is a lot more than I feel for you right now.”

“This all goes back to me and Andie, doesn’t it?”

Yep. That statement proved Charleigh correct. She wasn’t the one who couldn’t let it go. It was Gavin. He couldn’t get over the fact that he had lost a good thing.
Well, probably
two
good things
, Charleigh thought. Her
and
her checking account, if she wanted to be petty. He wouldn’t ever be on good terms with her unless he could forgive himself.

“How many times have I told you that it doesn’t matter to me anymore? How many? I’m over you. You need to accept that we’re done. It’s been almost a year and a half,” she sighed, shaking her head. Was it even possible?

The babies could feel the tension in their mother’s body and were moving around wildly in what Charleigh thought was probably confusion. She realized that she needed to calm down and loosened her hands, resting them on her belly.

Defeated Gavin’s shoulders slumped. He sat down on the edge of the bed, with his back to Charleigh.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper. “When I look back on the happiest times of my life, you were always there, Charleigh. Always.”

“Well, Gavin, we
were
best friends since kindergarten. We were attached at the hip most of our lives, but like I said, too much has happened for me to be able to see life in the same way. I’ve often wished I had someone to blame, but I can't waste my life holding grudges. The time we have on earth is uncertain. Losing Jamie taught me that.” She let out a sigh of contentment and touched her huge belly. “I’m going to be somebody's mother in two short months. For me to be walking around like a basket case is not going to do anybody any good. For the sake of these two tiny lives, I’ve just had to make peace with all those inner demons and move on. Until you can do the same, Gavin, then I don't think we can or should be friends.”

Gavin looked at Charleigh as if she just given him the worst news of his life, which she probably had. She'd told him that they wouldn't ever be together again, and that she couldn't even be his friend until he got his shit together.

Charleigh was not going to be dragged down by Gavin’s manipulative apologies. Not this time. Not ever again. By anybody.

His eyes were wide with anger. Without saying another word, Gavin stood up. He didn’t even looking back at Charleigh before fleeing the bedroom like a scared and wounded animal.

She figured that he needed to do some deep soul-searching before he would understand that that is all that they would ever be. Friends, nothing more. And if he couldn’t, then that was his tough luck. Nothing he could ever do or say was going to change her mind. Charleigh loved Jamie, and she would always love him.

(Easter Sunday)

This time next year Charleigh figured that she’d be out hunting eggs with her precious baby boys. They’d be about ten and a half months old, and the lights of their mother’s life, of course. She’d probably have them dressed up in some kind of goofy little suits. No doubt, they would have to match. It was the tradition to make your kids wear the outfits made of scratchy materials just so you could make them sit still while you took all different kinds of embarrassing photos that would go on to haunt them for years and years to come.

Excitement filled the air as kids from church were scattered around Madie’s backyard in search of those coveted colored eggs. There were squeals and laughter of delight and cries of anger and frustration.

Charleigh sat on a lawn chair, her forearms rested on her belly, as she watched the festivities. Gavin was on the other side of the yard, helping Breah in the scavenger hunt. They hadn’t talked in a week, and that was just fine for her. If he had to walk around with that chip on his shoulder, and the metaphorical albatross around his neck for the rest of his life, then that was his problem. Nothing Gavin Matthews did or said would ever change her mind.

Charleigh looked past the gazebo in his general direction to find him staring at her. Not bitterly, but still staring. He quickly looked away when he realized that he’d been caught. She only shook her head and turned back toward the excitement.

On the other side of the yard, Cord was bent over, helping some of the smaller kids find eggs. He knew where most of them were, because he’d helped to hide them. Still dressed in his church clothes, a pair of Wrangler jeans, Western boots, and a nicely starched white dress shirt, Charleigh thought her friend cleaned up pretty good.

A shrill of laughter came from a little girl Charleigh knew as Emily as Cord picked her up to escape from several other little kids who wanted the Easter egg that she held. There was a smile spread across the man’s face that told her that he was really enjoying himself. It made Charleigh smile, too.

When the egg hunt was finally over, Cord came over to when Charleigh was sitting. He knelt down on one knee next to the chair.

“Wasn’t that something?” He asked, flashing a bright, white smile. “All of the kids seemed to have a good time. Found a lot of those Easter eggs.”

“You seemed to be having as much fun out there as the rest of them,” Charleigh laughed and patted him on the arm.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Cord replied with a nod. “You want some help getting up? The line has already started for the buffet.”

“Sure.”

And she held her hands out to him.
With minimal effort, Cord pulled Charleigh up to a standing position and helped her over to her scooter. Once she was all set, they moved toward the line that had already assembled for the buffet. Some of the kids were standing next to their parents, rummaging through their baskets full of hardboiled and plastic eggs of different colors and candy. It made Charleigh smiled.

She had made sure that every kid at church got a goody bag, just like her Dad used to do, whether they made it to church for Sunday
school or just the Easter Sermon. She been thinking lately about Mike and how he’d been gone for almost a year now. Before the Previa and being told to stay off her feet, Charleigh had planned to have the ground breaking for the summer camp on the anniversary of her Dad’s death, but now it was going to have to be postponed until after the babies were born.

Fredrick MacM
illan was standing in for Charleigh as CEO of that awful company known as RandallCorp, until she was back on her feet, metaphorically and literally. She was very grateful to the man, because he wasn’t obligated to do anything for that company anymore. Charleigh had bought his interest at the same time she’d sold the overseas branches. Once she’d fully recovered from the birth, Charleigh figured she’d have to reclaim her title, though, it wasn’t something she was looking forward to.

As they passed by Gavin, he looked from Charleigh to Cordell and scowled before turning to look straight ahead.

“What’s his problem?” Cord asked.

Charleigh made a huge loop just for the heck of it and came to a stop next to Cord. She shrugged. What was Gavin’s problem?
What wasn’t?
Charleigh thought to herself that her former best friend and fiancé had more than a few issues to work through.

“He’s jealous of you.”

“Huh?” Cord stifled a laugh. “Why would Gavin Matthews be envious of anything that I have?”

How was Charleigh supposed to explain it? The situation was so ridiculous. Only
she
could be the center of such a twisted love triangle, which wasn’t even an actually triangle because she didn’t love anyone besides Jamie.

“Because he thinks something is either going on between you and me, or will be happening sometime soon,” Charleigh sighed, shaking her head. She looked up to see an amused look on Cord’s face. “It’s not funny.”

“Well, actually it is,” he replied. “To think that you would actually pick someone like me.”

Leda Murphy, who was standing just in front of them in line, turned around and gave them a horrified look. Her ice-blue eyes settled on Charleigh. Instead of lecturing them on talking about personal affairs for all to hear, she said, “Well, I didn’t get to know Jamie, but I’d say you’d be better off with somebody like Cordell than with Gavin again, once your heart heals. That boy’s just like his Daddy, not to be speaking ill of the dead, but you don’t need that with two babies.”

“Thank you for your concern, Missus Murphy, but you have nothing to worry about,” Charleigh assured her. “Gavin and I aren’t even on speaking terms right now.”

Leda winked. “Good girl.” And then she turned around.

That was the end of the discussion. Once Cord and Charleigh had their plates, piled high with food, they went and found two empty seats with Grant and Mellisande, who had many questions for their granddaughter’s friend about how he started working for Madie Matthews. Grant was so impressed that he considered offering the man a job in Tennessee but decided against it at Charleigh’s insistence.

There was only a small group still in the backyard when Charleigh, Grant, and Mellisande agreed that it was time to head out. She kissed Madie and Lenore good-bye, and Grant drove them back to Charleigh’s house.

Shortly after the luncheon was over, Cordell bid farewell and retreated to the stable. Charleigh didn’t get a private moment to ask him about the comment he made before they were interrupted by Missus Murphy.

Something about it stuck in her craw. She wasn’t exactly sure why, but it definitely put a weight on her shoulders. And Charleigh had more than enough to deal with at the present
moment.

As she sat in the backseat of her Tahoe, with the window down to let the
spring air in to tousle her hair, Charleigh leaned her head back against the seat and thought about the conversation one more time.

             
“It’s not funny.”

“Well, actually it is,” he replied. “To think that you would actually pick someone like me.”

That’s what it was.
Charleigh raised up her head just in time to see her home come into view over the hill. Cordell thought that he wouldn’t be good enough to be with her in that kind of relationship. He was okay for taking care of her horses and any other mundane household task she may need him for, but he wasn’t worthy enough to be her husband or lover.
Ha! Who does that sound like?

Pop helped Charleigh upstairs to her bedroom, and she changed into a pair of sweats and one of Jamie’s white undershirts. After that, she settled down onto the bed and flipped on the television. She hit the blue, round button in the center of the remote, and the channel guide appeared on the large screen across the room.

It wasn’t too long ago that Charleigh had thought that she wasn’t good enough for Gavin. She’d thought that she wasn’t good enough for Kent Masterson, too. Back then, Charleigh was so hurt and confused by what Gavin had done to her she hadn‘t known which way was up. And now, the only thing that mattered was that her babies were born healthy. She was going to focus on taking one day at a time until she heard their little cries for the very first time. That was the mentality Charleigh planned to hold on to for her future.

Realistically, she couldn’t say whether or not someone else would ever come into her life that could make her feel the same way Jamie had, but at the moment she didn’t see that happening. Her heart still belonged to only one man, and Charleigh couldn’t just simply stop loving Jamie because he was dead and there was someone else who wanted to take his place. Now, Charleigh understood why her father had never remarried after her own mother’s death.

Without a second thought, Charleigh picked up the phone and dialed Cordell’s home telephone number. It rang four times, and then the answering machine picked up. She hung up without leaving a message. What could she say about the situation in ten seconds or less that would actually make any sense?
Nothing.

             
So, she would just have to wait until the next time Cordell came to check on her horses to have the conversation.