You're Teaching My Child What? (22 page)

Are you following this? Orientation can
change
, says sex ed, but it cannot
be changed
. The distinction may sound like splitting hairs, but I warn you—it's a serious matter with real-life consequences.

If a certain relationship, environment, or class can trigger an awareness of authentic
homosexual
attractions for women, why can't the experience of psychotherapy
¹⁰⁰
—which also provides a unique relationship, setting, and opportunity to learn—trigger
heterosexual
ones?

And what about men? Is there a role for therapy (known as “reparative”) in helping those who are struggling with their own feelings about sexual identity? A small, respectable group of professionals called NARTH (National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality) believes there is. They contend that men who struggle against same sex attraction do so because of personal issues, not societal, and should be respected. In fact, they say, clients who are highly motivated can decrease and even eliminate same sex attraction.

Robert Spitzer, MD, a Columbia University researcher,
¹⁰¹
studied a group of 200 men and women like Malik, a patient I once had—young, religious, and distressed with their sexual inclination. He found that following reparative therapy, a majority reported significant change.
¹⁰²
But this kind of information is extremely controversial, highly politically charged, and either completely ignored or strongly condemned by psychological and educational establishments. The American Psychological Association even tried to pass a resolution (rejected by a very small margin) condemning reparative therapy and requiring the disciplining of any therapist who offered it.

Malik was an international student from Malaysia studying architecture. At the urgent request of one of our social workers, I squeezed him into my schedule. This was a true emergency, Karen explained;
earlier today, he had considered jumping from the window of his apartment.

I don't want to be how I am,
Malik explained, avoiding my eyes
. I am attracted to men, but I can't accept it. I want to be different. In my country people are whipped and jailed for this. My family expects me to come home when I graduate and get married. This isn't me . . . I want to change. Why would God do this to me?

What a dreadful situation. Malik described how he'd struggled for years, never sharing his secret, and now he was hopeless. His parents had given him everything, and now he'd disappoint them. After a sleepless night, he had opened the window of his ninth floor apartment, intending to jump. But he hesitated, and, suddenly frightened, walked over to see us.

I listened carefully. This was a red-hot issue, the question of whether unwanted same sex attraction can be decreased or eliminated. The position of major psychological organizations was that change is impossible and people making the claim are deceiving themselves. Furthermore, they say, trying to change can be harmful. Malik's anguish was a result of intolerance: he had “internalized” society's homophobia; he'd become intolerant of himself. Proper treatment is to affirm his homosexuality and help him accept it. My colleagues sided with the establishment, affirming therapy is the only valid approach—and assumed I did too—of that I had no doubt.

That's what flashed through my mind as Malik sat in silence, head down. Forget politics, I resolved. Here was a life at risk. Hospitalization was not an option, because he'd agreed, at least for the time being, not to harm himself. What could I do? In a few minutes he'd leave, and I knew what I said now could make a difference.

“Malik,” I said, “I can prescribe medication so you'll feel calmer, sleep, and get some work done. You also need therapy. The therapy we provide here may help you accept yourself, and figure out how you want to deal with friends and family.”

“No,” he interrupted, “I could never tell anyone. I will never, ever tell my family. You don't understand! This is not who I am!”

“There is another kind of therapy,” I continued, “that would support you in struggling against your attraction to men.” I decided to tell him, because it was the right thing to do.

“What?” he asked. “I never heard about that. Does it really work? Can I do it here?”

I shared what I knew, and suggested he research it on his own. I mentioned NARTH's
¹⁰³
website as a good place to start. And I explained that, no, reparative therapy is not available at our center. It was his decision; if he was interested in learning more, I'd help him with the next step.

I wrote a prescription, and we discussed the proper use of medication. We arranged a follow-up appointment; he thanked me and left.

The door closed, and though I knew I had done the right thing for Malik, I couldn't help wondering what the reaction would be from my colleagues. Word would spread:
Miriam referred a student to the NARTH website.
I could just as well have announced my membership in the KKK.

Was there even
one
other person on our large staff, I wondered, who shared my views—that Malik should be told about
both
options, and allowed to choose his own path? If so, they'd never publicized their opinion. But considering how worried I was about my own deviation from the party line, I could understand their silence.

Malik soon felt better on medication, and his suicidal thoughts receded. He decided against therapy of any kind; he only wanted medication. With the crisis over, he was back to his routine, and would, he said, work out the sexuality issue on his own. For a while I'd see him every so often, but then his name disappeared from my schedule. My calls to him were not returned.

I wondered, though, about the people who go against the tide and choose to fight their same sex attraction. They must have some interesting stories to tell. I discovered a support group for men in reparative therapy that meets monthly in a Los Angeles home. The twenty members of this “Circle of Men,” as they call themselves, consider the meetings a lifeline, essential to their mental health.

They welcomed me as a guest one evening, and I asked: what is your message to the mental health profession?

They were eager to be heard. Adam said, “I am angry that I didn't know about this therapy for seventeen years. When I discovered it, it was such a liberating sense of relief. In six years I have changed beyond my wildest dreams.”

“Therapists told me for years that this is my identity and I should embrace it,” a middle-aged man with a wedding band said, “But that never felt right to me. Now I consider it just one part of me—a part I don't have to accept.”

“I have chosen the long, hard way instead of the short, easy way,” a young man named Greg told me, “and that choice is right for me.”

And there was this from Hector: “The old warrior went out and fought battles for land or power. The new warrior fights a bigger battle—the battle within. This is our choice. What gives you the right to take it away?”

I had an idea: Invite these remarkable men to come and speak to my colleagues at the counseling center. Have them describe their journeys to therapists who are convinced that therapy for unwanted same sex attraction is wrong and dangerous. Here's a chance for open discussion of an urgent topic. The men were all for it; “Just tell us when and where—we'll be there,” they promised. What a great plan!

Boy, was I naïve. “Sounds fascinating,” the director told me. “But the University wouldn't go for it.”

Well, so much for being open-minded. So much for celebrating intellectual debate, diversity, tolerance, and multi-culturalism. And so much for a patient's right to self-determination.

Educators and therapists, with their intolerance of diverse views, harm students like Malik in the following ways:

Like the University, sex educators want students to believe that men like Adam, Greg, and Hector don't exist and that efforts to change sexual orientation are futile.

I doubt Debra Haffner has had the opportunity to speak with men such as these. Otherwise, how could she declare, “Therapy cannot change one's sexual orientation”?
¹⁰⁴
Homosexuality is not an illness, the reasoning goes on sites like AFY, so the idea of a “cure” is meaningless. Does anyone speak about a cure for
heterosexuality
, they demand?

John is sixteen. He has turned for advice to Dr. Savin-Williams, a psychologist, on the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) Foundation
¹⁰⁵
(“Working for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Equal Rights
”)
website.

After finding out he's gay, John writes, his father wants him to see a Christian psychiatrist. “He doesn't believe I was born this way... he insists that I can change . . . .I really don't know what to do.”
¹⁰⁶

A year after Robert Spitzer published his research on the efficacy of reparative therapy, the psychologist replied:

Then he tells John how to locate a “gay-positive” therapist, and recommends some websites and books.

Interestingly, one of the organizations recommended by Savin-Williams was Young Gay America. This group—whose mission is “to promote community, information, and empowerment by and for gay youth”
¹⁰⁷
—was founded in 2001 by Michael Glatze and his boyfriend. But, oops, Mr. Glatze has identified as ex-gay since 2007. Could both the HRC and Dr. Savin-Williams be unaware of that development, when the news was given prominent coverage by leading gay news websites?
¹⁰⁸
Unlikely. Yet the answer to John, still featured on the site as of this writing, remains unchanged. As far as they are concerned, the change in Glatze's orientation never happened.

Troubling, no? For starters, psychologists are expected to refrain from undermining parents. Dr. Savin-Williams should have told John that his attraction to other boys may be temporary,
¹⁰⁹
and for this reason alone he'd be wise to delay sexual behavior. Boys who self-label as gay in high school are more likely to use drugs and alcohol,
¹¹⁰
be infected with an STD, and become HIV positive.
¹¹¹
It would have been appropriate, too, as a “scientist” to tell John about Spitzer's research, and about organizations like NARTH and Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays
¹¹²
(“PFOX”).

There's also a deeper issue, one that really hit home for me after meeting the Circle of Men. Educators and therapists must recognize that not everyone worships at the shrine of self-love and acceptance. Some people wish to struggle against their natures. While many choose to define themselves by their desires, others discover who they are in their struggle
against
those desires.

Professionals must understand that in this struggle, success is not measured by outcome. One person has better results, the other worse;
what confers meaning is the daily effort to live in a manner consistent with one's values.

But how can educators recognize these truths, when doing so would bring down their house of cards? Their worldview is based on
rejecting
moral restrictions and struggles. Their aim is to replace the no's with yes's, remember? How can they, heirs to Kinsey's model of sexuality, and after decades of crusading for the
expansion
of sexual expression, admit that for some people, the exact opposite is best? The patriarch would turn over in his grave.

P
ARENTS, FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS. If what you've learned so far about sex education horrifies you, and you believe it can't get any worse, I caution you: it can and it does.

Remember
Alice in Wonderland?
How Alice followed the White Rabbit into Wonderland, and each new adventure was more impossible than the last? A cat that vanishes into thin air, leaving only its smile behind. A tea party that never ends, because time has stopped. A queen making loony decrees, such as, “Sentence first—verdict afterwards.”
¹