Zero Sum (11 page)

I really didn’t like it when that thing giggled—it stroked up and down my spine.

“Come on, Dieter. Let’s go,” Jules urged.

“‘Kay.” I turned to leave…but couldn’t quite manage it. I mean, the small thingy had freakin’
wings
attached to its torso. They were a multicolored dance of paints stirred into water. I couldn’t help but stare.
 

The fae looked back at me with interest. Holding the sweet roll like a bag of laundry, it examined my shoes, sneered at my inverted t-shirt, and then took a gander at my unruly hair. That’s when the creature’s easy expression faltered. A quiver shot through its body, and the tiny fae dropped the sweet roll to the ground.

Oh, fuck.
 

I took a step backward.

The fae took a step forward.

I swallowed.

It fluttered into the air.

Not fair, I thought. I hadn’t said a word.

The fae didn’t come straight for my neck, but instead came to roost atop of the frappuccino, straddling it like a foamy bathtub. “Are ya her childe, then?” it asked in a sweet, fluty voice.

“Her?” My knees felt weak. “Her, who?”

“But what a strange stink ya bear, little one. Whom be yer sire?”

My mother? Had this strange little thing just mentioned my mother? How did it know? I wanted to kneel down and talk to it. I
needed
to. Maybe the fae could tell me something…something about my mom…something about my past. But I wasn’t moving forward. I was moving backward. Jules had me by the collar. Her feet dug into the asphalt, she was dragging me away with all her might. Out of the alley. Back onto the sidewalk. Beyond the little beastie’s line of sight.

“Whoa, Dieter,” Jules said, panting. “I thought you were near immune ta that kinda shite. The little bastard had ya twangled up good, didn’t he?”

“Hold the phone,” I said. “First,
he
? Seriously? And why did you drag me out? The fae said something about my mother. I need to ask him if—”

“No, Dieter, the fae said what you wanted ta hear, nothin’ more.”

“But, Jules…” I stifled a shiver. It was sunny out. Why was I was shivering?

“It’s what they do, Dieter. Capital-A-assholes, they are.” She gently pried the crumpled coffee cup from my hand. “Come on now, I’ll explain.”
 

I nodded, but I still wasn’t right side up. I had to take Jules shoulder for support. It felt like I’d been squeezed like a lime. Jules helped me over to a park bench and promptly tore into her bagel. My own appetite had vanished.

“What did you have that little guy doing for you?”

“Personal shopper,” Jules said, still chomping.

I glared at her. “Let me get this straight. You used a freaking fairy to bargain hunt? Jules, I’ve read the Brothers Grimm. Aren’t the fae supposed to be super freaking dangerous?”

“Seriously, Dieter, you really need ta take
History of Magic
and
Bestiary
. The Brothers Grimm had ta purify their tales ta get them past the Church’s censors.”

“I know, I know, I’m a horribly miss-informed ex-Imperiti. So explain this shit, oh in-the-know-magus. Birth light into my hazy eyes.”

“Well, basically I made a deal,” Jules said, dusting off her bagel.

“With a
fae
? For
shoes
?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, Dieter. As long as you fulfill the parameters of the agreement, ya don’t have ta worry about a thing.”

“But aren’t they devious?”

“Oh, they most certainly are. They’ll steal both kidneys right out from under yer ribs if ya let ‘em. But nowadays we have Polimag, Dieter. We’ve out litigated them.”
 

“Out…” I started massaging my throbbing temples. “Huh?”

Jules pulled out a small pocket reference guide:

Professor Alfred Simons’ Fae Contracts for Dummies

 
For entertainment purposes only

My eyes widened. “Isn’t it dangerous walking around with a book like that? What if it like fell into Imperiti hands or something?”

“Honestly, Dieter, do ya think any of the Imperiti would take it seriously?” She giggled. “Professor Simons—Awen claim his soul—made a tidy sum sellin’ these things all across the States. Gag shops love ‘em.”

“Hidden in plain sight…you guys seem to love that. So, what was that fae doing for you exactly?”

“Us. Doin’ for us. He’s a minor Unseelie fae. There are two general types of fae. The Seelie and the Unseelie. The Seelie are bearable, but the Unseelie are the dredges. They adore disorder. The more harm they cause, the more it shakes their rocks. So I exploited his Unseelie nature, Dieter. I asked him ta find the most egregiously mislabeled merchandise on Chapel Street. He got ta enjoy the frustration of all those shopkeepers; we found the bargains. Still, I had ta be careful. I gifted him snacks so he couldn’t boomerang it.”

“Huh?”

“The Unseelie are a sneaky lot. Sure, they won’t quit till they fulfill an agreement, but it’s in their nature ta exploit any loopholes in a bargain. When dealin’ with the Unseelie, the best defense is always good offense. Give ‘em somethin’ more important ta worry about. Then they’ll usually leave ya be.”

“A frappuccino?” I asked, outraged.

“Yup. They love fresh-n-sugary snacks. You know, the usual stuff: warm baked goods, cream, butter, babies. Also, ya want ta keep them from touchin’ yer person. They hate anything stale. They also don’t like clothes worn inside out. Both are like fae kryptonite.” Jules undid the top two buttons of her blouse to reveal a large iron locket. “So is iron.”

“Um, I can’t see that too well, could you—”

Blushing, Jules leaned forward and smacked me upside the head. “Wanker,” she growled.

“Honestly, you complain about
me
being reckless, but contracts with the fae? Don’t they have a reputation of enslaving talented, handsome, young men like myself? You risked your charge, Julesy.”

“Well then, Mr. Cautious, I’ll just return this authentic WWI flight jacket—”
 

“It’s real?” Visions of the Red Baron danced through my head. I clutched back my prize greedily. “Fine, you’re forgiven.”

Jules started cackling again. (Frankly, she did it a little too well.)

I checked my watch. Our fae-driven high-speed shopping session had saved a ton of time. “Hey Jules, I’ve got about one-fifty left on my card. I still need to pick up PJ’s and undies, but we have till 11PM, right? What do you say we grab dinner and a movie with the rest? I owe you big time, after all.”

Jules beamed.
 

“Hey, Dieter, boxer or briefs?”

“Quiet, wench, that’s a trade secret.”

Laughing, we went looking for a department store.

+

“Are you serious,” I asked.

“Yeppers!”

I kicked my shoe into the ground a few more times, sighed, and went up to the ticket counter. “Two for
Harry Potter
, please.”
 

The pimpled teenager behind the counter squinted at me. “Are you sure, sir? It
is
rated PG-13.”

I had just enough mana to…“Ha-ha-ha. Good one. It’s for my little sister over there. She’s not all that well in the head.” I leaned forward and whispered, “She thinks she’s a witch.”
 

The attendant passed me the two tickets. “Sorry, man,” he managed.

Two hours later we stumbled out into the night.

“Awen’s Ghost, that Bill Weasley is
so
hot. I would love ta ride his broomstick all night—”

“Jules!” I yelled, sheltering my virgin ears.

“Oops!” She smirked. “Double-entendre, huh?”

“And then some. Thanks for the image. By-the-way, can we actually do that?”

“Broomsticks?” Jules strummed her chin. “In theory, yea…but do you have any idea how cold it would get? Yer eyeballs would probably freeze straight through.” Jules frowned. “I don’t think it would be a good idea ta mention this concept in front of Roster.”

I shuddered at the thought. “Don’t worry, I hate heights. Let’s go get dinner.”

“Heck, yea,” Jules said pumping her fist. “It’s apizza time!”

I shook my head. “You mean it’s
pizza
time. I swear, Jules, sometimes we don’t speak the same English.”

“No, apizza be a New Haven tradition. Come hither, neophyte.” Jules grabbed my hand and led me to a nearby parlor. She ordered something called a “white clam pie,” and we sat down outside to test out the new jackets.

“Clams, Jules? I don’t know how they do things over on the Isles, but where I’m from, we don’t put
clams
on our pizza.” I crossed my arms in disgust. She had spent our last forty-five bucks on that abomination.

“Yea, ya probably settle for dirt and prickles on a slab of sandstone. Don’t be barkin’ at what ya haven’t bitten.”

The portly chef brought the steaming hot pie out himself. It smelled vaguely of heaven. “Jules, darling,” he said. “Haven’t seen you in months. We were worried you defected to Pepe’s!”

“Oi!” Jules looked suitably aghast. “I’d never, Sal! It’s the bloody workload. Haven’t had the time ta swing into town, I’m a’fraid.”

“Well study hard, dear—and you there,” he said, threatening me with his oversized spatula, “you make sure you take care of this one, you hear?”
 

“Yes, sir,” I said, awkwardly. “Best tutor I ever had.”

The chef winked at me as he shuffled back inside. When I went to ask Jules what that was all about, I found that she was already chomping down on her first slice. There was no hope of talking after that. Best cheese and crust I’d ever had. Ten minutes later, I came back up for air.

“Good call, Jules.”

“See, I told ya it was the best. Why ya ever doubt my wisdom baffles my—”

As Jules’s eyes widened, I already knew it was too late. I couldn’t sense anything dangerous with my Sight, but I was already kicking myself. There was a war on, people were dying left and right, and here we were goofing off in the middle of New Haven. Stars above, how reckless could we be? If Rei had seen what I was up to, she would have punched me in the gut again—and I would have deserved it. In the few seconds I had, I struggled to build up my will. I tried to work out the angles. How could I best shield Jules? Maybe I could tip over the table. That way I could shelter her from the first volley…My jaw tightened. Like a table would stop whatever was about to be thrown at us.

“Oh. My. Gods.” Jules stammered. “Is that, is that
Rei
?”

Huh?

I eased the pent up mana back into the ground, leaving singed concrete behind. Satisfied I wasn’t going to blow up my new favorite pizza parlor, I turned to look over my shoulder. It was Rei. She was walking down the cat—sidewalk in five-inch black heels. Her long black dress clung tight enough to give just the right hints. A group of tourists decided they were better off safe rather than sorry. They held up their oversized cameras and fired off a few shots. Rei’s sunglasses slapped back the flashes, and she flicked her hair dismissively. The sidewalk devolved into slow-motion chaos. Folks just stopped what they were doing to stare. I shook my head. They should have been wondering why such a tall, thin girl could wear nothing more than a satin dress on such a cold autumn evening, but they were too busy going gaga. Rei appeared indifferent to it all. She checked her watch and gestured to the two men following her.

“She has an
entourage
?” I asked. There had to be a dozen bags from all the places the wealthy went to incinerate money.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Jules muttered.

Taking note of us, Rei paused her procession and walked over. I did my best to keep my eyes from straying—but that black dress was like a handful of flares to the face. “Dieter. Druid,” she said, bowing slightly. “So this is where the two of you ran off to.”
 

“Out shopping I see,” Jules replied tersely. Her eyes were locked on the bag labeled “Prada”.

“Indeed. However, I fear the pickings were poor. I do find these boutiques lacking, but my request to travel to New York was denied.”
 

Did that mean Rei could afford to take a train ride on a whim? Stars above…

“We just finished up our debit cards,” I said stupidly.

“I too. I bought this respectable pair of heels. Do you like them?”

“Humph,” Jules said, inspecting her nails. “Well, I guess ya can’t expect
all
of us ta manage our money properly. I bought everything you see with
my
card.”

“Indeed,” Rei said. She covered her mouth and yawned. “It shows.”

Jules turned the same shade of red my dad did the time I dumped his stash of bourbon down the drain. “And I see we are stretchin’ the Tenets to their limits as usual,” she growled. The two men carrying her bags stared at Rei dreamily. Their shoulders were a bit too slack. Their attention a bit too focused.

“Nonsense,” Rei retorted. “I merely asked these gentlemen for some assistance. Believe it or not, Druid, men actually enjoy assisting certain women in their labors. But you would be unfamiliar with such customs, wouldn’t you, Ms. Twigs-and-Berries?”

I laughed uneasily at Rei’s Brillo pad-esk comedic stylings. Worse, passersbys weren’t passing by anymore. About a dozen people had stopped to watch this little tiff play out. Recalling the portion of the rulebook covering corporeal punishment for Public Displays of Magic, I said, “Ladies, ladies, ix-nay on the ireworks-fay in front of the Imperiti-way.”
 

The two of them ignored me. They seemed intent on staring one another into the ground. Two construction workers started hollering for the requisite catfight. Visions of beer commercials were probably flashing through their heads. The men hadn’t factored in the part where the two little ladies flatten the entire block.
 

I moved quickly around the railing to the sidewalk. As crazy as it might sound, I felt way more confident I could drag Rei off Jules than Jules off Rei. My eyes pleading, I whispered in her ear, “I’ll carry the damn bags. Let’s just get the hell out of here.”