Zombie Lover (7 page)

40
     
PIERS ANTHOM

Souffle hissed again "His Designated Wife made the guest list and assignments MareAnn Except tor Jenny to do the invitations That was Clio the Muse of History who decided that "

"MareAnn was Humfrey's first love, who couldn't marry him until last, let she lose the ability to summon unicorns," Bink said "She knows how it feels to be left out She shouldn't have left Jenny out "

"Omissions happen," Dor said "We will do what we can for Jenny Now let's focus on our mission the zombies "

"We need a name tor our group," Dolph said

Dor hadn't seen the necessity, but humored him "We three kings "

"But I'm not a king," Bink protested

"You're the father of a king, and Dolph is the son of a king," Dor said "That's close enough "

Bink shrugged "It will be nice to be a king for a few hours, even if in name only "

"I'll change into a roc bird and carry you up high so we can spy the zombies," Dolph said

"Don't drop us," Dor said, smiling He knew his son would be careful

Dolph walked out beyond the moat, so as to have room, and suddenly he was a monstrous bird "Squawk'" he called

"He says to get your sorry donkeys over there," a nearby rock translated helpfully "And don't soil his feet "

"We suspected it was something like that," Bink murmured The inanimate sometimes overstated the case, not having much judgment

Each ot them took hold of one of Dolph1 s huge legs and sat on his feet Dolph took two steps, pumped his enormous wings, and launched into the air Soon they were spirahng into the sky, making Castle Roogna look small

Dor had seldom flown, so was intrigued by the patchwork of Xanth that spread out below them He recognized the good Magician's Castle to the east, and the Gap Chasm to the north, and the Isle ot View to the west Much of the rest was forest and mountain and lake, as it should be

1 There's one " Bink called, pointing slightly south Dor realized that he was doing what he was supposed to, watching for zombies, instead ot getting distracted by the scenery

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The roc headed down, and soon landed in a glade near the slogging creature The two of them dismounted from the teet, and then Dolph reappeared

But by the time they landed, the zombie had disappeared However, there was a female centaur practicing her archery, so they approached her

"Hello," Dor said
 
"We three kings are looking for a zombie "

She glanced at them "Hello I am Cmdy Centaur A zombie passed this way two moments and an instant ago, bearing north "

"Thank you "

"You are welcome " She loosed her arrow, and it neatly severed the stem of high root beer mug The roots cushioned its fall so that it did not break or spill, and she was able to pick it up and drink from it

"No one can shoot an arrow as well as a centaur," Bink remarked as they walked north

The zombie was typical of its breed, which was to say loathsome It had evidently once been a human man, but it must have rested in a grave with some ambitious worms for some time, because now halt its face had rotted away and its clothing was in a similar mess It shambled along, leaving decaying chunks of itself behind Most zom bies did that, it wasn't clear why they didn't soon degenerate into nothing Probably their substance was magically regenerated at the same rate it sloughed off, so they were in a steady state

Dor tackled the ugly business "Excuse me, zombie " he said, stepping as close to the thing as he cared to

"Zzure," the zombie agreed

"Why are you and your kind walking around Xanth r

The thing considered It took zombies time to think, because their brains were rotten "Xxeth." it said after a decomposing pause

"Can you elaborate7" Bink asked

"Nnooo " It shambled on, as if searching tor something

Dor shrugged
  
"I think we need to find a fresher one "

Dolph changed form and they got aboard his teet They flew across Xanth until they spied another likely figure Three figures, in fact, suitable tattered They came down for a landing on the beach on the southern shore of Xanth They walked toward the place where the figures stood

42
     
Pit-RS ANTHONY

But what they had taken to be tatters of clothing and odd bits of flesh turned out to be three women with veils and ruffles The first woman spied them "Ah, you are the men who have come to marry us1" she exclaimed

"We are7'
  
Dolph asked, perplexed

"Aren't you9" she asked, coming up to embrace him "I am Miss Conception Do you wish to kiss me before or after the wedding9"

"But I'm already married1" Dolph protested

The second woman approached Bink "Yes, he is eager to be married," she said "And I hope you are too, even if you do seem a bit young for me I am Miss Interpret "

"I'm eighty one," Bink said

"Now I know I misheard that' You can t be over twenty one "

"Something is not right about this," the third woman said, approaching Dor "Is there something wrong with you too7 I am Miss

Givings "

"I'm afraid there is," Dor said
 
"We are looking for zombies "

"Your taste in women is weird1"

"I mean that we wish to question zombies We thought you were— that is, that you looked like—" He realized that they might not take kindly to the comparison

"Like girls ready to marry," Miss Conception said "Of course And you are right Let's do it right now, and summon lots of storks "

"Wow1" her veil said
 
"That should be fun "

"We are all married1 " Dolph said desperately

"Yes, you all want to get married," Miss Interpret agreed, staring blissfully into Sink's young eyes "It's so nice that we are in agreement I'm sure you will mature in due course "

"In a pork s eye," d tassel said

"But you do look a bit old," Miss Givings said to Dor

"He certainly does," the ground said "Any day now he'll start to totter and dodder '

"This is all a misunderstanding," Dor said hrmly "We three kings are merely trying to find out why the zombies are stirred up "

"You are kings>" Miss Interpret asked, delighted "What a great marriage this will be1"

'We can visit Castle Zombie on our honeymoon " Miss Conception said
  
"The Zombie Master should know "

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"The Zombie Master'" Bink exclaimed "Why didn't we think of that9"

"Because your hearts were set on marriage," Miss Interpret said reasonably "But as soon as the ceremony is done, we can set out for there We want you to be happy ''

"I don't think so," Miss Givings said regretfully "I fear we are confusing things These men mistook us for zombies "

"Mistook us for zombies'" Miss Conception exclaimed "Does a zombie have this9" She lifted her tasseled blouse and showed her bare but healthy upper torso

"Wow1" a nearby stone said "She must have nymphly ancestry I haven't seen boobies like that since that flock of dodos waddled by"

"That's boobs, you boob'" another stone said "You got rocks in your head9"

"Whatever," the first said stonily

Meanwhile, Dolph stared He was still young enough to really appreciate such a sight ' Maybe not as full or firm, for a zombie," he said His eyeballs were beginning to glaze

"I should hope not How about this9" She tugged at her skin

Dor knew he should do something, but his own eyeballs were locked, and he knew that Bmk's were too It wasn't possible for a man to look away from such a sight voluntarily The effect was similar to that of the hypnogourd And if she showed her panties—

"This is really getting interesting," a piece of deadwood said "What does she have under there7"

Then a bug happened to fiy by just at eyeball height, interrupting Dor's view He clamped his eyes closed and turned his head away, so as not to get caught again

"That's fine," Dor said quickly, before she could freak anyone out and have her will of him He stepped between Bink and the sight, freeing him Then he did the same for Dolph, and took the young man by the shoulders turning him around ' No zombie can match any of you, I'm sure," he said over his own shoulder "We are sorry we can't marry you, but we must be on our way We have pressing business elsewhere "

"I knew there was a catch," Miss Givings said ' There always is "

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PIERS ANTHONY

"Yes, they are surely a great catch," Miss Interpret agreed.

"But you haven't seen what else," Miss Conception cried. "You can't conceive what—"

"We're looking, we're looking!" several stones said.

Dor bustled Dolph away. "Don't look back," he warned. "You have no business being amazed by anything not offered by your wife."

"Oh, yes," Dolph agreed, remembering.

"Now take us to Castle Zombie."

Dolph changed to roc form, and in a moment they were up, up, and away, winging toward the Zombie Master's edifice.

"Squawk," Dolph remarked sadly, glancing down at the three forlorn figures below.

"Yes, I know," Dor agreed. "But we were really not eligible. I'm sure they will find three other men, in due course, and make them very comfortable, after their glazed eyeballs heal."

"1 wonder if their dialogue is entirely innocent?" Bink asked. "It is almost as if Miss Conception acted only when their words were

not enough."

"She may indeed have had a concept," Dor agreed. "As it was, only an unlikely coincidence enabled us to escape." As he spoke, he realized that it had been exactly the kind of coincidence that happened around his father. Could there be a connection? He wasn't sure. In fact the frustrating thing about his father was that he had never been able to be sure.

Now Castle Zombie hove into view. It was rather battered and worn looking, as if chunks of corroded blocks were falling off. The moat was a puddle of slime. This could not be from inattention, because a zombie gardener was working there. He was carefully raking more dirt into the water, to be sure it was properly foul.

They landed just beyond the decrepit drawbridge. Dor hesitated to cross it, lest the worm-eaten planks give way and dump him into the

muck below.

Bink considered. "I suspect that magic makes this look worse than

it is," he remarked.

"No doubt," Dor agreed. "Maybe some illusion, or some debilitating spells. Either way, I wouldn't care to chance it without testing it."

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"I'll test it." Bink, with the carelessness of his new youth, went right ahead and crossed without trouble. So Dor and Dolph followed, now assured that the planks would hold. But Dor made a mental note: he would have to watch to make sure his father didn't do something more foolish than risking a mere dunking in slime. Youth had its liabilities.