Zombie Mage (20 page)

Olligh glanced down and quickly lifted his foot. A
dirty looking hand, half buried in the body parts, wiggled its fingers at him.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry.  There are far too many
lumps of flesh down here that I don't know what's dead or alive."

"Well, are you going to get me out or just stand
there gawping at me?  It hasn't exactly been a joyful experience down
here."

Olligh nodded and resumed shifting the pieces of bone
and flesh onto his separate pile. "So, what's your name?"

"Gull," replied the man.

"That's an interesting name."

"Aye, well - it used to be Gulliver before they
chopped me in half so, I might as well have half a name as I’ve half a
body."

"Oh!" Olligh blinked. "You're
decapitated?"

Gull shook his head. "Afraid so.  They've got
this machine that comes in here every once in a while.  Normally, when the hole
gets full, it swoops down out of the sky and slices everything up."

"Oh, that's terrible!"

"You haven't heard the half of it yet." 
Gull spluttered and laughed loudly.  "Hey, that's a good one, eh?  Half of
it? Eh?"

Olligh stared blankly at Gull, wondering if he should
force a laugh or not.  He managed a faint smile instead. "Indeed, most
amusing."

"Anyway, here was this big machine coming down
towards me and I thought to myself, this is it.  This is the end."

Olligh continued to listen while yanking at a mangled
leg which was stuck between body parts near Gull’s head. It didn't want to
break free, no matter how hard he pulled. "This isn't your leg by chance,
is it?"

Gull gazed at the leg and frowned.  "Bah, don't
be so flippant. I've already told you, I haven't got legs and if by chance it
was my leg, I'm not likely to be wearing pink, sparkly slippers, am I?"

"Sorry... I just thought it best to check with
you first."

Putting all his weight behind the leg, Olligh tugged
ferociously and managed to yank it out.  He toppled backwards, leg in hand.

“Argh! My leg!” Gull screamed.  “You’ve pulled my leg
off!”

Olligh’s eyes fixed on the leg.  He shuddered with
horror and dropped it. “I’m so sorry.  Terribly sorry but you did say you had
no legs.”

Gull’s face softened and he smirked. “Ah ha! Fooled
you.  That’ll teach you for teasing me earlier.”

Olligh shook his head. “That’s shocking. I thought for
a moment that I’d really hurt you.”

"Anyway,” Gull continued, a wide grin on his
face. “Now you've interrupted my story and I've forgotten where I was."

"Erm, you were at the part where the big chopping
machine was descending towards you."

"Ah, yes.  Well, I realised that if you stand in
the corner over here the machine can't reach you.  Mind, it's a shame it took
my legs off before I discovered this."

"That's dreadful. I'm very sorry for your
loss."

"Don't worry about it.  Although it took me a
while to figure out, I know I'm dead but there are others much worse off than
me.  I've seen them come and go from here."

"Where are you originally from, Gull?"

"Little Haven.  It's a fishing village near
Ekelton. Have you heard of it?"

"The name sounds familiar, but it's not somewhere
I can immediately visualise."

"It's a beautiful place and I miss the fishing. 
I always used to tell my wife that if I were to die, I hoped it to be at sea.  I
guess when my fishing boat capsized it came true in the end."

"That's tragic. Did you get knocked
unconscious?"

"No, I can't swim.  I drowned straight
away."

"Oh! How horrible." Olligh removed a few
more body parts from around Gull and smiled. "There, that should do it.  I
can see your shoulders and arms now. Can you reach up to me?"

Gull wiggled his arms and managed to release them from
his entrapment.  With a deep breath, Olligh grabbed under his arms and heaved
him out.  Gull's body was completely sliced in half from his waist downwards. 
It was a perfect cut with no protruding bones visible.

"There you go," Olligh said. "All done,
and might I say, you don't look too bad at all."

"Well, that's very nice of you to say.  It’s
taken me a while to get used to it but at least there's less weight for me to
carry around now."

"Indeed.  The only problem I can foresee is how
do I get you out of here?"

"That's easy.  There's been a few of us down
here.  Some managed to escape over the top by piling up the corpses and
climbing out.  Not sure what's up there though.  I hear the odd loud bang and
screaming now and again."

"No, I don't mean like that.  I'm a mage.  I can
use the cosmos to teleport us out of here but I'm unable to return to my home
world until I find the rest of us.  I’m going to have to take you with me.”

“What? There’s more like us from our world?”

“Yes, you’re the third I’ve found.  I’ve got to find
another two.”

Gull gazed at Olligh inquisitively. “It all sounds a
bit weird. Are you some sort of collector?”

Olligh smiled. “No – I’m sure you don’t like being in
this state.  The Dark Cloaks, back in our world, can help us return to
normality.”

“The Dark Cloaks, eh?  Who are they then?”

“They're cultists.  They worship death and have ways
to help us continue our journey as the cosmos dictates.  In this form we don’t
really have much of a life, I’m sure you’ll agree.”

“Right then.  It sounds good to me.  As you can
imagine, it isn't much fun being stuck in this pile of slop trying to dodge the
slicing machine each day."

"Yes, it's not exactly how I'd expect death to be
either."

"It plays with your mind, you know. I've woken up
once to find myself in a stone chamber and it really freaked me out."

"Oh, don't worry, that's normal. It's merely the
cosmos playing with you. What happened?  Did you see a woman there?"

"No. Back then I had my legs and I tripped on
something in the dark.  Can't remember much after that other than returning
back here."

"Hmm. Never mind.  I suppose for now I could
carry you out of here."

"Good idea. What you’re going to have to do is
strap me to your back.  I spotted some ripped rags lying around here earlier
which you can probably tie together.”

Olligh nodded and began rummaging around the body
parts, searching for the rags.  Eventually, he managed to gather enough to
support Gull and tied them together. Gull clambered on his back and Olligh
secured the loose ends.

“There you go,” Olligh said, adjusting his position. 
“That doesn’t feel too bad.  You’re as light as a feather.”

“Well, there’s a surprise,” Gull mocked. “As I’ve got
no legs and haven’t eaten for weeks, what did you expect?”

Olligh smirked.  “Actually, I’m rather glad.  I’m not
as strong as I used to be and my legs have a tendency to give way on occasion.”

“Now you tell me! If you feel yourself falling, please
try to land on your front and not your back, eh?”

“Will do.  Now grip tightly.  We’ve got an old friend
to visit.”

Olligh held out his hands and summoned the magical
energies of the cosmos –

Veretois Cortisam!

The chamber of bodies began to spin faster and faster.
Colours flashed brightly as he tried to visualise the next location in his
mind’s eye.  Gull held tightly to his neck, almost choking him.

“I think I’m going to vomit!" Gull said.

Then they were gone.

The return trip through the cosmos to the circus went without incident
and they both landed safely on the field outside the tents.  This time the
circus was quiet and void of activity.  The only sound came from seagulls
circling in the cloudless blue sky above.  A cool breeze touched Olligh's face
and the air felt fresh and invigorating.

"Where are we?" Gull asked. "My head's
spinning."

"That's a very good question and one I can't
answer very well. What I do know is that we're at a circus and I couldn't have
timed my visit better."

"Dare I ask why?"

"Well, it's early morning and nobody's about
which should make our task a lot easier.  I need to grab a talking skull called
Marvin."

"A talking skull called Marvin?  You're having a
laugh, aren't you?"

"Seriously, Gull, I wish I was.  To make matters
worse, he doesn’t really want to come with me either. Come on, let's do
this."

Olligh clambered over the fence and returned to the
tent where he previously discovered Marvin.  Inside, the tent remained the same
but the cage was now empty.

"Drat," cursed Olligh. "He's not here
but I think I know where he might be."

"Eh?  He moves about? Does he have legs?"

"No, but an old crone now owns him and she probably
shifts him about from place to place.  Her tent's just around the corner. 
Let's take a peek, but be quiet."

"Sure thing.  My lips are sealed."

Outside, Olligh crept around another tent from which
someone snored quite loudly.  A short walk away from it led to another tent, a
similar size to Marvin's.

"I think it's this one," Olligh whispered.

"Okay." Gull snorted and covered his mouth.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, I was feeling a bit nervous and about to
let one rip but then I realised I haven't got my buttocks anymore."

Olligh shook his head. "How odd."

Gull nodded. "Aye, well... Erm... are we going
inside?"

Olligh tugged the tent flap open and peered inside;
there wasn't much to see. A large chest stood straight ahead of him with a
dimly lit lantern sitting atop. Asleep, in a makeshift bed to his left was the
hag; at least he presumed it was the hag.  She lay on her side and Olligh
immediately noticed her most obvious feature. She had a terribly long, crooked
nose.

"Is that her?" Gull whispered.

"I believe so.  Don't most hags have long
noses?"

"Don't think so.  It might be a fallacy.  We had
a hag in our village and I remember she had a small nose."

"Really?"

  "Aye, mind, she made up for it with her
cleavage.  A popular girl, even if her looks could curdle milk."

"Indeed, well, now isn't really the time to
discuss the virtues of hags.  Can you see a skull anywhere?"

Gull peered over Olligh's shoulder, trying to locate
the missing Walker.  Meanwhile, Olligh stepped closer to the bed to see if he
could spot anything unusual next to it.  Gull tapped his shoulder and pointed
towards the hag. "Psst. There."

"Where?" Olligh asked.  Looking closer, he
noticed the skull on the pillow next to the hag; it was half hidden by her
scraggly hair. "Oh. Yes. Let's take it."

Olligh reached over the sleeping hag and gently lifted
the skull towards him. As he did so, he squealed with pain. Someone had grabbed
between his legs and squeezed him tightly.

"Drop it or lose it," said the hag, her
voice dripping with scorn.

"What's happening?" Gull asked.

Olligh bent forward. "She's grabbed my
bits!"

"Lucky you. At least you still have feeling down
there."

"I'd do as my mistress says," Marvin said.
"She likes a bit of sausage."

Without a second thought, Olligh released the skull.  
The hag sat up and squinted at him, still clenching his crotch tightly.
"You dare to come in here and try to pilfer my skull?"

"Please! Let go," Olligh asked, still bent
over in pain.  "Look, I'm sorry.  Can we just talk about this?"

The hag smirked and released him.

"Talk then before I decide to shrink your heads
and eat them."

"She will as well," Marvin said.
"Already told you she gobbled my tongue and ears."

Olligh grimaced, trying to regain his composure.
"Look here, witch, I-"

"Witch!" screamed the hag. "Do I look
like a witch?"

"Oh, no," Marvin said.  "Now you've
riled her."

"Witches are ugly, warty creatures," she
continued. "They're undignified, chaotic and have no morals."

"Yep, she's a witch," Gull said. 
"Probably something to do with the size of her hooter."

 The hag stood and crossed her arms, obviously
unimpressed with their observations. "Have you not witnessed my power? 
You should be trembling like sheep and fearing for your lives."

Olligh watched the hag, perplexed as to what she was
talking about."Your power? I've not witnessed any of your powers."

Gull tapped Olligh's shoulder. "I think she means
her steady, overpowering grip."