#1.5 Finding Autumn (4 page)

I was attempting to be charismatic, but I was sure sometimes she picked up on how I put distance between us. I could make her think we were friends, but I had to draw the line and let her know it would never be anything more than friendship.

At our post-class breakfast, she opened her strawberry yogurt, and I almost laughed out loud as she licked the top. She did it in the unsexiest way possible, leaving a dollop of yogurt on the tip of her nose. It was hard to merge the image of the girl before me with the one who purportedly begged my stepfather to bed her. I knew she was trying to ditch her old life, but she didn’t realize I needed to know about her past to move on.

“Here, you have yogurt on your nose,” I said and passed her a napkin.

She giggled and took the napkin from my hands. She wiped her face and smiled across the table at me. “Good now?”

More than good
. I almost lost it when the thought entered my head. As more time passed, I had begun to take notice of how gorgeous Autumn looked. She had perfect rosebud lips, large round eyes, and creamy skin that I swore was begging for my touch. Christ, why the hell did I start this dance with her? She had no idea she was sitting across from Thomas Bridges’s stepson. Worse yet, I had only befriended her to dig for information.

My goal had been to keep a clinical detachment when dealing with her. I would think of her merely as a means to an end. She was attractive, but I’d slept with enough gorgeous women, so I figured I could be unaffected by her looks.

Based on my family’s beliefs, Autumn was more than forbidden fruit—she was a poisoned apple that would blacken my insides. But after two weeks of spending time with her, I was getting more confused than ever. Thomas wasn’t the only one who told me how messed up Autumn was in high school—I’d seen the proof online when her friends posted the infamous photos. My stepdad was considered a community leader in Newpine, and the school had rallied behind him, including most of the students and staff there.

“You’re passable. I guess I won’t have to switch seats now,” I said drily.

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t do me any favors. You’re the one who asks me to breakfast after class.”

“Yes, because I’m trying to be friends with you, but you won’t tell me anything about yourself.”

Friends,
I silently told myself
, you must say it over and over again. Cement the idea into both your heads.

“What would you like to know, Blake?” she asked and I picked up on her annoyed tone.

“I don’t know. Do you have any hobbies or play any sports? What are your friends back home like? What’s your family like?” I was firing questions at her because I needed all the answers at once. The sooner I uncovered the truth, the sooner I could crush whatever it was building between us.

Autumn set aside her yogurt and stared at me until the silence turned awkward. I couldn’t look away from her eyes; they always seemed to have the ability to draw me in. They were brown, but the shade was soft enough that in a certain light they appeared gold-rimmed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked when she didn’t say anything.

“Nothing, I just don’t feel like talking about high school again with you,” she said flatly. “I don’t have friends back home, and I don’t play any sports. I warned you that I wasn’t very exciting to hang out with.” She shrugged and returned to eating her yogurt.

At that moment, I realized what a fucking monster I was. I knew Autumn had stopped going to her high school after pressing charges against Thomas. Also, I witnessed the shit said about her online. Asking her about high school was probably bringing back all the crappy memories of the friends she’d been trying to forget.

I didn’t say anything as we continued eating. Maybe it was time to end the charade and tell her who I was. She’d probably freak, but maybe she’d eventually be willing to talk to me about what happened between her and Thomas. Because the more and more time I spent with Autumn—the more doubts I had about Thomas’s innocence.

Being skeptical about him wasn’t something new. It had been a year since I saw him last, and it was mainly because I couldn’t stop questioning his story. Did Autumn Dorey consent or was she forced? And, if she did consent, why the hell did he fool around with her? The sad thing was I seemed to be the only one who felt unsure about him. During visits to the jail, my mom would only talk about the future with him and how wonderful things would be once he was freed. Delia would cry, but would gradually gain comfort from Thomas’s words. She needed to believe in her dad or she’d be completely lost.

I thought back to the last time I’d seen him. For the entirety of the visit, I’d been uncomfortable in my own skin, and I’d counted the seconds until I could leave the prison for good.

***

“I’m not coming back here,” I said, keeping my voice low. I had come alone, not wanting to upset my mother and Delia with my decision.

Thomas’s eyes showed his hurt and confusion. “I know it’s hard for you to see me like this, but I could be home before you know it. The max sentence was five years and my lawyer said—”

My rage pulsed just below the surface. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t sit here and pretend you’re some great guy. If it was up to me, my mom would divorce you and move as far away as possible.”

“Blake, you can’t mean that. I told you over and over again how sorry I am, but my punishment doesn’t fit the crime.” Thomas sounded devastated and his words did stir something inside me. But I fought against the pity I felt for him. He continued. “You have to understand. Your mother and I were having problems at the time. I was looking for some kind of comfort, and I made a mistake by turning to Autumn for that comfort.”

I glared at him. “Do you take any kind of responsibility? I had to practically empty out my college fund to stop our house from going into foreclosure. Del had to switch schools because of the fallout. You can’t tell me all of this is some seventeen-year-old girl’s fault.” I turned my back on him. “I need time. Time to figure out if you were ever the man I thought you were.”

***

I left the prison with the resolution not to see Thomas again until I figured things out. I wished I could say I never turned back, but I did. Although I was angry, it didn’t change the fact that I loved him. I thought the love had been unconditional, but I had started to realize that maybe there were some flaws too great to overlook.

“Did you slip into a coma for a minute there? I doubt I’m that boring.” Autumn’s soft voice shattered the memory of last year’s visit with my stepdad. My mother had been incensed over my refusal to visit Thomas in prison, but she relied on me too much to press the issue.

“No, boring wouldn’t be a word I’d use to describe you.” It was time for a subject change. “So, did you start studying for the quiz next week?”

Autumn appeared as relieved as I was to move away from talking about her past. Her apprehension made me understand that there was leftover pain dwelling inside her. All at once, I no longer wanted to question her further. Because I had a sinking feeling the truth was going to hurt a thousand times more than the lies I’d been told. 

Chapter Five

The drinking was becoming an issue. It wasn’t a mystery why I’d become a sloppy drunk again. Autumn Dorey had managed to get under my skin and I was trying to drink enough to forget about her. Although each night I resolved to end whatever it was that we had, the oath crumbled when I came face to face with her. She looked at me in a way that spun my head, contracted my heart, and gave me temporary amnesia. Her sweet laugh and contagious smile made me ache to bring her into my arms. I could almost forget who we were and feign we were just two college kids starting a beautiful new friendship.

After another night of blackout drinking, I woke up naked in my bed with a blonde next to me. My mouth was dry and a piercing headache pounded behind my temples. I thought I was losing my mind when my eyes ran down the length of her bare back to the dark blue blanket bunched around her waist. For a split second, I swore it was Autumn. The fear that I had just fucked up both of our lives completely hit me like an avalanche. How could I possibly explain myself to anyone? How could I have sex with Autumn Dorey—the only girl in the entire world who was one hundred percent off limits?

I had come to understand I had very little control over my body’s reaction to her. My eyes followed her every move from the second she walked through the door of our art class. I’d study the way she bit on the tip of her pen and watch the sexy way her mouth moved as she listened intently to the lecture. I’d let my mind wander and think about the things that mouth could be doing to me. My eyes would dip lower and the fantasy would get hotter and dirtier with images of me tearing off her clothes and bending her tight ass over one of the desks in the classroom.

It felt wrong to want her, and I hated that I was powerless to stop the way she was getting in my head. And now I somehow ended up in bed with her.

Seconds later, my vision cleared and Autumn’s image was replaced by Kaylee. I held onto the relief I felt and tried to ignore the disappointment. Kaylee cheered for Cook University and I’d known her since my sophomore year. We had an uncomplicated relationship and she liked to refer to us as “fuck friends.” Our claim to each other didn’t extend beyond a late night call for me to go to her dorm room or for her to come over to the apartment.

“Third time this week you called me, Preston. Someone has turned into quite the horny bastard,” Kaylee groaned as she rolled over onto her back and met my eyes. I stared at her small, perky breasts and tried to get aroused. If I focused on Kaylee, I hoped I could forget about how uncomfortably hard I’d gotten when I thought she was Autumn.

“Thanks for coming over,” I murmured. I wanted to rail at my uncooperative cock, but figured it was more important to cut the visit short with Kaylee before she noticed anything was wrong. I searched for a pair of boxers to put on.

“The pleasure is all mine.” Kaylee gave me a self-satisfied smirk. “Seriously, it was all mine. I don’t know if it’s because you’ve been so wasted, but you’ve been lasting forever.”

I pulled on my boxers as I heard Kaylee starting to get out of bed from behind me. I noticed an empty condom wrapper on top of the garbage can and it took away a small amount of the unease over my blackout. Since I didn’t remember calling Kaylee, all I could feel was some small relief that even during a blackout, getting the wrapper on must have become auto-pilot by now.

My relationship with Kaylee was probably as unhealthy as the drinking. I was using her—probably thinking if I screwed her enough, I’d forget about my unwanted attraction to Autumn. Kaylee made it clear that she couldn’t care less what the reasons were that we slept together, but her willingness didn’t make me feel any less shitty.

Kaylee’s arms wrapped around my waist, and she started raining kisses down my back. I turned to face her and gave her a soft smile. She was utterly gorgeous—long blonde hair, hazel eyes, and a fantastic, curvy body with a nice rack. I should’ve been primed for round two, but seeing her naked next to me in the morning with no memory about how she got there wasn’t sitting well.

I hesitated. “You deserve better than what I can offer you.”

Kaylee’s laugh was a surprise. She looked at me with an open and unworried expression. “I don’t want anything else from you. It’s not like I’m looking for a boyfriend. And, if I was”—she added bluntly, raising her eyebrows—“it wouldn’t be you.”

Her scornful words bounced off of me. She was telling the truth—I was definitely not boyfriend material. “I know,” I said. “But I can’t remember anything from last night. You should’ve just hung up when I called.”

Kaylee ran her long red fingernails up and down the front of my bare chest. “What’s going on with you lately? Are you in the middle of a breakdown or something?”

It was my turn to laugh, but drily. She had no idea how bad things were. I was avoiding my family and spending more time with Autumn. My motives were evolving, and I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and claim the only reason I hung out with her was to find out if she had been dishonest about her attack. I
liked
her. She was kind and funny and she could be a ball-buster. It was a quality I admired—mainly because no one treated me that way besides Delia and Darien. Most of my friendships were artificial—partly because I didn’t share my past—and also because, outside of football, I really didn’t seem to matter.

“Not a breakdown, I just have a lot of stuff going on.”

Kaylee brushed a light kiss across my lips. “I’m your friend, Preston. So if you ever feel like talking, give me a call. I’ve known you for a long time, and I can tell when something’s wrong.”

I kissed her back. “Thanks.”

Maybe sex with Kaylee wasn’t cathartic, but with Autumn in the picture, it was the safest thing for me. Having casual, no-strings-attached sex was the only kind of relationship I had room for in my life at the moment. And, even if I was willing to date anyone long-term, it could never be Autumn.

Five minutes later, Kaylee finished getting dressed and left with a promise to call me. I would’ve offered her breakfast, but I doubted anything edible was left in the fridge. I hoped there was at least Vitamin Water readily available because I had a raging hangover and my head was pounding too hard to try and venture out to the store yet.

Darien was in the kitchen and my stomach roiled over the smell of eggs cooking. I usually had an iron gut, and my urge to puke was more proof that I’d gotten entirely too carried away last night. Vaguely, I remembered digging out a bottle of Smirnoff from the kitchen after Darien had left for a party. Vodka never treated me well, and my memory of even its smell explained a lot.

After pulling a Vitamin Water out of the fridge, I set it on the counter. I rested my head on the granite countertop and moaned. I could feel Darien looking at me, and finally he said, unimpressed, “I saw Kaylee leave.”