150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (29 page)

PRODUCER
Peter Horak

WRITER
Peter Horak

DIRECTOR
Peter Horak

STARS
Denny Sachen (
Steven Hillman
), Bruce Glover (
Dr. Van Helsing
), Kerry Dustin (
Carla/Julia
), and Ernest M. Garcia and Tom McGowan (
Dracula
)

After his fiancée (Dustin) drowns, Steven (Sachen) goes on a European vacation to get over his loss. Naturally, being in mourning, he heads for Transylvania, where he encounters a woman who is the exact double of his dead love (also played by Dustin) — who actually is his dead love, having been brought magically back to life by a shooting star. Steven also ends up fighting Dracula.

Why It Sucks

If you're thinking John McClane going up against vampires, you're not that far off. In fact, if they'd stuck with that, the filmmakers would have been better off. Unfortunately, they had a minuscule budget, not to mention writer/director Peter Horak, and a rancid collection of actors and crew. That said, the script is the best thing here. Maybe someone should think about a remake.

The Crappies

The Worst Autuer Award goes to …
Peter Horak for taking a fun idea and turning it into a film that displays just about every kind of bad filmmaking there is.

And the Worst Acting Award goes to …
Denny Sachen for playing an Everyday Joe who is as boring as a real-life Everyday Joe.

They Really Said It!

Steven
: I'm an American. We're tough.

Betcha Didn't Know

Peter Horak worked as stuntman in a number of movies and television shows throughout the 1980s and 1990s, including such high-profile productions as the 1988 Steven Seagal film
Above the Law
and 1998's superhero comedy
Mystery Men
.

Bruce Glover is a prolific character who has played villains in A-list movies such as
Diamonds Are Forever
,
China Town
, and countless television series. Somewhere along the way, he slipped into Z-grade horror movies, including this one and
Warlock: The Armagedon
.

Trivia Quiz

Which of the following actors has not played Dracula onscreen?

A: Gary Oldman

B: Jack Palance

C: George Hamilton

D: George Clooney

Answer: D. George Clooney. Gary Oldman played Dracula in the oh-so-inaccurately named
Bram Stoker's Dracula
in 1992; George Hamilton took a crack at the character's comedic side in 1979's Love at First Bite; and Jack Palance amped up the tragically romantic qualities of the character, in 1973's
Dracula.

PRODUCERS
Thomas Smead (executive producer) and Joe Dain (producer)

WRITER
August White

DIRECTOR
Charles Band

STARS
David Weidoff (
Alistair
), Brian Lloyd (
Brett
), John Patrick Jordan (
Larnell
), Kristyn Green (
Janet
), Robin Snyder (
Luann
), Mitch Eakins (
Bachman
), Michele Mais (
Voice of the Evil Bong
), and Tommy Chong (
Jimbo Leary
)

When his pot-smoking roommates and the lovely Janet (Green) fall victim to the mysterious powers of the Voodoo-cursed Evil Bong, it's up to the nerdy, straight-laced Alistair (Weidoff) to save them all.

Why It Sucks

Evil Bong
is part stoner comedy, part horror movie spoof. It's also a far more effective antidrug movie than say,
Reefer Madness
or a lot of the antidrug after-school specials. Unfortunately, this is a sad, under-budgeted movie that falls short of its potential. It feels as if the filmmaker put together the footage and said, “That's the outline of the movie I want to make.”

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Picture Award goes to …
Producer Joe Dain for failing to get this film the resources it needed to make a good movie.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Charles Band for his inability to make the picture work within the tiny budget. I mean, it's been done before, but he couldn't do it. What we get is a talking bong with a badly animated face and a “Bongworld” that feels like a hangover in a skid row strip club at 10
A.M.

They Really Said It!

Larnell
: If there's one thing this pad is lacking, it's a killer fucking bong.

Betcha Didn't Know

Tommy Chong, true to his comedy stoner image, ran an Internet business that sold bongs and marijuana pipes. He was among fifty-five people arrested in 2003 on federal drug paraphernalia charges and was sentenced to nine months in prison and $120,000 in fines.

The 2009 sequel,
Evil Bong 2: King Bong
, unites the cast of the first film to battle a lingering curse cast upon them.

Trivia Quiz

What movie made to warn about the dangers of marijuana use became a cult comedy hit among stoners?

A:
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
(2004)

B:
Reefer Madness
(1936)

C:
Jailbait
(2004)

D:
Up In Smoke
(1978)

Answer: B.
Reefer Madness
. Originally titled
Tell Your Children
, this 1938 film is an over the-top cautionary tale about the evils of drugs.

PRODUCER
Maximiliano Pérez Floréz

WRITER
Jacinto Molina Álvarez

DIRECTOR
José María Zabalza

STARS
Paul Naschy (
Waldemar Daninsky
), Perla Cristal (
Dr. Ilona
Elmann
), and Veronica Lujan (
Karen
)

When a globe-trotting scientist (Naschy) contracts lycanthropy, he becomes the latest subject of the twisted experiments of a mad scientist (Cristal) and her all-woman team of graduate student assistants.

Why It Sucks

The Fury of the Wolfman
should have been titled
Moonlight Strolls
of the Wolfman.
Or possibly
The Tasmanian Devil's Really, Really
Bad Day
. Rather than dismembering hapless peasants, the wolfman spends much of his time wandering about. And when he's snarling, he sounds exactly like the Tasmanian Devil from old Bugs Bunny cartoons. All in all, this is an unintentionally hilarious rather than horrifying film.