150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (27 page)

Answer: B. Although the greatest risk to humans who are bitten by leeches is an infection to the bite area, bacteria, viruses and parasites left over from previous meals can exist in the leech for months.

PRODUCERS
John De Bello, Steve Peace, and Mark L. Rosen

WRITERS
John De Bello, Costa Dillon, Steve Peace, and Rick Rockwell

DIRECTOR
John De Bello

STARS
David Miller (
Mason Dixon
), George Wilson (
Jim Richardson
), Sharon Taylor (
Lois Fairchild
), Rock Peace (
Lt. Wilbur Finletter
), and Gary Smith (
Sam Smith
)

When killer tomatoes rampage through America, government beauracrats try to cover it up by putting their worst agents on the job of stopping the deadly veggies/fruits, including researcher Mason Dixon (Miller). Will the bungling agents rise above them-selves to save the day, or are we all doomed?

Why It Sucks

Well, you can't say they didn't try.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
is a great title and the movie has an even better theme song and a hilarious concept. Where it all went to pieces was in the less-than-stellar execution. Low-budget doesn't even do justice to the movie's effects. How about no budget? To make up for this, the director padded the running time, which squashes the comedy more solidy than a stepped-on overripe tomato. (Sorry about that. But you knew there was going to be a tomato joke in this entry.)

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Hope and Change Award goes to …
John De Bello, Costa Dillon, Steve Peace, and Rick Rockwell for writing a running gag in the film about Congress being a do-nothing bunch of nitwits and the president not being any better.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
John De Bello for trying for sight gags that are beyond his budget and technical capabilities.

They Really Said It!

Dr. Nokitofa
: Technically sir, tomatoes are fags.

Dr. Morrison
: He means fruits.

Betcha Didn't Know

The helicopter crash that marks the arrival of two of the films main characters was genuine; the helicopter was just supposed to land but the pilot clipped the stabilizer on a small rise and then lost control. The actors ad-libbed lines about the crash after they were pulled from the wreck.

The key to defeating the tomatoes was “borrowed” in its entirety for the Tim Burton-directed sci-fi comedy
Mars Attacks
as the method for defeating the Martian invaders. In
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
, the frightful fruits are destroyed when the song “Puberty Love” is played. In
Mars Attacks
, the Martians' heads explode when they hear Slim Whitman's “Indian Love Call.”

Trivia Quiz

What is Matt Cameron, the performer of “Puberty Love,” better known for?

A: Being the face of Heinz Ketchup during the 1980s

B: Being the former drummer of Soundgarden, and the current drummer of Pearl Jam

C: Being the original lead singer for pioneering grunge rock band Nirvana

D: Playing Johnny Cash in
Johnny Cash Battles the Martians

Answer: B. Former drummer of Soundgarden, current drummer of Pearl Jam. Cameron was 16 when he recorded the song, singing in a high-pitched falsetto voice. “Puberty Love” is an awful song that kills Killer Tomatoes.

PRODUCER
Michael Raso

WRITER
Brett Piper

DIRECTOR
Brett Piper

STARS
Misty Mundae (
Crystal
), Michael R. Thomas (
Ralph Vivino
), Sylvianne Chebance (
Gina
), Julian Wells (
Teresa
), Caitlin Ross (
Amber
), Rob Monkiewicz (
Terrence “Buzz” O'Reilly
), Erika Smith (
Trix
), and John Fedele (
Myles McCarthy
)

A failing strip club is invaded by monstrous spiders whose venom either brings out repressed sides of a victim's personality or turns them into hideous mutants.

Why It Sucks

The director manages to nicely spoof monster movies from the 1950s as well as soft-core porn films. But no matter how good a job the sexy actresses do — and they do better than their resumes might make you think — they can't overcome the unfocused script and its irrelevant subplots.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Director Award goes to …
Brett Piper for failing to recognize that when someone picks up a DVD starring Misty Mundae, Julian Wells, and Caitlin Ross he expects to see a
whole
lot more nakedness and sex than
Bite Me!
contains.

And the Worst Writer Award goes to …
Brett Piper for failing to recognize that the heart and soul of his story was the strip club and its denizens. Not to mention the idea that the bugs mutate as a result of ingesting tainted marijuana.

They Really Said It!

Ralph
: Somebody better get that God dame off the stage, right now!

Betcha Didn't Know

Misty Mundae has been working toward a film studies degree in recent years, and she has released one of her student films (
Voodoun Blues
in 2004) on DVD.

In an age of cheap CGI, Brett Piper continued to use stop-motion miniatures in his films.

Trivia Quiz

Why did actress Misty Mundae change her name to E rin Brown?

A: She wanted to disassociate herself from the soft-core porn of her early career

B: She was tired of having a name that invoked a New Order song

C: She entered the Federal Witness Protection program

D: She parted ways with the production company for which she had made virtually all of her early films, but she did not own the rights to the Misty Mundae stage name.

Answer: D. Mundae from 1999-2004 starred in over thirty-five soft-core horror-and/or comedy tinged soft-core porn films produced by E.I. Independent for its various labels. By 2004 she had tired of erotic filmmaking and wanted to branch out into other things. E.I., which had invested much in making Misty Mundae a symbol of their brand of entertainment, did not let her take the name with her, so she started making movies as Erin Brown.