18 Things (22 page)

In another envelope, I found some goofy pictures my friends and I took in middle school. One of me and Nic showed her talking on a cell phone and me holding my Pooh bear. Obviously the photo shoot was one of those deals where we could bring our own props from home. To make it even cheesier, we wore matching outfits: denim miniskirts with red turtlenecks and black penny loafer shoes without socks—so we could show off our friendship ankle bracelets. My hair was in the standard pigtail braids, a frizzy mess, and her black hair was neatly woven into a half-ponytail.

In Conner’s picture, Sean leaned down on a huge white Bengal tiger that stood to his waist, and Conner wrote a caption from the tiger’s mouth: “This kid on me is weird.”

A snort of laughter escaped me as I studied Conner’s trademark cocky grin, Sean’s closemouthed smile—an effort to hide the braces he wore back then—and Kyle smiling wide, his blue eyes twinkling of mischief. I turned the photo over, and sure enough, there was Conner’s handwriting. “Eighth grade has been fun. Now you have this awesome picture to remember us! Have a great summer. I’ll probably see ya around, like tomorrow! Hahaha. Yeah, baby, we’re gonna be high schoolers next year!”

A silent sob rose in my throat. My elementary and middle school yearbooks lined the bottom of the trunk, but I ignored them, piling everything back in and shutting it fiercely before placing it back on the shelf. I felt terrified all of a sudden, like nothing was familiar, not even my past. I pushed the button to close the garage and climbed into Dad’s Ford. He always left the keys in the truck, trusting in the safety of our small town. But this place hadn’t felt safe for me since Conner died. Sure, Nate’s presence had been helping, but I’d screwed that up. Maybe I should’ve just reopened the garage and drove right out of town, not stopping until I reached the California coast. Better yet, leave the garage closed, turned on the car, and let carbon monoxide poisoning take me away to that place somewhere over the rainbow like Dorothy sang about in
The Wizard of Oz
, some place where Conner still lived.

A lump formed in my throat as I turned the key in the ignition. The automatic light from the garage door opener shut off just as Dad’s headlights flashed on.

Perfect timing, something that never happened in my life.

I sighed and turned the dial on the radio, searching and praying for a song that would speak to me.

Norah Jones’ version of
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
, singing about troubles melting like lemon drops, stilled me.
Weird
. I’d just been thinking of this tune moments ago, and now here it was. I couldn’t believe this was a mere coincidence.

Slumping over the wheel, I sung along to the lyrics, but my shoulders quaked and my voice broke. I leaned to the side and opened the glove compartment, in search of the napkins Dad always stockpiled in there. Sure enough, some spilled onto the floor.

Reaching down to pick them up, I discovered a white envelope with “Olga” written in black ink. I wondered if Dad bought the card for my birthday and then forgot about it. Since the rectangular paper had my name on it, I tore it open. The front had a picture of a lake and birds hovering near a rainbow in the sky. The eerie thing wasn’t just that the photo matched the song, but I thought I remembered him getting me this card before.

In red letters it said, “Daughter, This Birthday I Want You to Know What a Special Person You Are.” I stared down at the card, déjà vu making it hard to comprehend the words. But I opened it up and read the inside anyway. “You are strong with the strength to carry your dream to completion. You are determined with the desire to meet the world on your own terms, and I never doubt that you will. You are your own person, and you always will be. You are the promise of the future, so precious and rare, and even though you lose faith sometimes, I always believe in you. I love you so much… Happy Birthday, sweetheart. XXOO—Dad.”

My heart froze, then pounded, and my face flushed. I turned off the truck and blew my nose into a spare napkin from Jumpin’ Java. I
knew
he got me that same exact card for my fourteenth birthday. I never thought a card could stay in circulation that long, but I remembered it well because the words touched me back then as much as they did now. I wondered if Dad recalled buying me the same card and made the purchase on purpose, or if the song and card was just another happy coincidence. Whatever the case, both were just what I needed.

“Olga! Are you out here?”

Disoriented, I glanced at my watch. My friends were picking me up for tonight’s celebration, and nobody had a clue as to where I was. I snuck out the side door of the garage and made a loop around the back before coming to the front.

“There you are!” Nic exclaimed.

“Your dad said he left you in the garage, but the door was shut so we were worried. You really should keep your cell with you at all times.” Tammy eyeballed me suspiciously as she tossed me my phone.

I guessed they tried to call when I was AWOL and heard it ringing in my room.

“Where were you?”

I wrapped both of my friends in an uncharacteristic hug. “Nowhere. Just went for a walk.” I looked at Nate, his head down, standing by the SUV with Kyle and Sean. Pawing a hand through my hair, I tried to think of a way to make up for ignoring Nate for so long. “And now I’m ready to firewalk!”

That statement couldn’t have been further from the truth, but hopefully it helped to lighten the mood.

We loaded into Tammy’s Lexus and headed for Cedar Springs. As I turned my eyes toward the window, I really did feel like the dark clouds were behind me, that maybe turning eighteen was a new beginning for me.

I sat up front with Tammy; Kyle, Sean, and Nicole were in the back seat, and Nate was shoved in the cargo space. Dressed in the new outfit Nicole gave me, I held the Magic 8-Ball in my lap.

“Remember how you said no to getting tattooed?” Tammy asked.

My body tensed. “Yeah.”

“Ask the thingy about it.”

I sighed. “Should I get a tattoo?” The liquid sloshed around as I shook. “Ha! My sources say no.”

She stuck out her tongue at me. “Ask it if you should go on a date with Nate.”

According to the rules of my list, I had to ask, so I did. The radio was cranked loud enough where I didn’t think Nate heard our convo anyway. “Ask again later.”

“Darn. That thing is on your side.”

“Not really. I’m here, aren’t I?” I teased, kind of.

Tammy shot me a disappointed look. “I think we should’ve forced you to 8-ball it all year.”

I wrapped my arms around the ball protectively. “Why?”

She shook her head. “Because the whole point of it is to do things you’re unprepared for, and a good guy is one of those things. That’s what makes them so wonderful. You should give Nate a chance.”

Slouching in my seat, I didn’t say another word the whole way there. I may have been ready to tackle some new things, but not love.

Before firewalking, we sat around a path of coals, on log benches, listening to a motivational speech from the guy who owned the place.

“Firewalking is a rite of passage. So it’s only fitting we have someone here tonight for her eighteenth birthday.”

The small crowd cheered as my friends shouted, “Olga Gay Worontzoff,” embarrassing me.

“Tonight is a test of your strength, courage, and faith as you try to focus mind over matter. In my life, I’ve learned to be content, whatever the circumstances, knowing everything happens for a reason. Our destinies aren’t thwarted by our failures. We’re not bound to our pain. Nobody’s perfect, so you just have to trust your gut and follow your heart to live a full life, and that’s what this experience is about. Free your mind. Napoleon Hill once said, ‘What the mind can conceive, it can achieve.’ Let’s meditate for a while.”

The air was thick with the smell of burning coals as our meditation guy began what he called a five-minute body check-in to create a sense of unity with body, mind, and spirit. Strangely, this technique did force my body to relax.

When we were done, Sean turned to me. “May the force be with you.”

I made the sign of the crucifix. “And also with you.”

Nate went first since he was the expert. He walked across the hot coals as easily as I imagined Jesus walking across water. Sean ran the length of the firewalk, screaming like a girl the whole way. Nicole swore like a Jersey member of the mafia when it was her turn. Kyle asked us to do a drum roll, so we all banged our hands on our thighs as loud as we could. And of course, Tammy did a cheer:

“The making of a champion”—clap, clap—“Stand up and cheer”—clap, clap—“It’s our destiny”—clap, clap—“This will be our year”—clap, clap—“Yay!”

Nate touched my arm. “You’re next, birthday girl.”

“I don’t know if I can do this.” I pulled at my ponytail, fighting back tears.

He tapped the side of my head. “You can do anything you set your mind to, remember?”

Tammy began the count down from ten, the small crowd catching on and joining her from eight. “Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, firewalk.”

I stared at Nate, my lips and chin trembling, and he extended his hand. I took hold of it, and with the longest stride I could muster, walked across the coals, gripping his fingers harder with each movement.

Everyone cheered as I traveled my last few steps, but I kept marching because straight ahead, people dipped their bare feet in a small pond.

Adrenaline pumping, I didn’t even feel the heat, but that didn’t stop me from launching myself up to my thighs before registering the coolness of the water. It reminded me of the night Conner died, how I was so cold I was numb. That made me even colder, but I remained frozen to the spot in the middle of the pond.

“Hey, you okay?” Nate asked.

I just stood there, eyes glazed.

He wrapped his lumberjack styled flannel around me, then guided me to the water’s edge. My feet sunk into the grass as we walked through the woods together, the moon, full and yellow, lighting our path. Eventually we were back at the log benches and he sat me down, dried my feet with a towel, then put my socks and shoes back on. He handed me a thermos and ordered me to drink. Thankfully there was coffee inside.

So many thoughts of Conner raced through my head. I wished he was there to celebrate my journey into adulthood. The war within me raged on, wanting to forget, but wanting to hold on. I couldn’t make sense of anything, so I turned to Nate, my voice strained, “Tell me a dream.”

Before I started ignoring him, our discussions over sudden lucid dreams we had when we ‘slept’ were my favorite conversations. It seemed like neither one of us had really been able to fully fall asleep since our accidents, and our dreams were always vivid and often involved each other. The whole thing was more creepy than when Luke and Leia kissed in
Star Wars
.

Nate’s eyes blazed, but his smile was mischievous. “You were featured in a dream I had last night.”

I sucked in a quick breath but kept my eyes on the sky, afraid to look at him, afraid of how hard I could fall if I let Conner go. “Only featured? I should’ve been the main star! I am the birthday girl after all.”

He agreed and went on to tell me such an absurd dream that I was sure he humored me, but I still loved every little detail. I wished I could be surrounded by nothing but nature and the sound of Nate’s voice keeping me company forever.

“I got you something for your birthday.”

Gesturing to the firewalk with one hand and holding up the Magic 8-Ball with the other, I said, “Did I forget to tell you thanks?”

Without saying a word, he reached into his pocket and retrieved a lavender, jewelry pouch, then handed it to me.

“For me?”

He nodded.

I untied the strings, then turned over the bag and dumped the contents into my open palm. A blue glass pendant on a sterling silver necklace with a diamond in the middle dropped into my hand. “Oh my gosh. It’s the necklace I saw at the Coast Guard Festival. How did you know?”

Nate just shrugged, but the words he spoke the night jerkface almost assaulted me echoed faintly in the back of my mind, when Nate told me he always sees me. Not in a creepy stalker way though.

I reached out and wrapped him in a hug. “Thank you so, so, so much. You really shouldn’t have done all this. It’s way too much.” It really was too much. I mean, the necklace must’ve been on a major sale because I’m pretty sure I remember it costing around five-hundred.

He held me, making me warm again, like a fire burned in my soul a thousand times hotter than the coals I walked over. After a moment, Nate leaned back and took the necklace from me. He fastened the clasp around my neck, and my heart thumped erratically.

A chorus of Happy Birthday interrupted us as the rest of our gang approached, Tammy leading the way with a lit cupcake. I blew out the candle, wishing for success at completing the eight things left on my list before I left for college.

“Did you make a bucket list wish?” Sean asked.

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.” My response was muffled, since I’d already shoved half of the pumpkin spice cupcake into my mouth.