18 Things (6 page)

“The only rules that matter are these:
what a man can do and what a man can’t do.”
―Captain Jack Sparrow

ucking in deep, calming breaths as I left Dr. Judy’s office, I searched for a bathroom to have my nervous breakdown in private, and of course, I couldn’t find one anywhere. I knew there was one in the ER lobby through the double doors up ahead, but there was not a chance in Hell I was going there. Too many haunting memories. Loria on her knees, Robert holding his arms around her shaking frame. Conner lying still on a table. I shook my head, trying to shake my thoughts away. Grief had become my smug companion. Maybe rushing into the ER and screaming at the walls would prove therapeutic.
Are you happy with yourself? Do you know what you’ve done? You took a seventeen-year-old kid away from his parents, from his friends, from a girl who loved him more than life itself!
Instead, I altered my course and backtracked. When I bore right, I spotted two nurses talking animatedly while Toe-touch Tammy stepped out of the elevator.

What is she doing here?
Panicking again, I slinked into a supply room.

“What happened?” asked Tammy, her muffled voice filtering through the door.

With my ear pressed against the cold metal, I listened as a nurse explained. “Your father suddenly vomited up blood after drinking several beers at the bar up the street. The owner called for an ambulance right away, and the paramedics brought your dad to the ER. He had internal bleeding, part of liver failure. The blood vessels in his gut burst. Our liver specialist stopped the bleeding, using an endoscope—a flexible tube with a tv camera at the end. Then the doctor used a balloon to press on the vessels.”

The elevator doors dinged, and I heard Tammy speak in an exasperated voice. “Thank you so much for coming.”

The sound of heavy sobs followed, and my eyes glistened with sudden tears for my archenemy.

“I’m the Fitzgerald’s neighbor,” said a woman with a quavering voice, whom I assumed must have stepped out of the elevator since I heard the doors ding. “Tammy called me on her way over. What happened?”

“Alcoholic hepatitis,” the nurse announced. “I’ve just finished telling her about it. We’re treating him with a blood transfusion now, but he’ll need to stay with us for the next three weeks to recover. Tammy, how much does your father drink in a typical day?”

“Six to eight beers.” She sniffled.

“That’ll do it,” stated the nurse. “And how long has this gone on?”

“Since the day I was born,” Tammy responded in a weepy voice. “I’m his only child. Mom died during childbirth, and he took up drinking afterward to deal with the grief.”

Staggering backwards, I drew a hand to my heart and remembered the afternoon Conner died.

The school parking lot was nearly deserted while I waited for him by his Hybrid. My gaze flitted in search of Conner and then to the
Lord of the Flies
book I was reading for English class, never able to focus on either task for long. One of the vehicles, a Lexus, belonged to Toe-touch Tammy. As if summoned, she paraded like a peacock around the side of the building, with two other cheerleaders. I debated fleeing for a second, but then…

“Hey, Olga!” Tammy put out her cigarette on the asphalt and blew smoke in my face.

I coughed but managed to fight off potential asthma attack number two for the day. Waving a geekazoid prop like an inhaler in front of Tammy would be worse than pulling Star Wars figurines out of my pocket and playing with them.

“So, um, like, how was your day?” Tammy asked, as if she cared. Lately, she kept messing with me, as if making me miserable was high on her priority list.

I had no idea why, because honestly, I wasn’t that important.

“You look so cute waiting here for Conner, like a lost puppy.” One of her cronies scoffed. Oh yeah, there was her reason. She was in love with Conner, too. Half of the school loved him.

“I don’t really speak cheerleader, but let me see if I can put this in terms you’ll understand. O-M-G, my day was like
sooo
totally fabulous, girlfriend! Eww, I think I just broke a nail! Gotta go!”

As I bolted past her, figuring I’d head inside to search for Conner, she snagged my sweater and jerked me backwards. “Listen, go ahead and have your mercy sailing date with Conner—”

I shoved her hand away and wondered how she even knew he and I were sailing. “I don’t need your permission.”

My cheeks burned, but there was no way I was letting Tammy get to me.

She held up her palm in a talk-to-the-hand way. “I’m still the one he’s taking to prom.”

She flicked my hair, and I had a sudden urge to hurl my textbooks at her.

“In one week, I’ll make
all
his dreams come true and beat you like the redheaded ugly stepchild you are.”

A million insults flashed through my mind. Somehow, one of Mom’s annoying life lessons popped into my head, telling me to be the better person, and I tried responding appropriately.

“Yeah, I get it. You’re prettier than I am,” I said. And she was, with her model tan legs, blonde hair with a cute inverted bob, blue eyes, and a chest too big to be natural. I was short, five-foot-two to be exact, with unruly long hair, fair skin with freckles dotting my nose and cheeks, glasses, and boobs that definitely couldn’t match her Victoria Secret double D size. “Now that I’ve admitted it, why don’t you get over yourself and get a life instead of messing with mine?”

She threw her head back in mock laughter. “Is that the best you got? Oh, I
really
don’t have anything to worry about. You’re ugly, poor,
and
pathetic.”

My mind snapped back to the present, and I heard the nurse tell Tammy she could see her father now.

“Just beware. He won’t look good. His skin and eyes are a bright yellow, and his stomach is very swollen from the fluid. We’ll drain some of the fluid during the next three weeks, but the rest will need to drain on its own through alcohol abstinence. He’ll need you to be strong for him. It’s a lot to ask of someone your age.”

“There’s nobody else. So, if you’ll excuse me.” The roughness was back in her voice, and I heard her high heels click past me and down the hall.

“Sure is a beautiful girl.” From the sound of the soothing tone, I think it was the nurse who commented.

“Yes,” agreed the elderly neighbor. “She models to help pay the bills. She’s quite successful though, even won a Lexus through some modeling contest.”

My stomach slammed down to my feet, and I felt lightheaded as I tried to process all this new information about Toe-touch Tammy.
She models to pay the bills? She’s not rich? Her dad is an alcoholic? She lost her mom and feels responsible for her death?

Maybe it was possible—even probable—we had more in common than anyone else I knew.

I yelped as the doorknob turned and the nurse’s face showed she was equally surprised to see me.

“Um… I’m looking for the bathroom?”

She squinted, seeming unconvinced, then pointed. “One door down.”

Of course.
Forcing a small smile, I muttered “thanks” and rushed into the stall.

I didn’t walk back to The Bookman afterward. Instead, I took an extended lunch break. I didn’t want to stay indoors. I didn’t even want to stay in my skin, but I didn’t have a choice about that. So I headed to the hospital cafeteria for some coffee and then sat outside in the courtyard. I sent a text to Nic so she wouldn’t worry when I didn’t return for a couple of hours, maybe even for the rest of my work shift. I just needed some time to think, about eighteen things apparently.

Thank you, Dr. Judy.

The air was the stuffy kind of humid, and I should’ve ordered something cold. Still, it seemed fitting for the temperature to match my personal Hell.

Was it too early to call it a day?
Truthfully, I just wanted to go home and sleep. I wondered if the saying ‘time heals all wounds’ still worked its magic if I slept through all my days. I didn’t feel like staying outdoors anymore, of hearing birds chirp and viewing the cloudless sky. But getting up seemed like too much work.

“Got a match?” Tammy’s voice came from behind a pair of tall shrubs and startled me.

Breathing in slow and even, I barely shook my head.

She walked around to face me, pulled a matchbook from the pocket of her jeans, lit a cigarette then puffed smoke in my face.

“If you already had a match, why’d you ask me for one?”

She mimicked my smug tone. “I thought it’d be more ironic if I lit you on fire with your own match.”

I did what I should’ve done the day Conner died: ignored her. I pushed past her to go inside, but she stepped ahead of me and blocked the door.

“What are you doing here? Punishing yourself for killing my prom date?”

Shaking violently, I took a series of quick, short breaths. She was only going to prom with Conner because she’d tricked him. I was about to tell her I knew about her scheming ways. Then I reminded myself of the conversation I overheard in the hallway earlier. “I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he’ll be okay.”

Pursing her perfect lips, she asked, “How’d you hear about Daddy?”

I offered a sad smile. “News travels fast in a small town.”

Flicking her cigarette in the air, the wind carried her ashes across the landscape. “Quit trying to change the subject. I don’t hear any denials. I want to hear you say you’re sorry for killing my prom date.”

Usually I’d just agree and slink away, but a fire built inside me now. “I hope your plan for Kyle to take me to prom was worth it. I would’ve never asked Conner to go sailing that day if I hadn’t been jealous.”

Okay, I couldn’t believe I just admitted that. Plus, my assessment was kind of unfair. Conner and I always took a first spring sail together, but asking him was a spur of the moment plan, one I thought up after he and Tammy agreed to attend prom together. Tammy’s trick was this: she wanted Conner for herself. In the hallway before first period, she’d made sure I overheard her gossiping about him asking her to prom. That was a total lie, but I didn’t know that at the time. Then, in the cafeteria when Conner was a captive audience, Tammy encouraged my friend Kyle to ask me to prom. I only said yes because I thought Conner was going with Tammy. She’d made her move then, practically throwing herself at Conner, and he asked her to be his date. The smirk on her face afterward still made me want to punch her.

I shook my head at the memory, angry I never got the chance to tell him the truth. “So, now you’re actually responsible for your mom’s death, possibly your dad’s, and Conner’s too.” I regretted the words even as they flew out of my mouth, but like a lightning strike, I couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

A ridiculous, loaded pause followed after my words failed me. I could tell she was trying to figure out how I knew about her mother and her Kyle scheme. She must have decided she didn’t care how I knew, and she slapped me hard across the face.

I grimaced and stifled a sob. “I deserved—”

“Yes. You did.” Tammy cut me off, cold as ice, then out of nowhere, she dropped to her knees and sobbed.

I didn’t know what to do, so I joined her. We were both in hysterics, crying for what felt like hours, eventually handing each other fresh tissues from our purses and hugging.

The first rain of summer splashed across the grass. I hadn’t been caught in the rain, let alone looked at it, since the night Conner died. But just to show me everything was gonna be all right, the drops mixed with the sunshine to create a rainbow.

“What does this mean?” Tammy asked, looking at the sky.

I held out my hands. Tammy had been so awful to me since the start of this year, but the truth ‘nobody’s perfect’ hit me. I realized what she needed was a true friend. It was what everyone needed, and I sure could’ve used more of those myself.

“I think it means this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”