18 Things (7 page)

“It’s not the years in your life that count.
It’s the life in your years.”
―Abe Lincoln

ammy and I brought up the rear, carrying a cooler full of waters, sodas, and a huge watermelon. We were almost to our picnic area at Grand Haven State Park for our annual Memorial Day outing. It’s something Conner, Kyle, Sean, Nicole, and I started with our parents three years ago and continued by ourselves now. I invited Tammy before I left the hospital on Saturday, but my mouth went dry as we set the cooler down, gearing up for a nervous breakdown. Not only was I here without Conner, but I was at the beach near the very water where he died, where his ashes were now scattered

Tammy suspiciously eyeballed me. “Did you know they gave my dad a pair of Crocs at the hospital so he’d have something to easily shuffle in and out of?”

I turned slowly to study the expressions of my friends, wondering if I was missing something.

“Right,” Nicole responded with slow delivery. She plopped down on the blanket and opened a soda. “I think all the toxic chemicals in your cigarettes are impairing your brain function.”

Nobody was more surprised than Nicole when I’d informed her I invited Tammy.

Tammy laughed. “All I’m saying is if Crocs, the world’s ugliest shoes, can be so popular, then anything is possible.” She opened the cooler, took out two water bottles, then handed me one. “You can do this. STAR.”

STAR was a copping mechanism Dr. Judy gave me. I told Tammy about it when we’d chatted on the phone yesterday. The acronym stood for: Stop. Take A Rest. When something seemed overwhelming for me, I was supposed to take deep breaths and go to my happy place. My happy place used to be here. Now, I took a deep cleansing breath and thought of riding up Five Mile Hill, my favorite bike trail in town.

“Thanks. I
can
do this.” I said this more for myself than her.

“Of course you can. Never doubt my mad skills. I’ve been through enough therapy over the years for all of us. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s hotter than a mother out here.”

Tammy stretched her arms overhead, pulling off her cover-up. She sported a leopard print halter-top bikini, which barely covered her massive boobs. She raced toward the lake, then splashed Kyle, who was already in the water. Tammy’s boobs were like a train wreck; I couldn’t take my eyes off them.

Kyle stared at her chest; even from where I sat, I noticed his eyes were wide, nearly the size of walnuts.

I wondered if at some point Tammy used a portion of her modeling money for breast implants. Either way, this beach moment kicked my self-esteem down a few notches—to below zero. I wished she left on her cover-up.

That’s an odd thought
.

Kyle splashed her back. With his blond hair and blue eyes, I noted he would actually make a very cute boyfriend for Tammy. They were even the same height.

Still studying her, I couldn’t help but try to adjust the top part of my red lifeguard style one-piece suit.

Oh, but what do I care if Conner’s not here anyway?

Then I spotted Nate walking toward us in baggy swim trunks, carrying a white boogie board. If his golden tan and defined biceps weren’t enough to make me drool yesterday, this shirtless vision before us also sported six-pack abs that could’ve made any guy on the beach jealous. I waved to make sure he knew it was me, and because I was incapable of tearing my gaze away from him.

“Wow. Is he the guy you met at the hospital yesterday?”

I nodded. I hadn’t exactly told Nic I met him at therapy. Even though he was so open and honest with me, I wasn’t sure if he wanted everyone to know his business.

“Well, you better keep an eye on Mr. Hottie or you-know-who will snatch him for herself. Who does Dolly Parton think she is anyways?” Nicole chugged the last bit of soda, then threw the can on Tammy’s towel.

Nic’s sneer made me flinch. “She’s not doing anything wrong. We can’t hate her just because of her Victoria Secret measurements.”

Nicole rolled her eyes, but I resisted the urge to tell her she needed a calming breath. “Whatever. Did you ask her if she wrote you those notes you found in your locker?”

A sudden burst of voices and cheering came from the pier. I looked over just in time to see a group of kids jumping, which wasn’t really allowed. Rocks surrounded the area, and some people had gotten hurt in the past few years.

“Um, no.”

She lifted an eyebrow. “Well, it’s about time someone did.”

Nicole stalked off across the sand toward the water.

I felt dizzy.

“Catfight?” Nate asked, plopping down beside me on my blue towel with the picture of Grand Haven Pier on it. His smile was contagious.

Sean was stretched out on Nic’s beach towel on the other side of me, still fully dressed and listening to his iPod, but he sat up and introduced himself to Nate. “How’d you meet our girl Olga?”

I watched the sailboats way out on the lake, my eyes glazing over, waiting for Nate’s response.

“It’s kind of a funny story.” He turned his incredulous gaze on me, and I nodded to show I didn’t mind him mentioning Dr. Judy and tugged at my lip in anticipation. “We both have the same therapist to deal with our… issues.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

Sean whipped off his sunglasses and stared at me. “It’s not funny.”

Knowing he was right, I tried to lighten the mood. “I’ve missed Jimi Hendrix.”

I rubbed his afro for luck, a daily ritual for the five members of the Jedi Order, Conner’s nickname for our group of friends. There were only four members now.
Maybe we should let Tammy in as a replacement
. Conner would’ve liked that. Maybe Nate could join us, too.

Sean nudged me. “We’ve missed you, too. Is today just a fluke, or are you rejoining our Jedi Order?”

I sipped my water and thought about his question. “Hand me a lightsaber and call me Ahsoka.”

Tammy and Nicole stormed our way, Kyle lagging behind.

Tammy gave an exasperated sigh. “You really think I wrote you like, death threats?”

“Well, you and I didn’t exactly have the best track record,” I said lightly. My heart beat a little bit faster just thinking about it.

She contorted her face, agitation showing as she wiped a sheen of sweat from her forehead. “Right. And we all know I had no problem telling you exactly what I thought. I wouldn’t anonymously send you death threats. I have way more dignity than that.”

“Word,” Kyle said.

I looked at him from the corner of my eye.

He shrugged. “What? She does keep it real.”

I thought about her tricking me into believing Conner asked her to prom and then tricking Kyle into asking me to be his date even though he clearly dug Tammy. I laughed so hard I had to dig around in my beach bag for my standard pack of pocket tissues. Nate took my momentary lapse of reason to introduce himself to the rest of the gang.

After we finished our lunch of subs, chips, and watermelon, Sean and Nicole announced they were heading out to the water for a swim and invited me along. I declined with the excuse of not wanting to be a third wheel, which was really the least of my worries. There was some truth to it though. They’d dated ever since prom. I fumbled in my bag for some sunscreen and looked up to discover Sean sporting a Speedo.

“
What
are you wearing?” I screamed, pointing.

He turned around, modeling. The back of his swimwear read ‘Real Men Wear Speedos.’

“Isn’t it great?” he asked, not masking his pride. “Nicole bought it for me as a joke, but the joke’s on her because I’m wearing this baby like a white man from Ohio wears tall white socks with shorts.”

With my eyes closed, I tried to shake the image of Sean in a Speedo from my mind. “Which I’d like to point out, is
not
a good thing!”

I opened my eyes and caught him shrugging.

“Whatever. Every social gathering is a two hour countdown until we can chill in our underwear again. Wear a Speedo. Problem solved.”

“Dude, you have the most convoluted thought process of anyone I know,” Kyle told him.

Nicole flung her arms around Sean’s back, and he carried her into the water.

I reapplied the sunscreen to my pale face and couldn’t slip my sunglasses on fast enough. “I’m gonna need government spies to erase that image from my brain.”

Nate laughed as I leaned back on my towel, watching Tammy and Kyle walk down the beach with some other GHHS students beaching it. Every guy she walked by checked her out, but I was glad she at least showed Kyle some love.

“Your friends are nice,” Nate said.

I automatically turned to see if he checked out Tammy.

He didn’t.

“Yeah. We call ourselves the Jedi Order. Conner thought of it. I just wish everyone would chill with the guilt trips. I mean, my best friend died.” I kept my eyes steady on Sean and Nic playing in the water.

They make it look so easy
.

I turned back to Nate.

He crossed his arms around his waist. “Yeah, but wasn’t he their best friend, too? It’s good you’re coming around. The longest journey commences with a single step, and the first step is always the hardest.”

I smiled. For better or worse, I liked his offbeat remarks. “Yeah, and one of those first steps includes writing a bucket list of eighteen things to do with my life over the next year.” Pulling out the stationary and pen, I told him about Dr. Judy’s order, then asked, “Any ideas?”

“Can my suggestions fall under things that may land you in jail?”

Raising my eyebrows, I said, “Jail? I can’t wait to hear this list.”

He cocked his head to the side. “Crash a wedding.”

“Really? Isn’t that kind of lame? I mean, why do people ruin somebody’s perfect day just to hook up with some lonely bridesmaid?” My voice was kind of sharp, and I made a mental note to tone it down. I didn’t want to scare off Mr. Hottie here, which was still the weirdest thing for me to be thinking.

“What? I wouldn’t ruin their day; I’d add to it. And you’re the one who is
lame
.”

I didn’t know what to make of him calling me lame. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or serious, so I returned my focus to the piece of paper in front of me. “So, am I keeping wedding crashing?”

“Why not? A bucket list is all about trying new things, right? Which leads me to your number seventeen… firewalking.” There was an unmistakable glint in his eyes.

I pursed my lips. “Something warns me you’ve already done crazy stuff like this before.”

“Yep. Whenever I can use a little help focusing mind over matter, I go firewalk.”

I wondered if the experience would’ve given me the faith I needed to tell Conner I loved him.

Too late for that now
.

I didn’t toy with the idea for long, or it may have brought on another nervous breakdown. “You know, sometimes getting cold feet isn’t such a terrible thing.”

Nate looked at me with vivid eyes, a mixture of blue and green, sporting a smile and wild look that said he plotted something. “Please, girl. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to leisurely stroll over coals hotter than an oven?”

I thrust my finger at him. “Fine, but the next one needs to be a little tamer.”

His mouth curved into a slow smile. “You handle the lame—I mean—tame ones.”

Laughing quietly to myself, I jotted down number sixteen.

He read over my shoulder. “Watch the one hundred greatest movies of all time. Wow, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Just trying to make it easy on myself. The Jedi Order has probably watched a good portion of those already. I think I’ll write ‘read
The Lord of the Ring
series’ for the next one.”

His eyes widened. “No offense, but you seem like a textbook only type girl, like you wouldn’t even know how to read a book for fun.”

I picked up a handful of sand, then threw it in his lap. “They were Conner’s favorite books.”

Tilting my head, I studied him, trying to find one flaw or fault. When I came up empty, I looked around and noticed a lady in a beach chair, typing on her laptop. “Nope. I’ll jot that down. I’m also thinking of starting my own blog this summer. But I don’t know. I’ll already have a lot of stuff to do for the Bucs’ Blade. Bucs’ Blade is our Grand Haven High School publication. I’ve been on staff since freshman year, and Nicole joined me last year. We hold the coveted title of Business Managers next year.”