18 Truths (13 page)

At some point, I’d need to stop being polite around Nate, and start being real about why I became a spirit guide. Keeping secrets from him was like emotional claustrophobia, and I squirmed with discomfort at all the thoughts swirling in my head.

fter a few hours of tossing and turning, I got up to attend the sunrise service at 6:00 a.m. They held the service at headquarters daily, but we were only required to attend two days a week since all the spirit guides and angels operated on different schedules. So I dressed in my long denim skirt and my blue top with the sequined heart in the middle, and shuffled down the hall to the chapel room, scanning every corridor for Nate.
Maybe he’s already in service.

Riel’s voice boomed from behind the podium as I took my seat.
Great, I’m late for my first sermon as an official spirit guide. I’m certainly making a nice impression around here.

“Not many of the prayers recorded in the Bible are long. Most prayers are pleas going straight to the heart of the matter. Even our Lord’s model prayer to his apostles is brief and simple enough for a child to learn.”

Riel stared right at me when he said the word
child
. Looking around the room, I could definitely tell I had that market cornered.

“Jesus prefaced that prayer with the following instruction in Matthew six, verses seven and eight: ‘When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases as some people do; for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.’

“When the Bible speaks of praying without ceasing, have no fear. God’s Word makes it clear it’s the quality of our prayers, not the quantity of our words that matters to the Lord. Praying without ceasing means living with a sincere heart. You don’t need to be in chapel, kneeling, head bowed, hands folded in prayer, speaking with an eloquent tongue, for God to hear you. Prayer is like our secret weapon, always available in our Jedi tool belt.”

Riel’s words washed over me from the pulpit. I knew this message was meant for me because of the Star Wars reference, but I wondered why Nate wasn’t here. We both said we’d attend Wednesday and Sunday morning services together.

“We need to make prayer an everyday practice. Request God to give you strength to stand against personal attacks and temptation, courage to overcome fear, and discernment for the voices speaking to your spirit. You’ll need it.” As Riel spoke those last three words, he looked directly at me again. “Let us pray with confidence to the Father in the words our Savior gave us.”

We all recited the Lord’s Prayer together, and this time the words took on a whole new meaning. I’d addressed God as Father my whole life, but I never knew how much He loved and cared for me until I learned I was dead. Imagining God cared that deeply about a human being blew my mind. I mean, there were over six billion of us on his planet, but through Riel, He still orchestrated the entire Limbo experience for mine and Nate’s well-being.

I found myself announcing the phrase ‘Your kingdom come’ with such conviction. Never had I yearned for God’s spiritual reign so much… to have all my friends and family together again. Then death wouldn’t matter. When I prayed ‘Your will be done,’ I realized I couldn’t resign myself to fate any longer, but that it was up to me to help accomplish God’s purpose in the state I was in now. ‘Give us our daily bread’ made me see that I must trust God daily to provide what He knows I need. Did He know I needed Conner? Because Conner was definitely on my mind when I recited the last part about temptation. I knew God didn’t lead us into temptation, but He did allow us to be tempted. That’s why Dr. Judy told Nate and me to guard ourselves against Satan every morning.

Riel stepped down from the podium and made his way to the head of the aisle for communion. We sang a song, prayed again, listened to Ash’s concluding blessing, and then it was time to go.

I stood and followed the crowd toward the lobby. I wanted to chat with Riel again, but it seemed everyone did, a long line forming in front of him.

Settling for a wave instead, I practically ran to Nate’s room to check on him. I didn’t bother knocking, but instantly regretted not doing so. I had grown accustomed to seeing Nate in all sorts of disorder—especially after a hard-core Cantankerous Monkey Squad performance where he’d sweat out half of his body fat—but today was different. He lay on top of the tangled covers, brown hair matted in clumps on his forehead, arms and legs flopped wide across the bed in a Jesus-on-the-cross pose, fully dressed in yesterday’s clothes, Vans still on his feet and covered in caked mud.

I stopped dead in my tracks. “What the heck?” I yelled, glancing around his room, searching for any answers to the million questions running through my mind.

He jumped up. “What time is it?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Um, time to call your girlfriend back.”

He headed to his closet and pulled his dirty shirt over his head, then changed into a clean white one. “Sorry about that. I was just busy with Grace.”

“Oh.” I felt like someone punched me in the face. I held back tears. I wasn’t the crying type, nor was I the jealous or yelling type, but here I was doing all three. I blinked a few times, took a calming breath, and stared up at him.

His pale blue gaze met mine, his expression all too serious, which sent a spike of anxiety through me. “It wasn’t like that.”

I bit my lip. I didn’t remember accusing him of anything. I fumbled to think of the right words around my excessive swallowing, still fighting the urge to not yell. “Um, maybe I should go.”

“Olga.” He grabbed my arm as I walked by. “She needed my help. I was just doing my job.”

“I know what your job is.” Even I could hear the anger in my voice.

He released my arm and turned to his closet again, pulling a pair of dark jeans off a hanger. “I knew you were fine. You can take care of yourself.”

Already, I felt like he didn’t need me anymore. But I refused to shed any tears or give myself away, because I still needed him.

I cleared my throat. “Well, you’re right, I can take of myself. But not everybody can… like Grace, and Conner.”

“Conner?” He snorted, and I imitated the sound right back to him. Then he sighed, slipping out of his shoes.

“I’ve actually been thinking about trying to find a way to see him.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You don’t say.” He pulled his pants off then, not bothering to change his boxers before pulling on the fresh pair of jeans.

Maybe for the first time, the sight of him in his boxers didn’t send my pulse into overdrive.

All I could think about was that he didn’t change his underwear.
Gross.
I looked away for a moment, but not for long. I could never keep my eyes off him for long.

“Yeah, I mean now that we know we’re in the Underworld, I figure Conner is here somewhere. I’m betting on Juvie. Maybe if we searched Dr. Judy’s office”—I paused as a wave of irritation moved across Nate’s face.

He studied me for a moment, then turned his attention to putting his shoes back on, brushing off some of the dirt and making a huge mess on the floor in the process. “I can’t deal with this right now. I’m meeting Grace for breakfast, and then we have school.”

My cheeks were hot, I could feel the anger there, but all I did was give a tight nod. “Okay, but can you at least tell me what you think of the idea first? Will you help me search for some information?” My gaze pleaded with him to understand.

“You want to know what I think? I think your judgment is impaired. You’ll compromise our entire mission!”

He grabbed his book bag off the floor.

I tried not to look too alarmed at his response. “Whatever. We’ll talk more about things later, I guess. But shouldn’t I come with you to breakfast? I thought Grace was an assignment for
both
of us.”

“She was—but I don’t know—you’re ready to go into a realm you’re not supposed to be in. Now, you won’t get a lecture on ethics from me when it comes to helping someone you love. But it’s obvious you’re not thinking clearly, not focused. The Grace job may be better suited for a solo.”

I laughed, hiding my hurt. “This is total crap! I got one shot, and now you’re saying I’m out? Where were you two all night anyway? What happened to you?”

Nate sighed heavily and slumped down, his back against the wall. “Grace landed us in jail, faux jail, I guess. The whole thing was stupid, but it all felt so real, so when they gave me my one phone call, I dialed my parents’ number.” He barked out a laugh. “And Grace and I stayed up all night talking about things we’ve done that our parents will never forgive. I asked her, how about drag racing on your way home the last day of school? And the worst thing isn’t totaling Dad’s Monte Carlo. It isn’t going down to the county jail after a hospital visit, booking me, throwing me in a holding cell with a bunch of other criminals. It isn’t staying there the whole night and trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench like the one we’re on.”

I placed my hand on his shoulder, but he shooed my touch away.

“It’s not being stripped naked and giving up my clothes and possessions and putting on an orange jumpsuit. It’s not going up in front of the judge who sets the bail and punishment. It’s not the car ride home with my parents.”

I felt a weight in my stomach as he looked up at me guiltily. Breathing was difficult, and I didn’t know how he managed to continue.

“The worst part is being spared from experiencing any of that! Instead, you find out you’re dead, and you killed another kid in the accident.”

“You said all of that to Grace?”

He hesitated a moment before answering. “Not the part about being dead.” He stood up and gripped my arms, his breath a whisper against my cheek. “I’m sorry for judging you. I shouldn’t be here either, training to be a spirit guide. Why did I think I could ever do this? Losing control over my own destiny is one thing, but to ruin others? There’s no way I can help anyone else after what I did.”

Wrapping my arm around his shoulders, I told him, “You helped me, more than words could ever express.”

Nate shook his head and shoved my arm off his shoulder, then waved his hands frantically in the air. “That was before I knew what was really going on!”

He kicked the wall with his shoe, fists clenched.

I moved in front of Nate and shoved him. Hard. “Snap out of it! Do you even remember all the things you said to me during the past year? Did you actually mean a single line you fed me?” My adrenaline spiked, perspiration erupting all over me at once. “You used to know about mercy, about promises, about forgiving others and ourselves, about having a little faith. Now you’re just somebody looking to throw a pity party. It’s like Grace has warped you with her negativity after one day! You need to pull yourself together and lead by example when
we
meet our assignment for breakfast. We can’t let her bring us down. We have to bring her up. Otherwise, you fail. Otherwise, I fail, too.”

I sucked in a deep breath, wondering if I’d gone too far. Ever since Conner died, I tried to jump into things with my heart before my head could tell me no. But that was before I knew
I
was dead,
Nate
was dead. There was nothing I could do about that though. Maybe I didn’t want to be alive anyway. Maybe I would’ve never gotten over Conner’s death without Nate, and I couldn’t have met Nate unless I died. I’d made mistakes in my past life that I was determined not to repeat. I felt alive when I hung around Nate, and the time had come to return the favor. He had brought the passionate side out in me, but one look at him now painted a different picture. Nate looked… destroyed, but he was also nodding.