1995 - The UnDutchables (6 page)

When it comes to subtitles, the Dutch take the ‘sub’ (meaning
of inferior quality
) to heart, excelling in their usual manner.

Imported cinema presentations are shown in their native language with Dutch subtitles. Many are of U. K. or U. S. origin. Native English speakers are misguided if they believe that comparison of the spoken word with the written word will further their knowledge of the Dutch tongue. The following translation rules are used:

• Make basic errors, such as translating 96 as 69, or 1959 as 1995.
  
• When it comes to translating humour, you must destroy any chance of the audience understanding what is going on.
  
• Don’t bother to translate words (spelled the same, but with a different meaning) such as ‘gif(t’) (English = present; Dutch = poison) or ‘hare’ (English = hare/rabbit; Dutch = her).
  

At the end of the show, the audience may actually burst into applause if the film is judged to be exceptionally entertaining.

After surviving cinema sadism, what better way to finish the evening than to adjourn to a local tavern to drink away your embarrassment of having clapped at a blank screen. Alas, other cinema patrons will have beaten you to the bar, and will be heavily engaged in interpreting, criticising and dissecting whatever parts of the film they might have managed to see and perhaps hear. The criticism is far-reaching, as Dutch film director Paul Verhoeven found to his cost:

[In Holland] there was tremendous resistance from the critics and the Producers Guild who made life unbearable. was driven out of the country by the Producers Guild
.

If you are disenchanted with the cinema scenario, try a classical music concert for a contrasting experience. Various tactics are used to keep the audience quiet, such as the distribution of free cough drops. ‘
The throats of the visitors should be lubricated with the goal to silence the mouth
’, reads a notice at the Amsterdam
Concertgebouw
.

At the conclusion of the concert, a standing and thunderous ovation is given, irrespective of the quality of performance, in order to avoid ‘
understatement of the appreciation of concert performers
, ‘ after which the concert is mercilessly analysed. The Dutch are extremely critical of musical conductors. At least one prominent conductor has resigned after repeated bowing to the plausible applause.

MONEY—on gulden pond

They are frugal to the saving of eggshells and maintain it for a maxime that a thing lasts longer mended than new
.

—Owen Feltham, London, 1652

In matters of commerce the fault of the Dutch is offering too little and asking too much
.

—George Canning to Sir Charles Bagot, British Minister, The Hague, 1826

The unit of Dutch currency is called the guilder (
gulden
), logically abbreviated
HFL
or
f
. Higher denominations (
HFL
10- and up) are represented by inanely designed paper notes, printed in equally inane colours. Lower denominations consist of coins of various sizes, the smallest being the 10-cent piece (
dubbeltje
) which approximates the size of a shirt button. The largest denomination coin is
HFL
5-. It is not the currency itself that has prompted the inclusion of this chapter, but the manner in which it is revered.

The Dutch enjoy spending time going to various shops all over town in order to take advantage of special offers and sales. They will gladly spend an extra two hours shopping in order to save 5 cents on a can of beans. Some will even spend more on public transport than they save at the sale.

When shopping for clothes, they will search the racks and shelves, frantically looking for a slightly damaged or soiled article. This gives them licence to demand a price reduction. If they find one, they will purchase it whether it fits or not. It can always be used as a birthday present, or kept in storage for several years in case of weight gain or loss, or until their children grow into it.

In most of Europe, winter sales start in early January. In Holland, the sales begin towards the end of January. This eliminates the temptation for Dutch people to postpone Christmas until early January, thereby saving some of their precious pennies. January sales can be a violent experience in many countries. Risk the Dutch version at your peril.

All year round, sales and special offers abound, categorized as
uitverkoop
(sale);
aanbieding
and
aktie
(special offer); and
reclame
(advertised price, not to be confused with reclaimed land). None of these categories generate as much excitement as
alles moet weg
(everything must go).

A maze of complex and confusing rules governs price reductions (
reducties
). Foreigners would require the equivalent of a master’s degree on the subject to begin to understand how to manipulate the system. The Dutch appear to be born with this ability. As an example of the extent of the problem, no fewer than 19 different types of reduction were listed in the national railway guide for 1985-1986.

Every Dutch town or city has a deluge of street markets (
markt
). Whether open daily or just once a week, regular attendance is compulsory for self-respecting
cloggies
, as this is where they find some of the best bargains. Members of all walks of life surface at the street market, and tourists should be advised that this is the place to go to:

• have your wallet stolen (if you haven’t already managed to do so on the tram)
  
• see everyday Dutchmen wearing their famous wooden footwear (
  klompen
  )
  
• buy cheap imitation antiques, drugs, stolen goods and other miscellaneous merchandise
  
• experience the stench of rotting fish, vegetables and littered streets
  
• find yourself compacted among an endless throng of local tribespersons progressing at a snail’s pace.
  

For local inhabitants, the street market is an exception to their rule of penurious shopping. They’ll pay over the odds (within reason) for the privilege of shopping at their favourite stalls and market(s). The pilgrimage is not complete until they orate about the visit to their friends, neighbours, etc. This is also the one occasion where they refrain from bitching and whining about prices.

If you advertise the sale of second-hand items, you must expect to waste time over numerous long telephone calls probing for precise information on every imaginable detail about the
te koop
(‘for sale’) item(s). Even if the item has been sold, the callers will want to know all the details in order to find out if they have missed a good bargain.

Getting the price you quoted is a difficult feat, for in the words of Simon Schama reflecting on commerce in 17
th
-century Holland, ‘
In matters of bond, for example, they could be as slippery as the eels on which they supped
.’ To assist you in dealing with the Dutch barter martyrs, the following guidelines are offered:

1. COMPROMISE them before they compromise you. Upon entering your home, the prospective buyer will take an instant mental inventory in order to select a conversation piece to steer the topic in his favour. The ensuing discussion is used to prepare you for the I-can’t-afford-that-price speech.
   
2. ATTITUDE. Adopt the firm attitude that the advertised price is the only acceptable price. Ignore arguments that the item can be purchased at a lower price at the local market. If that were the case, the prospective buyer would not have wasted his precious money and time on the phone call and journey.
   
3. CHANGE SYNDROME. Every good
   cloggy
   will arrive with money strategically distributed about his person. If the quoted price was
   HFL
   40-, a successful transaction will unfold as follows:
   
   • One pocket or compartment will contain
     HFL
     30-, one will contain
     HFL
     10- and one will contain a single note of
     HFL
     100- or more.
     
   • Upon eventual agreement of the price (
     HFL
     40-), the buyer will produce
     HFL
     30- and rummage around to discover the
     HFL
     100- note, assuming that you will not have change for the large note.
     
   • This would appear to be the crucial moment. Do you risk losing the sale if you maintain your price, or call his bluff?
     
   • You call his bluff. After a further reluctant rummage, he will produce the crumpled
     HFL
     10- note. You are happy to receive the full price. The buyer is content knowing that he gave you a good run for his money.
     

When the Dutch buy gasoline, they don’t fill their tanks; they buy in multiples of 5 litres. For each 5 litres you purchase, you get one savings stamp (
spaarzegel
). To fill the tank regularly may result in the loss of two or three stamps over a few months! A full card of
spaarzegels
(approx. 40) can be cashed-in for the monetary equivalent of 3.33 litres of gasoline. Alternatively, you can elect to receive a special (read: trashy) gift.

Fines are fine for fine people. In Holland, an intricate system exists whereby the State levies fines encompassing such common misdemeanours as illegal entry and parking offences.

When you see arriving passengers being interrogated by the police at Schiphol airport customs, you will probably assume they are drug dealers. Wrong. Chances are they forgot to pay a parking ticket during their last stay in Holland.

Pay your parking tickets if you ever plan to return to Holland! If you fail to pay a ticket and attempt to enter the country at a later date, you run a high risk of being detained by the police at the port of entry. They will require you to pay for the ticket, even if it’s years old, plus a fine.

The same applies if you inadvertently miss paying your last rubbish collection bill or if your residency permit expires while you are outside the country. When you re-enter, you will likely be invited to the ‘explanation chamber.’

This restitution justifies the Government’s outlay on ‘high tech’ equipment such as computers, multi-channel synthesized hand-held transceivers, etc.

In general, the banks are efficiently and professionally run. They would be. The Dutch would have it no other way.

Personal experience indicates that debit transactions are balanced on a daily basis while credits are acknowledged up to seven days after the fact.

Given the public’s appreciation of orderly queuing, bank branches tend to issue numbered tickets when the complement of clients totals one or more. As a bonus, this system eliminates the possibility of labeling the bank undemocratic, sexist, racist or withdrawal-ist. Bank staff can adopt as unhelpful an attitude as possible:

Can I have a transfer form?

No
.

Why?

We don’t give out blank ones anymore
.

(At this point play them at their own game:)

Can you type my account information onto a blank one, and give me the form to take away?

Yes, naturally!

Cashiers are most helpful in one respect: They happily share confidential banking information, such as your bank balance, with all within earshot. Once again, Dutch openness prevails.

The Dutch love to be associated with sporting activities, provided the cost is not too high.

On a skiing vacation, they will insist (from the very first lesson) on zigzagging their way down the slopes. After all, they have paid for the journey to the top and must therefore extract maximum value from the journey down.

The laws of magnetism dictate that the Dutch will be attracted to mountain climbing. Having no such natural features, they improvise by climbing man-made vertical barriers, such as an underpass retraining wall near the Amstel Station, Amsterdam. This activity, of course, is free of charge as the walls were erected for other purposes. It provides an authentic training ground; after all, everyone knows that 20
th
-century architecture strongly resembles the snow-encrusted peaks of the Alps and the Himalayas.

When they fish, they religiously use two rods: Their fishing permit allows a maximum of two rods. Any fewer would be abusing their purse by not getting their money’s worth.

Football (
voetbal
) is the national sport. TV programmes are canceled without warning to show matches. If their team wins the cup, the whole town gets drunk. If they lose, the whole town gets drunk.

Ice skating is another extremely popular sport, in large part due to the fact that anyone can skate for free on the numerous canals, ditches and other waterways.

Personal computers have evolved as an entertainment-cult throughout the western world. The Dutch characteristically resisted the electronic invasion for years (see Chapter 3). When anarchic Bulletin Boards evolved to link dedicated users throughout Europe and North America in the 1980
s
, Rip van Winkle awoke. One of the most popular Bulletin Board systems of the era was ‘FidoNet,’ and its November 1987 listing of ‘nodes’ quoted:

Perhaps the reason for the tremendous success of the baud brigade in Holland is that this breed of Bulletin Board invariably provided for the acquisition of crude and largely useless information, programs, games, etc., FREE OF CHARGE.