2 Heroes & Hooligans in Goose Pimple Junction (48 page)

Jack, Tess, and Honey were at Martha Maye’s house when she got the call. As soon as Johnny had left to find Estherlene, Jack called Tess, asking her to come be with Martha Maye. Honey had come over when she heard the sirens and saw the commotion. The little house was full of tension as they waited for word from Johnny telling them everything was all right.

When the phone sounded, Martha Maye lurched for it, answering it on the first ring. She listened, said, “Thank you,” and then hung up and headed for the door.

Tess and Honey were at her side in a flash. “Wait. What happened?” they asked together.

As if in a trance, Martha Maye patted her pockets, realizing she didn’t have her keys. “I have to get to the hospital. Johnny’s been in an accident.” Her face was tight with fear. “I have to get to the hospital,” she repeated.

“Okay, Martha Maye, settle down, we’ll get you there,” Jack said. “What did they tell you?”

“Johnny’s been in an accident,” she repeated, too stunned to say anything else. She went to the kitchen and came back with her purse.

“Hold up, Martha Maye! Don’t get your cows running. Johnny’s a tough old bird; he’ll be all right.” They all rushed after her. “Let’s get you there in one piece, okay?”

When they arrived at the hospital, Hank was sitting sideways on a gurney in the hallway, one leg dangling off, the other in an aircast on the hospital bed. He had cuts and scrapes all over his face. Stitches sewed together a five-inch gash over his right eye. His arm was in a sling, and when he saw Martha Maye, he swung his injured leg down and limped toward her and her entourage.

“Hank, how is he?” she asked, grabbing his good arm.

“I’m fine, thanks,” he said, as he smiled and hugged her.

“Well, shoot fire, I’m sorry, Hank. It’s just that I can see you. You’re alive and walking.” She swallowed hard. “What about Johnny?”

Hank led them to a waiting room set aside for consultation with family members. They all crowded into the little room, and Hank sat down gingerly.

“I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, Martha Maye. It’s bad. He was unconscious when they brought him in. He’s in surgery now. He has a subdural hematoma, which is something like a tear somewhere up here”—he motioned to his head—”and there was hemorrhaging compressing his brain. He also has a break in his right tibia. Plus some minor sprains and lots of scrapes and bruising.”

“How did it go down, Hank?” Jack asked.

“She T-boned both of us. First she backed into me as I passed the drive she’d ducked into. I figure she was waiting for Johnny and didn’t know I was behind him. She was just gunning it out onto the road when I started to pass. She wasn’t going that fast, but she floored it after she rammed me and pushed me into the ditch. And then she righted her car and drove smack dab into the side of the chief’s car.”

“Where was he at that point?”

“He’d pulled his car diagonal across the road to try to block her in. I could hear sirens coming from town. She knew her goose was cooked. She lit into him at maybe fifty miles an hour and kept going. Man alive, that LeSabre is like a tank. Skeeter was right behind us, as was Northington, and they got there and took over. Skeeter chased her, and she was going too fast for that curvy road. She went into a curve and didn’t come out.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s just say she owes Old Man Crider a new fence.”

“How’s Hector?” Honey asked.

“He’s got a tough row to hoe. He’s dehydrated and malnourished. Looks like he’ll be in the hospital for quite a while.”

“That poor man.” Martha Maye shook her head. “And what about Estherlene?”

“She’s got a sprained ankle, but other than that, she’s fit as a fiddle. Velveeta’s upstairs now questioning her.”

“Velveeta’s done questioning,” the officer said from the doorway. All heads turned toward her. “Hey, y’all. I was passing by and heard you talking. Martha Maye, I’m so sorry. I feel like this was all my fault. If I hadn’t looked away, maybe none of this would have happened. I’m sick about it. I’m so, so sorry.”

Martha Maye went to Velveeta and patted her arm. “Hush now. You just make sure the case against her is airtight. You hear?”

“Oh, it’s airtight. She confessed to everything. Didn’t have much choice. We had her dead to rights. Apparently, she’d been after Lenny for a while. He wasn’t interested and kept blowing her off. Said he liked a woman whose skin fit her better.”

“That sounds like Lenny. But how did she get in my house? She killed him with my kitchen knife, after all.”

“Yeah, she said she saw someone over there, and she thought it was Lenny.”

“Lenny was in my house?”

“I’ll bet it was T. Harry,” Jack cut in.

“No, I’m thinking it was Lenny,” Velveeta said. “She said she walked through the backyards and saw the back door open, so she went in. She found a pumpkin with a heart carved out of it, along with a note sitting on the table, but no Lenny. She figured he’d left it, and figured the note was for Martha Maye, so she put it—”

“In her pocket,” Jack interrupted. “I found it in the bloody pants in her closet. It was addressed to Butterbean. I turned it in as evidence.”

“Oh my goodness.” Martha Maye’s eyes teared up.

“Estherlene must’ve been blind with jealousy and rage,” Velveeta continued.

“What on earth for?” Martha Maye cried.

“Like I said, she’d been after him for weeks, but he always shot her down. The last time he said no, he wasn’t exactly whatcha call a gentleman. He told her he’d rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than have carnal knowledge of her.”

“Oh my.”

“Yep. That didn’t sit too well with her, which was why she was going over to find him. She’d gotten it in her mind to blackmail him. She knew about all the women he’d picked up at the bar, and she was going to threaten to tell you, Martha Maye, and/or the judge. She was going to force him to sleep with her or else. But once she found him, her plans changed.”

“Lawzie, that woman was ate up with him.” Martha Maye, eyes wide, shook her head.

“She said she walked back out and around the side of the house, where she found him and confronted him. He told her, uh . . .” Velveeta looked at her notes. “She looked like three pounds of ugly in a two-pound sack.” She looked up. “And then he turned his back on her and began to urinate in Martha Maye’s garden—you know, the one by the front door. She stabbed him in the neck and walked away.”

“Wait a minute, how’d she get the knife?” Tess asked.

“Oh yeah. When she was hunting for him over at Martha Maye’s, her emotions got to a fever pitch. She thought he was dodging her and she snapped. Said she was then determined to either sleep with him or kill him. So she grabbed a knife out of the drawer right before she went looking for him. We got her for premeditated murder. Boom.”

“Just like that?”

“Yep.” Velveeta nodded her head. “But there’s one thing she wanted to know. She asked me how Johnny knew to go inside her house? How did he know Hector was in there?”

Jack’s face turned red. “Uh-oh. I guess I’m guilty of breaking and entering.”

“Yeah, well, remind me to arrest you later, okay?”

Everyone laughed.

“Kind of ironic, isn’t it?” Jack said.

Tess cocked her head. “Why?”

“The lady-killer was killed by a lady.” Jack flashed his own lady-killer smile.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake.” Tess groaned and dropped her face into her hands. “I’m not sure you could call her a lady.” Then she sprang back up. “But wait a minute.”

“What?”

“Why did she lock up her husband?”

“No good reason, really. Said she could no longer tolerate the man. Simple as that. She said, and I quote, ‘He’s dumb as dirt and twice as ugly.’“

“Wow. I’m glad I never ticked her off,” Martha Maye said.

“Yeah. She said all he did all day was sit around and fart, burp, complain, and make fun of her, and she was sick of it.”

“Hmm, I don’t think she oughta eat nuts,” Hank said.

Everyone looked at him as if he’d suffered a brain injury himself.

“For her, it’s practically cannibalism.”

Life is what you need. Love is what you want.

~Southern Proverb

Five months later

L
ou’s backyard looked magical. Dogwood and redbud trees full of white and purple blooms dotted the lawn. Glowing white paper lanterns of all sizes hung from the fifty-year-old maple tree in the center of the yard, with a carpet of red tulips underneath. Clumps of white daffodils and narcissus with orange and yellow centers mingled with forsythia in full bloom. The scent of lilac was in the air. It was a beautiful April night in Goose Pimple Junction.

As dusk descended on the celebration, the lush green lawn twinkled with tiny tea lights scattered on pink-clothed tables. Mason jars with raffia bows were filled with bouquets of hydrangea, ranunculus, and peonies and tied to the backs of white chairs at the tables. Big vases of white hydrangeas sat on the tables as centerpieces.

But the prettiest things in Lou’s backyard were the two brides glowing with happiness.

“This is a gracious plenty,” Jack said, beaming at Tess. “Lou, you’ve outdone yourself,” he told her as she handed him a plate filled with another helping of country ham biscuits and corn pudding.

“Well, good green lands, it’s not every day my daughter gets married.” She propped her hands on her hips and looked with mock sternness at a beaming Martha Maye. “But this better be the last time.”

Jack clapped Johnny’s shoulder and said, “Oh, I think this one’s going to stick. I’ve never seen a happier man”—he smiled at Tess—”except when I look in the mirror.”

Tess kissed his cheek. He put his arm around her, and she snuggled into him.

“I’m just so happy for all y’all I could bust,” Lou said.

“I’m happy for us, too. Life is good and everything is satisfactual.” Martha Maye beamed up at Johnny, who wrapped her in his big arms, momentarily lifting her off her feet.

“Thank you for having the reception here, Lou,” Tess said. “I can’t imagine a better place.”

“I started planning for this the minute I heard y’all were having a double wedding.”

“It’s two, two, two mints in one,” Ima Jean said, joining the group.

“Imy, Charlotte, and I have been a bunch a baking fools.”

“We bring good things to life!” Ima Jean said.

“It sure is nice eating somebody else’s cooking for a change,” Slick said from the buffet table.

“He’s been grazing here so long I’m going to have to roll him home.” Junebug swatted his arm playfully.

“And didn’t the reverend do up a lovely ceremony?” Martha Maye added.

“That he did,” Lou agreed.

“Aw, look at that.” Tess pointed to her son, Nicholas, and Butterbean, who were dancing together.

“He’s so good with her,” Martha Maye said with a sigh.

Nicholas and Butterbean were not the only two on the makeshift dance floor. Pickle and Charlotte, Caledonia and Philetus, and Honey and Lolly were also swaying to the music.

“I think this is the first time I’ve seen Pickle when he wasn’t wearing a T-shirt,” Tess said.

“Yeah, but he still has on his Chuck Taylors,” Jack said.

“Lime green, of course,” Johnny added.

“C’mon, beautiful,” Jack said, tugging Tess’s arm. “Dance with me.”

“Not so fast, mister,” Lou said. “It’s time to cut the cake.”

“She’s so bossy,” Jack teased.

The peaceful calm of the wedding reception was broken temporarily when the unmistakable clap of a hand meeting flesh sounded across the backyard. Caledonia had slapped her husband. She stalked off the dance floor and into the house, but Philetus simply smiled, told folks his wife was a little high-strung, and cut in on Lolly so he could dance with Honey. Pickle and Charlotte glared at Philetus and then went to find Caledonia.

After the cake was cut and served, it was time for the brides to throw their bouquets. Louetta, Ima Jean, Butterbean, Maddy Mack, Charlotte, and Honey all grouped together.

“On the count of three,” Tess said, turning away from the single girls. “One. Two. Three.” The bouquets flew over Martha Maye and Tess’s head, into the clump of females.