3volve (11 page)

Part IV

Summer

This is but a parting on the road to redemption.

All personalities who were once opposed.

Defined by a home and transfixed by misfortune.

Our book isn’t closed.

Our story isn’t finished.

Chapter 16

              A further acknowledgement of my late epiphany—an extremely late epiphany. After years of abusing myself with alcohol and wild romantic entanglements, I thought I didn’t deserve anyone. I didn’t deserve being around my family, tainting their innocence and happiness with my screwed up version of the world.

              My shot glass worldview.

              I was broken, and unable to happy, or to love another person, until I could love myself. But now, now I’m so thankful for my friends and family. But even more grateful that I could finally allow myself to heal and love myself.

              I understand what Nessa meant about destiny now. Charlie was always my destiny. He was perfect, almost too good to be true. And even his very-small-barely there imperfections, sparkled. When I’m with him, I don’t long for anything. He is the one I never knew I needed.

              My breakdown was necessary in some twisted way dished out by God. A breakdown is an opportunity to reinvent yourself into what you deserve, and should be…evolve.

              Life gives you chances and choices, and you have to learn from them and strive to be a better self.

              And I’m going to do that for my little germs.

              The next step of self-awareness, get a better job. Sure, being behind a register isn’t bad. A lot of people provide for their families that way, but it’s not what makes me happy.

              Taking pictures is what makes me happy. And I’ve been away from it from far too long.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

              I take a deep breath, clutching my portfolio and open the door.

              The engraved sign over the front desk says
Adri’s Images
.

              The studio is small, but overwhelmingly warm. Pictures hanging all around, small intricate beading falling down from the ceiling in various colors. And a hip, funky band playing in the background.

              There’s a petite woman talking on the phone. Her hair on the left side is shaved, a small green piercing protruding through her bright pink lip gloss.

              I wait for her to stop talking, before I carefully approach

              “Hello, there. How may I help you?” She asks cheerfully, putting down the phone.

              “Hi, my name is Cristal Escobedo and I noticed you were looking for a photographer. I brought my portfolio.” I pick it up to show her.

              “Ooh I’m so sorry,” she says, puckering her rosy pink lips. “The position has been filled.”

              “I see.” I clutch my portfolio to my chest. I’m too late. “Well…thanks anyways.” I smile mirthless, turning to leave.

              I extend my hand to push open the door. But I stop midair. Walking back to the reception desk. I place my portfolio down in front of her.

              “I don’t accept your answer. I’m sure you filled the positon, I’m not disagreeing with that. But you haven’t seen my work yet.” I stand firm. “I’m not leaving until it’s seen and I have a job,” I say resolute and unmoving.

              She chuckles, looking at me amused. When I don’t leave, standing my ground, her smile crooks up on one side. She’s probably thinking how anyone would question her, but puts on her glasses and snaps her fingers. “You have spunk. I like it.”

              She flips through my portfolio, nodding at some, outright questioning others. Her facial expressions change with every page.

              “I’m sorry. I thought you were going to show your boss,” I tell her looking around.

              She shuts it, “I don’t have a boss. One of the advantages of running my own business.”

              I cover my mouth with my hand, ugh stupid Cris. “I didn’t know. I’m an idiot. Sorry!”

              Laughing she says, “I’m Adri, by the way. I like your stuff.”

              “Thank you.”

              “It may seem your spunk carries over into your work. Now we don’t get much opportunities for things like this,” she flips through my pictures. “But it is work nonetheless.”

              “Does this mean I have the job?”

              She laughs. “Yes, you have it. Now we cover all occasions and services. Are you comfortable with that?”

              “Yes, yes, absolutely.”

              “Wonderful. You have a job tomorrow, are you okay with that?”

              “Of course. Is there anything I need? What is it for?”

              “It’s a wedding.” She walks behind her desk, and writes down the information. “You get paid for what is approved by the clients, and hours. So if you take a bunch of shitty pictures, which if it’s anything like these, won’t be an issue. Then you won’t get paid. You’ll only get the hourly.” She hands me the contact info.

              “No problem. I can do it.”

              “I don’t doubt you.”

              “Do you have any questions?”

              “Will I have to go very far, like drive places, or is it in the city?”

              “For some jobs you’ll have to travel, but I keep it relatively close. If you have to travel, you’ll get paid more for expenses. I usually add a travel charge for those.”

              I bite my lip, traveling huh. I don’t know if I can do that, but then it’s only sometimes. And it is a good job.

              “Is that going to be a problem?”

              “I take care of my younger brothers. I can’t really travel very far.”

              “It’s not very far. You won’t be going to another state or anything like that. So don’t worry.” She places her hand on my arm. “I’ll only give you day jobs. I understand how it can be, trust me.”

              “That would be great. I really appreciate it.” I go to shake her hand when a little boy comes barreling at us, he wraps his arms around her leg.

              “Say hi.” She tells the little boy, and he looks up at me with big green eyes.

              “Hi! I’m Sebastian. I’m five.” He holds up a hand, wiggling all his fingers.

              “Hi Sebastian. How are you?”

              “I have to poo.”

              “Oh.” I laugh. “Uh…yeah, okay.”

              “Duty calls.” She grabs his hand. “Make sure you’re there tomorrow for the pictures. Call if you need anything.”

              “I will. Thank you again.” I wave to him. “It was good meeting you Sebastian.”

              “I know.” He does the potty dance in place. “Bye!”

              Adri chases him into the back room, and Sebastian shrieks excitedly away.

              I pump both hands excited and do a little jig on the way out the door. Yay, I have a job. A job sapping pictures and it’s going to be so awesome.

              I grab my phone, in a rush to tell someone. I don’t realize what I’m doing until it’s too late, and I see his name pop up on my screen.

              Shoot. I end the call. Walking back to my car, my phone vibrates, my pulse quickens paranoid its Charlie calling me back.

              Cautiously I look at the caller id, and it’s Nessa. Relieved I don’t have an awkward situation to deal with, I answer.

              “Hey biatch. What took you so long to answer?”

              “I was in a job interview skank.”

              She laughs. “Good to have you back chica. What job interview? You didn’t tell me about a new job.”

              “Well I heard you and I listened. I’ll be an event photographer for this studio on Main.”

             
“Woo hoo. It’s about damn time.”

              “I hear that. I have to go tell the boys. You good?”

              “I should be asking you that. Have you talked to Charlie?”

              “No.” I shrug, even though I know she can’t see me.

              “Okay. Talk later?”

              “Yeah. Talk later.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The photo shoot goes well and they buy all the shots. The bride looks beautiful in her backless dress, with lace frayed at her bodice.

All the events over the past few weeks go over well. Adri makes sure I don’t have to be gone long. And I get to see firsthand how much of a rewarding sacrifice it is to be in the position she’s in. I even get to ask her advice on how she does it all, like some wonder woman in punk garb.

Chapter 17

It was Francis Scott Fitzgerald who once said, “At any rate, let us love for a while, for a year or so, you and me. That’s a form of divine drunkenness that we all can try.”

With that in mind, I sit here and think of what that could feel like, be like. Scrolling through my recent pictures, their smiles now not hidden.

              The joy of thinking of you, of everyone. Of Mom, Dad, Charlie, and the smaller versions of ourselves in the intermittence of our time. It fills me with a certain satisfaction, I have not felt in such a long time. And not because of the circumstance that brought me here, way before that I was lost.

              My heart now soars with a soft, light-hearted flutter which makes me rethink the resolution of my trials and condemnation. Past, present, and future all collide in a union giving me a sense of longing and acceptance.

              An acceptance of my mistakes, his mistakes, and the mistakes you’re going to make. And with that, an acceptance of pain.

For so long I thought allowing myself to feel pain was a sign of weakness, but it isn’t. And it isn’t a sign of masochism either, it’s above all that, it’s embracing the harsh realities for living.

              These last few months have been exhilarating. An entirely different experience than when I first stepped out of that taxi long ago. Everything seems to be going great, like beyond great. Good juju everywhere.

              I feel like our bond has grown since the basketball season started, and even more since it ended.

              Jeremy and Jeremiah don’t fight any more than they usually do, their twinness back in full force, and as annoying as ever.

              We even have a trip planned in a few weeks to visit Nessa. This is how it should feel, this feeling in this moment.

              Until someone ruins it.

“We’re hungry!” Jeremy whines, crashing on the couch next to me.

              “Then make food.” I go back to flipping through my pictures.

              “But we want
you
to make food.” Jeremiah says pouting.

              “We’re not picky.” Jeremy rubs his stomach pitifully.

              “Yeah. Burgers.”

              “Pizza.”

              “Grilled cheese.”

              “Maybe those fried zucchini things.”

              “With fries. Don’t forget the fries.”

              Oh goodness gracious. I put down the camera, now having my full attention, I ask “So which is it? Burgers, pizza, or grilled cheese?”

              They both scoff, shaking their heads. “Pick? No, no. We were telling you what we want.”

              “You want me to make
all
that? And are you going to fit into your school uniforms after the summer is over?”

              “Meh.” Jeremiah slouches further into the couch. “Not an issue.”

              Sighing I get up. “I’ll make like half of that. But only because I want a mushroom burger.”

              They both rub their hands together, like their evil planned worked.

              “We’re going to have a Marvel marathon, you in?” Jeremy asks from behind me.

              I flip the burgers over. “In? I feel ashamed you even have to ask.”

              “Well, you see, we were kind of hoping Charlie could…join us?” he says unsure how I will react, cringing his face.

              I press the patty down. Joins us. Joins us, sure he could join us. I would really like to have all my progress these months to just fly out the effin’ window because I have to share a room with someone I’m still in love with, but don’t want to admit it, because that would be admitting it! Dammit.

              “Uh Cris. I think you’re burning it.” He snaps his fingers in front of my face.

             
Shiiit.
I scrape the patty off into a plate. “I like em a little chard.”

              “Uh huh.”

              “More flavorful like that. You wouldn’t know,” I say choking because of the smoke filling the front.

              “So you’re okay with that?”

              Okay with it? A marathon of this magnitude would be thirty hours, not counting bonus material. And even if I could sleep through Iron Man 2 and Hulk, it’s still more than a full day of it all being thrown in my face. No I’m not okay with that.

              I don’t say any of what I’m thinking, because I can see it in his face, how happy he is thinking he’ll spend the next day and a half with Charlie.

“Of course. Totally. I’m totally okay with that.” I chuckle nervously. “So okay with that,” I finally say.

              “Right…” he eyes me suspiciously. “If it makes you feel better, he won’t
actually
be here.”

              “What?” I ask almost immediately.

              He laughs. “We’re going to do a hangout online, since he’s still gone. We could have a bad connection, eh, if it gets too awkward.”

              “Promise?”

              “Promise.” It’s cute that he offers to log out just to save me from embarrassment.

“Alright. Then I’m really okay with that.

              “If you say you’re okay with it one more time, I’ll pinch you.” He gets his fingers ready.

              “Then I’ll have to eat all this food.”

              “I love you.” He hugs me, grabs the food and runs to the living room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I thought it would be more awkward, but it isn’t. Charlie is just a floating face next to me. So not awkward.

              But then it becomes more than that as the hours tick on. The boys always thought of Charlie as an older brother. You know the cool one that sneaks you junk food past bedtime, and gives you their Netflix password.

              I knew they were close, but seeing the odd scene that has become my living room: laptop on the coffee table, teenage boys fighting over cheese puffs, snarky comments thrown back and forth. I can see it. How Charlie probably wishes he can be with them in person too.