3volve (8 page)

“I’m trying here. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I don’t want any of those mistakes to ever be the reason you turn to someone or something else. We both can’t be selfish and leave Jeremiah to pick up the pieces.”

He breaks down crying. “I’m sorry! It was just that one time, I swear. I didn’t…I don’t want anything to happen to Jer, or you.”

I pull him into a hug, stroking his back, saying gently, “Oh and if I ever see you with anyone you shouldn’t be with, even if I catch a glimpse of funk on you, I’m going to be your shadow. You won’t be able to pee without my say-so. Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” He wipes his tears away. “I should go talk to him, huh?”

“Mmhm, and if you play your cards right, he might make you a turkey sandwich.” He nods and runs upstairs to their room.

Charlie comes over and nudges me with his shoulder. “Is he good?”

              “I think so.” I string my fingers through his.

              He picks up the obituary from my lap and laughs, “I have to hand it to you love, I’m very impressed. I mean that story. Whoa.”

              “A little deception never hurt anyone.” I lay my head on his shoulder.

              “If only he kept reading he would have seen Jack dying from a cardiac arrest on a toilet.” Charlie shakes his head.

              “Hey,” I slap his arm. “I got an A for that assignment, thank you very much.” I snatch the page back.

              “So what are you going to do?” he asks.

“I’m going to take it one day at a time,” I say, listening in as the boys laugh and jump around upstairs. “Should I have not lied about that? It’s pretty messed up, huh? I’m like the worst sister.”

Chapter 10

Lying in bed like this is something I can sure get used to.
Why did I wait so damn long! I could have been sleeping next to him for years.
Stupid ol’ me.

“You know, I might have a job coming up,” Charlie says rubbing his head against me chest.

              “Might?” I run my fingers through his short coarse hair.

              “I told them I had to think about it.”

              “Oh,” I say, grinning.

              “It might be nice to hole up here for a while. Take a break.”

              “What do you have in mind?”

              “I got it,” Charlie says, clasping his hands together. “We should get the boys together for a dinner. You know, like your parents’ dinner every Friday.”

              “Except now you aren’t the one who will be eating everything.” I trace my fingers lightly against his torso, slowly trailing down to where I know it tickles him most.

              He chuckles, wiggling away. “I was a growing boy. Your parents didn’t complain.”

              “Yeah, well, they always adored you.”

              “Mm they weren’t the only ones, right?” He lifts my chin enough to reach his mouth to kiss me.

              “Right,” I say, kissing him back.

              Before I know it, it’s already morning and he has to visit his parents.

I feel so guilty being this happy. Jeremy is going through a rough time. Failing classes, then suspension from the team, now drugs. He’s going to fly off the rails before I can even stop him, if he continues on this treacherous path.

             
Is this me being selfish again?
I shouldn’t be able to have this, these moments with Charlie, if afterwards all I’m left with is guilt.

Letting out a heavy sigh, I know what I need to do. But I’m not going to like it. I should tell Charlie we need to cool off. I need to concentrate on what’s really bothering Jeremy if we’re ever going to be normal again.

This is something I need to do.

              I need to do this.

              God, I don’t want to!

              “Yo Cris,” Jeremy waves his hand in front of my face.

              “What’s up?” I pick my head to see him dressed with shoes on and everything.

              “I was telling you we were going to take the bus, so you can go meet Charlie. Not listening again.”

              “Sorry. Yeah, I’m in my head today. Are you sure? We can come back and pick you up.”

              Jeremiah comes over, slinging his arm over his brother. “We don’t want to be grossed out by you two. We’ll meet you there.”

              I eye them mistrustful, they’re up to something, because they’re always up to something. What are they up to?

              “Sheesh. Trust issues much?” Jeremy laughs. “We’re not up to something.”

              I nod between them, “It’s like you two are twins.” When did they become so close again?

              “I hate him a little less.” Jeremy knocks into Jeremiah’s shoulder.

              “Why?” I ask amused.

              He shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess lately it doesn’t feel so bad, you know? And…” he looks down at his feet, shuffling back and forth. “And it feels like we’re a family again. Your face still bugs me though,” he says grinning.

              “Must you ruin a good moment?”

              “Don’t get weepy. Shouldn’t you be going?”

              “Yes. So bus straight there.”

              “I’ll keep an eye on him,” Jeremiah jokes.

I text Charlie,
Hey! Be there soon.

OK. Can’t wait.
He texts back.

Excited to be going to dinner, I dress up and drive to his hotel. I still don’t know why he stays in a hotel every other week he comes down.

I knock on his hotel room.

“Hey hun, missed you.” He wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a kiss, and I am swept up in the moment, forgetting what I wanted to talk about. Why wouldn’t this work again?

He takes off his tie. “I just got off a conference call. Give me a minute to change before we leave.” He turns around, “What did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing, nothing.” I wave him off.
Maybe, it can wait till later? Maybe I don’t need to do anything at all. Yeah. Totally. Things are wonderful. Get it together.

Charlie nods his head, smiling, teasingly unbuttoning his shirt “You know we don’t have to leave yet,” he leans in to whisper in my ear.

“Oh no, I’m sure Jeremiah is counting down the seconds as we speak. I can’t be late for this.”

“Sure thing.” Charlie backs away and goes into the bathroom to change.

I lean back on the bed, focusing on bland things; turning my head to the side, I notice the stack of papers on his work desk. They look like the papers from before with my name. I know I probably shouldn’t peek, but come on, they have my name.

              Getting up quietly, walking past them, I glance at the papers. I expect to see the coincidence he told me about or maybe even a surprise. However, I see my name, my parents, and then Charlie’s.

Shocked, I pick up the stack of papers, scouring through them. They have him listed as their power of attorney. Why would he be their power of attorney? A lawsuit? Confused, I sit down, staring at the folder.

              Just then, Charlie walks in. “Okay babe, let’s go,” he says smiling, but then he sees the papers scattered around me. “I can explain,” he says, holding his hands up.

              “When were you going to tell me?” I ask, hurt.

              “I didn’t want you to find out this way.” Charlie steps closer to me, reaching out his hand to thread it through mine. But I step back, shaking my head.

              “You kept this from me. You all kept this from me.”

              “It’s not like that. I didn’t want to keep this from you. They asked me in confidence. What was I supposed to do?”

              “Say no. You’re supposed to say no! Dammit Charlie, I’m their daughter. I’m their guardian. Not you.”

              “Cris, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

              “So what, they chose you because you’re so much more responsible, is that it?”

              “It wasn’t like that, honestly. I make decisions every day and run a business. They just thought I was the logical choice.”

              “But a lawsuit?”

              “He killed them!” He takes a step forward towards me, hands up in the air, frustrated. “What should I have done? I have to look out for all of you, and this was the best option. It was that drunk bastard’s fault! He should pay.”

              “I don’t want his money, and it wasn’t your choice to make. You’re not responsible for us.”

“But I want to be responsible for you.” The hurt in his eyes emanates.

“Go home,” I say cruelly. “I don’t want you to come back for their games.” I throw the folder on the bed, slamming the door on my way out.

              Slamming the door on him is up there on my lists of regrets. Deep down I know he didn’t mean to hurt me—that I am being irrational. But things are better this way. It’s possible to love someone so much that it hurts to disappoint him in any way. It hurts too much knowing I’ll be sure to mess it up in some way.

             
It’s better if he thinks I’m an overacting crazy woman than face my fear: my fear of growing apart from the boy I used to know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

              I wipe my tears and put on a brave face before going into the restaurant.

              “Where is Charlie?” Jeremiah asks, looking behind me at the front.

“He couldn’t make it. He had to go back for a meeting,” I say more to the food than to them.

              Jeremy begins to argue, “But this was his idea.”

              “Well, this is still fun,” I tell them, forcing a smile. I’m not even hungry anymore, pushing the food around my plate.

              “I guess.”

              “What he means to say is it would be great if Charlie was here too,” Jeremiah tells me.

              “Don’t talk for me,” Jeremy says annoyed.

              “Okay, okay, let’s eat.”

              “You always have to ruin everything,” Jeremy mutters under his breath.

Dinner passes in painful silence. I feel like the boys are treating me like it’s my fault Charlie isn’t here.
Would they agree with him?

              Of course they would agree with him at this point. Who am I kidding?
They probably wish he was their brother instead.

But I didn’t do anything, I just want to scream it out loud. This time it wasn’t me!

Jeremy makes it seem like I dangled a family in front of him, then snatched it away “Psyche!” God, why would I do that?

Part III

Spring

A spring awakening occurred early.

Revealing a renewed sense of status.

For I was roaming around aimless.

But now, I know what I have to do.

But now, I know what I have to be.

Chapter 11

              The next few weeks go by excruciatingly slow. Charlie is still calling and messaging how sorry he is he didn’t tell me. And I’m still ignoring him.

              I don’t want to ignore him. It hurts so much to not talk to him. To go a day, a night, without hearing his voice. Or seeing how his eyes crinkle when he laughs.

              I click through my voice messages,
“Please Cris, talk to me. I’m sorry,” he pleads.

When he calls again, I finally answer, “I can’t do this. It’s too hard. I have to make a choice, and you know what, I choose them. My brothers need me more.” I hang up the phone without waiting to hear what he has to say.

              If I’m really being honest with myself, it would hurt too much if I heard him respond. I would break down sobbing, probably breaking my pride and reserve in the process. No, this is what should happen.

              But.
Why does it feel so wrong?

The mailman arrives, dropping mail in our slot, and for once I hope it is good news. God knows I can use it right about now.

A few letters stand out. I don’t open the ones from the insurance agent and lawyers. I know what it’s going to say.

The last letter is from some private school in the area. Huh. I look at the name written in cursive, and it’s Ma.

Curious to see what is says, I open it and see. It’s the school telling my Mom the boys have been selected to start interview rounds for the upcoming school year.

When did they apply to this school?

I knock on their bedroom door, looking for answers. “Hey, when did you two apply to this school?” I hold up the interview and requirement packet.

“We actually got in?” Jeremiah asks putting down his book.

“That’s what this is. Well, it says pending interview process. But either way it’s a good sign. Why didn’t you tell me? Was I supposed to prepare something?”

“Nah. It’s not important.” He waves me off.

“Of course it’s important. This is a really good school.”

“We don’t want to go anymore. Besides, Jeremy’s grades are subpar, he probably won’t pass anyway. It would be too much trouble.”

“It’s no trouble. We should do this.” I flip through the packet. “They have awesome programs.”

“Yeah for a shit ton of money,” Jeremy says coming into the room.

“Watch your mouth.” I slap his head.

He clicks his tongue. “Man, it’s not even worth all the hassle.”

“So now what you’re saying is, you don’t want to go to this school?”

“No.” They both shake their heads.

I bite my lip, disappointed they lost their spunk. Even Jeremiah who I’m sure wants this, is pretending like he doesn’t care. “Okay. I’m going to go out for a bit. Do you need anything?”

“Nah.”

“Okay. I’ll be back.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I haven’t visited their graves since they got their new headstones. Sitting down in front of them, I place new sets of rosaries on their headstones.

“Tell me what I’m supposed to do. How am I supposed to help Jeremy pull up his grades up and pay for tuition? Mama,” I take a deep breath to settle my nerves, “Why did you both choose Charlie as your POA? Were you ashamed and embarrassed about me? Was I not responsible enough that you didn’t think I would be able to handle your money?” Tears fall down my cheeks.

I look down at the settlement notice. “Should I even use this money if it’s so tainted?” I know it might be able to pay for their private school, even if it is just fees and uniforms—in case they don’t get the scholarship.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of merry cheers and jolly, but all I’m left with is dead parents, brothers who can’t even look at me, and a lying boyfriend.
Yay, Christmas time is so fun.

And there isn’t a guarantee that even if I use this tainted money Jeremy will do well in school—not nearly well enough to be accepted if he keeps on the same path.

The cool air feels fresh against my skin.
What do I do?!

Basketball season started in November. And the boys are being kept apart by selfishness. So how can I make Jeremy snap out of it without causing another huge fight? I bet if you were here, you would know exactly what to do.

              If he wants to have a chance at a better school, he needs to pick up his grades. So then, I would need to make sure he does that. He would need a tutor or an incentive of some sort.

              I could take them to on a tour of my old college. Maybe somehow that will jog something in them, to remember they wanted this school.

But I don’t have enough money for a trip right now. I’m barely making it as it is.

Frustrated more so now than before I got here, I drive back to the house before the boys can get into any trouble. They probably need a little time to think about it. We don’t have to rush into anything. The letter did say we have a week before we have to make a decision about the process.

In the meantime, I should finally get around to doing what I probably should have done a long time ago. I need to clean out my parents’ room. Put some of their things away in storage, and give the rest away to Good Sam.

We could turn their room into an office or study for us. Maybe move Mom’s shrine into the corner for protection.

Maybe I’ll get to it tomorrow, I shouldn’t rush anything yet.