500 Days (61 page)

I tried to get dressed, but that took too
much effort. Instead I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes.

Chapter 25

Casper

I walked into her bedroom to check on her. I
found her passed out on the bed, still wrapped up in a towel. I
pulled the blankets over her, making sure not to wake her. Then I
kissed her temple gently before closing the door behind me and
headed out into the living room. I called Declan. “Yeah, she’s
finally sleeping.” I heard Declan let out a sigh of relief. Declan
confessed to me she’d never seen Alex like this, but who could
blame her. I didn’t think anybody could anticipate what the
repercussions would be of losing someone you loved, a brother.

“
I’m gonna stay here and
make sure she’s okay, but I need you to do me a favor.”

I asked Declan to come keep an eye on her in
a little bit. I had some errands to run and I did not want to leave
Alex alone. That was the last thing she needed. As silly as it
sounds it’s almost as if I could feel her pain. My heart broke over
and over again watching her go through this. I knew hovering over
her wouldn’t help. So I gave her her space when she wanted it and
stayed with her when she asked me. I let her come to me and I did
not dare ask her if she was okay. I hated when people did that. She
just lost her brother. Of course she wasn’t okay, but I knew she
would be. She just needed time to heal. I was going to be here for
her as long as she needed me. I would stay until she told me to
go.

Declan stopped by sometime around noon. “She
still sleeping?” I nodded, grabbing my keys.

“
This won’t take long. I
promise.”

“
Casper?” I turned to look
back at Declan. “Thank you, for everything. I can’t imagine this is
easy on you.”

“
No, but that’s not what’s
important. The only thing I care about is making sure Alex is okay.
I’ll deal with my bullshit later. Alex is the most important thing
right now.”

It only took me an hour to get everything I
needed done. I headed back to Alex’s to find her awake and on the
couch talking to Declan. “Hey,” I said.

“
Hey,” she
replied.

“
I’m going to see if
Jasper needs any more help with the arrangements,” Declan said,
leaving us alone.

“
I got you a new phone,” I
said, handing her the box.

“
You didn’t have to do
that.”

“
I figured since I was the
cause of breaking your old one, I owed you.”

“
Casper, about that
–”

I shook my head. “It’s nothing you need to
worry about. It’s in the past. What’s done is done. I just want you
to concentrate on you. That’s all I care about right now.”

“
Thank you,” she said.
“For everything. You really didn’t have to do all this. I’m sure
the last thing you want to do is babysit an emotional crazy
girl.”

“
There’s no other place
I’d rather be.” For the first time in days, Alex smiled a real,
genuine smile. My pulse quickened the second they caught sight of
those luscious lips. I turned my head away. I couldn’t be tempted.
I had to keep my head on straight because I knew when this was all
over. That was the end. I was only a temporary fill in to mend a
broken heart. A heart that I had already broken and now, at the
loss of her eldest brother
.
I was afraid it was destroyed. I was scared of
Alex losing herself to the grief. I never saw her so vulnerable
before and sometimes when I touched her I thought I would break
her.

Alex decided to stay at
her place tonight. She said she needed a break from the madness. I
suggested
Declan come back and stay with
her, but she said no and asked me to stay instead. I did as she
requested
,
trying
to keep a safe distance between us by sleeping in the recliner in
the corner. Alex told me I was being ridiculous but I told her I
was trying to be respectful and thought it safer this way. The more
time I spent with her, the more I was becoming comfortable, like
the way things used to be. I couldn’t let that happen. If I did, it
would be that much harder to have to leave her again.

Alex’s screams woke me up. I jumped up out
of the chair. She sat up in the bed gasping, clawing at her sweat
soaked clothes. She ripped off her shirt and threw it to the floor.
I quickly turned my back to her. “Alex?” I said softly. I heard her
gasp as if she forgot I was there. “Is there anything I can
do?”

“
Um,” she quickly pulled
the covers up over her. “Could you get me a clean shirt?” Her voice
was tiny and frail.

I dug my thumbs into my
eyes and walked over to her dresser
,
retrieving a dry shirt for her to
put on. I handed it to her and kept my back turned until she had it
on. “You can turn around.”

“
You wanna talk about
it?”

She shook her head no. “Can you, um, just
lay with me?” I wanted to be strong and say I shouldn’t, but the
scared look on her face when she woke up screaming, and the sadness
in her eyes told me I would be a jerk if I didn’t offer her the
comfort she was seeking. I knew that’s all she wanted and I would
give it to her. I would do anything for her. No matter the
consequences.

The morning of the service, Alex had
reverted back to her state of oblivion. Her body was going through
the motions but no one was there. I watched as she struggled with
her emotions. One minute she was fine and the next she was running.
I kept a safe distance, allowing her time with her family, but
close enough so that if she needed me I was there. Alex barely
spoke at the church and I worried she wasn’t going to make it
through this. She took my hand as we walked outside to the cars. I
rode with Colton while she rode with her family. Alex sat with her
brothers in the front at the cemetery, insisting I sit with her. I
told I would be right behind her the whole time. I stood with my
hand on her shoulder, letting her know I was just an arm’s reach
away. She cupped her hand over mine, squeezing softly. She flinched
when the guns went off, letting me know there was still some life
in her yet.

Chapter 26

Alexis

I sat at Jasper’s table, staring off into
nothingness. The entire day was a blur. From the moment I woke up
to the second we returned to Jasper’s. He welcomed a few friends
and family over to pay their respects. Apparently that’s what you
did. You entertain people and thank them for coming to a funeral. I
never understood it, but who was I to judge. I played back the day.
I couldn’t get it out of my head. It still seemed all so unreal. I
remember staring at my dress on the bed. It was my mom’s. One of
the few things I had left that was hers. I wondered if she knew. I
wondered who told her. Did she have someone there to comfort her?
Was she all alone? I brushed the wrinkles out of the dress,
caressing the soft cotton fabric beneath my fingertips.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I
wasn’t sure if I could handle this. I knew once I saw him in that
casket it would be real and I didn’t think I could face that. So
far everything had felt like a horrible nightmare, but now, reality
was slowly seeping in. I fell to my knees clutching the dress in
front of me. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stand by and watch them
bury my brother. The one person who had helped me survive.

“
Alex?” Casper knocked on
the door.

I pulled myself together and stood up.
“Yeah,” I croaked out.

“
Are you almost
ready?”

“
Yes. I’ll be out in a
minute.”

“
Okay, I’ll wait for you
in the living room.”

“
Be brave, Alex,” I heard
Jack whisper. I gathered strength from his words and slipped into
the dress. Sliding on my shoes, I grabbed my coat and walked out,
closing the door behind me.

“
Let me help you with
that,” Casper gestured to my coat. I slid my arms through as he
tugged the jacket around me. “Are you ready?”

“
No, but do I have a
choice?” He pulled me close, placing a soft kiss on my temple. I
walked with him outside where there was a car waiting.

“
I’ll be right behind
you,” he said, handing me off to Jasper. I nodded, taking Jasper’s
hand as he helped me into the car. I sat next to Jaxson, Jacob on
his right whose face was stone cold. Jasper squeezed in next to me.
I took his hand, holding it tightly in mine. Nobody said a word on
the way to the church. Jasper rested an arm on the door while he
stared at the passing scenery, his eyes red from recent tears.
Jaxson rested his head back against the seat, eyes closed, and
Jacob, Jacob was angry. I barely spoke two words to him since
Jasper came to tell us what had happened. I leaned forward to rest
a hand on his knee. He jerked away from me. Jaxson put a hand on
mine and shook his head, telling me to leave it be. I took his
advice and sat back. I knew we all grieved in different ways. I was
proof of that. If Jacob needed to be angry then I was not going to
stand in his way.

The ride to the church felt like an
eternity. The car pulled up to the curb and Jasper stepped out,
leaning back down to offer me a hand. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t
figure out how to make my legs work. I didn’t want to step out of
the car. Maybe if I went back home, I would wake up tomorrow and
this would all just have been a nightmare and Jack would still be
here.

“
Alex,” Jaxson said
softly. I took Jasper’s hand bracing myself for the events ahead. I
didn’t even make it two steps before my legs gave out. Jasper and
Jaxson caught me and held me steady on my feet.
“You’re the one who holds this family together,”
Jack had said.
“We need
you just as much as you need us.”

“
Ha-ha, very funny Jack.”
Jasper and Jaxson looked at each other like I lost it. I stood up
straight and held my head higher. “I’m okay. I got this,” I told
them. I took a nervous step forward, afraid my feet would betray
me, but I managed to keep myself steady. Unsure what to do, Jasper
and Jaxson just stood there, preparing to catch me if I
fell.

“
It’s okay, I got her,”
Casper said from behind us. I let him guide me into the church. I
took each step one at time at a painstakingly slow rate. “Take your
time,” he whispered. I think my head bobbed, I wasn’t sure. I no
longer had control over my movements. It was like my body was
involuntarily moving for me. Once we reached the church door, I
took a moment to collect myself. When I was ready, Casper held the
door open for me and then hung up our coats in the
closet.

I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to
see. I wasn’t ready to make it real. I walked down the aisle. My
feet wobbled beneath me. “I won’t let you fall. I’m here with you
every step of the way.” I looked up into Casper’s eyes and focused
my attention on them. He still loved me. I could see it. I could
feel it in the way he touched me. And right now it was just all too
much. I ran out of the church and down the steps, across the
street. The only thing that stopped me was the chain linked fence.
I looped my fingers around the cold metal, biting the inside of my
cheek to keep down the scream that was creeping up the back of my
throat.

“
Alex!” I heard people
calling my name but the voices seemed so far off in the distance. I
felt a hand on my shoulder. Instinct kicked in and I turned around
swinging. “Whoa!” Jasper said, ducking. “Alex, are you
okay?”

“
Are you fucking kidding
me? Of course I’m not okay. We’re burying Jack, Jasper. That’s
Jack’s body in that coffin. I’m never going to be okay with this.
It’s Jack, Jas. I don’t know how I can go on without him.” I could
no longer hold in the tears. “I don’t know how I’m going to go on
living without him.” For the first time in a long time, Jasper said
nothing. He just took me in his arms and hugged me. I cried on his
shoulder. Soon I was encased in a cocoon of arms; Jaxson, Jacob,
and Declan. I let out a shuddering breath and dropped my arms,
feeling claustrophobic.

Jasper took off his coat and handed it to
me. I reached inside his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes and
lit one up. “Hey.”

“
Don’t start,” I warned.
Jaxson took the pack and helped himself to one.

Jasper turned to Jacob. “Don’t you dare.” He
held up his hands in defense. Jasper looked back at the church and
then to me. “They’re ready,” he said. “But if you’re not. Fuck it.
I’ll make’em wait. It’s not like he’s going anywhere.” Jasper
caught himself at the last second. My eyes went wide and then, I
lost it. I started laughing. I laughed so hard my side hurt.

“
That’s not funny Alex,”
Jacob growled.

“
No, it’s not.”

“
Then why are you
laughing?”

“
Because it’s better than
losing it,” Jaxson said, speaking up for me. Jacob didn’t comment,
instead he stormed off.

“
We should get going,”
Jaxson said. I followed the boys back into the church and with a
push I managed to make it to the front of the church without any
problems. My body came to a standstill when I saw the
casket.

I felt a familiar hand in mine. “It’s okay.
You can do this,” Casper said. I squeezed his hand and took a seat
in one of the pews. I stared blankly as several people spoke. I
heard nothing. I was losing my grip on keeping it together. I
wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Through the next hour and all the way
to the gravesite I went through the motions, but I wasn’t there. A
few people said their condolences, but I just nodded like I was
programmed to.