8 Mile & Rion (21 page)

“Hmm?” she asks, looking miles away.

“Another letter come?” I ask, sitting next to her.

“What? Oh no,” she says absently. “Just thinking.”

She’s cradling her right hand in the palm of her left and I ask her about it. “You hurt your hand?”

“It’s fine,” she says, rubbing it.

“It’s not fine,” I correct her. “How’d you hurt your hand?”

“On Rio’s face,” she says and her jaw hardens a bit.

“Explain.” I order her.

“Don’t feel like it,” she says getting up and heading toward the kitchen.

“I wasn’t asking, Rion.” I grunt following her.

“I didn’t think you were, Loyal.” She argues back. “I have to get back to work.”

“Hold up,” I growl, standing between her and the exit. “He takes one look at me and bolts and you don’t want to talk about it. The fuck happened while I was gone? You said you loved me, so this is the kinda shit you talk about.”

“That’s fair,” she says quietly. “Let me ask you something, do you love me yet, Loyal?” When I stay silent she moves around me then opens the door. “Thought so,” she says with a sad face leaving me once again standing there looking fucking lost.

‘Never be afraid to sit a while and think.’

~ Lorraine Hansberry

The last few days have been miserable. Spending as much time in my office as possible, I haven’t spoken to Loyal and Rio was avoiding me. What is it about me that the only time a male will kiss me was to shut me up? Loyal did it, now Rio did it too.

I’m all sorts of confused about Rio. The kiss lasted seconds but it wasn’t what my fantasies built it up to be. When I kiss Loyal it feels like forever, with Rio it felt…familial. Rio kissing me didn’t make me melt, it made me uncomfortable. Like I’d just kissed my brother and that was freaking me out. As a kid I wanted bragging rights, as an adult, I wanted to turn back time. I’ll admit I crushed on him hard when he first came to stay with us, but Senior made it clear that he was off limits. What Senior said went and since Rio never even so much as flirted with me, I didn’t even attempt to fantasize about it.

Rio has always been extremely popular with women, just like Tank was. I never knew either to be choosy. Tank himself used to say
pussy was pussy
and Rio agreed. I regret the things I said to him, though. I can honestly say it wasn’t from jealousy, it’s just that it bothers me that he uses women the way he does. Like Tank, I wanted Rio to be happy. He was hiding though, anyone could see it. I can admit I spent my life hiding too. Having Senior call the shots took the pressure off of making decisions on my own. He’d done it for so long it’d become my way of life. Now I didn’t have him here to tell me what to do and I was panicking. Anxiety had tears brimming in my eyes and I wanted to tell Rio I was sorry for everything I’d said.

Rio didn’t want me, no fucking way. Without discussing it with him, all I was doing was over thinking things. Which brings me back to Loyal, who I didn’t think wanted me either, at least not like I wanted him. Right then and there I decided it didn’t matter who wanted what, I had a business to run. Guy talk, bro codes and mind fucks were going to have to wait.

All morning Loyal has been here with me but we don’t talk, we just try ignoring each other instead. While checking my bank statements and listening to him grumble, I decided being an adult is for adults and I wasn’t one of them. By the hour he looks more pissed off and I didn’t have it in me to care. If he wanted to keep secrets he could keep
all
of his secrets. When the key hits the lock and Rio walks in he throws a file down on my desk, logs his collection into the computer and walks right back out.

Continuing to still ignore me, Loyal follows him out into the hall and minutes later it was Rio, not Loyal who walks back in. Pretending today was like any other; I plowed through paperwork and returned phone calls. Then my day took a turn when Rio took the chair across from mine and threw me for another loop.

“I’m not sorry,” he says twirling a pencil, “about kissing you, I won’t apologize.”

Looking up at him I see the sincerity in his eyes and found myself at a complete loss. “I don’t know what to say to that,” I whisper. “I don’t know what to say about any of it.”

“I stayed away,” he says, breaking the pencil in half. “Senior said
not Junior, anyone but Junior, she’s good. You don’t get to take that from her.
Watched you date dickbags, rich assholes and now a fucked in the head Marine. Not one of them deserved you either. They all take from you while you give everything. But I stayed back because I respected Senior. Only he ain’t here anymore, it’s just us now. I know how you used to look at me, Rion. You shouldn’t have pushed me like that. Throwing that shit in my face. All them women I fucked? That’s all I did, fuck them. Used them and their bodies, wishing they were you.”

When I gasp, he smiles at the shock on my face but continues. “What you said hurt me, probably because it was true and I didn’t think you gave a shit one way or the other, but now I know you do. I like Loyal you know, I hoped he’d be the one for you and I would have let it happen. But he ain’t the one for you and you can’t fix what’s broken in him. Take the hint here, he don’t want you to. That kiss wasn’t done right, I can do better. I can make it good for you, for both of us. Senior ain’t here to tell me no and he ain’t here to tell you no neither. Senior always said you were the best part of him,” he says, standing up and leaning over my desk, meeting my round eyes. “Needed you to know that you’re the best part of me too.”

Pulling back he never breaks eye contact with me while he picks up his broken pencil pieces throwing them in the can. When he reaches the door I can feel my heart beating erratically, my mouth is dry and the tears run freely down my face. Opening the door his parting words left me completely shattered. “Loved you for fourteen years. There’s nothing about me you don’t know. I’m probably not the man for you either, but fuck knows I want to be. When I’m around you, I’m the man I should have been.”

Exiting my office I can hear his back hit the wall which tells me he’s going to stay out there until Loyal got back. Looking around my space, I had nowhere to run and hiding under my desk seemed childish. I didn’t have the ability to work this out on my own. On one hand, I had just found my best friend was in love with me, on the other, I was in love with a man who didn’t love me back. I didn’t even ask myself what would Senior do on this one, because I had a feeling he wouldn’t have had a fucking clue either.

‘Happy are those who dare courageously to defend what they love.’

~ Ovid

When my therapist said he could get me in last minute, I stopped Rio from leaving, letting him know he needed to talk to Rion while I was gone. I didn’t like that they were fighting. Those two were close and you could tell fighting wasn’t normal for them. Hauling ass to my appointment the second I hit the chair he was privy to the previous day’s events and my current problem. Rion was upset and wouldn’t talk to me. Her being upset with me wasn’t something I could deal with on my own, I didn’t know how to.

An hour later I left frustrated with no useful advice. He asked me if I trusted her and though I wanted to say yes, I couldn’t. I knew I wanted to trust her, but I didn’t know if I ever could. Until I was ready to be honest with her, this was going to be my life and it was my fault. The only useful tip I got out of it was that I would know when I was ready. My biggest concern with that is she wouldn’t be around to see it when it and if it happened.

Climbing the stairs two at a time, I spot Rio leaning on the wall outside the door. “She on a personal call?”

“Therapist fix you yet?” he asks, pushing off and facing me.

“No,” I tell him. “I ain’t going to be fixed overnight.”

“Yeah well, if I were you, I’d hurry up.”

“You know something I don’t?”

“Loyal,” he laughs walking away. “I know a lot of things you don’t.”

Ignoring him in favor of seeing her, I knock once and enter, only she doesn’t look up at me like I hoped she would. She’s busy working, typing and rubbing her eyes. Looking closer I notice she’s been crying. When she turns away from me, I march out the door, two time it down the steps and slammed Rio against the brick.

“Why the fuck is she crying?” I growl, pushing my forearm further into his throat. Not one for intimidation he smiles back, saying nothing. “I ain’t fucking around with you, Rio,” I warn him. “If you want to keep your teeth you best start talking.”

“You assume she’s crying because of me,” he says, showing all of his teeth. “Who’s to say she ain’t all tore up about you?” When I don’t answer for fear he’s right, he digs the knife in deeper. “Ah, hadn’t considered that have you?”

“She say something to you?”

“Actually no, for once I did all the talking,” he says disengaging easily. “But I’ll give you a hint because I think you deserve a fighting chance. You ain’t the only horse in the running Loyal, even if I give you a handicap you still won’t catch up. You are fucking damaged my man. You ain’t fit to race, in fact you should probably just forfeit.”

Reading between the lines, I caught his meaning. He was making a play for her. He wanted Rion for himself. “Then why’d you help me?”

“You don’t have it in you to give her what she needs, Loyal. You don’t have a handle on your own shit, you don’t level with her and quite frankly, doing the right thing is overrated. No matter how many chances she gives you, you’re gonna fuck it up. I, on the other hand, won’t. Watched that woman get fucked over for years, not getting the love she’s due. I ain’t letting it happen again. No hard feelings.”

“You sure you want to do this?”

“My man,” he says squaring off, “never been so sure of anything in my life.”

Then, I engaged.

‘Never had my heart broken, Junior. Can’t break if you never put it on the table.’

~Rio

Loyal leaving gave me a chance to catch my breath. Maybe there are women who get off on having two men to choose from, but I didn’t. My chest burns because of it. It isn’t enough that I still mourning my dad. Now I have this thrown at me too? Losing him took a huge chunk out of my heart and the thought of losing Rio by not choosing him, stole the air from my lungs on top of it. This wasn’t fair to me, I knew that, but I also realize in life these things seldom are.

My best memories have Rio in them. When I couldn’t come home, he would come to Ann Arbor to see me because he knew I didn’t fit in there. We took trips together when I should have been studying and making friends. We had no secrets because we knew the best and worst of each other. The two of us were easy like that, always doing the give and take, never judging. We never even fought and until recently he always encouraged me to do what I wanted, not what Senior had wanted. Here’s the problem with that though, my memories are that of the past.

But when I look to the future, I see front and center Loyal making memories with me not Rio.

Christ, either way I lose.