8 Mile & Rion (25 page)

Fuck.

“My therapist gave me a lot of tips,” he says standing next to me. He was so god damn humble and open right now that I found it hard to swallow. I wanted to inhale him, hold him and scream at him all at once. Unfortunately, he was focused on his speech and completely unaware of my misery. “One of those was I needed to figure out who I was and get back to loving myself. I’ve never loved myself, Rion. She says until I do, I won’t be able to love someone else.”

“What else did she say?” I whisper, trying my hardest to be strong. Taking out a small notebook he begins reading from the list. Listening to each tip, I felt the hope leaving me. Based on his list, there was no room for me in his life. These were things he needed to do, alone.

“She said I needed to get a hobby and to try new things.” Yeah, but she also said a whole bunch of other shit that would take years to complete, if ever. God, I just want to go home and get emotionally drunk.

“That’s good advice.” I tell him walking toward the car unable to do this anymore. “Look, I have to go. Just tell me what you want from me, Loyal.”

Stopping me again, he makes no move to touch me further and that shredded me the most. “I want us to be friends.”

“Just friends?”

“Yes,” he says with an honest to god straight face.

“Even knowing I’m in love with you, you want me to be your friend?”

“It’s asking a lot, but yes.”

“You’re not asking a lot, you’re asking for the impossible.”

“It’s not impossible Rion---”

“Are you serious right now?” I scream. “What, we hang out, catch a flick and I’m supposed to watch you date? You’re going to watch me date? And what we compare notes and shit? Do I have a sign on my back that says sucker for love on it? Oh fuck this, I’m out.”

Turning from him, he freezes me again. “I’m asking for a chance, Rion. I’m needing that second chance now. I know I probably ran out of them, but I need another one. I need you in my life.”

“As a friend,” I whimper losing my will to fight a battle I already lost.

“Yes as a friend,” he says, pulling me to him, “but I want more, I’m asking you to help me get there. I’ve got a lot of work to do and I can’t do it without you. You said you love me,” he whispers and I just lose it. “Dammit Rion, I want to be good enough for you. I want you to be proud of loving me, there’s no one on this fucking earth I need more than you.”

“What if you can never love me back?”

“Christ woman, I’m trying,” he says, gripping me tight, “but to love you the right way, I need to figure my shit out so you never have to doubt it. I’ve never felt anything for anyone like I feel for you. Help me get to that place where I can trust it. Believe me Rion, as much as I want to trust it, I can’t yet. Will you help me?”

I had only a moment to make a decision, listening to my heart and hoping it didn’t fuck me over was risky. But I did love him and he deserved the chance to heal without me pressuring him. If he didn’t love himself which I suspect he didn’t, I couldn’t walk away from him when he needed me most. Especially if there was even a small chance we could make this work, I had to bet on him. Putting all my cards on the table, I let it ride one last time. “All you had to do was ask, Loyal.”

“Thank you,” he says, kissing my forehead and exhaling deep. “You heard the part where I said I was trying, right?”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “I caught it.”

“I mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. If being without taught me anything, it was that I didn’t want to be without you. We just gotta start slow. I gotta do this right. You’re too fucking important, I can’t mess this up.” Nodding, he puts his hand on my lower back and guides me to the car. “It’s late. I should be getting you home.”

“Wait, you’re not staying with me?”

“That’s probably not a good idea---”

“Will you at least stay at Senior’s?”

“I can do that.”

Driving home neither of us speaks. My brain is on overload wondering if I’d just made a huge mistake. Inside my apartment I handed him Senior’s keys, he says goodnight and walks out. While he was probably going to sleep well tonight thinking his life was moving forward, I wasn’t going to sleep at all because I had to wonder if mine was in reverse.

‘Lying can never save us from another lie.’

~ Vaclav Havel

The first night, like every night that followed, I didn’t sleep for shit. I couldn’t knowing she was on the other side of the damn wall. I kept up with my weekly visits to my therapist here and she had found her own. I felt like shit that she felt like she needed to see one at all. No doubt, she was doing it for me and that bothered me too.

Lucky for me, work has been busy. During the day she takes bets while I collect and at night we always do something together. She’s shown me the city, taken me to landmarks outside of the city and tonight we’re going to a park to listen to live music. I haven’t found a hobby yet because I haven’t found anything better than being with her. My therapist asked me if I’ve opened up to her about my past yet, to which I said no. He asked me if I planned to, the answer to that was I didn’t know.

These last few weeks we’ve formed a solid friendship and she really went out of her way to make sure she didn’t push me for more. I knew she wanted it, I knew I wanted it too, but I didn’t know if I was ready yet. My therapist also cautioned me that asking her to wait indefinitely was not only unfair but cruel. Down deep I knew I was walking a thin line but did it anyway.

Rio’s absence hurts her, my friendship rule was hurting her, and if I was being honest, it was hurting me too. But I had to see this through. Getting this right was important. Sex clouded judgment, but sex for me could trigger hurting her and I wouldn’t allow that. I had to trust that if this became too much for her, she’d tell me.

Still no news on my brother and not a word from Jill. Every day I run to the mailbox hoping to see papers but none come. There have been no letters or threats and although Rion says it was probably nothing, my gut tells me it’s something. The threat is still out there, waiting. After my shower, I dress and knock on her door. When she opens it I fight to keep my hands where they are. Fighting the urge to touch her is torture and I fear a losing battle. Christ, but she steals my air.

“Hi,” she says, closing the door behind me.

“Hi,” I offer back.

“I’ll be just a sec,” she says, heading for her room. Sitting on the couch I try not to eavesdrop but I can’t help it. When it comes to her, I want to know everything. “Tomorrow night then,” she says quietly. “I’ll wait up, it’s fine. You know how to get to my place?” Then a pause. “Okay see you then. Thanks, Tony.” Here it comes, the meltdown. I can feel it. The jealousy, the anger and the proof I couldn’t trust her. She said she loved me, that she would wait and she didn’t. Just like the whore. Maybe it was better she fucked me over now instead of five years from now when I wouldn’t recover and the body count was higher. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” I mumble following her out the door. She attempts small talk on the way over, and once we’re there she opens a blanket and we wait for the show. I don’t want to fucking be here, but I don’t want to leave either. That’s how warped my head is. An hour into the show, she nudges me but I don’t nudge her back.

“What’s the matter?” she asks, looking genuine, only I saw it for the false face that it was. Fuck, I didn’t give her enough credit. She was really good at this. Did parents make their daughters take a special class for this shit or was it instinctive? Either way, she was a fucking pro.

“Tired,” I offer but nothing more.

“Do you want to go?”

“Yeah,” I say standing up. “I do.”

“Okay.”

Gathering the blanket she has to double time it to catch up to me. I knew better than to rely on her. Fuck. Right now, I just want away from her. But I can’t because she’s my fucking ride.

Knowing she’s not talking to avoid me getting pissed makes me more pissed. She babies me so I won’t explode and it pisses me off that she expects me to. She has plans tomorrow night that don’t include me so fuck her for that too. Slamming my door, I don’t offer her a good night or walk her to her door like I usually do. She wants to play me, she can see herself in.

“Loyal?”

“What?”

“Is this not working for you anymore?”

Closing my heart off, I look her dead in the eyes. “No,” I tell her. “It ain’t.” Then I turn away and leave her standing there. Walking away was easy, staying away wasn’t. Not when she spent the night crying and I had to hear it. Sitting next to the wall to her room wondering if I’d made another mistake wishing I knew what to do. Her pain was real, I did know that much but I couldn’t decide what the pain was for. No way it could be for me if she’s meeting up with a guy named Tony tomorrow. Fuck, it made no sense to me. Then again, when it came to her it rarely did.

‘I think with any sort of rejection, you're angry that you weren't enough for that person.’

~ Jennie Garth

After hours of crying into a bottle, I called Rio but it was sent to voicemail. Sending him a text I simply tell him that I miss him and that I hope he’s okay. Tomorrow is his birthday and this will be the first year we’ll be spending it apart. In a moment of desperation, I actually stood outside Loyal’s door with my fist raised to knock, but chickened out. He made it clear this wasn’t working and the therapist said he could feel moments of clarity followed by moments of impulsiveness. I just didn’t know which this was. I don’t know what I did and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Curling up in a ball, I manage to get a couple hours of sleep before my alarm punishes me for drinking again. One shower and a quick cup of coffee later, I’m in the office hoping he comes in early to get his collections for the day giving me a chance to see him. Only by noon I realize he wasn’t coming and that put an end to any thoughts of productiveness. Locking up and heading over to my own place, I make myself dinner and send him one text.

Are we still on for a movie?

Ten minutes later his answer was clear.
No.

Stowing the tears away, I sit down at the table to go through my bills hoping to lose myself in my debt. It’s a sad fucking day when you know the one thing in life you can count on is your bills showing up. When I got to the second to the last envelope there was no return address, simply my name on the front. For hours, I debated on opening it. I walked around it, afraid to touch it. It mocked me from every angle. If I opened it whatever in there was real. Should I call Rio in case it’s from him? Go and get Loyal? When the anger came for being so needy, I said fuck it and opened it.

I shouldn’t have opened it.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

That’s what it said, about a thousand times. On the front and back of the stationary in perfect penmanship. Thoroughly freaked the fuck out, I left it on the table and decided to watch TV instead of obsess about it. Grabbing my gun and setting it next to the coffee table, I settle in with my phone next to me and actually manage to watch a movie until there’s a bang on my door. Jumping about twenty feet in the air, I check the peep hole and see Tony.

Thank god.

My nerves were so shot that when he came in and sat down, I didn’t offer him a drink or anything. He noticed right away something was wrong, and it made me really happy for Lina. Tony was so good for her.

“Is something wrong, Rion?”

“Nothing I can’t handle,” I offer. “I just know better than to watch scary movies alone is all. So, any news? ”

“No,” he says, looking disappointed. “I’m afraid I haven’t been able to find Rio, I’m sorry. I’m working some leads but it takes time. His plates aren’t even registered. In regards to Loyal’s brother, does he know his adoptive---“

When my door literally burst open, Tony jumped up as did I. Where Tony tried standing in front of me, I moved to the side so I could shoot the intruder. That’s when I saw
him
standing there with a look in all my life I prayed I never saw again.